A Different Focus

When I started this blog it was called "The Needle and the Damage Done".  At that time my son was active in his addiction to heroin and I was living the nightmare that is familiar to many parents who read here.  Since August 20, 2009 the focus has slowly changed, and although my son still thinks about and talks about heroin every day, its no longer the number one issue we are dealing with.

I changed the name to "Recovery Happens" when my son entered into a rehab after three months in jail.  I felt hopeful.  I wanted my blog to reflect that.

In January 2010 while living in a rehab, my son admitted himself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital.  He had five months clean from drug use but was experiencing intense panic attacks and thoughts of suicide to the point that he knew he needed to be "locked up" for a few days.

At that time they took him off all his medication and diagnosed him with Bipolar Disorder.  Part of me was relieved because it sounded like he only had "one thing wrong" now, but the truth is all the other things he experienced are part of Bipolar!  (panic attacks, severe depression, obsessive thinking, paranoia, general anxiety and mood swings).

I joined NAMI and began learning all I could about Bipolar and continue to learn and find resources.  Although there doesn't seem to be a support network of blogs out there, I've found blogs written by people diagnosed with it, but not many by family members (if you run across any let me know!)

This is really hard to say, to admit.  I feel ashamed and naive but I want to be honest:  When I first heard Keven was Bipolar I was relieved.  I thought it was the answer to all his problems.  He would take some meds, feel normal and be able to avoid heroin.  Life could resume as planned and he would have a productive future and supply me with plenty of grandkids.

I wish.

Bipolar, as I'm seeing firsthand, is very serious and very complicated and he may or may not be able to function in the world like most people do.  I am still in denial about that possibility, I mean - he seems fine most of the time!  He looks so normal!  He has friends, drives, has a girlfriend, talks to groups, meets all his legal obligations...Surely he's going to be JUST FINE.

I am hoping for that.  I want to believe it.  It IS possible.  But in the meantime each day is a new adventure in "how he will feel".  I can almost sense an aura around him of constant discontent.  Its like he's always fighting it, always one step away from something negative.  When he's with his friends he seems distracted, that's the only time I hear him laugh.  Around the house he shows little emotion or is grouchy.  Last week was hallucinations and fear, who knows what next week will be like.

So, all this to say, I may be focusing on talking more about Bipolar here.  I still have my "other boy" who battles addiction to heroin, but for now, he's nice and safe in prison.  I feel kind of lonely in this Bipolar stuff.  I don't even know how I would encourage a parent of a young adult that's been diagnosed.  But I do know all about drug addiction so there is no way I am going to stop reading, caring about and praying for all the people that are still in the thick of that evil battle.  I am well aware that Keven is always one step away from picking up a needle again.

Thanks to all of you who read here and care about my boy and me.  I appreciate you beyond what words can convey.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara