January 4, 2012

How Did I Get Here So Fast?

Today as I walked on my lunch break (first day back at work after the last fiasco), I pondered on all the things I did WRONG to get back where I am with Kev today.  I didn't beat myself up about it, I just observed the mistakes I made and marveled at how quickly I came crashing down into the Hell known as "being involved with your addict".

I admit, I had it pretty easy in 2011 because the court was in charge of his every move.  He HAD to be in rehab (or jail when he messed up).  Since being terminated from the court program he's been arrogant, sketchy, and defiant.

For someone like me who is by nature compassionate and forgiving, etc. (sounds like good traits but not under all circumstances!) its difficult to turn my back on anyone in need.  From strangers to my own flesh and blood son - I want to encourage and help (enable).

So when I opened the front door on Christmas evening I was opening a door that should have remained closed.  Christmas - a date on the calendar - caused me to let my guard down and wiped out all the work I had recently put into not enabling and into having fun, etc.  Ugh.

We need to be on guard at all times.  Its not fair to have to live like that, but its necessary.  In letting my guard down for one day I have invited the monster of addiction back into my home and am having to deal with stress, anger, anxiety, fear, etc.

Oh and an update:  His PO called him today and said he has to come in tomorrow!  YAY!  That was good news.  Will he DO anything?  I sure as hell hope so.  Just to get him out of the house again is all I need in order to KEEP him out.

Wow, its sad that I am writing about the person I love more than anything.

I'm going for a walk with my neighbor tonight - a step back in the right direction.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


Syd said...

I'm sure that things will go the way they are supposed to.

Kathy Scruton said...

Proud that you see it! That is a good reality for you and will keep you strong. Have a fabulous walk!

Terri said...

Take care of YOU! Thinkng about you.

Annette said...

It is amazing how easy it is to fall back into those old habits of enabling and rationalizing poor behavior. I found myself in the same position after my mom died with H...and I was shocked too! How did I end up back here?! It happens...recognizing it and then taking steps to get yourself back to where you need to be is huge. Keep at my dear.

Have Myelin? said...

I still ponder over the things I did wrong but I do it less frequently now. There are things I would change and I know what they are.

They can't be changed. You can't go back in time. I've accepted that. Doesn't mean I never ponder.. but I try not to.

Praying for you.

beachteacher said...

Wow,... what perfect choices of words to define the using addict,... at least from my experience with D.,... he was exactly those things,... Arrogant, sketchy ,... Terribly so ! , and defiant. And my nature is also compassionate & forgiving too , which is what made it doubly hard to draw boundaries & keep them when I had to with D. It's also why I've so easily been able to relate to how hard this has been for you to di(get tougher w/Keven)

Dee said...

To quote John Lennon: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

Isn't that how we all got here...?

Good for you for observing, shaking it off, then starting anew.

bugerlugs63 said...

Hi . . I'm referring to to your previous post where you replied to Anons comments by saying Yes you needed to hear this over and over . . . I predict the same (as Anon)if you dont put those (and more) boundaries back in place, your home will be the battlefield. Although I don't know first hand how much strength you need to "put him out" with his bag of clothes. . . I know that in the long-run you will need a whole lot more strength to "keep him in" and be part of this every-day chaos . . I think you're gonna be paying for him to use for the next month. If he wasn't using he would want rehab/help to stay clean. He might have "heard" all they have to say but hearing is not enough. I hate sounding this harsh but you said you needed to hear it. If it's not Christmas it will a birthday or some such day . . The monster is all too aware of this and of your compassionate nature. I know this is hard but you're either part of it or you're not . . and at the moment you are. Being part of it will be constant turmoil. But you know this. All said with love as always. Di

notmyboy said...

I have to disagree with Di. Addicts do not need rehab over and over and over again. They need a program AA/NA and a sober place to live, and they need to want sobriety. That is the formula that works!

We never know what will flip a switch with our addicts once we direct them to the right path (ie Sober living house). Some actually get and stay sober. The ones who are just there by force or to please someone else often relapse (or frankly never quit to begin with).

If Keven does not want to stop and get help, there is nothing your month's rent money will buy but heartache. If he is over it and wants to turn his life around, your rent money just might be his ticket to freedom.

Anonymous said...

YEAH - you are back!!!! Stay strong - praying for you and Keven!!!!!

Tracy said...

It is so nice to see that you are able to use your compassionate and forgiving nature to NOT turn your back on someone in need...you. <3

LL Cool Joe said...

You only did what any decent mother would do. Don't beat yourself up about it. But it is time to think about you, and what you need, not Keven.

Thinking of you as always.

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