Today as I walked on my lunch break (first day back at work after the last fiasco), I pondered on all the things I did WRONG to get back where I am with Kev today. I didn't beat myself up about it, I just observed the mistakes I made and marveled at how quickly I came crashing down into the Hell known as "being involved with your addict".
I admit, I had it pretty easy in 2011 because the court was in charge of his every move. He HAD to be in rehab (or jail when he messed up). Since being terminated from the court program he's been arrogant, sketchy, and defiant.
For someone like me who is by nature compassionate and forgiving, etc. (sounds like good traits but not under all circumstances!) its difficult to turn my back on anyone in need. From strangers to my own flesh and blood son - I want to encourage and help (enable).
So when I opened the front door on Christmas evening I was opening a door that should have remained closed. Christmas - a date on the calendar - caused me to let my guard down and wiped out all the work I had recently put into not enabling and into having fun, etc. Ugh.
We need to be on guard at all times. Its not fair to have to live like that, but its necessary. In letting my guard down for one day I have invited the monster of addiction back into my home and am having to deal with stress, anger, anxiety, fear, etc.
Oh and an update: His PO called him today and said he has to come in tomorrow! YAY! That was good news. Will he DO anything? I sure as hell hope so. Just to get him out of the house again is all I need in order to KEEP him out.
Wow, its sad that I am writing about the person I love more than anything.
I'm going for a walk with my neighbor tonight - a step back in the right direction.
Peace, Hope and Love,