May 8, 2010

A Different Focus

When I started this blog it was called "The Needle and the Damage Done".  At that time my son was active in his addiction to heroin and I was living the nightmare that is familiar to many parents who read here.  Since August 20, 2009 the focus has slowly changed, and although my son still thinks about and talks about heroin every day, its no longer the number one issue we are dealing with.

I changed the name to "Recovery Happens" when my son entered into a rehab after three months in jail.  I felt hopeful.  I wanted my blog to reflect that.

In January 2010 while living in a rehab, my son admitted himself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital.  He had five months clean from drug use but was experiencing intense panic attacks and thoughts of suicide to the point that he knew he needed to be "locked up" for a few days.

At that time they took him off all his medication and diagnosed him with Bipolar Disorder.  Part of me was relieved because it sounded like he only had "one thing wrong" now, but the truth is all the other things he experienced are part of Bipolar!  (panic attacks, severe depression, obsessive thinking, paranoia, general anxiety and mood swings).

I joined NAMI and began learning all I could about Bipolar and continue to learn and find resources.  Although there doesn't seem to be a support network of blogs out there, I've found blogs written by people diagnosed with it, but not many by family members (if you run across any let me know!)

This is really hard to say, to admit.  I feel ashamed and naive but I want to be honest:  When I first heard Keven was Bipolar I was relieved.  I thought it was the answer to all his problems.  He would take some meds, feel normal and be able to avoid heroin.  Life could resume as planned and he would have a productive future and supply me with plenty of grandkids.

I wish.

Bipolar, as I'm seeing firsthand, is very serious and very complicated and he may or may not be able to function in the world like most people do.  I am still in denial about that possibility, I mean - he seems fine most of the time!  He looks so normal!  He has friends, drives, has a girlfriend, talks to groups, meets all his legal obligations...Surely he's going to be JUST FINE.

I am hoping for that.  I want to believe it.  It IS possible.  But in the meantime each day is a new adventure in "how he will feel".  I can almost sense an aura around him of constant discontent.  Its like he's always fighting it, always one step away from something negative.  When he's with his friends he seems distracted, that's the only time I hear him laugh.  Around the house he shows little emotion or is grouchy.  Last week was hallucinations and fear, who knows what next week will be like.

So, all this to say, I may be focusing on talking more about Bipolar here.  I still have my "other boy" who battles addiction to heroin, but for now, he's nice and safe in prison.  I feel kind of lonely in this Bipolar stuff.  I don't even know how I would encourage a parent of a young adult that's been diagnosed.  But I do know all about drug addiction so there is no way I am going to stop reading, caring about and praying for all the people that are still in the thick of that evil battle.  I am well aware that Keven is always one step away from picking up a needle again.

Thanks to all of you who read here and care about my boy and me.  I appreciate you beyond what words can convey.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

10 comments:

Heather's Mom said...

Whatever you focus your blog on, I'll still be here with you! Whether it is drug addiction or bi-polar issues, the same things still apply - you love your son, you worry about him AND you still have to see to it that you take care of you :) while being there for him.
God bless.
Sending love & hugs.

parentofanaddictcdcb said...

It doesn't matter to us (your readers) what the focus of your blog is. We'll keep reading and being here for you...
Your reaction to the diagnosis is exactly what I imagine mine would be...relief. We have the idea that mental illness is just a matter of taking some meds and all will be well. While addiction seems infinitely less 'curable'.
HA! Mental illness is a hard road too. But the important thing is the awareness of knowing what exactly your dealing with. And your getting that knowledge.
You are a strong woman.
Sending you prayers and hugs today,
Carolyn

Sherry said...

Barbara - I don't care what your focus is either...you're a wonderful mother and person and I will continue to support and pray for you and Keven! Happy Mother's Day!!

A Mom' Serious Blunder said...

Happy Mother's Day Barbara! You are such a great mom and Kevin is lucky to have you. Enjoy your day.

Spindrift said...

Tripping Barbara, there always is something, but as you say, you know all about addiction, and I believe you do, so now it's bipolar. Now K is at the next stage of his recovery. The drugs are done and now it's time to tackle the next thing. If he gets this one wrestled down then hey, it could be very positive indeed. You could write about anything I would still tune in, I like the hope you bring.

justLacey said...

Keven's life would probably be less complicated if he had gotten treatment for the bipolar earlier and hadn't chosen to self medicate. Now he has "tasted" the heroin which will always be something to be aware of. It also has f-ed up his brain chemistry which will make it harder to set right again. Not impossible though. He has to be patient and you have to stress that too him. Each good day is a gift and he has had more lately. Inside I know the bad days take priority in his mind. In this journey each day you live it will give you the capacity to help others with their journey. You are stron, Keven is strong too, don't lose sight of that. I REALLY feel that he will find something that will work for the bipolar diagnosis. I think it will just take time for his brain to return to a somewhat normal state.He is also at a stage that makes him emotionless and grouchy and blames you for everything. That is really more normal than you think. Happy Mother's Day Barbara. You have certainly earned your badge this year!

Kathy M. said...

I do understand how you feel. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, too, among other things. It's scary to know what to do. Her case is complicated by her addictions and her choices. She is an adult and has chosen not to treat whatever illnesses she has. I find that working my program has helped me. Practicing this principles in all our affairs, as they say.

On a brighter note, while it is serious, people DO live productively with bipolar. I have a sponsee who does, and I've known others at various times in my life.

There are some good memoirs written by people with bipolar disease. I found it helpful to read those so I could understand what it was like.

I, for one, will keep reading. And if I come across some resources, I'll be sure to let you know. Love and hugs.

Anna said...

Happy mother's day to one of the mom's that inspire me.

Bipolar is scary but not as scary as addiction. Check out Megan who comments on my blog. She has a bipolar daughter.

Hugs,
Anna

Syd said...

Barbara, I think that Keven is lucky to have you for his mother. You go to such great lengths to love him and understand his issues.

justLacey said...

I watched an interesting documentary yesterday called Methadonia. Have you ever seen it? If not I think you should watch it. It is about addicts "using" the methadone program. Kind of gives the bad side which if you are a methadone advocate, you should look at first.

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