Empty

I feel so dead inside.


I know I am not suppose to feel like this, but today I do.


Its gray outside.


My heart feels gray.


For the nine months that he was not using, I never once allowed myself to think "this is it, he's done".  If I felt a sense of pride in how well he was doing I would immediately squash the thought and remind myself that he could pick up a needle at any time.  So why am I so devastated that he did?


Maybe because I saw the positive changes and felt HOPE for his future.


He's going to court today.  I am not going with him even though it used to be one of my favorite things to do - to see with my own eyes all the success stories.  To hear the judge tell Keven how well he was doing, etc.  


Now I would sit in shame hiding a secret.  Judge Lindley would see it in my eyes.  I would want her to see it.  I want her to know.  But on the other hand, I think my absence also speaks to the situation.  I think I have missed one court date since last August and he goes twice a month.  


I am angry and hurt and worried.  Yes, I am taking care of myself in the midst of it, but I am also feeling empty.  Keven is not in there.  The addict is back.  The ugly, selfish, sick addict.  


He can't use again until Labor Day (the next three day weekend) unless he wants he wants to risk getting caught on a drug test.  We'll see if he can wait that long.  We'll see how deep into it he is again.  And if he can plan his drug binges for every few months then why can't he plan NOT to have any?


Sorry.  I just needed to vent this morning.