Keven has been calm and nice all weekend. He is still driving my car and asked if he could use his to take his gf on a date to the movies ("Eclipse"), I said yes. He knows he has to give it back to me.
Unfortunately he went to see Kelsey today and was late because I gave him the WRONG directions (I am so mad at myself for this, she really needed him today and I think he needed her. I wanted them to have time together). But the Rehab House she is in is very strict. They would not let him in because he was late for the NA meeting. He said he has never been turned away from an NA meeting before and he was bummed about that and about not seeing Kels.
I am mad because I have a bad habit of getting lost - and apparently I am capable of getting other people lost too :(
Tomorrow he has an appointment with another new psychiatrist, I am hoping this is the "right" one for him! PLEASE!!!!
On a personal note...
I am tired but good. I get worn out so easy some days. I can do like two things a day and then I am done. Today I did three things and have one more to do and am wondering where I will find the energy. It kind of irritates me that I am eating so well, exercising, etc. etc. but still have no more stamina than before. Its not fair. Isn't weight loss etc suppose to make a difference in energy level???? I guess I am in denial about that too....I have fibromyalgia but tell myself I don't really have it and if I can just get in shape my life will be great. I want to believe that. I am working so hard. So far I have lost 13 pounds. My goal is two pounds a week until I reach my ideal weight - and I will recognize it when I get there, not sure what it is. Those stupid weight charts tell me I am suppose to weigh what I weighed in HIGH SCHOOL. I think not.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
11 comments:
You continue to amaze me...such a big heart for Keven and his efforts. And as far as "weight" goes, it is a number...nothing more. You will start to feel better (can't say that it will change the fibromyalgia) regardless of what number is on the scale; and that's when you will know you are taking great care of yourself physically.
Don't beat yourself up. Stress makes me feel really tired. Still sounds as if the stress hasn't abated much. Take care.
I agree with Syd...it sounds as if you are too hard on yourself... everyone makes mistakes! Congratulations on the weight loss - that's a big accomplishment!
Lisa, I am amazed that I amaze anyone :) Thank you, I appreciate it.
Kristin, you got it - its a tricky balance and I HOPE that eventually he can be off the meds. He does need someone to talk to, I know some of the darkness he's carrying around and its not healthy to keep it to himself. As for the non-grouchy, I am thankful for that. I can only take so much and that would have been "it" this weekend!
Syd and Sherry,
I'm over it. I just made a very careless error and he spent an hour lost, all my fault, and he left half hour early just so he'd be sure to be on time! Kelsey and Keven are like brother and sister and I think they needed some time together.
When I was counselling, the clients whom utilized the meds while going through therapy and treatment for the substance abuse ---- all done at the same time --- had the best success.
This was also true for myself. Treating the addiction and the mental health pieces together finally gave me the leg up I needed to get grounded in my recovery.
I also had that gift of desperation thrown in, but I still think that I would not have been able to act on it had I not been treating all my problems concurently.
Barbara - - - I think that dealing with an addict, whether active or in recovery, is so emotionally draining that it's natural to feel exhausted all the time. I know that personally, I'm always thinking about the 'what ifs', planning ahead, following up with legal issues, paper work, sending packages and encouraging letters off to Hayley in treatment,etc. It's all quite demanding, and can easily fill up my hours in a day. I've read in AlAnon literature somewhere, that everything I'm doing for my addict (and that I think is absolutely necessary), distracts me from thinking about/doing my own personal work. Hmmm - something to consider. I'm glad that Keven seems to still be on his own recovery path (with a few detours), and that his attitude still seems quite upbeat. Keep shopping around for a psychiatrist that you all have some kind of chemistry with. It will happen. Peggy
Being emotionally drained is exhausting. You are doing all the right things....congratulations on the weight loss!
I find you amazing too!!! It's evident to me what a "giver" you are...with Kevin, Anthony, their girlfriends, each & every person in your blogger family and Lord only knows who else! Congrats on the weight loss, that's GREAT!! I believe that in time you will start feeling more of the fruits of your labors!!
" tired but good" - I can realate to that. Kudos on the weight loss.
I am glad you let go (above comment) blaming yourself for K getting lost by your directions. God is in charge and even though you thought K should see Kelsey, it apparently wasn't in the plan. Hate to say it, but since you weren't actually in the car... it may have not been your directions at all.
Stress EXHAUSTS me, and you have had more than your share! It saps you mentally and physically, and even if you are "ignoring" the fibromyalgia, it too can be taking your energy covering the pain.
You are doing awesome - 13 lbs - wow! Great going!!! ESPECIALLY with all the stress you've been handling...
Love & hugs to you! Thanks for the update on K.
13 pounds is great!! Keep up the good work girl! I know how hard it is to get past the exhaustion and I don't have any easy answers for you either :(
Still praying for strength, peace, and recovery for you all
Carolyn
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