I was very happy this morning (if you want to know why you can check my other blog, too hard to explain here).
Then when I got home Keven was having a hard day. He went to probation today as (he goes every Mon. and Thurs.) and they were all told that there would be no probation on Monday due to Memorial Day.
Because of this "everyone" was offering him drugs since suddenly they had an entire WEEK before the next drug test and "they" offered him whatever he wanted. One guy said he had a rig and heroin waiting at home.
Keven was tempted to the point that he was sick, literally. He told me how much he loved the high. He described it in detail.
I said "but is a 30 second high worth losing everything over?"
He said "yes, its that good." He reminded me that people who have 20 years or more sometimes relapse. He feels like he will never win this battle.
He's also upset that he has not been diagnosed and therefore has not been helped. He feels like he will never be normal nor be in control of his impulses, horrible thoughts and the feelings of paranoia.
He still feels that something "bad" is going to happen but he's not sure if he will be doing something or if it will be done to him.
It feels like things go forward one step and then backwards two. I feel helpless. I don't know what to do. Some doctor must be able to correctly diagnose him.
:(
P.S. On a positive note: he is super close to getting his high school diploma.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
7 comments:
Come hold my hand because I feel exactly the same desperation right now...
Relapse hurts. Relapse Happens. God bless his continued success and recovery and hope he gets that diploma! Love the successes and encourage the 'get back ups!" Prayers!
I love what Tom said...and he's right on! On a side note, Jake has been in a place when in recovery where he would tell me that he was a having a desire to use. In treatment he wad told that it's important to voice that need when it would arise because it lost it's power by him doing so. Addicts are more likely to use when they keep that stuff inside because relapse begins in the mind with thoughts. So, good for Kevin that he spoke to you about it and choose not to act on it. Keeping you both in my prayers!
Kristi
As scary as it is for you to hear this from him, he worked through that temptation and craving and that is just HUGE!! He is working so hard, you must just be so proud and I hope he gets to a place where he is super proud of himself. He is recognizing the temptations as they come up, talking about his mental illness openly and is still clean. I know you are afraid, but this actually was kind of a positive post once I read it. He has traveled so far in his recovery Barbara, so far. It is hard to watch them suffer and struggle, but it is what is helping him to grow. Much love sweetie.
I am happy to hear that Keven has been able to almost complete his credits for a diploma. That is huge and under the circumstances more so. Sorry to hear he is still struggling so hard. I hope in time his life will be so full that he won't struggle as much. It is a long road for both of you.
I also think it's great that Keven has almost finished his HS credits and will get a diploma. I wish him and you the best this weekend. Can he hit some meetings and get support with NA or even AA?
He resisted! It wasn't easy. In fact, it made him sick, BUT he didn't give in. I think that is a HUGE victory. Relapse is scary because it is always right at your fingertips. Always so close. One-on-one work with a counselor might help him see that each time he abstains, he wins. Something about his life gets better. I suspect that is hard for him to see from his perspective.
It might not be so easy to diagnose Keven's mental illness. Dual-diagnoses are difficult. Whenever there is addiction present, the mental health issues get clouded. Unfortunately, the treatment also gets more complicated. SSRI's combined with some brain chemistry cause manic episodes. Sometimes, as you have read on my blog, doctors just try stuff out. The trial and error method.
Concentrate on the tangible; Keven might feel better with the GED in his pocket. A concrete, visible accomplishment is a boost in self-esteem.
I am running out of time and have to read your other blog!
xx kris
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