My son has been diagnosed with bi-polar, panic disorder and major depressive disorder. In his case I honestly believe that illness came before the addiction because as I look back over his life, I knew something was wrong when he was very young and tried to get him help. I accepted "depression" as a diagnosis and then contributed a lot of his behavior to normal "growing up".
But I knew.
Deep inside I have always known about the anger, the self-loathing, the fear, the panic, the uncontrollable feelings and thoughts that made his life miserable.
I am not beating myself up for not doing something sooner, but I have to wonder if I could have steered him away from drug addiction if I had been more aggressive about the other issues.
Now, in addition to struggling with bi-polar, etc., he has to fight the dope demon the rest of his life.
He wrote a few poems while in jail and asked me to type them for him today. He let me see some of his deepest, most personal thoughts. There were 8 typed pages of poetry. (I type fast so it didn't take long).
Here is one he wrote that he turned in as a class project. Luckily his teacher understands. Do they ever stop feeling this way? Will it ever stop? The longing for this evil drug?
An Ode to Heroin
You are the one for me
You are my one and only
But you don’t love me
You really despise me
From innocent eyes
You give me false intention
From which my hatred rises
I need you now more than ever
But you mock me through your black veil
You are by my side
Again the cold leaves
Now you are gone
You left me so quickly
The sickness returns without you
You are the only one for me
You are my one and only
You are all I need
As of today, he has 8 months and 6 days. We plan to celebrate on his "one year" which will be in August.
8 comments:
Kathy, Thanks for the comment, you're right it doesn't really matter which came first. What do you believe the solution is?
I wish I had the answer for you Barbara. I can feel the sadness and anguish in your writing. Keven's poem although sad was very good! My prayers are with you and he as always!
That is a hard poem to read as a parent, but is in alignment with what I am learning about addiction. I think it is good that he can write about it and in talks with you is honest about his feelings regarding the drug. I just finished writing out my 4th step, there's something cathartic about getting out the truths and inner feelings that we would normally keep hidden.
I don't know what to do about the dual diagnosis, but I know there was nothing you could have done differently in the past - you work with what you know.
That's like me wondering if I wouldn't have gotten into drugs if my mother had taken me to the allergist to get diagnosed with asthma so I could get an inhaler and do sports, so after school I would have been doing sports instead of drugs. It's really irrelevant, and not mom's fault... Hindsight is always 20/20, you did the best you could. I wouldn't fret over the past (I know easier said than done).
You said you KNEW, but it is the same as with drugs, we KNEW, but we didn't SEE, and once we SAW we tried whatever we could think of. You're a great mother - don't forget it :)
Geez, I think I almost wrote a post here!
Love & hugs!
God bless.
I don't think it did much good for me to go into what I could have done or should have done. It's what I'm doing today that matters. I don't have to be desperate but have faith that there are people that I simply need to let go of and not try to control. Remember the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
Good poem, sounds like K is doing well to be 8 months. You know where i stand on this Barbara. It's not the drugs that are the problem, i would have crawled over broken glass to get high, the worst problems were when my habits were unmanageable. Many people have bad habits, not many people end up in jail because of them. Addiction is difficult. I switched my addictions, it helped. When my medications became manageable my life started to turn around. All the best to you both.
I'm sorry if my comment sounded cryptic. For me the solution has been what I've been taught in Al-Anon. To detach with love, emphasis on the love.
Whatever my daughter's psychological problems, she has also chosen not to deal with them. She doesn't think she has a problem, either with drugs or with her mind. I'm powerless over that, too. She's an adult. But I still love her. That's all I can do. Believing that I could fix any of it just made us both miserable. Hugs.
dear barbara,
may i suggest NAMI? they offer a program family to family. also if you go to DBSA, they offer very good support/discussion forums.i marvel at your strength, admire your courage. thank you for your blog...many many nites it has given me comfort to know i'm not alone...thank you. i wish only the best for your son.
Anon, thank you for suggesting this. I am very familiar with NAMI and hae been through their family to family course. My son is currently in Peer to Peer. I will chck out DBSA
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