First of all, WOW. I am humbled and honored and grateful to find out there are so many people reading here that I didn't know about! I've received some emails and feel like I've met new friends on this journey. Because Blogger will only allow 100 readers private access to a blog, I decided to keep it open, but I changed the settings so that search engines will not find it. I tested it out and was unable to find this blog using any search terms that include Keven. There is no way I could say "no" to anyone who wants to keep reading.
In one of the emails I received, a mother of an addict shared her definition of the emotions a mother naturally has versus the emotions the mother of an addict adopts for the sake of her child and herself. I've asked her permission to share, so hopefully I can post it here later.
COOL, she gave me permission to post it here, you can find her blog at "Addiction from the parent's Perspective":
Compassion = "We all make mistakes. You are only human. No harm done. Shake it off. Mommy loves you."
Encouragement = "You do what makes YOU happy. I'm your biggest cheerleader!"
Comfort = "I'm sorry you are hurting. Come here and let me make it all better. You look like you need a hug"
Protection = "I won't let anyone hurt my baby! Stand behind me. I'll take care of you."
Compassion = "You've done wrong. You've made some really bad choices. Mommy loves you, but Mommy will not be witness to your continued destruction. When you are ready for recovery, Mommy will be here"
Encouragement = "Choose life! Choose life! There is hope on the other side. You can do this, but you have to want it MORE than you want drugs. Call me when that happens and I'll be right here waiting for you."
Comfort = "I'm sorry you are trying to kill yourself. Go get help. You are loved. You need to kiss your own boo boo's now."
Protection = "I won't let your disease hurt me because I know YOU really don't want to hurt me. It does. It also wants to kill YOU. I will protect you from It by not giving you anything that makes It stronger...like shelter or money. I know you want to stop It, but you need help. I will protect you with every fiber of my being by making It responsible for It's actions.
Its SO TRUE. Maternal instincts are not designed to turn your back on your child, or not lend a hand when needed, or not sympathize and comfort, etc. Even most mothers of adult children still feel very protective and concerned for their children. (My mom: don't forget to bring a sweater, its cold!). I guess its habit, but I think maybe us moms really don't like the thought of our kids being cold.
But it becomes necessary. And that's why it hurts so much. To react in the opposite way that you would react to a "normal" child is unnatural. I only have one child but I imagine that if I had another one that had a job and was running short on cash I'd have no problem lending him/her $50 to get through till the next paycheck. I wouldn't dream of handing Keven $50! Even if he had a legitimate need, I just don't give him cash. I don't even keep cash around (unless I forget). Sad.
Of course that's just one example, and its a simple no-brainer. Sometimes you have to say "no" to the child who is crying (literally) for help, but is not willing to do whatever it takes. Sometimes you have to go to bed wondering where your kid is sleeping, if they are alive, if they are using dirty needles, if they are in jail....etc. With a "normal" child you probably worry a bit that they might get in an accident of some sort, or make a bad decision, but it doesn't rip your heart out.
Keven is still at home. He's been sleeping, watching TV and waiting for his PO to tell him to move back to Sober Living (he called him and is waiting for a return call...he's the king of procrastination). We allow it because we keep thinking it will help him to stabilize a bit more by staying at home. Wrong or right, its going okay. He's been quiet, kind, relatively helpful. He basically watches TV, eats and sleeps. I actually will miss him when he leaves - I couldn't have said that last week.
We watched a dumb movie together last night and it was heavenly to hear his laugh a few times. He's still very paranoid and anxious and says that he feels like his adrenalin is on overload and it exhausts him, that's why he sleeps so much. I know sleeping is a sign of using, but he for sure hasn't used recently. I hope most of his symptoms are a result of the bath salts and will wear off eventually - the sooner the better.
Thinking of you and yours and praying for all of us...
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara