Well, last night he chose to stay at his girlfriend's house all night. This is a direct violation of probation (Hey, Officer GW are you reading my blog? If so Keven is busted! Come and get him!).
Apparently he told me at 11:30 pm (I was in bed half asleep at the time) that he was going over there and that it would be cool since it was only 1 minutes from our house so if Officer GW (his PO) showed up, he could come right home. Um, I don't think it works that way.
I dozed in and out of sleep and my sister came in and woke me at 1 to tell me he was not home. I said I knew and didn't care, it was his problem. I also was pretty sure that no one would show up looking for him since they'd done a curfew check the night before.
So I tossed and turned until 3 am thinking "he's in Santa Ana, he's doing drugs, he OD'd, he's dead". I got in my car (in my jammies) and drove the one minute to his gf's house and sure enough his car was there. So I went home and tossed and turned till he came home at 8 am. He didn't look like he'd been doing any drugs, I sure hope not.
He is dating a girl that he's known for years (since Jr. High) and up until a month ago they were just friends. I like this girl, she's very friendly and polite and sweet (in front of me). Its much better than when he was involved with the 27 y.o. with three kids that he met at PH. The other day he mentioned that this is the first time he's had a relationship sober and so he's enjoying all aspects of it. I didn't respond. He's had all the lectures on that topic.
Ugh. I am not going to live like this so he better not do it again. I have GW on speed dial and am not afraid to hit that button if I need to.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
18 comments:
You need to calmly reiterate the house rules. Let him know this was the last time and the consequences. If you want to act like you are on your own, then you need to be on your own. Otherwise you live by the house rules. End of discussion.
It can be hard to stick to our boundaries when they deviate from them. You have those boundaries in place to protect you and your peace. I will be keeping you in my thoughts today. (((HUGS)))
Barbara, I agree with the comments above. It's your house and you are the boss. If he does not like it, he needs to go. Having said that, I also realize that this is easier said than done! Maybe you can write some house rules down on a piece of paper and he can sign it. If he violates, he is gone! Tell him you mean business.
Writing it down and signing it is a waste of time. He already knows the rules, it's up to you to enforce them. the ball is in your court.
Considering this is his very first "infraction" since he's been home (almost two months) I gave him a reminder. Seeing the look on his face that he had disappointed and worried his grandmother was a good indication that the "gets it" and he said he was sorry. We'll see.
I cannot understand why addicts have such a problem with simple RULES!
I don't have kids, so i'm in dangerous territory here, so i'm going to imagine what my father would have done, yeh, let's go with that. He would have said 'no' straight out, 'not an option'. He would have then at 1am gone over to the house and woke everyone up if i had not complied. 'Home, Now' he would have said, or something along those lines. He may have even said something like 'your mother's worried sick and she can't sleep until you do come home, you have 5 minutes' i am deeply suspicious of his motives if he is only 1 minute away. I don't want to alarm you Barbara because it may have been above board but i doubt it. There feelings you have are absolutely 100% correct. If you think something is wrong, it probably is.
We learned at PH that getting away with something you know is wrong, sets you up on the slippery slope to try something else... If it's about sex, K can do it at another time or place. The point is to think/plan rather than act on emotions/impulse, and then DO the next right thing. You too, my love! (Always easier for me to know, than to do.:))
I also think it's time to contact her parents. You should feel no shame in letting them know your/K's boundaries, no matter why he has them. We're all in this together.
It's got nothing to do with her parents or sex. It's about making the right choices. Bad decisions like these set precedents for more bad decisions. As long as he has to be home he has to make the right choices otherwise, and I see this, when his probation passes he will do what he likes as he won't see this as bad decision making. You will get upset, there will be a bust up, he and you will fall out. Periods of angst (on both sides) and separation, until he learns to make the right choices in life. I don't like it. He has to stay home, good decision. He knows this
I feel for you,...this is not easy...but when is it easy with an addict son? I pray that he'll keep making good choices. I thought it probably was just about sex and spending the night with her,but the rules are the rules. This is something our addicts seem to struggle with so much. He certainly does not need a probation violation and he knows that. Hang in there.
Lori
Reading the above comments, I see what an "enabler" I still am... b/c after reading your post I thought 2 things 1) Oh, Barbara I can't believe he did this to you, I feel so bad you lost your sleep and this isn't fair to you THEN 2) Oh, I wouldn't be too hard on him... he wanted some alone time with his girlfriend without his mom, he wanted to feel like an adult.
Screech!!!! What am I thinking???? I Just spent a sleepless night a week ago and it is miserable!!! It was not fair to you, and he knows the rules - not just your house rules, but the rules from his PO.
I'll keep on praying!
The bright side is - he didn't appear to be using - that is positive - and that you said you could tell when you talked to him, he "got"it. Sometimes we can see things clearer in hindsight.
God bless. Love & hugs! Sleep well tonight!
He can have sex and spend time with her during the day if her parents are so "cool" about it. At night the parole board says he needs to be at home and that is where he needs to be. Tracy and Spin gave you a good perspective, think about it. Addiction is a family disease, this is what they are talking about when they say that. Even Heathersmom gave you a good perspective on it. Use these examples when you speak to K which should probably have already happened. Did it?
I relate to what Heather's Mom said - that he wanted some time with his girlfriend and also that he's an adult - if he gets into trouble for his decision - so be it. Life has a way of teaching us consequences.
From a spiritual point of view...if we believe that it is out of our control and in God's...then we should do our best not to worry about them. I also see everyone else's point of view as far as making good choices.
If that is one of your boundaries and you don't want to adjust that boundary, then you need to enforce it.
If he was really an "adult" he would be living on his own and taking care of himself or at least making an attempt to. I have no problem with that, but he isn't. He is still relying on you because of the previous choices he made, so in that case he should follow the rules of your house. Can he not spend time with his girlfriend during the hours he is allowed by the court? I can tell you that back in prison for a parole violation, the answer would be no time alone with her. He just needs to be made aware of that.
Barbara,
I am sorry about the sleepless night. That is why I do not want to live in the same house with my addict. It is not just fear for my safety but much more fear for her safety. Seeing these slippery slope poor decisions they make keeps me awake and worried.
I know about boundaries. I was very very good at controlling the 3000 kids I taught in a rough high school. They all respected me. Most even liked me after a few weeks.
In spite of all this professional experience, training and success; I could not control my daughter.
One of the definitions of both addiction and mental illness is that they continue on their course in spite of negative consequences!
I don't think it's necessarily about controlling your child, but controlling the effect they have on your life. Not living with your addict is a way of doing that. I totally respect that decision.
My father would have done what Spindrift said. I knew the boundaries and the rules. I played by them until I left home. I had enough respect for my parents to know that as long as I lived in their house, I complied to their boundaries.
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