A week ago I ran out of Welbutrin and was a few days late in getting it filled. I NEVER do that. But I did. It didn't seem to affect me, I considered just not taking it anymore. But I remembered all to clearly what happened the last time I thought I was "fine" and no longer needed it. It was 12/24/07 and I had been off of it for a month or so. I was so depressed I thought the only way to feel better would be to end it (at that time I had guns in the house, to me if you really want to die, you better make sure you do it right).
Anyhow, on that afternoon, my logical self knew that these feelings were a direct result of quitting one of my meds. I did not really want to die!!! So I pulled over on the side of the road and called a friend. I told him (through hysterical tears) what was going on so he could talk me out of it. He threatened to call my family and the cops which scared me straight so to speak....I immediately drove to the pharmacy and got my refills and started taking the Welbutrin again. It took a few days to get back in my system. I promised myself I would never stop taking them and accepted that I needed to use them for LIFE (in more ways than one).
So long story short, today as I sat here crying and experiencing my physical pains and ailments (which I wont bore you with) I realized that it had been over a week. I needed to get that stuff back in my system. So I did, and hopefully I have learned my lesson. I am still depressed, but I will get through it like I always do.
Most heroin addicts I've known, when trying to quit, wonder if life is even worth it? And some of them have lost their "logical self" to the addiction.
They ask = Is it worth feeling so horrible, depressed, sick, etc. etc. just to get to other side of the addiction only to keep wishing I could use? What's waiting on the other side but a lifetime of fighting the dragon - it never really goes away. I think wrote here recently about my friend who has gone for 8 years then used for a week, then went 5 years, then used, then went another 6 years....well he's in prison again right now. He's in his 50's. This stuff has ruined his life. He spent his 20's being an addict then his 30's - 50's fighting and losing and fighting and losing the never ending battle.
I know this sounds discouraging...it is. It kills me to read about your children who have been doing this for 4, 8, 10 years.....it never seems to end and its not really their fault...they didn't ask for this, they made s some very poor choices that got them sucked into it.
I know Keven struggles daily. I see the depression he goes through (on meds). I see how bleak his future looks to him sometimes when he thinks "I am going to have to fight this the rest of my life". I can list for him all the things he has going for him - but its that one ugly, horrible, evil beast that is always lingering on his mind, tempting him, whispering "I can make all your troubles go away....". Such a damn lie, and thankfully he has enough time away from it to know that..... But so did my friend Jon (the one I just wrote about above).
It makes me feel like my depressions is petty. Its small compared to what these addicts go through. Its so easy to be angry at them and blame them. And there is no doubt that sometimes the ONLY thing left to do is to cut ourselves off from them or we are being owned by the beast vicariously. It can devour an entire family so easily. Its not fair that we have to fight so hard against someone else's beast - but they say life is not about fairness.
I don't know if there is a point in here, maybe this is just me venting, getting it out. Either way I am reading blogs and hating heroin and praying for all of us.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
So long story short, today as I sat here crying and experiencing my physical pains and ailments (which I wont bore you with) I realized that it had been over a week. I needed to get that stuff back in my system. So I did, and hopefully I have learned my lesson. I am still depressed, but I will get through it like I always do.
Most heroin addicts I've known, when trying to quit, wonder if life is even worth it? And some of them have lost their "logical self" to the addiction.
They ask = Is it worth feeling so horrible, depressed, sick, etc. etc. just to get to other side of the addiction only to keep wishing I could use? What's waiting on the other side but a lifetime of fighting the dragon - it never really goes away. I think wrote here recently about my friend who has gone for 8 years then used for a week, then went 5 years, then used, then went another 6 years....well he's in prison again right now. He's in his 50's. This stuff has ruined his life. He spent his 20's being an addict then his 30's - 50's fighting and losing and fighting and losing the never ending battle.
I know this sounds discouraging...it is. It kills me to read about your children who have been doing this for 4, 8, 10 years.....it never seems to end and its not really their fault...they didn't ask for this, they made s some very poor choices that got them sucked into it.
I know Keven struggles daily. I see the depression he goes through (on meds). I see how bleak his future looks to him sometimes when he thinks "I am going to have to fight this the rest of my life". I can list for him all the things he has going for him - but its that one ugly, horrible, evil beast that is always lingering on his mind, tempting him, whispering "I can make all your troubles go away....". Such a damn lie, and thankfully he has enough time away from it to know that..... But so did my friend Jon (the one I just wrote about above).
It makes me feel like my depressions is petty. Its small compared to what these addicts go through. Its so easy to be angry at them and blame them. And there is no doubt that sometimes the ONLY thing left to do is to cut ourselves off from them or we are being owned by the beast vicariously. It can devour an entire family so easily. Its not fair that we have to fight so hard against someone else's beast - but they say life is not about fairness.
I don't know if there is a point in here, maybe this is just me venting, getting it out. Either way I am reading blogs and hating heroin and praying for all of us.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
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