I Know He's Using

Denial is like a whisper in your ear "listen to me, your life will be easier, you won't have to deal with the ugliness, its so much less complicated..."

I know that voice, I recognize it now for what it is. Its one of the insidious ingredients that makes up the life of dealing with an addicted loved one.

For me personally, its the most powerful element. I have learned to handle guilt and worry. I am much better at dealing with enabling. But that damn denial can still get to me.

Maybe its because I didn't have to deal with denial for such a long time - - - almost a year. There was nothing to deny. He really was not using.

But all that changed on Memorial Day weekend. Once he tasted it again he's never been the same. I never quite knew what was going on with him. Was it his cocktail of psych meds that were making him look and act that way? Or ......

The last few days he has not shaved. I honestly don't know if he's showered. His hair is a mess. These may not be red flags for every parent, but for Mr. "I Must Be Well Groomed and Fashionably Dressed at All Times" its a huge clue.

Also the look in his eye. The glazed over look combined with being extra polite so we would not be suspicious.

Last night he had the audacity to ask me if I would take him and his gf shooting at the target range today. SHOOTING? No way! We were avid shooters at one time, until he started using drugs. We picked up the sport when he was just 11 and stopped when he was 16. He was good. Better than some people three or four times his age. He loved it. But shooting is not a sport for felon or a drug addict or a mentally ill person.

So once again I am sitting here wondering what do I do. I KNOW he's using something. Not even sure what. It doesn't matter what.

Oh, and Kelsey called this morning to thank me again for the visit yesterday and she said "Keven won't answer when I call or call me back, and I don't trust his girlfriend at all, she has something to do with whatever he's up to but I can't say more than that".

I hate who he is at this moment.

How ironic that just five days ago he graduated and everyone was so proud of him.

I learned from last time that its not my place to call his PO....but I want him to get caught. I don't even care if he goes back to jail. I really don't.

I just needed to vent about this. He makes me so mad. I have compassion for addicts that are trying so hard not to use - - - but he had nine frigging months and was on meds to help him and I have spend thousands of dollars on "help" for him.

Doesn't his gf's mother see what's going on? Lauren is only 17, she still has control over her life. She should do something now.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara