Good thing I didn't bother with mascara today!
I just left a comment for Her Big Sad saying I'd been crying for the last hour as I read blogs and experience hope, despair, fear, love...and then I got a letter from Anthony.
His letter broke the floodgates and I cried like I haven't cried in months. My anger at him dissipated a few weeks ago. I got a letter from him last week and wrote to tell him that I was not mad, just sad (my new mantra for him and Kelly).
The letter he wrote ripped my heart. First of all he started it out with "Dear Mommy", not as a ploy to get to me emotionally, but because he has a scared little boy inside and I am the mom he never had. His mom wasn't capable of loving him, teaching him right from wrong, comforting him. I wish I would have met him when he was 12 years old, maybe I could have raised him and Keven as brothers and kept them both away from drugs.... (wish in one hand and spit in the other* - that's what my grandpa would of said to that statement!)
Anyhow, his letter was intense. He's in there for at least 10 months unless he can get a work program, even then he will be in until October. He was very upset to hear about Kelly's OD, car crash, etc. He asked me to please say to her all the things I said to him last time he was in jail (which obviously didn't help him....)
The psychiatrist in there things he's Bi-Polar and has him on some meds but they aren't helping him. He can't control his mood swings. He's going nuts in there this time.
Of course he said all the usual stuff about never using again...I let that go in one ear and out the other. But I want to believe it. I've been missing him so much but am so glad he is in there.
He says there is heroin everywhere in there and he is saying NO to it. Pretty sad that its so easy to get inside a prison, but that's how it is I guess.
He also said Keven is his idol right now. I wish Keven would give him the time of day and at least write him a note, but he wants nothing to do with him. I respect that, yet it makes me sad for Ant.
Last night we had a good chat on junkjunk. I know a lot of us have Peggy on our minds today. If you haven't been to her blog yet today stop by there and read her amazing tribute to her daughter, Hayley, who is 31 years old today.
* I think this means that to "wish" for something is a waste of time, but I never really got the "spit" part.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
15 comments:
"But I want to believe it."
Me too Barbara! Me too! Thanks for being the kind of person Anthony can lovingly call Mommy!
Oh, Barbara,
I hate being so out of pocket these days. When I do have a chance to drop by, the heartache you have been enduring with Anthony and Kelly overwhelms me. Please know you are in my prayers.
Cheri
PS - And I rejoice that Keven is doing well, and that you got a job!
I can't help but think that if anyone knows the best way to handle Anthony is Kevin. So I would trust Kevin how ever he handles their relationship.
Anthony has found a special place in my heart through you sharing him with us. I pray for him everyday, but take special comfort in knowing that he & Kevin are in the "prayer box" at church and get prayed for every week. I know my prayers count, but I can't help but feel these prayers at the church are that much more powerful.
God knows them both and loves them both as his children. My gosh - praise God Anthony has you - Barbara, you are a very special, loving, caring person.
Love & hugs.
God bless.
I just want to cry for Anthony. I hope and pray that he will get the guidance and the proper treatment program so that he can get well. I just don't know what to say because I really care about him through your blog I feel like I know him, he reminds me of my brother. I will just keep praying Barbara, but he is very lucky to have you. (((HUGS)))
God bless you Barbara. I am so glad you see the sacred little boy. I watched a special on inmates today, and I swear, all I could see was the precious little child, that wanted to grow up to be something wonderful, and got lost along the way, and could not get found. Much love
I am surprised by Keven's reaction, but I think it is a wise one. I don't doubt that Anthony wants to stop using, but wanting it isn't enough, there are steps he will have to take to stop. When Keven is able and ready, I am sure he will give A guidance and be able to help him more. Now is not the time though and the fact that he knows that is a great sign to me. Go Kev.
I agree he is lucky to have you! I pray this is the beginning of his recovery!
Always, always, always...you are a pillar of strength.
Bob, thank you, as always.
Cheri, its hard to keep up with everyone so I understand! Thanks for coming by and your kind words :)
Tom, you would have liked my grandpa! He lived to be 98 and was never sick a day in his life. His secret (according to him) was one "Pabst Blue Ribbon a day". I think I will write a post about him on WFIO today.
HM, it means so much to me that both boys are being continuously prayed for! (say hi to your mom for me!)
Mom, I like your new name. Its one of the hardest things to do. Thanks for caring about Ant. If he only knew how much people cared...he'd cry for sure.
Tonjia, its so true what you said! Each of them started out as sweet babies. Some never got out of diapers before their lives turned to hell :(
Lacey, I was surprised too since Ant was always K's role model. But I think the tables have turned. Thanks for your continued support, girlfriend!!!
Sherry, me too! Thanks.
Jennifer - who me? Wow thanks, I sure don't feel like it but its nice to hear!
Barbara, my father had a saying too, "if wishes were horses, then beggars might ride". I can wish but action has to be the way. And my compassion for others often leads me to believe them and that they really will be different this time. But actions will determine whether that is so or not. I still have hope...always hope.
Anthony is a very lucky man to have you there for him...
Barbara,
I am with you in spirit. Don't have much time to write. Sorry you are shedding tears. You are such a caring soul. Try to stay positive! It seems that we (addicts' family members and loved ones) have been given an extra dose of daily hardship. :(
It would be nice if there was some magical cure for addiction...but since there isn't, I guess the only thing to do is keep loving the addict and hope that one day that that love gets to them.
Barbara I hope you gain strength in the knowledge that you are so well loved and admired. Anthony is so lucky to have you as a "mommy" because most would have written him off long ago. I understand hope most of the time it is the only thing I have.
The strength and love that flow out of these comments blow my mind. Thank you. I'm doing way better today.
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