He came home and (are you sitting down?) gave the $60 back and apologized. I honestly don't know if he was high or not. His pupils were slightly constricted and his girlfriends were slightly dilated...so in other words that was no help. They just left to go to a 10 pm NA mtg. and sure enough there is one where they said it would be (I checked).
10:00 PM LAVA LAMP, 929 Calle Negocio, Ste H @ Calle Amanecer
He then proceeded to tell me that he took the money for the same reason he broke the glass yesterday. We have been seeking help for him since January (with the mental illness aspect of things) and no one can help him. He's getting worse. He says he feels like he's living the life of an addict without getting high and he feels like he's not inside his own body but he's watching himself live from a distance. This scares the shit out of me and I am at the point where I feel desperate to get him help but have no idea where to turn since he's already seeing two psychiatrists. I can't force him into the hospital unless he's a danger to himself or others. I don't know what to do.
Got a text from my sister on my way home from work today.
Kev had taken money out of her wallet.
Why does an addict steal money?
I called him, he said "don't worry, I'm not doing anything, I know we have to talk about this when I get home, I have an explanation".
There is no excuse, absolutely none, for stealing. Of course my stomach has been in knots and I have been fighting back tears because I am not stupid.
Yet, part of me wants to believe there is a reason (not an excuse but a reason) he took the money. Part of me still believes that he would not lose his 9 months of sobriety.
I don't think this way because I think my son is "strong" or incapable or anything like that - its because of his extreme paranoia and obsession of getting caught. His fears and anxiety have been the main motivators in his sobriety. I know that. He admits that. We all agree on that.
So if he gets high its because he knows he has one week till his next drug test. That just kills me. His sobriety is not what's vaulabel to him - its not getting caught. And since Monday is a holiday, he can get away with it.
I'll report back after we have our talk. If I had an extra $25 I'd run down the street and buy a drug test.
In the words of Lennon and McCartney:
Obla-di, obla-da, life goes on, la la la la life goes on.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara