Tonight for the last half of our three hour meeting we went around the room and shared about our loved one and their diagnosis. It was heart wrenching. Several tears were shed. I think in many ways its hardest for a spouse who's husband or wife becomes mentally ill in the middle of what was once a great marriage. One woman shared that her 18 year old son has already determined that he will never have children in fear that he will pass his dad's bi-polar along to his own children, and he also lives in fear of it himself.
People throw around the term "bi-polar" likes its not that big of a deal, but for someone who has it or is living with someone who has it, its horrible. I don't even want to list the things Kev has been diagnosed with. Its funny, I have no problem sharing about his drug use, but still have a hard time even using the term "mental illness".
When it was my turn to share I started with his mention of suicide at age 6. My first warning sign. I also shared the worst night of my life (well one of them) which involved Keven in a wild and violent frame of mind, high on who-knows-what - I thought one of us was going to die that night. I thought it would be him. By some miracle, I talked him down and a few days later he was in rehab (the first of three times, the third time was Phoenix House and I am so THANKFUL for that place, I highly recommend it to anyone with addiction or dual diagnosis.)
Forgive the rambling way this post is written, I know its not composed very well but I just need to get it all out so I can sleep.
The very final person to share tonight was the man who leads our class. I think quite a few of us cried during what he shared. I'll just say this: there is so much hope for people with mental illness that get help and keep taking their meds. Some people have lived through nightmares are are living fulfilling lives today.
Lastly I will share something Keven said to me tonight. He's been spending a lot of time with "Kelly", Anthony's girlfriend. They have been close friends for years. They went to an NA mtg. last night which brought up a lot of bad memories for him. He told me about how he and Kelly would stay up all night shooting cocaine and how he'd come home to go to bed and lie in his bed and cry because his arms hurt so much and he felt so damn helpless like he would never be able to get off the coke and/or the heroin. I can't tell you how grateful I am today to hear him talk about this stuff rather than live it...and I also ask myself "why didn't you do something sooner? how could you be so blind? what were you thinking?"
I'm still scared every day that he may break down and use. I am not fooling myself that he's "better" but he has made tremendous strides and I am so proud of him. I love him so much. I am such an emotional wreck after hearing all those stories tonight....
I've been reading your blogs - the mix of good and bad news. I'm so glad I have all of you to share with. I know we've come to care a lot about each other and our children...and I am thankful for the people who read here just to be supportive, and those that are fighting addiction this very moment, or who have overcome it. We're all in this world together and we need each other.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
5 comments:
Dear Barbara, bless your heart.
I am so glad that you found that group of people. What a godsend. I am glad that your heart, after all you have been through, is open enough to be filled with compassion for the plight of others. That in itself, is such a major accomplishment.
while it may be impossible for you to trust "recovery", it may be possible to trust each and every clean day, one day at a time, because your kid is doing phenomenal...today, and that's a blessing. Love tonjia
Yes, Barbara, I know how heart wrenching these meetings are. I once spent a whole weekend at the rehab with my daughter. I was able to "check her out" during this time and she was allowed to spend the nights at the hotel with me. I am also glad that we have each other to lean on.
I am so glad to know that K is doing well. I know the meeting had to be hard, and hearing K talk about the shooting cocaine, but I am still so glad he seems to be doing so well. I'll take it!
God bless.
Barbara, I saw how sad my father was when my mother was taken to the psych ward. She suffered from severe depression. My dad cried over this. I hope that Keven's recovery continues one day at a time.
Barbara, I continue to be happy that Keven is doing well. And I agree that although it is hard to accept recovery with all that we have been through, if we can do it one day at a time as a parent that continues to love them, that is enough for me (at least right now).
Take care and sleep well each night...one night at a time. You and Keven and Ant remain in my prayers.
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