He thinks it could be a spiritual thing since the meds don't work and he feels that the hallucinations are evil and trying to get him.
He did not mention wanting a clean needle today - which is what I was hoping. Of course that doesn't mean he won't use. There is nothing I can do about it if he does.
Tomorrow is his last appointment with his wonderful psychiatrist (he's retiring, good for him, bad for us). I have to work so I can't go but I emailed him my concerns. One problem is that his current doctor, Dr. H believes he has BP and his new doctor that has only seen him once thinks he as OCD. I think Dr. H would know since he's seen him weekly or bi-weekly since January.
I hate this. I hate when he seems okay only to find out he's not okay at all, just trying to protect me from how bad it is so that my life is affected. I love him so much.
P.S. Currently he's on:
Risperdal
Depakote
Neuronitn
Abilify
Welbutrin
Trazadone (for sleep)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He's seeing things again, really bad things. He's freaking out. I am going to stay up with him tonight. He wants to use tomorrow.
WHY CAN'T ANYONE HELP HIM? WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH HIM?
Why can't he get a diagnosis? He thinks he has Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, if he can figure that out why can't the dr? Why aren't the meds working?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE WORKING BUT HE JUST TOLD ME HE'S BEEN HIDING IT FROM ME HOW BAD THINGS WERE until he broke down tonight.
What am I suppose to do? Sit by and watch him suffer and want to either use or kill himself to escape the demons (literally - that's what he sees) that are plaguing him?
He starts the day out manic and then cycles into this really freaky hallucinatory state. I am afraid that if I take him to the hospital and they lock him up he will have an even worse breakdown...but I may not have a choice.
damn it....why do I ever think things are better? they never are!
Hallucinations are most often associated with the mental illness schizophrenia. However, hallucinations may also occur for those with bipolar disorder when either depression or mania has psychotic features. Hallucinations are one possible characteristic specifically of Bipolar I Disorder; other less severe types of manic depression (Bipolar II and Cyclothymia, for example) by definition exclude the presence of hallucinations.
Psychosis
Psychosis is associated with the manic phase of bipolar I disorder, schizophrenia, andschizoaffective disorder. Other conditions where psychosis may be present includepostpartum psychosis, dementia, depressive episodes, Parkinson's disease and multiple sclerosis. The use of certain illegal drugs, including methamphetamine, can bring on psychotic episodes.
source: About.com
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
14 comments:
Oh, Barbara. I am so concerned for both you and your son. I wish I could give you some good advice or resources. I don't know what to tell you. Is there a mental health hotline #? They often have good information and know about resources in your area. Has Keven been with you so you know he hasn't been using something? Please know I am thinking of you and will check in again soon. Could he be having some kind of interaction from the drugs he's on? Maybe, with a doctor's ok, you could try taking him off of everything - then re-introduce slowly, one at a time? I don't know. I'll think on it tonite. Peggy
Barbara, I am worried for you. It makes me feel so sad that he is telling you he is going to use tomorrow, how fearful and upsetting that must be to you along with the mental issues. I know my brother has the diagnosis your son mentioned and he is on Serequel 300 mg daily and they want to up it a couple of hundred milligrams. He also takes Lorazapam during the day as needed up to three times for anxiety. He is not cured, the doctor told us the best my brother could hope for would be like 60% cured with the other 40% to be less symptomatic than if he was not taking meds. I know when my brother sees and hears things and battles that. He is much better since taking the meds. I say call the Mental Illness hotline, have him call his sponsor, call people from your groups that you attended, reach out wherever you can. I am praying for you and Keven, breathe and give it to God. (((HUGS)))
Barbara, I wish more than anything I could say something that would help. It saddens me greatly to hear about Kevin's struggles, it just shouldn't be this way. I would just say to do whatever you need to do to protect your son until this crises passes. In this modern day of science and technology you would think getting his meds right wouldn't be this difficult. How old is Kevin? I'm not sure I know.... I am praying diligently for both you and Kevin as well as Kevin's doctors that they figure something out soon. My heart is with you both.
I'm sorry that the roller coaster hasn't stopped. I had a sponsee who was diagnosed as Bipolar I. He was a druggie and an alcoholic in the younger years, eventually quit the drugs, and worked the 12 steps in AA and in Al-Anon. He is doing well today. There is hope for Keven.
I'm so sorry Barbara, I really hope that you can find some peace for Keven.
Oh Barbara, Keven wants relief and he knows a reliable way to get it. He is desperate. The doctor could give him a anti-psychotic like seroquel, zyprexa, or risperdal for these periods. They will be less addictive short term than heroin and should curb the anxiety and need to use.
I am so sorry that Keven's symptoms haven't alleviated. Sometimes a combo of drugs can induce hallucinations. Doctors are wary to admit this because the drugs might be having other positive affects. Is he down to one source prescribing his drugs? (It sounded for a while that there were two.)
I will be thinking of you both today,
xx kris
Barbara I am so sorry that you are still on this horrible roller coaster ride. I know you don't want to take him to the hospital for fear of him being locked up but at this point it may be the only way for him to be safe. And they may also be able to get a better grip on this if he's under obs. I'm really concerned about both of you right now.
Praying, praying, praying
Carolyn
When I was going to NAMI meetings, they said to call 911 in situations like that. That having him brought in by ambulance on an emergency basis is the best and fastest way to get him immediate treatment. Would he fight that? Would it make it worse. They might admit him, would he be acceptable to that?
I am so sorry hon. I can only imagine how hard this is...well actually we had a few episodes of drug induced hallucinations that were pretty darn scary. But at least I knew once the drugs wore off she would calm down.
Oh Barbara,...I'm so sorry. I am praying for Keven's relief, correct diagnosis and treatment. Blessings to you both. I will continue to envision the positive for you and keep praying.
Lori
I am thinking hospitalization until they get those halucinations under control. People at the NAMI website would have more experience with this than me.
My understanding is that these hallucinations can be controlled. He might be very tired for awhile until they get things balanced but he will get relief.
I'm back from Key West and just catching up. I am so sorry you are dealing with this - the love of a mother knows no bounds and is felt with every part of her being.
I will continue my prayers for K. There has to be some help somewhere - that God will lead you and K to that place.
I don't know what K has or doesn't have (obviously I am not a dr!), but my brother has found some relief through intense prayer - "fighting" prayer for the schizophrenia - he seems to fight the stuff with prayers and gets some relief. NOT that K has that, again, I am not a dr, but maybe there is a SMALL church in the area? If K is thinking there is a spiritual component. A small church might give him more 1 on 1 closeness and privacy. Just a thought.
I've said it many times - you are a wonderful mother! I so pray you and K find some answers and relief. I don't know if K knows how much we all root for him. You and him are very special people to me and I am grateful for all the support you've given me. I wish I had more to give you!
Love, hugs and continued prayer!!!
Are there any intensive outpatient or residential mental health treatment programs he could get in to? It seems like right now he sees the doctor and otherwise is without treatment (other than the medication) unless he goes to a hospital in crisis. I would think that maybe a hospital stay if required by the residential program followed by the residential program would make the most sense right now since his roughest time is at night. You would know he is in a safe place, he would have people he could talk with about his symptoms as they happen without the concern he has with you of causing you extra worry, and there would be a better opportunity for the treatment providers to observe his symptoms and responses to medication and other treatment over time (rather than in snapshots).
You both are so strong, but you both need more support right now.
Given the fact that he successfully completed Phoenix House residential treatment, I think it's possible that he might adapt well to residential mental health treatment for a while. Then, once he is more stable, he could transition to a day program for a while before returning to his current level of treatment.
Dear Barbara and Kev: Sending support to you. The constellation of symptoms are too much for you to handle. Keven knows this. Tom at Recovery Help Desk is on the money with his advice. If Kev is willing to try anything, and I'm sure he is, a residential treatment setting would provide the level of support he needs and allow you some breathing room. We all love and support you, whatever you and Kev decide. You are both in my fervent prayers. Kris B
Barbara, just a quick note to let you know that Keven will not end up like my brother, because my brother lived with his illness in quiet and shame until probably this past year, he is 49. Times have changed and as much as Mental Illness is still not on the radar near what it should be, it is being caught and talked about, treated, new medicines and support groups, so much more than it used to be. So please take much comfort in that alone, at least he is not trying to hide it from you by taking off and hiding out like my brother would. My brother is not cured, but he is soooooo much better being medicated and with us talking to him openly and honestly about it. Love you!
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