On Memorial Day weekend Keven used, losing his 9 months of sobriety. His reason: he did it because he knew he could get away with it since the probation office would be closed Monday which meant he had an entire week to get drugs out of his system if he used on a Thursday.
Its hard for me to comprehend how he could go for 9 months doing the right thing then JUMP at the first chance he got to shoot up heroin. But he did.
Now its another three day weekend and earlier today he was with his "friend" Jon, the guy he first used heroin with a few years ago.
Part of me just doesn't care anymore. Let him fail, let him fall on his face and lose it all. I was so happy with him Tuesday but today I am disappointed in him for some of his choices.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
6 comments:
boy oh boy,...can I RELATE to this post Barbara. :( I too don't like 3 day weekends....one year ago tonight, we had a police incident involving our son getting into a fight w/an adult that beat the crap out of him...a 51 yr. old male...and it was the one thing that he wasn't guilty of (the guy punched him and kept punching him) but our son was convicted of it. The judge couldn't believe our son would walk across the lawn and say what he said...more to it, but not worth going into it all. Anyway...our son has also had recent sobriety (not as much as Keven) and just recently lost it. He's now "in between" 2 Oxford houses, and this week has been hanging out w/old "friends",..not a good choice. Today I have felt that I just have to stop caring as much as I have...can't go thru this tortuous experience anymore. He has a potential felony to go to court for on July 27th...and if he doesn't test clean...he's screwed. YET, his choices are so terrible. It's all just so exhausting.
Lori
One of the things that helps me is to take a negative emotion and bring it toward the middle.
Keven has made great progress with his recovery by completing Phoenix House long term residential treatment, maintaining sobriety for 9 months, and pursuing treatment for his mental health even though it has meant a lot of medication trial and error.
Of course you are going to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, numb, angry, sad and more from time to time. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to get past the emotion a little bit, and then try to bring your thoughts back into moderation.
The reality is that even if Keven continues to experience symptoms of his addiction like periods of opiate use, all will not be lost. I'm not trying to minimize what he may suffer in the process(and you too). But he will have a chance to re-stabilize his recovery again, and he won't be starting from scratch.
You are probably right about this being a high risk weekend for him. But it sounds like his last relapse was limited...he didn't just keep using. That is a good sign. Hopefully he won't relapse again this weekend, but if he does it doesn't mean all is lost.
I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that you work to reject crisis of the moment thinking/feeling and cultivate long term recovery thinking/feeling.
His recovery and your thought patterns have to be durable for the long term...see what I mean? You have to decide not to let the bumps and glitches knock the wind out of your sails --at least not for long.
Hope this made at least a little sense.
Wishing you the best.
Maybe it is not all bad to step back and let Keven take a hit. You will not be able to stand between him and everything forever. What Tom at Recovery Helpdesk said is so instructive but difficult to do - moderate your worry, fear and anger. Keven did relapse once and quickly regained sobriety. If there are no consequences to this behavior, he might feel that he can get away with doing it again and again.
I also liked what Tom said about thinking long term rather than waiting (like we all do) for the other shoe to drop. That will take some work, but it is worth trying.
I hope that Keven doesn't use this weekend. For his sake, but yours too. You are wiped out by the recent roller coaster ride. YOU need a long enough break to really recover.
xx kris
I sometimes think we live parallel lives. Hate holiday weekends now....to easy to feel the worry.
Barbara, it is good not to project either. If he does use, there is nothing that you did to cause it. It is his doing. Take care of yourself.
Oh I'm so sorry, the addict's mind can not be understood. Our disease is always trying to trick us back into active addiction. Keep praying, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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