I was thinking about his future and then read Kris's post about her daugther. I could relate so much. I am still confused: is it addiction? is it mental illness? I think its both. All I know is he's paranoid and came home and checked every room in the house to make sure no one was here to get him, then sat down and wrote three poems to get the "demons off his back" for awhile. The poems were about suicide. One was about how he wish he had a gun because it would be so much easier than a knife.
Here is part of the comment I left for Kris, its how I feel:
As mothers we want our children to grow up and raise families of their own, or find a career or passion that fulfills them or all these things. But with mental illness there is less chance of that happening than with a physical disability. People have learned to do amazing things without limbs or site or the ability to hear - but without a stable mind its a battle to get through each day.
Not many people understand. I made the mistake of telling some friends about his relapse and they both reminded me that he's had me wrapped around his little finger all his life and that this is a game to get attention and have his way. Maybe part of that is true...but if this is a game then he is not a winner, there is no winner when you feel like death is the only way out. He already has attention, support and pretty much everything else. I don't see what he is gaining from this.
I have to go to work tomorrow. Today I could barely move. I was exhausted. I managed to do a few things but am ready for bed (its 5:30 pm, a bit early)
P.S. Anthony is doing well in prison. I think he may have used a few times in there. He didn't tell me that but his girlfriend said he's "doing pretty good" at avoiding drugs. To me "pretty good" means, he slipped up a few times. Does anyone else see it that way?
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
12 comments:
I learned some time ago that it is best not to share my son's problems with certain friends, mainly those that have not gone through it. Share with those you know will be understanding so you can gain support and strength. It is more difficult to overcome life's obstacles with mental illness as society still has many stigmas attached to it, but it is not impossible. He will overcome Barbara, have faith and give it to God. Please take care of yourself. Also, that seems like a lot of meds? Can you get a second opinion or is he up to that? I know trust in the doctors is a big thing, it is at least for my brother. I am praying.
Renee, thanks for saying that about friends - its always been my "policy" to not give them details, that's what this blog is for! But I slipped and regret it now. I am just going to change the subject if they bring it up or say "I don't want to talk about him right now".
As for the meds - I thought the same thing - it seems like WAY too much! How is he suppose to know what works and what doesn't? I know the Neurontin can get you high if you take enough of it so I wish he'd take him off that one. We do have two doctors. The first dr. initiated him seeing the second dr. for a second opinion - I wish they could both see him at once and talk TOGETHER rather than treating him like a lab rat and filing him with chemicals he may or may not need that could be making him worse not better.
Barb, thanks for your comment today. I appreciate it. I think that many addicts and alcoholics have an underlying mental illness of some sort. Not all but many do. I wish the best for you and hope for some rest.
"Doing pretty good" is a cop out. Likely means Ant has used and continues to use on occassion. It is a shame that drugs are available in a prison. What is even more sad is that some are brought in by guards. I found out that when I was a chaplaincy visitor here in our detention centre. Very sad indeed, all to make a buck while destorying someone's life.
I agree with your assessment of "doing pretty good". About the meds I know that Wellbutrin can increase anxiety and agitation in some people and neurontin can be abused. It is actually a serious concern here in Canada, especially in northern communities. Neurontin can also increase suicidal thoughts/behaviours. I'm not telling you this to scare you (I hope I haven't) but these are things that you should know. Changing/adjusting psych meds is such a delicate procedure i hope that these docs are monitoring closely. My son takes risperdal for ODD. I have wanted to wean him off of it numerous times but whenever we try his ODD becomes so sever he is intolerable. (To himself and others). So he is stuck with it for now. Sigh...these things are so very hard. I'm sorry for the reaction these people have given...their judgements you don not need.
Of course, you are exhausted. How could you not be? Try to care of you. We are here for you.
Sending prayers and hugs
Carolyn
I too discovered a long time ago that some people just don't "get it" where addiction is concerned. It also occurred to me that neither did I in the beginning and it has taken me years to get to where I am in my understanding of this illness. So, I'm just careful what I say and how far I go with those that just aren't capable of understanding the complexities of addiction...you would have to have walked miles in my shoes to get it, which is why this community is so wonderful! I can't really comment on Kevin's meds, but I agree that it sounds like a lot. I would just say that if you continue to worry, and it just doesn't seem to be working, then go to another doctor, we have to be pro-active with this stuff...sometimes it takes several to get to the one that works best for Kevin. As always, I'm keeping you and Kevin in my prayers and sending you lots of hugs.
Barbara, my guess is that he might not be responding well to the mix of drugs he is taking. The Welbutrin can cause manic episodes. Abilify and Depakote have some difficult side effects and are very hard to assess a therapeutic dose. Neurontin (and Lyrica - both developed for pain management) are used off label as mood stabilizers. There has been growing controversy about whether or not they really work. Risperdal might be the one to hold onto. It is good for short-term use. It sedates the brain's frantic efforts to make sense of all the messages that are firing off right now. (layman terms) Whatever he does now, he has to be careful how he weans off of the drugs he is on. No cold-turkey with psych meds. My daughter has been on all of these meds. In various combinations. Alone and with more. And, she has gone cold-turkey and the withdrawal nearly killed her.
How would you ever know what works and what doesn't? I asked this every time a new drug was added. Once when she was on Abilify she had an odd sensation of feeling her blood rushing in her veins. Surprise! They prescribed a drug to counteract that sensation. She didn't take the Abilify and never filled the prescription for the sensation desensitizer.
Keven is not alone. This is a typical diagnostic tool. Throw a bunch of drugs at the afflicted and hope something works.
I read about a couple once who talked about the wife's accident that made her a paraplegic. I was sobbing by the end of the article because she said they continued to enjoy everything because they have their minds. No use of her body, but she had her mind. And, all was well. I feel so sorry for my able bodied daughter and Keven and the masses of people with mental illness who cannot rely on their minds.
People are afraid of mentally ill. The afflicted look and often act just everyone else and because it isn't clear how their illness is going to manifest itself, just knowing that someone has some diagnosis enough to reject them without a second thought. Either that, or the person downplays it. "With the right drugs, it will all straighten out." or " It's the age. Teens and twenties are hard." or "Get a good therapist. A little talk therapy does wonders." Naive and possibly well-meaning but so far off the mark that it is impossible to have a meaningful conversation with these people.
I have made hundreds of mistakes over the years. Revealing too much about something very commonplace in my world - my daughter's cutting or drug-taking or some bizarre police encounter. I never learn but I don't think hiding her struggle does anything for breaking the stigma of mental illness. It took me a long time to get where I am. I speak very opening about my daughter now. But, I have lost friends. Maybe I don't need those people in my life anyway...
I am sorry that you are on this road, too.
xx kris
I hate being on meds. I hate the continual micro-adjusting of the dosages. I hate the side-effects of some of them. But most of all, I hate NEEDING them. It feels like my life is dependent on them, like a type 1 diabetic is dependent on insulin.
In the past 10 years I have gone through so many different psych meds, both antidepressants and mood stabilizers. We finally found a combination of a fistful of meds that seemed to work pretty well for a long time (at least a year). Then the life stressors increased and we added another med.
I hate the idea that I will never be normal, whatever that is. I guess I just mean being able to cope with life without psych meds. I think I remember you talking about Keven feeling self-loathing for having serious mental health issues. Even though my situation is different than Keven's, I can still relate to those feelings. And there's the resentment at life or god or whatever, for making me this way. anger.
Barbara...gosh that sounds like a lot of meds. I am praying that you and K find an answer soon. Some friends just don't understand. Choose safe people to share with. Like us. :o) lol All of us have variables in our situations but the one universal bond is the heartbreak. Love to you...keep hanging in there.
Im not really sure which is worse, the addiction or the meds the dr is prescribing. It just all seems too much, especially for someone that is an addict.
They're talking about adding Abilify to my daughter's regimen... and there was some talk of a few others. She's not liking her side effects but said in her letter she was committed to using the time incarcerated to getting the cocktail "right". We'll see.
I'm with you; there are a lot of folks I just don't mention her to. There have been many hurtful comments.... even from close family members. I'm tired of that. I'm tired in general!
Hugs to you, dear Barbara! Hugs and prayers!
It is more difficult to overcome life's obstacles with mental illness as society still has many stigmas attached to it, but it is not impossible.
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