I got really upset earlier about the injustice of how things are relating to heroin addiction:
how easy it is to get
how addictive it is
how discouraging the statistics about recovery are
how not everyone is offered the same opportunity for rehab
But what it boils down to is what my son just said to me five minutes ago:
"I still think about it all the time. Every day its the main thought on my mind. Its always there. The only thing that stops me from using is thinking about the aftermath instead of the ritual and the high".
Then he told me that if he ever used again, he will purposely overdose because he rather be dead than to back to that old life.
I still think about it every day too because I know it still owns a part of him and always will.
10 comments:
Wow. That's saying a lot, that he'd purposely overdose. It's powerful and scary. Hugs to you.
Thanks, Kathy. I used to have daydreams about his funeral...what it would be like, who would be there, would I be a wreck or numb....I stopped having those a few months ago but hearing him say that today made me feel like throwing up because I know he's serious.
It's sad but I think every day it could be Alex's last.
Wow, Barbara. Your sons words are so honest and powerful. It means a lot, I think, for him to be able to admit this reality and say it to you. This is hopeful, don't you think? It also illustrates in such a scary way, what a strong, vise-like hold these drugs have on the user - ex or current. I think constantly about what my daughter has seen, witnessed, done to herself, subjected her self to in order to get her drugs and live the addiction lifestyle. How do you get those things out of your head? Well, unfortunately, one answer is, by numbing yourself. Catch-22.
I hope that as time passes, it won't be on his mind as much. I hope that he will find that living life straight is a good way to live. And living is much better than dying.
A drug counselor once told me that the statistics are based on people coming out of rehabs that actually fill out the forms for these statistics. I do not believe that to be an accurate number at all. There are people that get clean that have never gone to rehab, others do and don't fill out the paperwork, etc. Keep that in mind, it helped me. You and I have a lot in common in that we both raised our boys as single moms. There is a special openess that we share with our boys. I always cherished the fact that Z could always tell me anything. I have found recently that there are just some things I don't need to hear or know, it just hurts way to much. I think even though Keven was able to share that feeling with you, it must have been very hard on you to hear it. I agree with Dad also, every day could be Z's last day, even though he has not said those words to me. Much love and prayers coming your way. (((HUGS)))
I was reading a guys story yesterday who was 77 and he had been sober for 48 years, but when he talked about his sobriety it was the first 5 years he talked about. He called them his foundation years. K will be fine, one day at a time. Look after yourself Barbara, your juggling a lot at the moment. Remember to breath. A cup of tea on the porch or in the garden:)
Time heals us gradually!
I can get mad and sad just like you. You're doing the right things though, getting it out "on paper". Joining with the group that's doing the demonstration. Do what you need to do to take care of you, and that can also mean taking action and getting involved.
K's first statement was very mature. It's thinking about the consequences before taking the action. Very mature. His second statement saddens me, but hopefully he was just saying it to get the point across that he's NOT going back there again. And hoping for you to trust him in his convictions that he won't.
Love & hugs!!!
God bless.
I am a recovered heroin addict myself. I have been clean for three years, and my son will be one year old tomorrow. My life has changed so much since I decided to conquor my addiction. I have started my own blog about my past through my eyes of today. It takes hard work and dedication, but recovery is possible.
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