January 29, 2012

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....

.....why do I still want to think its a chicken?

Ok, you know how you KNOW something beyond a shadow of a doubt?  For example 2 + 2 = 4.  But sometimes you don't want to know it so you try to mentally change the outcome by thinking to yourself something like:  Well, maybe one of the 2s was really a 5 backwards and so 2 + 5 = 7....  Maybe no one else rationalizes that way, but I did this Friday.

The bottom line is, when relating to addiction, there are times we desperately want to believe our addict.  Not because they are trustworthy or believable (if they are using - they are not!) but because we are so tired or so sick of the reality or in temporary insanity mode (denial).

I KNEW Keven had used meth on Thursday because all day Friday he was doing a tweaker projects (he had almost every electric cord in the house in a big pile (we had a whole box of them) - including my phone charger which will really pissed me off).  But I decided to pretend he would not be stupid enough to use two days before going to sober living and getting tested.  Silly me.

Later I found a syringe on my bedroom floor that had fallen out of his pocket.  He still denied it (said he was draining blood from an abscess on his arm with it).  I didn't make a big deal about it, why bother, all I asked was "will you test clean on Saturday"?  He said he would, that he knew what he was doing (feel free to laugh here, I did).

We get to the sober living place yesterday and the guy was all you'd ever want in a sober living place.  We both liked him and the house and their rules.  They are accredited and have a high rating (its all posted on their wall).  So he tested Keven and he was dirty for meth.  The guy asked him how long ago he used and Keven said Thursday so he made an exception for him and said he could stay and retest Sunday night but if he was lying and the test came up dirty on Sunday at 8 pm he had to leave.

So here I sit wondering what will happen tonight.  I really, really, really want him to be able to stay.  Its a great location for someone without a car, its in the "heart of recovery" for Orange County, meetings all over the place also within walking distance.

I love my son so much.  I am not surprised by his behavior because addicts use, lie, steal, etc.  I go from anger to feeling compassion and then remind myself its out of my control and I need to let go.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


a Mom's Serious Blunder said...

I know exactly what you mean...I want to believe too. When they mess up ....I still want to believe, until I can't. That's when I want I want to walk away and never look back. Why it is we are unable to do that is the purest definition of our own insanity.

Dad and Mom said...

If he is too "dirty" to live in a sober living house will he be "clean" enough for him to live with you

beachteacher said...

now there's a question to ponder....that Dad posed. Let us know what happens please.

Her Big Sad said...

Hard decisions.... What will your boundary be? Dad posed a good question. Another way to phrase it is, will you live with drug use in your home any longer? I hate that we sometimes have to answer that question Barbara. But it is YOUR boundary you need to consider. Not his using, or not using. He has proven over and over that he is likely not done yet. That he is going to use while living in your home. What will you live with? Please know I ask this in love and caring about you. Just my thoughts. I am praying for you guys. Love and big hugs, my friend!

Bristolvol said...

Barbara, the longer you tolerate this behavior, the longer it will go on. There is no reason for him to change anything as long as you don't change anything. BTW, it is a duck. :(

bugerlugs63 said...

. . .Like he said
"I know what I'm doing"
Yes, purposefully sabotaging his chances there because he doesn't want to be there . . . he's ok where he is.
Not all addicts steal and lie etc ;-)
Unfortunately the way you dealt with Ant . . . needs to be how you deal with Keven. I know that must be much harder when he's your (only)son but Ant knows you mean it . . . Not to be in touch until he's in recovery . . . Keven knows you don't.
For now this might seem the "easy" way . . . But you know this road.
I feel for you Barbara but I get angry with Keven . . . If he chooses this life then to man up and live it, but to leave you out of it. He shouldn't be "putting it on you" to throw him out . . . He knows how hard that is for you and is taking advantage. It's cruel. I'm ranting now . . . Sorry. Hugs n love x

Syd said...

I hope that you will take care of yourself around the manipulation that Keven does. Once again, you feel badly because he continues to make a mess of whatever chances he has to get into sober living. He would no doubt rather continue to live with you. But is it good for you?

Topper said...

bless your heart....but we have to see it for what it is. please take into account what the wise people that posted before me say.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to keep you and Keven in my thoughts and prayers, Barbara. Take care.
Shelley in SK


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