"Relapse" sounds so mild. He used. He shot up. He lost his nine months sobriety. He can barely keep his eyes open. He looks like hell. It was painful to see him in that condition.
I guess the positive is that he told me. He didn't use yesterday when he stole the money. He used today. He says he regrets it. He says he won't do it again. He says he wants to go into an out-patient program. He says ....blah blah blah.
His girlfriend broke up with him until he can prove he's not going to use again and just drove him to a meeting. He can barely keep his eyes open. I sure as hell hope they aren't pulled over because THIS TIME the cop would have ever right to arrest him.
Am I upset? Of course. I am very upset. I am not surprised at all. I knew it was coming the second he told me that he had a whole week until drug testing at probation. I had hope after last night that he got beyond it, but it won.
Two of his friends that are also on probation with him both called and asked him to get hight today. He went with Gilbert to a shooting gallery in Santa Ana. I told him Gilbert is never allowed in this house again. He said "I know".
He called Brad (his mentor) and Andrew (his best friend that has never touched a drug in his life) and told both of them. He told my sister. He told me he wants top work the steps and get a sponsor. He said he has too much to lose, he can't go backwards.
What the hell ever.
I have no faith or trust in him right now. He told me not to give him cash only visa gift cards for gas. He asked me to buy "piss tests" (drug tests) to use on him whenever I wanted. He is saying all this...but how will he feel about it tomorrow remembering the high?
Oh well. As I was thinking earlier: I don't have my son anymore. I have this person that is really messed up. If he leaves (to jail, a hospital, the streets) it won't be that difficult for me because the person that lives here in this house in my son's body is not my son. He hasn't been for over a year. I still love him just as much...but its like he's a shell for who Keven used to be.
One last thing: he said he's glad I have this blog and all of you to listen to me talk about him and support me. I am glad for that too.
For old time's sake, some of you will remember this photo from my first blog:
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara