I was just thinking that at this moment in time I am experiencing both sides of the addiction coin:
Keven has 7 months sobriety. We're both hopeful. I'm cautiously optimistic. I still have twinges of fear and moments of concern, but most of the time I feel calm and grateful.
Anthony has ? days sobriety. It looks hopeless. I feel discouraged. This has been going on since he was 14 (8 years). In and out of juvie/jail/prison, on and off drugs, well actually the only off time has been when he was incarcerated.
My gut instincts tell me that Keven is going to succeed (I felt that about Bryan, Lisa's son too, as I read her post last night). I feel so arrogant making that statement, but that's my inner self talking. My brain of course is logical and knows not only is it arrogant to think that way, its stupid. No one knows. There is no guarantee. Even after years of being clean a heroin addict can choose to use again.
And it can't be about hitting bottom because so many bottoms have been hit for so many of our loved ones.
With Anthony, losing his mom to drugs didn't stop him. Shooting up his best friend and watching him die from an OD didn't stop him. Being kept alive by life support after his own OD, didn't stop him. Living in the streets, stealing to survive, losing everything - none of that was "hitting bottom"? Death is the next "bottom" and when you hit that one, its obviously too late.
These things don't matter to a heroin addict. But how come some can stop and some can't? What's the difference? Determination? Desire? Commitment? Having something to live for? Hope? Fear? Help in the form of methadone/Suboxone? "Hitting Bottom" obviously is not the determining factor.
Some would say the difference is working a program - but that goes back to the question, why do some choose to work a program and stick with it and some don't? Anthony went to NA meetings in jail 6 days a week. The letters he wrote me were about working the program. He sounded so positive and determined, but three days out and - he was using.
Keven's program is court ordered, not by choice. He has to go to 4 self-help meetings a week and he goes to two "Dual Diagnosis" meetings and to be honest I'm not sure if he's going to the other meetings or not, I don't ask, that's not my job his PO asks him about it.
I'm just thinking out loud. I am frustrated. I want there to be a formula: "do this and you will have the desired result".
But no, its so messy, so complicated, so heartbreaking. We can't really understand it unless we were an addict ourselves. Very few things in life are simple and heroin addiction seems to be close to the top of the chart of complex issues.
I feel numb today. Not good or bad, just here. I'm thinking of the people that read here. Those that love addicts, are addicts and those that are probably thankful they can't relate to any of this. You all give me support and courage. Thank you.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
13 comments:
It's one of those "why" questions that I can't answer. I have read and understand that without a spiritual solution the chances are not good. Page 58 of the Big Book spells out the chances for recovery. Rigorous honesty is a key to recovery as well. There are many solutions in this book. Maybe some read it and dismiss it. I read and believe.
For there to be a constant formula, everyone would have to be the same and they aren't. If they were, we would all be or not be addicts.
Syd and Lacey, good points. I know that there is no simple answer, just voicing my frustrations that its so complex - but as Lacey pointed out that means we'd all be the same and how boring would that be?
So wierd the picture you posted as i wrote a blurb about Corey Haim on my last post. Now I am just feeling like the Lord is trying to talk to me...or I have finally lost the last marble in my head!! No answers to your questions, just feeling the frustration with you my dear. It just sucks!
I think especially in Ant's case that there are some situations where wanting an addict to recover is asking them to want some form of "normal" that they have never experienced.
It like wanting a blind person to see because we like seeing, but they in fact have adapted to their "normal" and so seeing is overrated to them.
His life seems so empty and hopeless from the outside, but he finds his own little moments that make it worth it to him or he simply would have given up completely on life. Every moment his IS still here is a moment that still holds hope.
"Bottom" is a relative term. It is the point for that person in which there is no where further down for them to go, so they make a conscious choice to go up.
I am hoping for you and so happy for the place you and Kev are at. I will continue to hope that Ant starts looking for his way up.
(((HUGS)))
Dear Barbara,
I've often wrestled with this question. I think we all do.
My sponsor shared a story with me once. Her mom was an Al-Anon, who knew about Al-Anon, attended meetings and still did not embrace recovery.
My sponsor harbored a resentment about this for years. Worked steps around it. Prayed the resentment prayer. Nothing worked.
Then, one day, a program friend said, "What if she wasn't supposed to find recovery? What if she had to be where she is for you to be saved?"
That changed her whole perspective, and she was able to care for her then-ailing mother with love and gratitude.
The sad truth is that we lose people to this disease every day. Those loses motivate some people to get help. The "why" part, why some are saved and some are not, is an unanswerable question.
The only sane response, for me, is acceptance of things as they are. Hugs to you.
Its pretty boring already...:)
dear barbara, I am so sorry to hear about Ant, glad Keven is doing great.
We are all different so there is no "magic formula" that fits us all. For me, it started with fear, a program, love and support, and then a relationship with God. God was he one, all the time. Desire, I believe is key, one must seek before they find.
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Great post..!!!I think a lot of people find it very useful....
I guess if we figured out the formula or knew the answer, we could cure all addicts (wow, what a codependent thought that is! :)
I will be blogging on this more I think, but Bryan and I are talking a lot about addiction and he has said that "forever when he thinks about drugs, he will only remember the good stuff." That is so scary to me. So, I don't know, but maybe those that make it (and Barbara, thank you for your hope for Bryan...I will choose not to think of it as arrogance but as grounded HOPE), make it because they can let that feeling of "how good it is" in their head sit quietly and not take the forefront in their thinking. I don't know.
Some questions never get answered, I guess. You are in my thoughts and my prayers, and I'm glad Keven is doing well.
The song line "one man's ceiling is another man's floor" comes to mind. It is assumed one can find a bottom and it is a surprise when it is never reached, no matter how painful the journey.
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