I mentioned "Kelly" in my last post. I haven't written about her a lot, I think I was trying to keep her life private from my blog, but I am upset. I need to write about this. She and Anthony are inseparable when he's not in jail and even when he is, she's over here almost every day to visit me and/or Keven. She feels at home here with my family.
Well, she called me today and confessed that she had driven herself up to Santa Ana, bought some H and used it. I really thought that heroin was behind me. That it was no longer going to cause this fear, this hate, this anger. This ongoing concern.
Part of me wants to turn her away, turn Ant away and say "leave me alone, I am done with this "shit"! (do people still call heroin "shit"?)
But I can't do that. I just can't. I have to let her come over, hold her skinny little self and let her cry and talk. Its who I am. I can't turn away a hurting person. I don't want to. She won't talk to her parents but I keep encouraging her to. She lives with her parents, goes to college full time and works 30 hours a week. She's a nice girl, responsible, smart, sweet. She is so afraid that her parents will kick her out she doesn't want to risk that.
The good news is that she has a court date next week and will most likely get put on PC 1000 or Prop. 36 (court appointed drug out patient programs). She does really well when she knows she will be tested. This time Anthony will be gone for 6 months or longer...this is what they both need.
I know some of you are probably thinking I am nuts. Maybe I am. She'll be here in an hour.
Keven and I have talked about all this. He is not going to use and doubts she would suggest it because she knows he will say no. He is very determined and set in his mind. He said he's been craving cocaine lately more than heroin....I won't even get into that right now. But at least he's talking to me about it, that's good right? I think it is.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
16 comments:
Sounds good to me. Challenging, but good. Wise to talk to Keven. Avoid slippery people and all that. My sponsor reminds me to examine my motivation when unsure. As long as I'm seeing someone because I want to see them, that's okay. Am I doing it out of obligation? That's different. Your post makes it sound like you want to see her. Hope it stays that way. Take it easy.
You know how I feel already.
Well, you are not nuts. The evidence is clear that you are doing something very right, because your addict is clean, which means you are not enabling him to use. It probably means you are meeting his needs. You are listening to him, and acknowledging his reality. Obviously having a kelly around would be a real concern for anyone with a recovering addict in the house. Keep the lines of communication wide open and brutally honest (which you are doing quite well).
I agree with what Garnet said - that checking your motive is important. I'm glad Keven is doing well!
Amazing that Kelly can hold together a job & college - maybe she doesn't use H that often? Heather's friends aren't around since we moved, but when they are, it is so easy to get close to them, to care about them. I think it's good Anthony and now Kelly has you - a loving, guiding, supporting adult they feel they can confide in, who gives them positive direction.
I think she would confide in her parents if she felt she could. That isn't possible for all kids, I know for me it wasn't and as a result I got into a lot when I was young. I wish I had had another adult "mentor" I could confide in back then - I'm sure Kelly is glad she has you.
I also second what Tonjia said.
God bless.
I can only imagine how hard it is to constantly be reminded of the horrors of drugs.
I think you are doing good. And good that you check with Keven. As far as the emotions brought on by any presence of drug use -- I completely understand. I don't know if it ever stops. But I'm glad you are writing about it. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work. You are not along.
Keep Kelly and Ant away from Keven, they have issues and all that crap but your son is trying to move forward and the only thing they do is keep holding him back.
God bless Keven, he is going to beat this nasty disease called heroin.
Barbara,...you are a loving soul. SO GLAD to hear that Keven is doing SO well ! I know that you'll be a blessing to Ant's gifrlfriend too. And yes,...the fact that Keven is talking to you about his craving IS good.
By the way,.....have you or anyone else ever heard of Oxford houses? I know that Keven went to Phoenix House,..but they're not here on the east coast. Our son is due to go to an Oxford House on Monday, IF the judge agrees on that vs. jail. It seems like a great plan,..just hope it will work for him. Right now he's in a rehab. (3rd one),...and very motivated to stay clean....more than we've ever seen him before,..in a big way. Time will tell.
Thank all of you for your input and comments and encouragement.
As loving and caring as you are for Kelly, I am worried to have her around Keven. I know he is of sound and strong mind at the moment but drugs are powerful and evil, and the fewer reminders/triggers he has around him the better.
Maybe you can meet her other places (sit and have coffee) and support her that way.
You have much more bigger loving and caring heart than I have. I don't think I could take on another addict over and above my own. I will be keeping you in my prayers, to be sure (and of course Keven, Ant and now Kelly as well)
I have to agree with Lisa C on this one, I would be very concerned about the trigger effect she could have on Keven. He is doing so well and I know he is committed to his recovery, all the more reason to keep any and all triggers away that can be. I know you want to help her and Ant and you are doing it out of love. I would just be careful. Much light and love being sent to you!!
Ditto on the trigger danger...prayers and peace.
Barbara, I have heard about inviting the fox into the henhouse. I don't have any experience but would think that having a using addict over can't be good for you or for Keven. What about just meeting her for lunch at a neutral place? It sounds as if she has real codependency problems as well as addiction. Not a good thing IMO.
Barbara, Thanks for your input on Oxford House. Today, the judge agreed to let our son remain on bond until his court date. (Yay)...so we were able to bring him to Oxford House tonight. Not in the nicest area, but the neighborhood isn't the point. The 3 other guys already there all gave us a very good impression. Our son was really happy about it all and is motivated and happier than we've seen him in SOOOO long. His court date is on April 12th (first of 3 court dates)...and we're crossing our fingers recovery wise. The rehab he just left was his 3rd. However, this is the first time we've seen him THIS motivated. Your memories of things that Keven did remind me of a lot of our past 3 1/2 years of pain.
Lori
Lori,
This is great news! Maybe this will be the fourth and last time necessary. i will be praying for that! Phoenix House is in a very rough neighborhood - in fact just blocks from where Kev bought his drugs! But its what goes on inside the house that counts. I hope the judge will see that he's motivated, in rehab and doing well!!!! Keep me posted.
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