Something is not right

You know how you just KNOW when something is not right with your loved one(s)? I have a very strong feeling that something is up with Keven but I am not sure what it is. He's being drug tested twice a week, but sometimes he seems "off" to me. I am suspicious. I don't know what he's up to. He's doing all the things he needs to be doing, he's being very pleasant and friendly...but I just know something is not right.

There's not much I can do but let nature take its course. He will do what he's going to do. I can't stop him. Maybe he's not doing anything, maybe this is his new "normal". Its hard to know with all the med changes.

Which reminds me, we got a written diagnosis for him. Its not bipolar after all (according to the doctor who's seen him about 20 times in the last six months).  He says Keven has "Schizoaffective Disorder".  I say "no! he's not that messed up is he?" but then I read my own words here on this blog and I remember back to some of the terrifying episodes of seeing delusional and hallucinating.

I don't want to believe it.  I don't want to accept it.  I hate it.  I hate all this crap and I want to turn back the clock about five years and get a "re-do" and try to steer him in a different path.  But if it truly is a mental illness, then there would be no steering away from it.  

I feel tired right now.  And discouraged.  And confused.  Is all this real?  Does he really need meds or are they making him worse?  I feel myself sinking into denial again.  I just want to "not think about it" and maybe it will go away....

Here is a brief description of S.D. from NAMI's website:

"Schizoaffective disorder is one of the more common, chronic, and disabling mental illnesses. As the name implies, it is characterized by a combination of symptoms of schizophrenia and an affective (mood) disorder.

To diagnose schizoaffective disorder, a person needs to have primary symptoms of schizophrenia (such as delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, disorganized behavior) along with a period of time when he or she also has symptoms of major depression or a manic episode. 

The most effective treatment for schizoaffective disorder is a combination of drug treatment and psychosocial interventions. The medications include antipsychotics along with antidepressants or mood stabilizers. 

There has been much less research on psychosocial treatments for schizoaffective disorder than there has been in schizophrenia or depression. However, the available evidence suggests that cognitive behavior therapy, brief psychotherapy, and social skills training are likely to have a beneficial effect. Most people with schizoaffective disorder require long-term therapy with a combination of medications and psychosocial interventions in order to avoid relapses, and maintain an appropriate level of functioning and quality of life."

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara