January 20, 2012

Going Against Nature UPDATED

First of all, WOW.  I am humbled and honored and grateful to find out there are so many people reading here that I didn't know about!  I've received some emails and feel like I've met new friends on this journey.  Because Blogger will only allow 100 readers private access to a blog, I decided to keep it open, but I changed the settings so that search engines will not find it.  I tested it out and was unable to find this blog using any search terms that include Keven.  There is no way I could say "no" to anyone who wants to keep reading.

In one of the emails I received,  a mother of an addict shared her definition of the emotions a mother naturally has versus the emotions the mother of an addict adopts for the sake of her child and herself.   I've asked her permission to share, so hopefully I can post it here later.

COOL, she gave me permission to post it here, you can find her blog at "Addiction from the parent's Perspective":


Compassion = "We all make mistakes. You are only human. No harm done. Shake it off. Mommy loves you."

Encouragement = "You do what makes YOU happy. I'm your biggest cheerleader!"

Comfort = "I'm sorry you are hurting. Come here and let me make it all better.  You look like you need a hug"

Protection = "I won't let anyone hurt my baby! Stand behind me. I'll take care of you."


Compassion = "You've done wrong. You've made some really bad choices. Mommy loves you, but Mommy will not be witness to your continued destruction. When you are ready for recovery, Mommy will be here"

Encouragement = "Choose life!  Choose life! There is hope on the other side. You can do this, but you have to want it MORE than you want drugs. Call me when that happens and I'll be right here waiting for you."

Comfort = "I'm sorry you are trying to kill yourself. Go get help. You are loved. You need to kiss your own boo boo's now."

Protection = "I won't let your disease hurt me because I know YOU really don't want to hurt me. It does. It also wants to kill YOU. I will protect you from It by not giving you anything that makes It stronger...like shelter or money. I  know you want to stop It, but you need help. I will protect you with every fiber of my being by making It responsible for It's actions.

Its SO TRUE.  Maternal instincts are not designed to turn your back on your child, or not lend a hand when needed, or not sympathize and comfort, etc.  Even most mothers of adult children still feel very protective and concerned for their children.  (My mom:  don't forget to bring a sweater, its cold!).  I guess its habit, but I think maybe us moms really don't like the thought of our kids being cold.

But it becomes necessary.  And that's why it hurts so much.  To react in the opposite way that you would react to a "normal" child is unnatural.  I only have one child but I imagine that if I had another one that had a job and was running short on cash I'd have no problem lending him/her $50 to get through till the next paycheck.  I wouldn't dream of handing Keven $50!  Even if he had a legitimate need, I just don't give him cash.  I don't even keep cash around (unless I forget).  Sad.

Of course that's just one example, and its a simple no-brainer.  Sometimes you have to say "no" to the child who is crying (literally) for help, but is not willing to do whatever it takes.  Sometimes you have to go to bed wondering where your kid is sleeping, if they are alive, if they are using dirty needles, if they are in jail....etc.  With a "normal" child you probably worry a bit that they might get in an accident of some sort, or make a bad decision, but it doesn't rip your heart out.

Keven is still at home.  He's been sleeping, watching TV and waiting for his PO to tell him to move back to Sober Living (he called him and is waiting for a return call...he's the king of procrastination).  We allow it because we keep thinking it will help him to stabilize a bit more by staying at home.  Wrong or right, its going okay.  He's been quiet, kind, relatively helpful.  He basically watches TV, eats and sleeps.  I actually will miss him when he leaves - I couldn't have said that last week.

We watched a dumb movie together last night and it was heavenly to hear his laugh a few times.  He's still very paranoid and anxious and says that he feels like his adrenalin is on overload and it exhausts him, that's why he sleeps so much.  I know sleeping is a sign of using, but he for sure hasn't used recently.  I hope most of his symptoms are a result of the bath salts and will wear off eventually - the sooner the better.

Thinking of you and yours and praying for all of us...

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


Anonymous said...

Dear Barbara,
I, too, have been a long-time lurker who has never commented before. You are an inspiration and always in my prayers, along with Keven.

Syd said...

Glad that you are keeping the blog open and that things are going well with Keven.

Lisa said...

I'm glad that you are finding some enjoyment in having Keven home. I continue to be amazed at your strength and resilience.

You and Keven are in my thoughts and prayers every single day!

I hope your mom is also handling it well with Keven there.

Lou said...

I know sometimes I just wanted a few good days to store away in my heart. It helped me through the times when I was afraid of what tomorrow would bring.

I'm glad you still share here. It's become a support for you.

beachteacher said...

The thought of you & Keven laughing at a movie together warms my heart. So thankful you had that experience together. Peace to you both

Annette said...

Sleeping is sometimes a sign of a body replenishing itself, healing itself. His body has been through a lot the past month or so. More so than his usual... :o) Glad you are keeping your blog open.

Tori said...

I love what that lady wrote. I am going to copy it and stick it where I can see it all the time.

B sleeps a lot. He actually goes thru phases. A lot of times when he has his 7am class he gets home about 11am, eats something and sleeps for a few hours. But, he doesn't do that all the time. The days he sleeps till noon drive me crazy, but I reason to myself that I would rather him sleep. The counselor told me it when he goes through his patterns of sleeping a lot it is because his body needs it as well as his depression. I only believe that because when he does sleep a lot I can see his mood changing a couple of days before and I know it is coming.

It takes so long for their body and brain to heal, if it ever really does.

It is so hard isn't it?

notmyboy said...

The interesting thing about this is that at many sober houses he would NOT be allowed to sleep. He has to stay active and busy (working or finding work). My son's house has a rise time of 7AM and out of the house by 9AM. They can't return until 4PM, at which point they have meetings and house duties. In a way it is like a somewhat relaxed boot camp. My son would sleep all day if they let him. I love the discipline they are instilling that I somehow never managed to be able to enforce.

Anonymous said...

a heartful thank you for keeping your blog open....

bugerlugs63 said...

I'm pleased you're keeping your blog open . . . I did wonder when you said there was only room for 100 readers.
Also real pleased that your house is peaceful at the moment.
Is it some (legal) medication making him sleep so much?
I only know the one time I got clean for a few months . . . I was praying/begging God for some sleep. It was impossible. I so badly wanted to sleep and just could not. If it is his meds maybe they could change something?
Anyway at least you are getting some much deserved and needed peace in you life. Take good care. Hugs n love.

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