Speaking of Anthony...

I get to see him next Sunday!  This will be the first time since he was incarcerated back in March.  He was transferred to a different "facility", this one in Norco.  His gf and I are going out there to for visit, I will get a hug!

I wish I could be completely happy about it but its hard to be happy when Kev is doing so poorly.  He's so depressed.  We had an incident this week and I can't even talk about it.  I feel like he's on the verge of something - either turning the corner towards a real recovery, going back to jail, or death.  Lets hope for the first one.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Anthony Update

Haven't said much about Anthony or Kelsey later - but no news is good news!  Kelsey has over 30 days clean, is still in a really great sober living/rehab house and got a great job!  She looks and sounds great and I am very proud of her.

Anthony has been writing more than ever and his letters sound so positive.  I got a six pager today and his words were very sincere and mature.  I can see a big change in him, I think he's really "getting it" this time and I have more hope for him than ever.  He said some funny things in the letter too that cracked me up which was another good sign.  He says he is THANKFUL to be in prison right now and be forced to have time to think.  He also said he feels "forgiven" by himself and that's a first.  He's always been so hard on himself.

He asked me to check out his ex gf's myspace for pics of his boy to send him.  I love this one, apparently he inherited his father's talent for music :)

P.S.  Keven is at a meeting at Phoenix House tonight, likes his new therapist and seems to be doing "okay" at the moment.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

To All The Other Parents:

I'm reading your blogs.

I care about you and your son or daughter.

I pray for each of them, it can't hurt but to be honest, it doesn't seem to help all that much either.

Because I'm working full time again my time online is limited.  But my top priority when I log onto my laptop is to check out what's happening with each of you.

It feels hopeless sometimes; like a chaotic mess that will never end.  Or sometimes it feels like the calm before the horrific hurricane (storm is too gentle of a word).  Even when nothing is happening, its always there in the back of our mind that something could happen at any minute.

Some of us are better at detaching, more experienced.  Some are still learning.  I am at the stage where I am either worrying or trying not to worry - then I have moments where I just don't care at all and wish he'd go away, then I feel guilty for thinking that.

I always thought these would be the years I struggled with getting ready to have "empty nest syndrome".  HA!  I WISH!

I want my life back.  I am taking it back little by little but until he's either stable or out of the house (or I am out of this house) it will forever be an issue.

 



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I'm Tired

Tired of wondering what will happen next.

I'm reading blogs but not commenting much.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Suprise Visit from PO

I am not used to the doorbell ringing at 11:20 pm and I should have thought twice before answering it in my pajamas!  It was Kev's PO and her partner (male).  What was I thinking?  I am embarrassed to be seen in so little clothes in front of them!  I held my dog in my arms to try and cover my self.  I wanted to leave them alone with him but walking upstairs in front of them was not an option while wearing PJ's.  UGH.

Also, my tats were showing so I guess now they know who Keven inherited his love of body art from.

But, the good news, he was here, he passed the breathalizer test.  They gave him permission to be out late Friday night.

She's not happy that he is still not stabilized on his meds after all this time.  I need to write his new doctor tomorrow and fill him in on some stuff.  HIPPA prevents the doctor from talking to me, but it can't prevent me from talking to the doctor.

She's putting a patch on him for the weekend.  I like that idea.

Next time they come over I need to remember to grab my robe.  What was I thinking?  UGH!

People Move Here Because Its A "Nice Safe Place to Raise a Family" (if you can afford it)

The area I live in is known for being relatively crime free, having good schools, snobby people,  lean, nicely groomed expensive homes....etc.  Sadly in the last few years the teens of this area become trendsetters in the use of heroin.  I knew this because I saw it firsthand as I sat in court countless times watching case after case young adults arrested for "possession of a controlled substance".

The price of methamphetamine in Orange County continues to decrease, while South County teens  appear to be moving from pharmaceutical drugs to heroin use, narcotics investigators say.

Local law enforcement cites several successes in the fight against drugs locally, including drug and cash seizures that have disrupted local distribution, but some trends are alarming officials.

A sweep for drug dealers.

In south Orange County – suburban communities with middle to upper class neighborhoods – illicit users of prescription medications are seeking lower costs and moving to highly addictive heroin, which costs about half as much as the street value of Vicodin and OxyContin.

Cocaine users looking for a cheaper high are turning to methamphetamine.

Because of its proximity to the U.S.-Mexico border, Orange and surrounding counties see a high rate of drug availability and distribution, as well as lower prices when compared to the rest of the country. Drugs often pass through this area before being distributed across the country, and drug usage in Orange County often foreshadows trends in the rest of the nation, authorities say. 

A Taste of His Own Medicine

The last few days have been pretty good.  Keven has been more talkative, has not been high and has (shock) taken care of some of his responsibilities.

Today he went to the beach with his gf and her bff.  While he was swimming they were on the beach sneaking Xanax and drinking vodka out of water bottles.  When he figured it out, it was too late - they were wasted.

He brought them here and has been "babysitting" them for three hours.  He told me all about what happened, paced around my room stressed out (in fear his PO would show up and find two wasted girls in his bedroom).

I bit my tongue and didn't say much and at one point he looked at me and said "I know....this is what I have put you through a million times, huh?"  I just said "yep."  Sometimes with him, saying little says the most.

When his gf's friend fell down our stairs I said "enough is enough call her mom!"  So he dialed her mom and forced her to talk to her.  I could here one side of the conversation so I know the mom is aware that her daughter is very high "Hi mom, I'm at Keven's.  What time is it?  We went to the beach.  I'm at.....Ummm, where am I again?  Oh yeah, I'm at Keven's.  What time is it?"

Sad.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

good sign or bad sign?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Truth Hurts - But Its the Truth

How many of you read the blog DHAM!! by Dawn?

If not, it should be required reading for all parents of heroin addicts. But be warned, she may piss you off, or, (if you are sensitive like me) hurt your feelings. I laugh as I type that because I am not the same person I was early on when my feelings got hurt by her honest comments.

Now I look at her with admiration and respect. She has earned the title of "expert" on this topic, although I am sure she wishes she weren't.

Her daughter has been using for 11 years and Dawn was just like most of us in the beginning. Her attitude is not out of harshness or lack of love, its based in reality.

When I find myself arguing (in my mind) against something she says its because I just do NOT want to accept that my son may never stop using.

I remember when he got home from jail and Phoenix House. Six months clean. I was full of hope, but fearful because I knew it would be so much easier for him to get away with it.

Then it he had 7, 8, NINE months! I was bordering on being confident, almost proud, that he had gotten this far and thought surely he would not use again after NINE WHOLE MONTHS. (I will pause here to allow for snickering from wise parents that see the naivety).

Anyhow, he used again. And again, and again. He got caught went to jail a few nights, got pushed back in his court program. Whatever. Will he use again? I am certain he will. I don't kid myself anymore. I hear the words but I don't believe them.

Same with Anthony. God I love them both so much! But Anthony has been using for four years and has been to jail too many times to count, been in the hospital for an OD, and been in the hospital ON LIFE SUPPORT after an OD. He lost his mother to drugs. He shot up his best friend with bad stuff and watched him fucking DIE. Yet, he continues to use - even from prison. He says he's done. Sigh. Words mean nothing but I want desperately to see it happen this time.

So...yes, I hope they both stop. But do I expect them to? No. Not at all. Its sad but true.

Thank you, Dawn.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Letter from Anthony

Just got the kind of letter that makes you smile hard while a tear trickles down your cheek.

The smile is because the letter was for me...it was not about him (although he mentions how well he's doing and how excited he is about this "second" chance).

He wrote because his gf has been telling him about Keven and therefore he knows how hurt I must feel, how frustrated.  He wrote a whole page telling me what a wonderful mother I am and listing all my good qualities.  It was very touching.

The teardrop was because he implied that Keven doesn't realize how blessed he is to have me as a mom, etc.  Its true.  Keven won't even talk to me these days.  Anthony lost his mom so he speaks from experience when he says sometimes you can't appreciate something till you no longer have it...

I hope Anth continues to do well.  I felt the love in that letter.  I needed it.  I hate to say this, but I feel so much more love from him than I do from Keven.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Letting Go

My good friend, Gary, had this on his blog the other day.  Maybe some of you have seen it already.  Its a great definition letting go:






To "let go" . . . .

does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.

is not to enable, but to allow another to learn from natural consequences.

is to acknowledge that life is full of variables that are beyond my control.

is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

is to stop assuming your potential response to my words or actions.

is not to take responsibility for others' feelings, but for my own.

is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.

is not to care for, it's to care about.

is not to fix, but to be supportive.

is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.

is not to deny, but to accept.

is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

is not adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what i dream I can be.

is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

is to fear less and love more.

A Hurting Grandmother

This sort of goes along with the dialog that's been happening in my comments.

Anthony's grandmother called the other night because she discovered some suspicious items in her home.  Ant's younger brother (not a drug user up to this point) lives with her.  She's been finding black smudges around her house, a piece of foil stuck in a book, and a cut in half straw.

I asked if there was a black line on the foil.  She said yes.  I gave the low-down on all the ugly facts of what it looks like, how its used, etc.

She cried out "I am the worst parent in the world, I've ruined these boys, they are both using heroin, their mother (her daughter) died of drugs, I am horrible...."

I promised her it was not her.  And I know she didn't believe me.

I Know You're Out There - We Need Each Other

I've often "felt" the thoughts and prayers of the people who read here. I was just at Ron's blog and read one word "speedballing" and literally my stomach feels like someone kicked me.

The first time I learned about speedballing was while standing in the principal's office of Keven's school with a cop listening to my high son tell me what he'd been up to the last few months...(Dec. 19, 2008 at 12:45 pm - a moment frozen in time for me).

If you don't know what it is, one word: DANGEROUS. Its injecting heroin and cocaine together in same syringe.

Also at this moment, I feel a connection with all of you. I know I am not the only parent sitting here with a tear in her eye, a fear in her heart, a pain in her stomach, crying out "please HELP Alex!"

My greatest fears in life are losing my son or finding out one of your loved ones ... I can't even say it. Damn it to hell. I am so pissed off right now.

This is not what I intended to write tonight. I just had to get it out.

HOW DO WE PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING TO OTHER FAMILIES?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

It Seems Contradictory

What happens when someone says "Don't think of a yellow submarine"?  You usually think of a yellow submarine (perhaps even this one!)

There are basic "tools" you learn to survive the turmoil and heartbreak having a child addicted to heroin.  We all know them.  One of them is to distance yourself emotionally for your own self preservation.  I get this, and its one of the most valuable of the tools.

But...

It seems like when something is up I am either obsessed with worry or obsessed with telling myself to "let go".  Either way the focus is on him and I am miserable.  Its like trying not to think of a yellow submarine.

I understand why many parents do better when their addict is not living in the home.  Out of site...not out of mind, but at least not constantly aware of every mood, action, etc.

Tonight he had a fight with the gf.  This is normal for teen couples.  But for him and her - it could mean so much more than just an argument.  You know what I'm saying.

So I am spending the evening telling myself not to worry, forcing worry from my mind every five seconds and having knots in my stomach even though I am "not worrying" because I have "let go".

Thanks for listening.

Special thoughts going out tonight to all of you who are having an exceptionally difficult time.





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Quick Update

Keven has been calm and nice all weekend.  He is still driving my car and asked if he could use his to take his gf on a date to the movies ("Eclipse"), I said yes.  He knows he has to give it back to me.

Unfortunately he went to see Kelsey today and was late because I gave him the WRONG directions (I am so mad at myself for this, she really needed him today and I think he needed her.  I wanted them to have time together).  But the Rehab House she is in is very strict.  They would not let him in because he was late for the NA meeting.  He said he has never been turned away from an NA meeting before and he was bummed about that and about not seeing Kels.

I am mad because I have a bad habit of getting lost - and apparently I am capable of getting other people lost too :(

Tomorrow he has an appointment with another new psychiatrist, I am hoping this is the "right" one for him!  PLEASE!!!!

On a personal note...

I am tired but good.  I get worn out so easy some days.  I can do like two things a day and then I am done.  Today I did three things and have one more to do and am wondering where I will find the energy.  It kind of irritates me that I am eating so well, exercising, etc. etc. but still have no more stamina than before.  Its not fair.  Isn't weight loss etc suppose to make a difference in energy level????  I guess I am in denial about that too....I have fibromyalgia but tell myself I don't really have it and if I can just get in shape my life will be great.  I want to believe that.  I am working so hard.  So far I have lost 13 pounds.  My goal is two pounds a week until I reach my ideal weight - and I will recognize it when I get there, not sure what it is.  Those stupid weight charts tell me I am suppose to weigh what I weighed in HIGH SCHOOL.  I think not.

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I've listened to this speech many times, and it never gets old. Nikki has maintained his recovery for many years (9 so far).

Nikki is awesome. If I had not read his book, "The Heroin Diaries" (which I read only because I love Nik) I would have been so much less prepared for what would happen with my own son. I had no idea as I read of the evils of heroin that Keven would one day pick up a needle.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

So Much for My Peacefull Weekend...

Got a call at 5:30 a.m., they let him out. Ugh. Went and got him. I admit its a disappointment to me and it slightly disturbs me how much I was looking forward to not having him around for a few days. I should have left him there to find another way home. He's in a bad mood and didn't even thank me. I'm hurt and mad.

UPDATE: Minutes after I wrote this, he texted me to say he was sorry and that he loved me. He feels like "everything" is stressful right now.

Thank you all for your comments.....I am going to try and relax this weekend and enjoy it. I have no plans other than going to the library - and I think my dog will be taking me for a walk or two :)

Three Day Stay at the Hotel OCJ !

Keven will be enjoying the next three days, meals included, in the luxurious OC Jail.

He'll be supplied with a cute gold jumpsuit, gray (formerly white) socks and orange shoes, all of which are monogrammed "OCJ" in black Sharpie.

During the day there will time for socializing and communing with others - sharing stories and toilets - a bonding experience.

Meals are served in a large dining room and prepared by experienced cooks.

There's a lovely view - if you like looking at other men in cages wearing gold jumpsuits.

There will be multi-cultural experiences learning about various gangs groups. He will be able to brush up on his Spanish and ASL (American Sign Language). He is sure to be a minority among his peers as well as one of the youngest guests there, which can prove to be intimidating interesting.

One hour a day is spent outside in the glorious fresh air, on top of a ten story building that has a lovely view of several gray concrete buildings.

The best part of this three day get-away is the time provided for reflection and meditation.

I wish him the best and hope that he returns refreshed and motivated with a new outlook on life.

In seriousness - I DO think this is positive. The court he is involved with is called "Opportunity Court" and they strive to help people - not just punish them. Keven deserved this and is lucky to be part of such an excellent program. If you've read here for long you've probably seen my posts bragging about all the positive things the judge has said about Keven in the past. Now he has disappointed her AND pissed her off, but she still wants what's best for him, that's why she let him out yesterday to attend a class!

He's Home Today - Back Tomorrow

Just returned from picking him up at the OC Jail.

Here is what went down:

He went to court yesterday, all was fine and dandy, he was even promoted to the next level of the program, Phase Three. After court his PO had all her people take a drug test since they had missed Monday due to the holiday (wise move on her part).

He tested dirty after standing up in front of the judge saying he was clean.

His punishment was two nights in jail and being sent all the way back to the beginning of Phase Two (this means he will be in the program for another 6 months, which I think is wonderful).

Last night he spent the night in jail but they allowed him out today because one of his college classes starts today and they didn't want him to miss it. Tomorrow I take him back up there and he spends another night and then I pick him up again on Friday morning.

He didn't even blink an eye when I took away his car keys, he usually puts up a fight.

The first words when he got in the car were (and I know - these are only words) "I am done with drugs I am never doing them again. I met so many old men in their that were gross and worn out that all said the same thing to me "I was JUST LIKE YOU when I started out". He's heard that before, but I feel a little hopeful.

We need to get him a new doctor and a therapist.

UPDATE: Just talked to his PO she asked me if he was keeping his curfew, I said "no" and so she's making him stay in jail all weekend. She told him if he misses curfew one more time she will make him stay in jail all summer.

I'm tired. So tired. Need to go to work now....

Thanks for caring about us.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Guess Who's In Jail...

I'll give you three guesses but I think you'll get it on the first try.

Yep!  Keven.

On my way to pick up his car in Santa Ana, they took him right from the courtroom for a dirty test last week.  I guess he didn't even wait for the 3 day weekend.

Whatever.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Empty

I feel so dead inside.


I know I am not suppose to feel like this, but today I do.


Its gray outside.


My heart feels gray.


For the nine months that he was not using, I never once allowed myself to think "this is it, he's done".  If I felt a sense of pride in how well he was doing I would immediately squash the thought and remind myself that he could pick up a needle at any time.  So why am I so devastated that he did?


Maybe because I saw the positive changes and felt HOPE for his future.


He's going to court today.  I am not going with him even though it used to be one of my favorite things to do - to see with my own eyes all the success stories.  To hear the judge tell Keven how well he was doing, etc.  


Now I would sit in shame hiding a secret.  Judge Lindley would see it in my eyes.  I would want her to see it.  I want her to know.  But on the other hand, I think my absence also speaks to the situation.  I think I have missed one court date since last August and he goes twice a month.  


I am angry and hurt and worried.  Yes, I am taking care of myself in the midst of it, but I am also feeling empty.  Keven is not in there.  The addict is back.  The ugly, selfish, sick addict.  


He can't use again until Labor Day (the next three day weekend) unless he wants he wants to risk getting caught on a drug test.  We'll see if he can wait that long.  We'll see how deep into it he is again.  And if he can plan his drug binges for every few months then why can't he plan NOT to have any?


Sorry.  I just needed to vent this morning.  

Finding a Good Rehab

This may be helpful info, it talks about a new site designed to help find a good rehab and avoid the sales pitch you often get by searching for one online:

The perils of online rehab finders.

CALL NOW FOR HELP, say the sites designed to assist people in locating addiction treatment services in their area. But when you call that 800 number to speak to a “rehab counselor,” chances are you end up getting a sales pitch for a specific for-profit chain of rehab centers, rather than an objective survey of all available resources and how they might fit your personal needs.

Perhaps it’s not surprising that the simple act of reaching out for help, for pertinent resources, is sometimes perilous online. Everybody’s got something to sell, it seems. Few sites offer objective information in detail, without special pleading of one sort or another.  Even Scientology, working under the alias of Narconon, has its own rehab register, featuring the 120 drug and alcohol centers operated according to the principles of that well-known expert on drug and alcohol problems, L. Ron Hubbard.

One workaround is to stick with government sources. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) has a decent one HERE.  But even government rehab finding pages are one-size-fits-all affairs, and sometimes suffer from a lack of regular updating.

Recently, the All About Addiction (A3)  website has rolled out a new rehab finder with some nice features that should go a long way toward filling the gap. Adi Jaffe, the site’s director and the motivating force behind the creation of the new rehab finder, is working on his PhD in Psychology at UCLA.  Jaffe’s original idea for a call center gradually morphed into a plan for an online tool. In an interview with Addiction Inbox, Jaffe expanded on the rationale for putting together a rehab finder he believes addresses some of the shortcomings found on other sites:

 “I decided to put together the rehab finder because I thought it was sad that with all the technology we have, the best way to find treatment was either to do a general Google search (cue paid ads by providers that charge a lot and can therefore pay for advertising) that results in lists upon lists of providers, or go the SAMHSA treatment locator, which only searches by location,” Jaffe explained in an email exchange. “I thought we could do better. I believe that if we can make it easier for people to find the right treatment we will increase enrollment in treatment because people will find treatment they can afford, and improve treatment outcomes because the treatment-client fit will improve.”

A further refinement is represented by a 20-question survey.  Questions about gender, employment status, health insurance, and mental health are designed to narrow the field of pertinent recommendations. Detailed questions about drug use, including amount spent per month, are also included. What the new rehab finder does NOT ask for is your name, your phone number, or your e-mail address, as other such sites commonly do. So there is no danger of follow-up sales calls or spam.

“For the most part, we don’t match people based on the treatment approach (CBT, MI, 12 step, or others), that’s been tried and failed – there seems to be little difference and we don’t know how to match there yet,” Jaffe said. “What we do is match on gender, age, insurance, mental health status, specific addiction specialty, and other factors like the need for detox, or specific treatments for specific drugs (like buprenorphine for heroin).”

Jaffe is now seeking funds for a study of the new finder’s effectiveness.  “I’d like to set up a few different versions (including a location-only search like SAMHSA’s) and see if our version works better,” he said. “It also lends itself to constant improvement based on the actual results obtained.”

As the A3 site says: Rehab is hard. Finding it shouldn’t be.

Source:  Dirk Hanson

I Know He's Using

Denial is like a whisper in your ear "listen to me, your life will be easier, you won't have to deal with the ugliness, its so much less complicated..."

I know that voice, I recognize it now for what it is. Its one of the insidious ingredients that makes up the life of dealing with an addicted loved one.

For me personally, its the most powerful element. I have learned to handle guilt and worry. I am much better at dealing with enabling. But that damn denial can still get to me.

Maybe its because I didn't have to deal with denial for such a long time - - - almost a year. There was nothing to deny. He really was not using.

But all that changed on Memorial Day weekend. Once he tasted it again he's never been the same. I never quite knew what was going on with him. Was it his cocktail of psych meds that were making him look and act that way? Or ......

The last few days he has not shaved. I honestly don't know if he's showered. His hair is a mess. These may not be red flags for every parent, but for Mr. "I Must Be Well Groomed and Fashionably Dressed at All Times" its a huge clue.

Also the look in his eye. The glazed over look combined with being extra polite so we would not be suspicious.

Last night he had the audacity to ask me if I would take him and his gf shooting at the target range today. SHOOTING? No way! We were avid shooters at one time, until he started using drugs. We picked up the sport when he was just 11 and stopped when he was 16. He was good. Better than some people three or four times his age. He loved it. But shooting is not a sport for felon or a drug addict or a mentally ill person.

So once again I am sitting here wondering what do I do. I KNOW he's using something. Not even sure what. It doesn't matter what.

Oh, and Kelsey called this morning to thank me again for the visit yesterday and she said "Keven won't answer when I call or call me back, and I don't trust his girlfriend at all, she has something to do with whatever he's up to but I can't say more than that".

I hate who he is at this moment.

How ironic that just five days ago he graduated and everyone was so proud of him.

I learned from last time that its not my place to call his PO....but I want him to get caught. I don't even care if he goes back to jail. I really don't.

I just needed to vent about this. He makes me so mad. I have compassion for addicts that are trying so hard not to use - - - but he had nine frigging months and was on meds to help him and I have spend thousands of dollars on "help" for him.

Doesn't his gf's mother see what's going on? Lauren is only 17, she still has control over her life. She should do something now.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update on Anthony and Kelsey plus another item for the "DOH!" file

Anthony has been writing me a lot since he was put back in a two-man cell for 23 hours a day.  His letters are always positive, honest and grateful.

He also wrote Keven and since the letter was in the same envelope as mine I read it.  He told him how HUGE he's getting from working out all the time (he has the body type that puts on muscle just by looking at a barbell, and Keven has been working out at the gym for months and still isn't all that defined....)

He told Keven that if he's using they can't be friends cause he's "done'.  Well, I've heard this before and I will believe it when I see it.  I hope its true.

He says he's NOT going to do dope in prison anymore, his "clean date" is June 11.  It still burns me up that heroin is so readily available in there!

I surprised Kelsey today by stopping by her rehab for a quick visit.  I brought her some letters from Anthony and a pack of cigs.  She looked really good and was her usual hyper talkative self.  I got a great hug, she's such a thin girl, but she looked healthy thin not druggie thin (big difference).

In other news - my son used my credit card to buy clothes, food and get a piercing.  I gave him my credit card months ago to use for GAS only.  He used it for gas only.  I was so proud of him.

But then I had to have a new card issued and decided to get his name on it in case he ever needed it in an emergency (how stupid of me, it was like handing him a wad of cash and saying "don 't spend it).

Here I am thinking he was being responsible with my credit card but really he was only fearful of using it because it had my name on it.  The second he could get away with using if for other items he did.

Needless to say he no longer has the card, in fact I closed the account.

Another lesson learned the hard way by me.  DOH!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Don't Like Three Day Weekends

On Memorial Day weekend Keven used, losing his 9 months of sobriety.  His reason:  he did it because he knew he could get away with it since the probation office would be closed Monday which meant he had an entire week to get drugs out of his system if he used on a Thursday.

Its hard for me to comprehend how he could go for 9 months doing the right thing then JUMP at the first chance he got to shoot up heroin.  But he did.

Now its another three day weekend and earlier today he was with his "friend" Jon, the guy he first used heroin with a few years ago.

Part of me just doesn't care anymore.  Let him fail, let him fall on his face and lose it all.  I was so happy with him Tuesday but today I am disappointed in him for some of his choices.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara