I am still kind of shaken up so this will be short.
I had a feeling Keven was up to something. He and his girlfriend were in his room. I knocked and walked in and saw the look of anger on his face and said "I haven't seen that look since you used to get high".
As soon as the words left my mouth my heart dropped to my stomach.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Nothing
YES YOU ARE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!
I looked at is bed and saw CO2 cylinders and balloons.
He said he couldn't take it and needed something to get by but didn't want to use drugs so this was an alternative. He cried. I cried. We talked. He's going in to see his Dr. tomorrow. He says its been building for days. He considered doing heroin but decided he didn't want to lose everything.
I am assuming he's telling the truth and has not used anything else.
I'm sad and scared and worried...again...its been a nice break from feeling this way but I guess its over.
UPDATE:
Had a good talk with him and his gf for about half an hour. Its amazing how tight my chest is - you know that horrible feeling like something is sitting on top of your chest and you can't breathe?
Anyhow, he's glad I caught him. He knows he needs to figure some things out so it won't happen again. I thought he handled things in court well today (ha, I was wrong). I think it will be okay....4 months and he will have year clean. I know that doesn't really "mean" anything but he wants it bad. He wants to say "a year". I think he'll be able to...
He said he's not suicidal but if he can't help himself he may have himself admitted on a 5150.
They only used one cylinder and he gave me the all the stuff so I could toss it. He doesn't consider this a relapse. I told him I would not call his PO this time but next time I will.
How should I handle this?
I don't want him to be alone but I have to go to work tomorrow....
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
13 comments:
I'd be talking with the girlfriend too, coffee time, to get a better picture, she is in your house after all. It's odd to say but it's like building a case against someone (you deserve the full picture). Even though he cried, the simple fact remains, he wants to get high and he's not talking to you about it first. (how much more don't you know). Having said that it sounds like he's shit scared right now, and wanting to self medicate, which i get. The good thing, if there is one is that he didn't use opiates, his drug of choice. There are alternatives if he wants to get high. (non opiates / harm minimisation) If he gets back on the opiates it's going to be very difficult to have him at home, (it's pity he can't take xanax, valium in this situation). The daily addict is a tough cycle to break, clean days are the goal. I can feel the pressure rising. How is he going to release it?
Dear God -
Please keep Keven and Barbara safe and wrap them in your healing light! Thank you for everything that you've done for them so far and please continue to lead Keven to you!
Amen
Makes me wonder what they were doing when he was at her house all night. Eventually you are going to have to back up what you say as far as calling his PO or just go back to the way things were. I am really sad that this happened, I hope he can get back on track. I think maybe he has too much free time, but you don't really talk much about what he does with his days. GF needs to go, she obviously doesn't understand the severity f his problem. Maybe you should have a talk with her family.
I feel like this is just a dumb question, but does Kev have a sponsor?
I especially agree with Spin and Lacey. You have great instinsts, now you just have to do (what feels like) the hard part. He NEEDS you to enforce boundaries. Don't make it easier for him to fall down the rabbit hole because you love and want to help him. If it's been building for days, why didn't he call someone, PH, or go to a bunch of meetings? Girlfriend's an enabler.
He can get GF to help him because she loves him and wants to please him. Does she work? These two together all day spells trouble. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. He needs to stay busy. You should not have to take on the responsibility of having him stay clean. He should have to go to a half way house if he can't live by your rules. I am so sorry, dear friend. Sending you hugs, love and peace.
Oh Barbara I know that feeling! You are in my prayers...you are a great mother. Kev will hopefully get it together because the desire is there but I am concerned about the girlfriend. Take care of yourself, which we all know is so much easier said then done.
Oh Barbara,..I am so sorry and am praying for Keven and you. I so well know that awful chest feeling you described. As was already mentioned,..does Kev have a sponsor ? Is NA helping him ? Does he do any step work? I just was talking to my son today about sobriety not being a passive thing, but something that's actively sought, worked on. I agree with the idle time/devil's workshop thing although finding a job is no easy task these days. I'm just so sorry and my heart hurts reading this. Sending love and peace and a hug to you both. I'm praying for Kev's continuing success. You walking in right then was no coincidence. Think about that.
Lori
I'm so glad you went and walked in. I'm also so glad you and him talked.
What is 5150? Like "Baker Act"? But to himself?
I think I would call the girlfriend's mother if she still lives at home as this happened in your house, and to let them know what is going on. This is something I never would have done before... but today it is what I would do. I don't know if CO2 is an actual drug? (I'm way behind the times I guess... I thought it was the stuff that made your voice funny...???)
If she doesn't live at home, I'd talk to her directly. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do except enforce your boundaries (or change them). Keven's recovery is up to him at this point. I feel for you so much! Please do something for you to get the worry knot out of your stomach...
Love & hugs & prayers always!
As far as going to work and leaving him alone, you have to continue to live your own life. You just started working at a job you love and you deserve that. Remember the three Cs. Remember the Serenity Prayer. He has to work his own program and he has his own path, just as you do. If we get up in it with them, we get in their way of growth and block their divine path. I pray that the Lord embraces you and Keven and that Keven takes the next right step, and the next. Much Love and thoughts go out to you tonight my dear Barbara. (((HUGS)))
Barbara, my heart goes out to you...... and Kevin very much so. As I am in his shoes and not yours, I relate to him quite a lot, but I certainly hurt for you too....I know what it's like to see someone fight an addiction as my little sister is fighting a pretty serious eating disorder. I myself am struggling with a pill addiction but doing so much better than I ever thought I would.... Just so you know, I think you are an amazing loving parent. Just keep loving him (as I know you will) and he'll come around.... I'm glad you guys were able to talk. I've been praying for your boys (even though I haven't been able to keep up with everyone's blogs lately).... By the way, I wholeheartedly agree with Bristolvol..... and most everyone else that commented.... how is Anthony doing? Praying for you and the boys...... Love Kali
I am not qualified to give you advice on this Barbara - you are way wiser than I am in this. I so appreciate the way you have struggled through this. You are becoming such a strong woman!
I am in the same boat as Kansas Bob on this one
I wish you love and luck
Post a Comment