Today was the second day in a row that I witnessed Keven smile and laugh and did not see the "dark side". He's at a meeting right now (they meet at picnic tables on the beach....nice!)
I am not thinking about what tomorrow may bring, I am just thankful that this ONE DAY was good. As was yesterday. That makes two days in a row...but the point is you can get caught up in the numbers and lose site of rejoicing in the ONE DAY.
In other news: Kelly was over here last night, her mom dropped her off so she could visit me. It was very sad. She was so despondent, feeling so defeated, so mad at herself. Her parents wanted to send her to Salvation Army but I think they are going to wait to see what happens in court and hope and pray for a drug ordered court program, hopefully PHOENIX HOUSE!
I told her it would be worth it to wait in jail for a bed to open and I think she would be willing to do that. She is as thin as a rail when she's not using...yesterday I hugged her and wanted to cry. She's also so beautiful (aren't they all? youth is beautiful when its not tainted with drugs).
She said she wished there was some place on earth that she could go that there was no access to drugs. But that place doesn't exist. Its in jail and rehabs, small towns, suburbs, big cities, out in the boondocks.
My heart hurts for her because she's been doing this back and forth thing for years. She had all my empathy until she started making excuses for WHY she started using again, she was lonely, she missed Ant. Then I find out (from her) that Ant started using it in prison when he heard she was out here using it. GEEZ! I know how hard it is to stop when its calling your name night and day, but sometimes I think they look for reasons .... or am I just being really callous today?
I guess I wanted her to say "I need help, I surrender, I can't do it on my own, I've tried."
It seems like there are different types of addicts: those who sincerely want to stop, those who sincerely wish they wanted to stop, and those who know they do not want to stop.
I think I am finally able to tell the difference when an addict really wants sobriety and when they say they do but have no real intention of quitting.
I think I can finally recognize pure bullshit even when said with a straight face, perhaps even a few tears. You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice:
defiant
defensive
in denial
The thing is, they flop back and forth so easily.
I think I've become less empathetic recently. Kind of like I am worn out from it all. I have to pick and choose who to invest my emotions in. Its horrible to say this, but I have least hope for Anthony. He's been doing this for seven years now and those of you who have read here for five months or more know he was "this close" to death in January. I guess technically he was dead because a machine was keeping him alive. That didn't phase him.
Neither did losing his mother when he was 14.
Anthony's mother died because of meth. She chose that life. She was never able to stop. Having her two sons taken from her, having 80% of her body burned in a meth lab explosion, living on the street - NONE OF THAT was her "bottom". Her bottom was death. I have to face the fact sometimes that's how the story ends.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
12 comments:
No, you're not being callous. You are dead on right, my friend. Sometimes they are just not done. Any excuse will do.
I truly hope that Kelly can get in somewhere. I've been told that Salvation Army will pretty much always take you, and remember Tall Kay? She always said it was a really good house (nice, clean, comfortable, and the girls there were fantastic).
I love that Keven and you had a good day! Yay! I'm hoping you have an even better weekend! Hugs!
We get burned out hoping, listening, watching, trying to help. All you can do is take care of you and if they want it, they will make it happen. It is awesome when we can appreciate the day, one day at a time. I am glad you and K had a great past couple of days!
In my memoir I write about losing loved ones to addictions.Losses so preventable.But I could never have stopped any of them.That is one big reality of addictions,you're right.
But I am so pleased to read your willingness to not project the fears for your son into the future.
Living for today with the unknown can also be a good thing.Changes can happen that work well too.
I appreciate you sharing your courage and journey,Barbara.
You give a lot of people some strong insights to life under the unknowns of adversity - especially as a parent.I have been there - and you know what? My son got past his dark years that included drug and alcohol abuse.
xo
Barb, this is such an honest post about your feelings. I am glad that you have had some good days recently. You deserve them. Realizing that others have a path that is destructive hurts but there is nothing I can do to save someone from themselves.
Death is the bottom for many I am afraid. But for the Grace of God go I. There are so many excuses to choose to abuse one's drug of choice. Being "High" becomes familiar and comfortable like a comfortable bed that all to often we choose to lay in. John 10:10 "The theif comes to steal and to kill and to destroy, but I(Jesus)come to give you life in abundance." The theif is addiction and it's creator is Satan.
You are burnt out my friend. And it's no wonder. We burn out when we give too much of ourselves over and over and over. Trying to save the world. HA! If only it were possible. I see it all the time at work (I am a nurse). IT's not just the log hours or workload that burn us out it is the constant giving of self.
Remember to feed your soul. Remember to take care of yourself.
Remember that we are all here for you, all the time :)
We are all terrified for our loved ones. I wish it was different.
On the upside I'm thrilled to hear that you had another great day with Keven.
Praying that it continues
Carolyn
The bottom being death is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around but it is so true and we have to accept that it is a likelihood when we have love ones who are addicted or mentally ill. I have talked with my daughter about the depth of her pain. It seems like death would be a blessing when she is suffering at her worst. But, then she rises from the abyss and trudges on. Who knows where the spark of life that keeps one person going comes from and why it is missing in other people.
Cherish you peace with Keven. both a smile AND laughter! wow! It made me smile seeing them all at the picnic table at the beach.
xx kris
After the latest news I had about my daughter, I don't doubt it one bit. The biggest shame is that her innocent children have to suffer through this. They have no idea Mommy is an addict is getting closer to the brink of death day by day. It makes me so aware of the suffering in this world. Just like the oiled birds and fish on the beach, hurting and suffering caused by human hands, unable to do anything about it but protect yourself as long as possible. Glad you and Keven are living it up!
Hi Barb,
I hope you take a nice walk and watch a very engaging movie. These are things that help me recharge.
Maybe the new meds are helping Kev. It sounds like it.
Barb, even if I don't read and don't blo0g for a few days, I always seem to come to your blog first. You are alwasy honest, and you always give me something to think about. I still keep Kelly, Ant, and Keven and you in my prayers; and I will continue to do so, because I don't want to give up hoping for any of them.
You are a rock, you are so full of faith, and if you feel that you are being more aware of how you are feeling and accepting that, I think that is great. And you are right, it isn't about how many good days you and Keven have. You just have to cherish them when they come around.
I am so right there with you. I am glad he is doing well- focus on your son and the just for todays!
Thank you one and all for this great comments! I am resting and taking care of me this weekend!
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