May 29, 2010

He Relapsed

"Relapse" sounds so mild.  He used.  He shot up.  He lost his nine months sobriety.  He can barely keep his eyes open.  He looks like hell.  It was painful to see him in that condition.

I guess the positive is that he told me.  He didn't use yesterday when he stole the money.  He used today.  He says he regrets it.  He says he won't do it again.  He says he wants to go into an out-patient program.  He says ....blah blah blah.

His girlfriend broke up with him until he can prove he's not going to use again and just drove him to a meeting.  He can barely keep his eyes open.  I sure as hell hope they aren't pulled over because THIS TIME the cop would have ever right to arrest him.

Am I upset?  Of course.  I am very upset.  I am not surprised at all.  I knew it was coming the second he told me that he had a whole week until drug testing at probation.  I had hope after last night that he got beyond it, but it won.

Two of his friends that are also on probation with him both called and asked him to get hight today.  He went with Gilbert to a shooting gallery in Santa Ana.  I told him Gilbert is never allowed in this house again.  He said "I know".

He called Brad (his mentor) and Andrew (his best friend that has never touched a drug in his life) and told both of them.  He told my sister.  He told me he wants top work the steps and get a sponsor.  He said he has too much to lose, he can't go backwards.

What the hell ever.

I have no faith or trust in him right now.  He told me not to give him cash only visa gift cards for gas.  He asked me to buy "piss tests" (drug tests) to use on him whenever I wanted.  He is saying all this...but how will he feel about it tomorrow remembering the high?

Oh well.  As I was thinking earlier:  I don't have my son anymore.  I have this person that is really messed up.  If he leaves (to jail, a hospital, the streets) it won't be that difficult for me because the person that lives here in this house in my son's body is not my son.  He hasn't been for over a year.  I still love him just as much...but its like he's a shell for who Keven used to be.

One last thing:  he said he's glad I have this blog and all of you to listen to me talk about him and support me.  I am glad for that too.

For old time's sake, some of you will remember this photo from my first blog:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


Heather's Mom said...

I do remember that photo and seeing it again made me cry, probably as a finale to what you wrote. Oh, Barbara, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel.
It is a disease, don't let go of your compassion for him.
Maybe this is what it takes to get him to work the steps?
I am grateful he told you.
Sending you love & a big hug!!!

SilverNeurotic said...

My heart just sank the moment I read the title of this post. I am so sorry.

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

Oh Barbara I remember the picture as well and I am so sorry you had to post something that would bring it back to your blog. I am so sad for you and Keven tonight, but it is a disease and I agree with Heather's mom, try to keep compassion. Is there funding for him to go back into a rehab through probation? If not, possibly a sober living house? It may help you to have some physical distance, as hard as that sounds. I am praying for you and K and will keep the faith that he will work past this setback. Much love and light to you tonight my friend.

beachteacher said...

Barbara,....I agree,....Keven needs to give the 12 steps his best effort,...and also get a sponsor. It won't let him down. That program can work miracles.
Sending my love and will keep praying.

Erin said...

Oh hon...just saying I'm here and I love you.

Her Big Sad said...

Amen to EVERYTHING Dad said. You have tools to help you through this. You know you need to let yourself feel the disappointment and just plain wallow in the grief - get it all out. And then start moving again. Remember Dad's analogy about the wet concrete sidewalk. Don't get stuck by stopping... This is done. It's already dry. Walk on! I am SO glad he is considering getting a sponsor and working the steps seriously. More tools! and indeed the program can work miracles, or rather, working the program can produce miracles!! If you can get him to consider the Friday night meeting at "The Other Place" on Chapman - it's awesome. Please keep writing. And please try to wrangle a picture out of Dad (of him in your black pumps and stockings)....

Prayers continue...

Barbara said...

Ron, That's where that pair of shoes went! I've been searching for weeks for those!! Thank you for making me laugh. Your words are true and helpful and I know you (and so many) understand. I am PISSED. I am am pissed but somehow calm in the midst of it.

Renee, thank you. You know its funny, I knew this news would upset my blog friends, that makes me feel good and bad at the same time, you know what I mean? We all share our ups and downs and the ups are much more fun.

Lori, thank you. I miss you. It feels like forever since we've caught up.

Erin. Ok now I am crying. I love you too. Thanks for always being there (I will never forget calling you when he OD's in 12/08).

Oh yeah, I don't know about funding for outpatient but they take his insurance. I think I will tell him he needs to either get a job immediately or sign up for SSDI since he's qualified to receive it with his mental health issues :(

Annette said...

Ohhh, I am so sorry. I love what Ron said though....9 months really doesn't mean anything. All you have is today. I hope he gets up and gets himself started again. I hope he feels deep in soul that after this he *knows* that he doesn't want to go back tot hat life. You know my H relapsed after 11 months and 2 weeks clean and sober. It was like that year mark was just too much. She was afraid of what would be expected of her so she sabotaged herself. It is such a rough road...for themselves and for those who love them.

Josh said...

Much love and prayer your way, Barbara.

(p.s.- I'm not sure if it is a coincidence, but the word verification thing for this comment is "coping"...hopefully Keven can learn tools to better cope with being bipolar and start living a happier life without feeling the need to use!)

Bristolvol said...

Barbara, I had a feeling that this was just waiting to happen. Everything you wrote about, Keven's behavior, pointed to it from an outsider's (and experienced mom's) perspective. We always want to believe our kids. Then we find out that the addiction won out. It feels like you get punched in the stomach. Keven is so young, if he is willing to get help, he has a good chance of beating this horrible disease. Please don't let the situation get the best of you. This too shall pass. Love and hugs.

justLacey said...

I can't add much except to say that I am sorry. I know how hurt you must be, even if you are expecting it. It is hard to hold on to hope sometimes. I do think Keven needs to work the 12 steps more until he has been sober longer. I hate that he is taking over your life with his addiction as well as his own. I wish you could find some sort of relief from it even occasionally. Maybe losing some of your compassion isn't a bad idea sometimes.

Michael said...

So sorry to hear this Barbara. You tokd me you live close to Saddleback. Please go this Friday night to CR. Ask K if he wants to go with you. Both of you deperately need recovery. God has healing power for you and for K.

sarah said...

stay strong ok....your son's got to find his way...he's got to want freedom so bad...he's willing to do anything. praying for him.

Kristin said...

Oh dear, Barbara, I am sorry. I guess that when I wrote yesterday's comment about the mind/body disconnect that I was thinking about Keven using. It is what he knows and it is a reliable fix to feeling terrible, out-of-control and fuzzy from the psych meds. That is the thing about addiction for someone with dual diagnosis. The drug, whatever it is, works every time; ALWAYS better that the cocktails that the psychiatrists prescribe. Damn. Time to get in touch with the psychiatrists and tell them they need to make their concoctions work. If Keven feels weird on the psych meds, he will have twice the battle to stay sober. It is just not fair. I blame this misstep on the pysch drugs screwing with him and confluence of time and shitty friends luring him. But, I believe Keven wants to be clean. I really do.
Today is a new day and the best news is that Keven said that he wants to commit to change. Make it happen. Help him on the path to getting a sponsor and watch-dog the 12 steps. If I really thought you could do it, I would say, close the door and let him do it alone, but the mental illness component makes this a different game. If Keven was just dealing with addiction, then he would need to find the strength to do this on his own. Mental illness strips away the core strength he needs. Get outside help if you think you cannot, don't have the strength, to see him through this.
The photo reminds me of an ad in the subways in NYC years ago. It was of just a forearm and needle plunging in with some ineffectual slogan about how drugs are bad. I had a friend who was an addict. She said that every time she saw it, it got her so excited she couldn't wait to get somewhere safe to shoot up. The ad totally missed the mark and gave the wrong message.
I guess that happens all the time- getting and giving the wrong message. You want Keven to believe that you believe in him and that he can do this. Sometimes the best way is to step back and let him show you. You will know best what Keven needs.
xx kris

parentofanaddictcdcb said...

Barbara, I was so afraid that this would happen. It's funny though how we as parents "know" somehow that something is coming. I'm glad to wee the peace, love and hope are still there though. Hold on to that. I don't really have much to add, everyone has said everything that I wanted to say. Just know that we are here for you. Always.
Hugs and prayers for you and Keven both,

Kristi (Jake's Mom) said...

Barbara, what can I say that hasn't already been said? I just wanted to let you know that i'm so sorry to hear this news and that I'm praying for you both. In NA they say there is no shame in relapse, I agree. Sometimes you have to take one step back to take two steps forward...I hope this is true for Kevin. Like everyone else, I've been where you are and all I can say is that today is a new day, don't lose's all we have. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Syd said...

Barb, I am really sorry. One way to look at this is that he did have 9 months. Before that did he have less time? If so, then something is working. Maybe he can start again and build up more time one day at a time. Getting a sponsor and being in a program will help.Hang in there.

Sherry said...

My heart also sank when I read this Barbara! I am still praying for both of you! If you could still be compassionate...but disconnect...if you know what I mean...the outcome is out of your hands!

Anonymous said...

I don't really know what to say. I just hurt for you. Tears.

I know the post-relapse feelings of remorse, the resolutions, the words of 'never again'. I also know the desperation, the feeling like a total lowlife shit that deserves to die because he's afraid he will never ever change.

I know the post-relapse willingness to do whatever it takes. I also know how it feels to gradually lose that desperation, to start to almost feel as close to normal as you ever get.

I've been clean for decades but I still live life as a f'n addict. Nothing's changed except that my drug of choice is no longer drugs. I cope better, especially now that I'm on psych meds. But this makes me realize how totally f'd I still am.

sorry for mkaing this about me.sht sht sht.

Be strong, Barbara. Thanks for being so real. I'm so glad that you have community.

Barbara said...

Anon, thank you for your words...they aren't all about you, they are all about what it feels like. It helps me a lot to hear from the perspective of someone who gets it better than I do.

Seano said...

Barb, I had no idea. My deepest rays of light are shining your way. Please be strong.

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