January 10, 2012

"I told you so"

Well, the other shoe dropped.  He stayed out all night last night.  Feel free to say "I told you so" but, I had already prepared myself so I am not surprised, just upset for my mother.  How do I help her to learn to Let Go?  She worries even more when she doesn't know where he is, because she knows what he's up to.

I packed his stuff and put it on the front porch.  He was suppose to move into the sober living TODAY.  If he chooses to stop by here I will be here (luckily this is one of my last days off before I work full time so I can stay home all day (except between 1:00 - 2:00) to watch over things if he comes by and tries to get in).  Again, who is suffering:  my mother!

I will call the cops if he tries to break in.  How the hell am I suppose to leave my mother home alone while I work when he's out there?  I rather have him in jail.

Oh, you'll love this - its so predictable.  Keven and I were watching a movie together in my room (True Grit) and he gets a call from Anthony.  Low and behold, Anthony was kicked out of Unidos already for using fake pee.  A few minutes after the call Keven said he was going out with Andrew.  I didn't even try and stop him, I knew the real plan.  So he left, saying he wouldn't be late and never came home.

He took Suboxone yesterday so he's probably using meth or bath salts again. Its no surprise that after a week of not using, after being loved and cared for by his family, he still chooses the drugs.  Its what addicts do.  I had no illusions that it would be any other way, but still, I had a bit of hope that he'd at least make it into the Sober Living.  Oh well.

Addiction is a family disease.  I'm working on my recovery now more than ever.  I wish there was some way to help my mother (she won't go to a meeting).

Thanks for following along with the stupid ass drama going on over here.  I am so sick of it.  I miss writing about other things.  Maybe I will go back to my old blog and try to regain some of my SELF.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

25 comments:

Dad and Mom said...

There is no "I told you so." There is only "what is".

Good luck to you and your mother. I know you care for your mother but the reality is that she is the one that is responsible for accepting, you can do little but comfort and try to educate.

notmyboy said...

I think these kids have the idea that they can/should/want to use up to the last possible second before giving it up (hopefully forever).

I hope he comes home for his stuff and checks himself into sober living on his way to a life of sobriety. Stranger things have happened.

Rahime said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Annette said...

Yes, there is no "I told you so." it happens. Your a mom who loves her son and was hoping. There is no crime in that. I do feel for your mom. Counseling, will she read a book or anything? " Don't let your kids kill you" is an excellet book.

Annette said...

Sorry, I'm on my phone and posting quick... I also wanted to say how sorry I am and I'm thinking about you. (((hug)))

beachteacher said...

Thinking of you here as well. I like Annette's idea about having your mom read a book. It'd be a step in the right direction. Addict in the family is another good one. I remember reading that way back when & being somewhat horrified. However, my son later went on to do many worse things than were discussed in that book ! : (
Hang in there,...be strong & stop helping him UNLESS his behavior dramatically shows you how much HE wants recovery. So far, he's not done that. I don't know why I'm even writing this stuff, for I know you already know it. Anyway, sending a cyber hug & prayers for peace for you & surrender for him. Putting them out of the house is the hardest thing,....at least one of the hardest, along with watching their own self destruction & not being able to stop it. Keep us posted.

Maija said...

I do understand.
For me, I've finally had enough. I want my addict out of my life.
I want to be happy again.
I'm thinking of you!

lauren said...

Barbara,
I am sorry. Maybe in a while you will look back on this and see this is where his recovery started. Keep us posted.

Syd said...

I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself now and realizing that there is nothing that you can do. He has lied to you, manipulated the family and done so many things that no one need put up with. And no matter how nice you are or your mother, it comes to the same result. Right now, you are angry. I hope that you can hold the memory of this moment with the feelings of betrayal when he begins to cozy up to you again when he wants something. I remembered the horrible times just so that I would not be sucked into believing the promises of sobriety. Finally, I gave up and got myself into recovery for my sake, not hers.

Terri said...

Barbara,
I am glad you got to enjoy some calm before the current tsunami. I feel so badly for you mom. Thinking about all of you.

Dawn said...

Thinking of you -

DDD said...

Sending hugs and prayers from Michigan. You should have a heart from my wife very soon, too, if you didn't get it already. :)

Have Myelin? said...

I have that kind of mother but I quit saying "I wish I could help my mother" because there's no way to do so.

There isn't. =(

It's all about changing you, and only you. And I realize it is easier for me to say it than to do it because I've been in your shoes.

Hugs.

Anna said...

When they are exhausted and dope sick with nowhere to go they come home for awhile if you let them. They come home just long enough to regain their strength then it is right back out the door again. If you know this and choose to let him back in that is your decision. I just want to point out that this is a pattern that often occured at my house and I see it at yours.

Annette said...

Anna, I just want to say what an excellent, to the point, clear, comment. Said in love, I know, because you have been there. A very powerful observation.

Anonymous said...

Definitely, no 'I told you so" from this follower! Just love and hugs and prayers being sent to you Barbara. Consider the events of last week as just another step along your 'continuum of learning' about how to deal with/not deal with an addict/survive being the parent of an addict. Take care.
Thinking of you.
Shelley in SK

Bristolvol said...

You WILL get tired of this pattern. I promise. I don't know if it is this time or not. Life is one lesson after another. Once we get the lesson, it's on to the next one. If we don't get it, we get to repeat it. It is up to us how fast we want to learn.
Sending you good vibes.

Momma said...

Barbara, I'm thinking of you.

Jan said...

Barbara we are leading such parallel lives and while I can honestly say now exactly what you are feeling and experiencing, the only I told you so from me would be the one that confirms the cycle never changes! You tell yourself all the while hoping it isn't gonna be this time!
I love you and am constantly in prayer for you, Kev and Anthony, and for your mom!

Barbara said...

Wow, thanks everyone. No word from him but I'm doing fairly well at pushing him out of my mind when it starts to wander.

Signe said...

I wish this was all different for you (and everyone) I am sorry for your hurt and flickering hope. Praying for all of you.

Lou said...

Anna is spot on. I hope you recognize the pattern. You are further ahead than I was, we let Andrew come home and recharge for the next run for YEARS! I think Keven will get himself into trouble here pretty soon, and the law will give him a "time out". I know it's hard to accept Barbara, but for a certain kind of addict some time in jail/prison is the only thing that gets their attention. Please let the consequences of this play out without any intervention from you.

Jan, the cycle does change when the addict is ready to make the necessary changes. It happens all the time.

Mary Christine said...

I wish the parents of addicts could see that for an addict it is not a choice of the love of a family OR using. There is no choice when you are in the disease.

Anonymous said...

"I told yu so" would be a weak and utterly useless response to the situation so none of that here for SURE. You are detaching. Awesome. Healthy boundaries...keep em....for you. Now Momma. Her take on what should or should not happen going forward...that's the challenge. Everyone is correct in that you cannot change her. Look inward. Pray for divine intervention (which might come in the form of the law)and leave the rest to God I believe that God listens when parents pray. Its hard to trust this amidst the chaos. But for me, its the source of sanity. I'll pray that Momma will somehow see that loving Keven in the "normal" way is not loving him at all. Stay strong. You ARE there. Loves to all. Kris B

Kansas Bob said...

Thought of your old blog a few minutes ago when I posted a Hodgepodge of answers posed by another blog. It was kind of fun and reminded me of your Friday questions that you used to ask.

Hard to know what to do to regain yourself or your senses. Sometimes I think that the more I talked about my son's addiction the more I got sucked in. It is difficult for we who have been victimized by family addicts to find a balance in our lives.

Hoping with you for that balance (for you and me) dear friend.

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