December 7, 2009

Unhappy Birthday


UPDATE:

Several hours have passed since I wrote the below post.  Since that time I've cried, read my comments and read an email from my best friend, she knows me and Keven really well (thank you S!)  Then I heard two songs in a row that made me think of K and of me (the one for me was Aretha's "Respect"!)



I've decided that the only gift I can give my son this year is the gift of taking care of myself.  The gift of not putting up with him treating me this way.  The gift of not enabling him or interfering with his recovery.  His life is his.  I can't change the past or the future, I can only take care of me and be present right NOW.  


I don't know what I would do without all of you who read here (and my other blogs).  I wrote about my "giving birth" experience on WFIO today just cause I felt like it.



THANK YOU ALL for caring, thank you from the bottom of my heart.



Well so much for that.

K seemed  happy to see us but within 20 minutes was sullen then got mean and his departing words are to unkind and frightening to share here.

I hope he was partly putting on an act and is not as seriously depressed and full of anger as he seems.  Its so hard to tell with him.  He hinted to his PO that he was suicidal but when asked point blank he says he's not.

I don't want to lose my son. 

I feel really sick, like I could throw up.  I don't know how to deal with this anymore.  I am sinking.

(Dad,  you were right).

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Barbara. I am praying for you and for him. God bless you both.

Lori

Barbara said...

Lori, Thank you so much.

Dad, What you said makes a lot of sense. I am not that sad for myself, I can handle him treating me like that IF I KNOW HE'S OKAY. Its the wondering how depressed/desperate he really is that scares the ____ out of me and is causing me to spend my day feeling like a nervous wreck. Thanks for always being there to comment it helps a lot.

Sherry said...

Barbara -

You don't deserve to be treated that way! What Dad said does make a lot of sense. When I first called the police to get J, he called me from jail and said he didn't have a mother anymore. The next time we talked and he tried to blame it on me, I told him "you are in here because of what you've been doing, not because of me" and he's been better ever since he realized I wasn't going to let him treat me that way! I am praying for you and Keven!

Elizabeth Ann said...

P.S. my ex did not drink; the food was serve late.. etc at the party. (got myself worried for nothing)

Barbara said...

Thank you Sherry, I really like the idea about no communication except for letters. THAT would speak volumes to him about how I will NOT put up with his abusive behavior toward me. Oh crap - did you see what I just wrote? ABUSIVE? This is the first time I looked at it that way. I'm not sure if it is or not but it feels like it.

Ms. Hen, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience with your daughter, good reminder.

Cheri, I appreciate you and your husband praying and yes, I certainly remember that from the Bible its very powerful, thank you.

Anonymous :) said...

Barbara, it's difficult to do this, but you can't take his behavior personally. He's young, his decisions have ended in disastrous consequences, he has to change, it seems natural to be ticked..at everyone and everything..and to be depressed. I would be if I were him. However, he makes it easy for you to set a boundary around your life that does not allow abusive behavior. I like what Ms Hen wrote.."the less I did for her, the better she got". Sometimes everybody just needs some space. I'll remember you and your family when I pray. Hang in there.

Barbara said...

Madison, I am just now figuring out how abusive it is. If a friend were telling me that her son said these things to her, I would see it so clearly. Thanks for your words...they helped as usual :)

RandyJ said...

Barbara, I'm so sorry that things didn't go well. K will one day wake up and see what he is doing. I think it's most likely that he's mad at himself, but taking it out on you. He knows that you won't abandon him. My prayers are with both of you. Randy

Barbara said...

Lou, you're right, you can say anything to me. I take all of what you give, don't need to leave any of it. This was important. Thank you very much.

Randy, hugs to you friend,I think you're right about Keven, I guess that's why its hard to shut him out even when he's being so rude, because I know inside he's hurting. But I can't let him keep hurting me in some ways it probably makes him feel worse (ha, maybe that's wishful thinking!)

Heather's Mom said...

Barbara,
I was RIGHT THERE WITH YOU - hoping for the call, finding out about the visit, then getting dumped on.

From what I am learning, what Dad and Lou said seems to be what we're supposed to do. I know it hurts as a parent, but it may be best for him in the long run. Reading your update, looks like you've got this covered!

I was thinking, K is clean, but he isn't "recovered" yet, he's just beginning. He will be learning a whole new tool set in treatment for dealing with his life situations/experiences.

In the meanwhile, (like you said) you take care of YOU :) And know that God's holding K close.

Continuing the prayers for you and K!

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

I sent you and email.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

This is hard to reply to...not knowing why he got angry - but the fact that he did and the update you posted here - stating you will care for YOU is the best thing I could have read.

sarah said...

I'm praying too Barbara. Nothing is impossible but most of the time I've found I really do need to let go and Let God....It sounds so much like a cliche but it's weird how it really works. Take gentle care of yourself. Sarah

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