May 28, 2010

Waiting for an explanation....


He came home and (are you sitting down?) gave the $60 back and apologized.  I honestly don't know if he was high or not.  His pupils were slightly constricted and his girlfriends were slightly in other words that was no help.  They just left to go to a 10 pm NA mtg. and sure enough there is one where they said it would be (I checked).

10:00 PM LAVA LAMP, 929 Calle Negocio, Ste H @ Calle Amanecer

He then proceeded to tell me that he took the money for the same reason he broke the glass yesterday.  We have been seeking help for him since January (with the mental illness aspect of things) and no one can help him. He's getting worse.  He says he feels like he's living the life of an addict without getting high and he feels like he's not inside his own body but he's watching himself live from a distance.  This scares the shit out of me and I am at the point where I feel desperate to get him help but have no idea where to turn since he's already seeing two psychiatrists.  I can't force him into the hospital unless he's a danger to himself or others.  I don't know what to do.

Got a text from my sister on my way home from work today.

Kev had taken money out of her wallet.

Why does an addict steal money?

I called him, he said "don't worry, I'm not doing anything, I know we have to talk about this when I get home, I have an explanation".

There is no excuse, absolutely none, for stealing.  Of course my stomach has been in knots and I have been fighting back tears because I am not stupid.

Yet, part of me wants to believe there is a reason (not an excuse but a reason) he took the money.  Part of me still believes that he would not lose his 9 months of sobriety.

I don't think this way because I think my son is "strong" or incapable or anything like that - its because of his extreme paranoia and obsession of getting caught.  His fears and anxiety have been the main motivators in his sobriety.  I know that.  He admits that.  We all agree on that.

So if he gets high its because he knows he has one week till his next drug test.  That just kills me.  His sobriety is not what's vaulabel to him - its not getting caught.  And since Monday is a holiday, he can get away with it.

I'll report back after we have our talk.  If I had an extra $25  I'd run down the street and buy a drug test.

In the words of Lennon and McCartney:

Obla-di, obla-da, life goes on, la la la la life goes on.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


SilverNeurotic said...

I really hope that Keven did have a reason for taking the money that is not drug related. I am really praying for the best.

Bristolvol said...

Barbara, I am so sorry, but try to not get sucked into lies. Realizing that you have been had is not pleasant. If he has used, then it's his decision. You cannot be paranoid over this forever. You can't control it. There is a great possibility that his sobriety is worth a lot more to you than it is to him... They learn to tell us what we want to hear. There is never an excuse for taking money from anyone without asking for it first, at least I am not aware of one. Wishing you strength.

Jan said...

" You don't understand! I have a reason!" There is no reason except one that suits the addict and when it sounds logical it is usually more of a lie than the one you think you were intending to hear! PLEASE do not believe him, but catch him in the lie. Look into it. I am such a great investigator, Stevie is afraid of telling me truths or lies...... I hate to say this, but DO NOT BELIEVE HIM.... unless he gives it back, there is no redemption unless he says, I stole it., I used andI am sorry.
I am here and I want to believe... But, I have no ability.
I will hope
just for today

Her Big Sad said...

It amazes me how sometimes my daughter can justify something like theft... with her "good reason." Her reason for on-line activities a few years ago in which she hacked into corporations and paid for her cell phone and her hotel rooms, etc? She "wasn't hurting anyone, everyone has insurance and that's what it's for, to protect them, so no one gets hurt." She could NOT seem to understand that it was theft. I don't understand how she never got my basic teaching to her as a child, that if it doesn't have your name on it, don't touch it.... Is the lack of empathy for your victim a part of her mental illness? Do addicts really not understand that they are hurting others? Is it just as basic as, they want the drug more than they want your respect or to respect your property?

She even told me at times that others were "scandalous" because they stole from their families, and "you don't shit in your own backyard." And then, of course, she stole from us. Repeatedly.

We'll never understand Barbara, but please know that I am hugging you mentally and praying for your conversation with K and praying for strength for both him and you, for him to resist the cravings and for you to have the strength to step back and let him choose his path. It's so awfully hard and it hurts. Love, hugs and prayers, my friend!

Barbara said...

Hi Ron. I get what you are saying. I assume you wrote it before my update. He took the three 20's out of his wallet and gave them back to his aunt and apologized. I am at a loss. I am scared. I think the line between addict and menally ill has become less fuzzy. The thing is - we know what an addict needs: to stop using. No one can tell me what my son needs. Unless he's faking us all out, but why? He is the one suffering the most and it hurts him to hurt me (it never used to bother him so this is another sign that its not drugs, drugs didn't give a damn who they hurt in the process). I just feel so helpless and confused right now.

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

I asked my brother's psychiatrist one day if his manic episodes would cause him to act out and steal. He has stolen from us, usually very small strange things, stuff that doesn't even have much monetary value. The doctor told me that manic behavior could and would cause his stealing. That is just one docs opinion and it is not an excuse and does not make it right. I do know that when you are dealing with someone that is dual diagnosis, it is a different beast than straight addiction, as I have witnessed both first hand. Maybe contact someone from the NAMI support group you attended to seek some answers and support. Much love and light coming your way. Take care of you, in the end that is really all we can do, and pray.

Annette said...

Well maybe I am missing something here....was he going to use and then changed his mind and returned the money? Or was he in some kind of a manic stage and took it without really thinking anything through? Of course either way is not ok, but my God, if he was tempted to use and then caught himself and stopped the process and returned the money and apologized all of his own accord, it seems to me that that has to count for something.

Jan said...

I am glad he gave them back. I am glad he went to the meeting. But, I still have that feeling that I already know the outcome to all this- I have been there too many times to count!

TO DAD: I know what you mean about families placing the ball back in your court. Worse, my sister made me feel like crap because I would not give Stevie another chance, so I let her guilt me into it- then he just had a place to sell from. My family always believes the addict and never sticks up for me......

Syd said...

I am sorry for more drama. I wonder when enough will be enough.

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