January 23, 2012

Its Rainy and Gray - Numb and Nothing

My mood matches the weather today.  I'm on the ninth floor of an office building looking out at the gray sky and rain.

The last month has been hard, its taken a toll on me.  I'm tired of the way things are.  I don't want to be the mother of an addict anymore.  Where do I go to resign?  If it were only that simple.

I think Keven has a lot of work to do if he wants to find wholeness and healthiness, but he has no motivation to do it because he's living in our home, eating our food, living the good life.  He's not using, or he would not be there.

I keep putting off having a talk with him about his next steps, and where he's going to live and all that.  I am in avoidance/denial and being a total chicken shit because I can't take any more arguments or hassles or heartbreaks or infuriation or any type of emotional meltdown.  So I stay numb and do nothing.

You don't have to bother telling me how unhealthy and "wrong" this is, I'm aware of that.  But this is where I am today.  I don't plan on staying here, but for today it's all I can do.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

28 comments:

Sue said...

I don't know - is it really that unhealthy? It would be if you stayed there in avoidance land, but if you're collecting yourself, girding your loins, trying to drum up some energy for the next bit, whatever that is ... then sometimes we need to do that, to retreat and stuff.

It's just where you are today, that's all. I think there's always things going on underneath these days that we don't consciously realise, until a day or two later we're back in the saddle again.

Anonymous said...

Hugs,
Nancy

Barbara said...

Thanks Sue!!!! I like that. I think you're right too. Its just a temporary thing (kind of like PMS - you feel horrible but you know until it passes on its own, there's not much you can do about it).

Nancy, thank you for the hug :)

beachteacher said...

You remain in my thoughts & prayers, & Keven too of course. My husband even told me I should go see you sometime. I sure would love that. Hang tough.....better times CAN be ahead. Ya just can't see the future. Also sending a big cyber hug.

Kathy Scruton said...

Hang in there. Its just temporary and you are allowed by all means after all you have been through. Having some peace for awhile is healthy and needed to recharge.

Perhaps in a couple days the family could let him know what he needs to start paying to stay? That may cause him to move on.

But for now, just enjoy your break!

Lisa said...

Hang in there, my friend.

Erin said...

I like what Sue said. :) Love to you, friend.

Terri said...

I agree with Sue. It would be unhealthy if you planned to stay where you are. You just need to step backs sometimes just to have room to breathe a minute.

Hopefully you will see sunshine tomorrow. I know that always helps my mood this time of the year.

Hang in there. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Barbara, all southern women "take to their beds" from time to time and I suspect all women should follow suit. It is just a time for emotional rest and a time to gear up for the next battle....unfortunately there's always another in this life. Hang in there.

Syd said...

Every day can be different. I have to process the feelings and realize that tomorrow is another day to try to get things right and be strong.

Barbara said...

THANK YOU EVERYONE - THESE COMMENTS HAVE BROUGHT THE SUN OUT! Seriously, its peeking through the clouds and I feel a little better too. :)

madyson007 said...

yikes we are identical twins...who new?

Mrs F with 4 said...

I'm with Sue, too... (yay for Sue!)

Please, do be kind to yourself...

With love
Mrs F

Annette said...

I love what everyone had to say...you know what you need to do, and when the time is right you will do it. I fully believe that. Your book is on its way. :o) Take good care. Love you.

Momma said...

I agree with Sue too. Hang in there... Thinking of you

Sadie said...

I'm with Sue too...
Please, please, PLEASE be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up, and, if you must, try to do it with a smaller bat....

In regards to Keven, he's getting comfortable, and for an addict in early recovery that's a precarious place to be. My sponsor reminds me frequently that when I'm uncomfortable it is a good thing: I'm growing, changing, expanding my recovery, experiencing new feelings before numbed with layers of drugs. You ARE preparing for the challenge ahead, because you KNOW his residency with you isn't permanent and the situation will have to be addressed. WILL. As in 'maybe not right now.' We live in a time of swiftness and immediacy- Cell phones/internet/cable/email all demand speed and attention RIGHT AWAY (I can barely stand waiting for systems and pages to upload on my computer at work). It's natural to want to fix everything and know 'the plan' right away. But take care of you, and the time will come when you're ready.

Love to you. Hugs to you. Peace to you always.

Anna said...

Taking a break is sometimes necessary. It is good you realize that you need to rest. Sometimes our bodies make themselves sick when we refuse to take a break.


Take care,

Anna

Dad and Mom said...

I agree with what has been said. Some days even soldiers in war rest.

Do what you, lean on all of us and when your ready to move reach out your hand and we'll pull you to your feet to do what you are able to do.

Anonymous said...

Hi Barbara,
It's okay to just 'be' and to just try to 'breathe'. Gather yourself and your strength, as you can. Be patient. Be caring. Be loving. Be all of these things to yourself. Ask for God's guidance and help once again. You are in my prayers.
Shelley in SK
PS. I thought of this song after reading your post and wanted to send it to you. Copy and paste:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAqWQbzFXiQ
I'a hope you find 'a boat' to carry you!
Take care. I will e-mail soon.

Anonymous said...

Barbara for you to be able to have the awareness to verbalize how you are feeling, with clarity, to know what you know and say it out loud (or write it out loud) puts you straight on the path of acceptance. And what comes next? Action. And not one second before you are ready. Breathe. You're gonna make it. Sending a prayer for big ol' angels. Just for you xo Kris B

Erin said...

I think we have all been in that place I know I sure have and I would put things off too and it is okay, you are mentally drained. You will get your second wind for sure. I would exhaust myself more thinking about what I should be doing but was just to emotionally and physically drained to do. Don't torture yourself, no judgment here. Take care of yourself and get the rest you need. Praying for you and Keven every day.

Alice said...

Barbara, you were caught between a rock and a hard place when Keven was kicked out of sober living for the nightmares. That still seems bad to me, although I understand the other residents had to get up for work etc. It's understandable you have him home. I'm just glad he's not using.

I wish you could have a holiday from it!

Sue said...

I love that - "take to your bed". I've done it a few times lately, retreated with my tail between my legs because I felt like a failure for not coping ... and then got there, and felt like a child again, and stayed there looking after myself for a while reading, and then re-energised and came back out again.

It was like a revelation.

I do hope I can replicate it. I agree with Hattie, it needs to become a natural sort of a rhythm :)

Bristolvol said...

It is what it is. If you are comfortable with, enjoy it. You know it will change before long anyway. It always does. Rolling with the flow!

Maija said...

Honey, I feel you!!!
You will do what you can live with.... That's the way it is.
But.... You know that he will NEVER get better while he is with you.
Enabling is exhausting.
I kicked my son out 2 weeks ago and haven't spoken to him.
I feel free.
And that's ok.

Free yourself!!

Lu said...

I just found your blog today. I'm just tapping into this world of support. My mom is a recovery addict and my sister is in the midst of her addiction. Thanks for keeping your blog open!

notmyboy said...

You know how I feel about this. :)

You are in a much tougher position than I have ever been in. I have a partner. That can make a BIG difference. We don't always see eye to eye, but typically he is strong when I am weak. I am strong when he is weak. Sometimes we are both strong at the same time. Those times are the best for us, as well as our son. I cannot imagine how difficult this would be to go through on my own.

Today you feel weak and exhausted. Draw your strength from us.

Have Myelin? said...

You can't hurry emotions. You are dealing with a real, on-going problem. And sometimes you need to pause and take a mental health break for yourself.

It's okay to say you don't want to be a mother of an addict. It's a struggle no one wants. There are no clear-cut answers. It's confusing - this "what do I do?" now thing?

Everyone thinks they have the answers. I remember that feeling... of being surrounded by "experts" as my daughter was dying.

Anyway.... you are doing what you can.

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