What do you do when your child is living in torment and the only peace he has is telling himself he could end it at any moment with suicide?
That's where we are at. How did we get here? He was doing so well for so long and then this HUGE downward spiral. He agreed to go into the hospital this weekend if his new meds have not pulled him out of this by then. I don't know if I can last that long. My chest is burning, my stomach is in knots and I am afraid of what he might do.
This is no way to live.
Why the downward spiral?
Everyone keeps telling me I have to take care of myself but I can't. What do I do - just let get to the point that he kills himself?
I hate the way my life feels right now. I don't even know if I can write here anymore. This is like the bottom for me - I am completely lost. I wish a man lived in our home, at least I'd feel safe. I don't even know who my son is right now, its like having a wild stranger in the house that I love with all my heart.
17 comments:
Oh Barbara. You don't know me but I have been reading your blog for a long time. I feel your desperation as though I am in the same room with you. I feel your suffering. I feel your alone-ness. I wish I could help you. I'll pray for you extra tonight. Stay strong and please, if you are afraid call your Mental Health crisis hotline. Please ,please take care of yourself. I care about you. My son is an addict. Not sure about the mental illness component as so much has happened its hard to sort it out. I'm with you.
Kris, thank you so much. Your words helped. Knowing I am not alone helps so much. I don't have a lot of "face to face" support but the people from online more than make up for it...I care about you and your son too. I may not know you, but "I know you". Thanks again.
Barbara you can't stop him from killing himself if that is what he really wants. It's impossible unless you have him hospitalized which you can do if you feel he is a danger to himself or others. At some point you are going to have to accept that you have no control over what he does, only what you do. If you are falling apart you are no good to anyone and that is why everyone is telling you to try and take care of yourself.
I feel your sadness and I know how isolating it can be. I have lived that way for a year now and wonder when it will end. I keep thinking that certainly things will start to look up soon, but I am still waiting. I am lucky in the fact that my husband is the eternal optimist. We are polar opposites in some aspects and very close in others. If you make Keven the only focus in your life then it allows no one else in to help. I pray for both of you every day.
Barbara, I know that it is so difficult to try to work this out on your own. Is there anyone from the NAMI group that you could talk to? There are so many support groups out there. You are certainly qualified for Al-Anon, Nar-Anon--just being able to pick up the phone and call someone else and talk is enormously helpful. What about going to a meeting and getting involved with others who understand? It helped me to know that there was someone who had been where I was and that I could pick up the phone and talk to them anytime that I wanted.
Barbara, it breaks my heart that you and Kevin are suffering so, each in different ways. While our situations are a little different, I'm not a total stranger to bipolar and the effects it can have on a family. I had a closer family member that suffered for years with it. I know you're supposed to detach with the addiction component, but if I'm not mistaken it's the mental issue kevin's having problems with and I don't know that detaching applies here. I'm glad he's willing to go to the hospital this weekend if he's not feeling better. I really feel this is where he needs to be so that perhaps they can sort out his medication. problem. I'm praying for you both and praying for the doctors that they are able to work out kevin's medication. I know that bipolar is treatable but I also know that getting the medication right can take a little time. Try to hang in there. Sending you lots of hugs and support!
HI Barbara,
As you know from my posts, I have been where you are too many times and it nearly killed me. Literally. I remember looking at my daughter and feeling her pain so intensely - her fear and anger and despair like they were my own and realizing that I am powerless. Unfortunately, that is the bottom line. There was never anything one thing that I could do to fix it.
I think when people say "take care of yourself" they might mean "save yourself". No one is going to ever say about you that you didn't try everything within your power for Keven. Everyone who reads your blog knows that you are devoted and that you would do anything to alleviate Keven's suffering.
The best thing you can do now is decide that you, too, are worth all your energy. That is NOT to say that I believe you should step away from Keven. Be the loving and caring mom that you cannot help to be. But, recognize your limitations.
At this point, Keven might need different drugs, or an adjustment to the ones he has been put on recently. But, he might also need to be in a safe place. Do not wait until this weekend if he is too agitated. It will do neither of you any good. A hospital setting is not ideal for long term care but to reduce stress immediately and monitor his suicidal tendencies, it might be the best place for him. Now.
I often wish that I had been blogging before I stepped away from being the primary caretaker of my daughter. What would people have encouraged me to do? And, would I have done it? I don't know. So, as I write this all I can say is that experience does count for something. It is so sad reading your posts and the ones from family members who have been right where you are. Each and everyone of us wants to gather you and Keven up and make it all better. But, most of us know that that is not going to happen. I know that Keven is on one journey and you are on another. The most you can do is support him with unconditional love and keep him safe as best as you can. Again, take him to the hospital if he is in too much pain.
My thoughts will be with both of you today,
xx kris
Hi Barbara, I hope this morning finds you a bit rested and I hope you and Keven both feel more able to cope today. I agree with Kristin, that maybe when someone says "take care of yourself" they mean "save yourself." You are such a devoted and loving mom. But there are some things we Just Can't Fix. I am glad Keven has voiced willingness to go to the hospital if it gets too bad. Keep the PET# handy and try to have a good day, and carve out some time to do something you enjoy that is completely separate from addiction and mental illness.... if that makes sense! A lighthearted movie? A walk on the beach with a friend? Dinner out with a family member or two? Even if just for an hour or two you get away from this, it may help you and lighten your heart.
Anyway, please know we care! keep us posted if you have the time and wish to. I'll be thinking of and praying for you guys this weekend!
Oh Barbara, I wish so much that I could answer your "how" question. I wish that I could do something to alleviate all of this for you and for your son. I wish, I wish, I wish...
"Save yourself", so hard for us to do. We get so wrapped up in their despair and we are so AFRAID, it eats us alive. Having a daughter attempt to kill herself and having her come so close almost did me in. If there is anything at all you can do now, then do it. Take him to the hospital if you can. Then let go. This is whole situation is not good for either of you. You are both in my prayers right now and I know that this whole community is reaching out, giving you a hug and enveloping you in love.
Carolyn
Praying for peace.
Praying for hope.
Barbara,...we are all in your corner,...and in Keven's too. Does his new doctor know how he's feeling? I agree with the others about getting him into the hospital and not waiting....it would keep him safe until the meds. are figured out....and would do so much for you as far as having a respite...and a bit of peace right now. I swear that he'll be O.K. once they get his medicine right....I just know that is going to happen. Please keep praying....as will the rest of us, for Keven to get relief...prayers are powerful,....I KNOW that ! I'm giving you a cyber hug right now.
Lori
Love you!
Barbara, I have been "with you" a long time now and you are always there for me; and tonight I don't know what to say to you.
I always pray for Keven, Ant, and you; but sometimes when we fall far into that dark pit of despair, we have trouble feeling and hearing the prayers of others. I am scared for you that you are deep in that pit of despair right now. I want you to be okay and feel better.
I haven't dealt with the mental illness piece; and I don't have good advice except to say...if you believe Keven will hurt himself turn him in to the local hospital that handles the psych lock-ups (72 hours). The professionals in that environment do care, but they care without the emotional connection; and that might be what Keven and you both need right now.
I love you and you are deep in my prayers. Stay strong and let God lead your head and your heart through this valley of darkness.
One more thought...my heart literally jumped when I realized you crossed out "peace and hope" from your signature line. I don't want you to ever give up either! Love you!
I wrote a response yesterday but I think I must have forgot to push post...sorry this is late. Barbara you are one of strongest woman in this wonderful circle of friends... even though at this moment, you aren't feeling it. I know you will feel that strength again...it has not left for good. It always feels so scary to me when things feel hopeless because to me it feels like there is no end in sight. The only thing you can count on in life is that things change and you will feel better.
I've been reading you for a while now, but have never posted.I'm in recovery from my own addiction. I also have a child with mental illness that kept my world rocked a couple of years ago.
You and your son are in my prayers.
Barbara,
Sorry, my computer was out of commission while traveling home from vacation. I sincerely hope that things are getting better for you. Someone has to help Keven. You need to get your life back. Please don't give up hope.
Love and hugs. Praying for you and your son.
Helga
Barb, today I was at a very powerful meeting. An older gentleman shared that for years he had said he was living a surrendered life. He shared that it wasn't until just recently, like these past 9 months that he has even understood what that meant. Through his own set of heartbreaks and sadness's he understands now what it means to truly be powerless over another and to surrender his fears and his *will* to a power greater than himself. We usually only arrive in that place through being broken.
You can have peace and serenity in your life whether your son is doing well or not. I have experienced it. Not constantly, but a lot more often than in previous years. We can't fix what ails our kids.
We have done the suicide watch thing more times than I can count. We have had her tucked in between us in our bed because we were afraid to let her out of our sight. We have dealt with her debilitating depression in addition to her addictions for 8 years now. The difference now is that we *all* know, including her, that we can't fix it for her. She doesn't expect us to anymore. She knows where to get help if she wants it or feels the need....and I am betting that K does too. Even in the midst of her turmoil when it hits, she has the dignity of being an adult who can seek help if she needs it. If she were to call me and said she needed my help with something and I could offer without enabling her in a negative way, she knows I would be there in a heartbeat. K knows this too about you.
Step 1 my friend. (((HUG)))
Dear Barbara,
The how is so hard. Don't know what I would do/have done without the tools I learned in Al-Anon: detachment with love, acceptance, prayer. They help, but it's never easy. And I do fall backward into fear. Then I get back on my knees and start over.
Love and a million hugs to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
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