The last two weeks have been exceptionally tumultuous. The calm moments are few and far between so its hard to really enjoy them because I know another upset is always right around the corner. Within one day I can watch him go through several mood changes, almost before my eyes. Its unnerving.
I am still happy about yesterday but today he pierced his face. His cheek, under his eye. Its not the first time he's done what I call self mutilation and he calls body piercing. And I'm not talking about the "normal" piercings he's had those (tongue, snakebites, HUGE plugs). He had two metal studs embedded in his arm at one point. Then he had metal bars going up his other arm. It was hideous and became infected and he has scars. Now his face is pierced. His handsome face. His friend did it right here in his bedroom.
I know it seems minor compared to a lot of other things he's done, but to me its a bad sign that he's again looking for ways to FEEL something and to stand out as different and to prove something....what I don't know.
Today I am scared again. Nervous. I want to crawl in bed and never get out. I'm having a hard time doing anything.
I feel like I need to be alert and on guard every minute of every day waiting and watching for the enemy to show his face but then not knowing how to fight the battle once he arrives. We see the new doctor tomorrow. I hope he knows something the other one didn't.
Sorry to be such a downer, but I need to write what I am feeling or there's no point in having this blog. I know these days will happen, I just didn't think they'd happen so damn frequently.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
7 comments:
Anna, thanks. I needed that. I find it so difficult these days but you're absolutely right.
Barbara, I agree with Anna that trying to be on alert for what he is thinking is such a waste of your energy. I don't think anything you do will chain the outcome so you may as well take care of yourself. You cannot control him or his illness.
I'm glad he's seeing a new doctor, when you're dealing with meds, I think it's good to get a second opinion if you're not sure they're having the intended effect.
I don't know much about piercings etc, but rather than pain/feeling, could it be a way for him to express himself and get out his feelings?
Take care of you :) I have a feeling at some point in the future the face piercing will take care of itself. Just a thought...
Love & hugs! And I'm still excited about the Mom tattoo, and knowledge that he isn't using :)
God bless.
THANK YOU EVERYONE. AS ALWAYS IT HELPS ME SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! I felt better after writing this and need constant reminders that I need to let go of my worry which will do nothing....
thanks
Hello Barbara,
I have been following your blog and comments for a while now. I love your writing style.
I sympathise with your latest post so much. The smallest thing can trigger us off. Self mutilation, a throw away comment, we are never far off from feeling the fear again.
Yesterday you were on a downer, Yesterday I felt okay...thes rollercoaster of addiction and mental health is in full swing but at least we have each other to lean on.
All the best,
Nora
Works Aside
Hi Barbara, you are always in my thoughts when I go into blog world. It's great he is seeing a new doctor. Maybe this will help him settle a bit. I don't think the piercing is a big deal. I think it's a sign of inner expression and can often help someone get closer to themselves. I hope you are finding something for yourself to care for yourself. Self care is so important in situations such as these, and you've got your life to live too. John Lennon once said. "life is what happens while your busy making other plans". I know it's hard watching someone you love so much struggle, just try to take the time out to be kind to yourself so you have the strength to do things that you need to do for yourself. All the best to you both.
we must be on parallel planes!Thinking of you!
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