January 1, 2012

Open Letter to Lou - He's Home, now what?!?

I was going to send this to Lou in an email after reading her comment, but then I realized it may help someone else and plus I wanted to tell you all what's going on.  I think those of us who know her consider Lou to be an extremely inspiring and wise blogger with a lot of experience, strength and hope.  Plus she's an RN so she has also has a wealth of knowledge in that field.

Lou's comment:

Injecting bath salts (and any number of other drugs, especially meth) puts one into a drug induced psychosis. The mental symptoms are exacerbated with lack of sleep, poor diet, etc. It is impossible to treat mental breakdowns while drugs are in the system. I'm telling you this from own experience, Barbara. Mental hospitals will not accept someone obviously high-that was our problem when we tried to get our son committed.
Where do they go?? There is no system in place for someone in Keven's condition. Since he hasn't broken the law, he will be released. You should be working on a place for him to go--letting him come home will not work. I don't like giving advice, but I have been in this situation and it is a terrible, helpless feeling. Keven is in need of a "time out", someplace where he can get the drugs out of his system. Only then can you work on underlying issues.
If I can give you any hope, our son survived some of the most awful, terrifying situations. When things were most bleak, God showed us a way out. That's what I believe.

My response:



Lou,

You were right, they released him from the hospital just hours later. I didn't want to bring him home but didn't know what else to do with him at the strike of midnight while he was in this condition! I finally slept (took 2 sleeping pills) and he sat on my floor all night doing tweaker projects, he's still working on one (its better than picking his face!) He crawled in bed with me a few times and said "love and hugs" and curled up next to me hugging me. It was so tender and innocent, it broke my heart.

So now - what the fuck do I do? In your comment you said there is no place set up to handle this condition but that he needs to go somewhere to get OFF the drugs and get out of psychosis. I agree but WHERE? What do I do from here? This is the most upset and scared we (my mom, sis and me) have ever been about him. I read ALL his text messages last night and learned that on his birthday, the very day he entered "Able to Change" he was calling around for drugs!!!!!!!!!! He never had any intention of getting clean he just wanted to appease me and in the back of his mind knew he'd leave there (he did in 10 days). I guess he gave it a halfhearted try because they told me after a few days he seemed to be more involved and positive - but obviously he is VERY sick. The second we got home from the hospital last night he was on the phone trying to find a rig to do more drugs.

The only lock down facilities are mental hospitals and like you said, they won't take him because his condition is drug induced. We've tried that so many times. If I take him to a rehab again (with a brand new deductible to pay because of the new year) he will just leave. I've tried it all - where do I go? I am desperate.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Lou, and everyone else that reads here. I wish they would have had a phone list at the meeting yesterday, but the secretary forget them :(

P.S. The doctor in charge of him last night was the most unprofessional, mean, stupid-headed doctor I have ever met. I want to file a complaint. He said to the cop "I've seen this kid before, he's hopeless, he's not going to change". I would not have believed that but then when I got there he went into a long lecture about how Keven was HOPELESS and told me that in the hospital he did his residency in if a drug addict like Keven needed a heart valve or some other costly surgery, they would let them DIE because it wasn't worth it to do a surgery they wouldn't receive payment for on a person that would just go out and continue to use. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE SAID THIS? I HEARD IT WITH MY OWN EARS AND AM IN SHOCK. I am seriously considering filing a complaint. Keven cried all the way home because of this in-compassionate asshole that is employed as a doctor!

P.S.  He's on a mission to pull apart a three ring binder (the metal part) because he may find heroin or a million dollars inside.  Dear God, please, please reveal the next step for my son before he stays permanently locked in this horrible place.

P.S.S.  This is day three of no sleep for him.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

23 comments:

Barbara said...

Also, thanks for ALL the comments on the last post. Special thanks to Anon for sharing that helpful info.

Lou said...

Barb, if I had the answers I would be rich.

1) I would report the doctor to hospital administration. That is a breach of ethics, and the hospital must know about it.

2) Anon says you can get him committed. That's true, but it's a LONG process with court hearings, etc. Since Keven is an adult, you will have to prove beyond doubt he is a danger to himself or others. You might want to look into the process, and what it involves, but that is not going to help you right now.

3) Keven needs to get out of your house. Your options are limited. I would try taking him to another hospital ER. Make a huge scene that he is threatening suicide. He should have been kept overnight last night, until a psych consult came in. I'm shocked the doctor released him. If Keven harms himself, you would have every right to sue. If someone came into our ER in his condition they are put on at least a 24 hour watch.

Another option is calling one of the shrinks he has seen. If you can convince them to call a mental hospital, Keven can get in that way, by a professional referral.

The last resort is to drive him to the homeless shelter. They WILL get him either jailed or hospitalized when he causes a disturbance.

I'm sorry, none of these are ideal. You are playing with fire letting him stay at your house in this condition. Pls make a decision, and know you are doing the best you can with what you know right now. No one can see the future, sometimes we have to bite the bullet, and pray, pray that God has it covered.

God bless Keven, he must be hurting so very badly to treat himself this way. XOXO

madyson007 said...

Barbara....I have no wise advice for you but I just want you to know I love you and care about you and Kevin. I am scared for you. This is a serious place you find yourself in and desperate measures may be called for like...any of the above suggestions Lou made. I am praying fiercely for a solution to both yours and Keven's situation. I think of you so often through the day that I hope you can feel my vibes of hope coming your way.

I think I might email Lou and ask about my situation. I know Lou doesn't want to be the wise advice giver but sometimes with experience comes insight.

Why must we all experience the horrors of addiction?

madyson007 said...

Barbara....I have no wise advice for you but I just want you to know I love you and care about you and Kevin. I am scared for you. This is a serious place you find yourself in and desperate measures may be called for like...any of the above suggestions Lou made. I am praying fiercely for a solution to both yours and Keven's situation. I think of you so often through the day that I hope you can feel my vibes of hope coming your way.

I think I might email Lou and ask about my situation. I know Lou doesn't want to be the wise advice giver but sometimes with experience comes insight.

Why must we all experience the horrors of addiction?

Pammie said...

I remember one time when my daugher (now sober) was doing some horrific things in a pay by the hour crack motel and I was sobbing to my mother about it. She said "have you ever thought about tieing her up and beating the shit out of her?" I said "Good lord mother, she gets beat up all the time that won't help her!" My mother said "No, I meant it might give you a moment of feel good though." We both laughed so hard at the absurdity of that and it broke the grip of fear I was in.
I say this because I understand that claw like grip that you are feeling right now and when we are in that vise grip we are stuck, stuck, stuck.
"He keeps threatening suicide" is usually the best way to get someone to take them. Even if he isn't doing that....out loud.
Or just beat the shit out of him girl and see if you feel better.

beachteacher said...

Damn,...I was just finishing a comment & lost it. I'm actually writing this on a plane...thanks Delta for free wi-Fi. Anyway, my friend just had her heroin shooting daughter involuntarily committed & it didn't take more than a couple or 3 days,...although I know time is critical here. My friend did this in Massachusetts & is a former attorney, but she also k ows CA. law as she just moved from there a couple of years ago. I'll call her when I land & ask for advice or any info. She may know on how to expedite it there where you are. She formerly lived inHuntington Beach. Sending love. I'm praying for your Immediate help

Annette said...

Oh Barbara, when H was going through this stuff, she wasn't at home. She was in her own home with her then boyfriend. I didn't have to make this hard decisions. I am so sorry for you. But I do agree with everyone else....he can't be at home. Its not safe. I like Lou's idea of going to a different ER. and raise a fuss.

And yes report that dr. He needs to be educated on substance abuse and the effects on the family and the torment you are going through and how he just added to it! I have had that experience with law enforcement though. Its like a knife in the gut. The people who are supposed to help, kick you while you are down.

((HUG)) Bless your heart Barbara. All I can do is pray for you and Keven.

Topper said...

I'm just going to jump in with the others and say Bless Your Heart, and Vaya con Dios for what you and your family are going through. I'm praying better days are ahead. It seems like going to a different ER might be best, IF you could get him to go, or the homeless shelter, also, since I dont think being there in your home is going to do anything but give him a place to keep doing what he's been doing...

Her Big Sad said...

I have nothing new to offer here Barbara, I agree with the suggestions above. My home would not be an option. I am concerned for your safety (and your Mom/Sis).

You took the NAMI classes, right? Were you given the PET number? The number you call if you need an emergency field evaluation? The team comes out and evaluates and may 5150 from that location, etc? I think I still have that info buried somewhere in the book class info... let me know if you can't find it. Also, do you have your NAMI teacher's number? They've usually 'been through it', and may have some suggestions.

Another ER with a lot of emphasis on your fear for your own safety, your fear for you mom's health/safety, etc, or a call to the PET team might be an option? I don't know, I'm grasping. This next sentence is going to sound cruel, but it is meant in love.... you may have to turn him away and let him get into a disturbance or issue involving the police (I was almost hoping that had happened when I read about Ant running from the police), so that he is arrested. Because our inadequate systems are not able to help him detox and get some clean time to let his brain heal, JAIL or even PRISON may be a blessing for him. Another arrest, another felony, if it could result in an extended stay in a facility that included mental health care, it could make the difference. I know it was HUGE for my daughter. Not that she couldn't chuck it all tomorrow and go use, but this is the healthiest and most determined I've seen her, and it took prison and medications for almost a year, to make the difference. I'm rambling, so I'll just hush and continue to pray for you ALL. Bless you Barbara!

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Barbara, praying, praying, praying.....

One thing we did was take the phone. I took it, canceled service and threw it against a brick wall. My thought was that I would NOT pay for his link to dealers. That's all I've got besides prayer and don't underestimate it's power. Hang in there, God will give you the strength and vision to know what to do next as long as you let go and ask for His will.
Love to you during this difficult time.

Mrs F with 4 said...

Barbara, I, too, have no advice to offer you...Only love, a constant stream of quiet prayer, and hugs from north of the border.

Syd said...

Barbara, I think it would be best to get him out of your house. Take him to a shelter. Cut off the phone if you are paying for it. He runs to you because he knows you will take him in and he can use you. I don't think it is about love but about getting what he wants. Wwe have a mobile crisis unit in this city. If you have on there, call them. And get some phone numbers from parents in Al-Anon. At least you can talk to someone. I don't want to write this as advice. Take it as an opinion. I have no experience with drug addiction. You might also be able to call the NA hotline and talk to someone there. Not a good way to start 2012 for you.

Syd said...

Here is what I found for the NA hotline for CA. http://www.usrecovery.info/NA/California.htm
Maybe someone will talk to you in your location. I hope do.

lauren said...

Dear Barbara,
I have a suggestion that worked for a friend of mine and her son. We live in NY. When her son was in this state of mind from similiar stuff. She sat down and wrote many letters, all said the same thing. First to hospital administration, doctors, psychiatrists, our local legislature, congress representative and all the way up. Had them delivered.In these letters it explained all that had been happening and the response, and how she needed help.
She got help. She was called the next day from the head of the hospital, congessman..she got her son a stay in the psych ward. He got the help he needed when he left in support services. However, he would not comply when he was discharged. It is worth a try. Your son is truly blessed to have you for a mother. GOD couldn't have picked a more perfect match. Barbara, Pray "Mary, Take Over." SHe watched her son suffer as you are watching yours. She will help open doors for change.

notmyboy said...

Have you considered contacting Dr. Phil? I know he has helped many addicts in similar situations. Maybe we could all start a letter writing campaign on your behalf???

My entire family is praying for you.

Jackie said...

Barbara-

It's impossible for a non- addicted person to understand the insanity of an alcoholic/addict. And, addicts rely on that. Because everyone keeps thinking that if they say the right thing, do the right thing,a lightbulb will go on and the addict will get it. And, the addict uses that guilt, that love, that sense of responsibility to get what they can. Money, shelter, release from responsibility for their behavior.
Maybe it would help to think of the person standing in front of you as not your child but the monster that consumed your child. And, the only way to defeat the monster is to refuse to treat it as if it were your child. The monster can't be in your house. The monster can't have your money, your food, your phone, your time. You are saving those things for when the monster gives up and returns your child.
I have not been the parent of an addict. I have only been the addict - I have been the person trapped inside the monster. So, I apologize if this is not helpful and, I am praying for you and your son.

Mary Christine said...

I only know one thing: God loves you and God loves Keven. And only you and God can know what you should do - but I would suggest praying.

Anna said...

Barbara,

My own boundary is that she can stay with me or I will stay with her if she is too sick to seek drugs or if by some miracle she simply chooses not to seek drugs. It only took her about 48 hours after breaking 6 vertabrae to be seeking drugs.


I am extremely concerned that he had a weapon when running from police. The national alliance for the mentally ill which is a support group for people who love and care for the mentally ill tells us to leave immediately if we fear violence. At the very least keep your keys in your pocket and make sure that he is not between you and a door. Never let your exit be blocked. Throw away the phone while he is sleeping.Say he lost it do not build confrontations as he may get violent.

In an extreme case it is his word against yours that he is threatening suicide or threatening to kill you or both. That will get him committed for a 48 or 72 hour hold depending on your state. At that point if you do not take him home the institution is supposed to find a placement for him. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't but at least you will not be throwing him in the street. Get a restraining order on him and do not let him back in your house.

You have a right and even a responsibility to live in a peaceful healthy home.

These are all options. You need also consider that he brings other dangers. His dealers may come and hurt you. You or your mom can catch MRSA and staff are very catchy.


Where will he be if he ever does get clean and you are useless because the disease brought you so far down you can no longer help. This is what I tell myself when I must protect myself.

This is my brain storming based on experience. Take what you like and leave the rest. No matter what you do there is great danger for Keven. You can make yourself a lot safer. His safety is really up to him even though he is incompetent. This is our society and you can not change it in this moment.

Annette said...

Gosh, look at how loved you are here in our little blogger world. Lots of good suggestions here. And Syd... bless his heart, he did the research for you. Keep us posted when you can...we love you and are worried about you and Keven, but putting you in Gods hands trusting that there is a solution somewhere.

Dad and Mom said...

Barbara,

There can be nothing good happen until you step out of this situation and Keven must decide to live or die on his own.

Keven is already committing suicide, it is just that we don't know the timeline. It is time for you to not be taken down with him.

You must realize you and your mother have worth, with or without Keven. If that seems harsh or you cannot realize that then seek out a meeting or counselor. There is nothing you haven't tried and it is now Keven's turn.

It certainly seems like from your posts that Keven has the capability for violence. You must remember this is not the baby you raised. This is an addiction monster that has no feelings for you. When Keven's body manipulates you, loves you, pats you and talks to you remember you must realize there is nothing there that is good for you. It is to feed the monster.

For your baby to come back it is his step. If he is not capable to take that step then there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him take the step. Prepare yourself for the eventuality.

I hope you don't think I am too harsh, I am concerned for you and I don't know what else to say.

Ron

Bristolvol said...

Barbara,
You are not responsible for Keven and his behavior. You need to take him to the city park and leave him there. He manipulates you to no end. You cannot allow to put yourself or your family at risk. I told you before about a client of ours who was on bath salts. He took his much larger uncle and slammed him to the ground because he got made at him. He also severely injured him during this assault. Please, we all care and want you to be safe from harm. Keven's behavior is pure manipulation, don't forget this. Get away from him before it is too late. I also care and I hope you don't take offense. Please be safe and let him go. You said that you would, now is the time to act on this resolution.

Terri said...

Barbara,
I am so sorry that you are going thorugh this. Everyone above has given great advice. We are all thinking of you. PLEASE take care of youself. You don't deserve the violence or the fear you have been subjected to.

Prayers for you!
Terri

Sue said...

That doctor is a fucking bastard.

This is heartbreaking :(

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