The title is just me being facetious. But, seriously, I feel like I am on a roller coaster myself and need to get off. I feel like my last post was really bizarre. What happened was really bizarre. All the details I left out were really bizarre.
So the conclusion is living with Bipolar is really bizarre. Yet at this moment I have hope again. I also have to remember that this is a lifelong illness that is not going to go away so I need to accept that instead of getting so upset when he has an episode, because unfortunately these episodes can last for weeks at at time. Learning to manage it is all we can do.
The good news is I picked up a book I got at the library the other day called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" by Julie Fast. I had seen her website and to be honest, once I saw she was selling something I lost interest. I assumed it was another person trying to make a buck by getting you to buy an e-book or something that was really nothing more than info they cut and paste from somewhere else that you could have found for free.
But she's very legit and has an excellent reputation.
So I open the book and read the chapter describing all the symptoms of Bipolar. Yes - it takes an entire chapter, which she titles "Multi-polar" because the name Bipolar is very misleading. Most people think its means "highs and lows" or "manic depressive" but its so much more than that.
I had learned the basics of Bipolar in the NAMI course but this book goes into great detail and I am wondering why I didn't recognize sooner that Keven has all the symptoms (which is good news considering it seems like there is something mysteriously horrible wrong with him - but apparently a lot of what he's going through is typical).
Here is an outline of what I learned, I have seen every single thing described here in Keven (they think he has BP1)
What really got me was that she used two illustrations that happened to her and Keven has had the EXACT same things happen to him: 1) looking down at his wrists and seeing them bleeding (a hallucination) and 2) feeling so angry that you have to hit something, yell or start a fight to get relief.
I don't know why this makes me feel better but I do. Knowing that she has this disease and is successful and relatively happy gives me hope. She was also 19 when she first started having symptoms. Its very common for mental illness to show up in young adults.
I love my son so much. I hate to see him suffer. I hate to suffer along with him. For years he's been telling me he won't live to his 21st birthday. What if that's true? I don't want to regret not having done everything I possibly can to help him while I have the chance. I need to convince him that he his symptoms are "normal" because right now he thinks he's going off the deep end and is afraid of what he might do. I need to calm him down so that he can gain more control (hopefully).
I don't know what I'm talking about but it sounds good...
I am going to bed now.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara