Happy New Year!

We've been through a lot together over this last year (and the years before... Its my hope that this year brings peace to parents of addicts, and recovery to their loved ones.

(I did my decade in review on my other blog, I mentioned my 'parents of addicts" support group, thank you for being here.)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Merry Christmas from Barbara and Keven!

I am grateful to have my son home today.  I know not all of you are able to spend this holiday with your loved one.  I am thinking of those of you who are separated right now because of a rehab, jail, a job, or because they are using.  

I just want to remind all of us, time does make a difference.  It seems that most of the addicts I know are moving forward.  Last year Keven was in a rehab for Christmas, the year before he'd just been expelled from his senior year in high school for being under the influence, and four days after Christmas he took a handful of pills in a suicide attempt.  He's had sobriety and relapses many times since then but for today, he's doing well.

I've never completely lost hope, but I've also learned all about being cautiously optimistic.  

Another one...

Warning:  If you are in a joyful holiday mood, save reading this for another day (or never) its not pleasant, but it is important.

In the last few months there have been several deaths in our little circle of people we (Keven and me) know.

Last night at Family Group ANOTHER one was announced.

3 from Cornerstone
2 of Kelsey's friends
1 of Keven's old buddies
1 of Keven's good friends

That's deaths that I have personally heard about...just one person heard of 7 deaths in the last few months.

The latest one, a guy from Cornerstone, may have intentionally overdosed according to Keven which I am sure is a rumor going around.  No one will ever know, and does it matter?

In two weeks Anthony is coming home.  Thankfully his grandmother is letting him live with her for a month because there is no way I want him here - we are coveting our peace and quiet.

I am afraid for Anthony.  He's NEVER made it.

Do you remember what was happening last January?

He was out of jail for ELEVEN days, used at his sober living home and ended up on LIFE SUPPORT!

Once he was better he went to another rehab and somehow from there he got busted again and was sent to prison for _______ months, which equals TEN MONTHS time served.

He told his gf that the first thing he wants to do is go to a meeting.  That sounds great.  I hope he does something different because I think he's living on borrowed time as it is, he's not going to have many more chances and he will end up dead...like his mother :(





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Better Year for Most of Us

After reading many blogs yesterday I saw a hopeful "trend" of  many of our loved addicts being in a better place this Christmas.  I am very sad that Ron's son is in jail, I think its ridiculous, but on the bright side he had been doing super good up to that point, huge change from last Christmas.

Some have come home from jail/prison, others will be home soon.

Some are in Residential Treatment or other types of treatment right now.

Some are on their own but managing to stay clean.

Some have a long time of sobriety behind them (Bmelonlemonade for one).

For those of you who have a child or other loved one still using, I understand.  Its painful.  Hoping, fear, praying, worry, crying, anger, hopelessness, whatever the emotion may be I still feel them all, but at a much lesser level.  Please hang in there, it may take a long time (I hope not) but from what I am seeing MOST addicts eventually get to the point that they are just done with it.  For some its longer than others.


I'll be honest, Anthony will be home in 15 days.  My stomach is in knots when I think of it because he's 23 now and he's been in and out of trouble with drugs and crime since he was 14 (when his dad left him in stolen car since he was a juvenile and would get a lighter sentence!)  I can't say I have high hopes for him but damn it, I want to be wrong.

My son is doing well at the moment.  I am not naive enough to thing he's "done" but I do have a strong hope for that.

I will be thinking of each and every one of you this Christmas.  I am so thankful for this group of bloggers, you have been my support group, my role models, my friends with loving arms and warm words (cyber hugs can be felt, I can feel them!).

THANK YOU!!!!!  

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S. Keven at age ?? months, my little teddy bear :)

I need to:

CATCH UP on all your blogs tomorrow.  I am reading a few here and there but my goal is to find out how each and every one of you is doing and then stay caught up.

Can you tell I am in a weird mood?  I think the rain around here has made my brain soggier than usual. I'm not used to it.  Normally I love it but enough is enough already!!!!




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Got To Meet One of You Today!!!

I had the PLEASURE of meeting Lisa C today!  It was like being with a long time friend even though we had never met.  She is even more wonderful in person than on her blog (if you can imagine that!).  Oh how I wish we could ALL meet up someplace.  I think other people that know what we experience as parents of addicts can be understanding and empathetic, but there is no way you can KNOW what it feels like unless you've been in the unwanted shoes.

Lisa and I talked about how it is to find a new blogger just starting out on this "journey" and remembering having the exact same reactions and ideas when we were new to all this.  I just want to encourage those people by saying:  There will be a day when you can sit and laugh and have a wonderful time again.  I sure did today!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Processing Thoughts on a Funeral....

Wow.  The funeral service for Gilbert was very intense.  Very.  I have to talk about it so here goes:

First of all, Keven, his friend and I were the only non-Mexican people there.  The service was in Spanish and English and the pastor did a great job of flowing back and forth between the two languages in a very natural way, I was impressed by that.

I was not prepared for an open casket.  There Gilbert was, looking so incredibly handsome, with a peaceful smile on his face, but he was DEAD. I have seen quite a few dead people before but he didn't look dead at all.  He looked like he was sleeping and I kept expecting him to open his eyes any minute.  It was painful to see him like that.  His two daughters had drawn pictures and they were in the casket next to him.  He also has a son I was not aware of, he was about 11, adorable, sweet boy.

The thing that made it intense (other than the obvious fact that he is dead) was that he was at one time a gang member but was no longer active in the gang because he was older and had a family.  But you could tell a lot of people that spoke were still angry with him and bitter about his gang lifestyle.  Most of that talk was in Spanish but one guy that got up to speak gave a great speech on why that part of Gilbert's life was over, that the bad things he did were in the far past, that we needed to focus on the positives, forgive and let go of any hurt or anger.

I also learned that he suffered with the heartache of knowing how his addiction hurt his family, his mother, his children, his wife.  They talked about how he was out of pain now, no longer suffering, no longer looking for peace through drugs.

Mostly people talked about his smile, how wonderful he was.  And my son got up there and (I swear I'm not bragging - this is just how it went down) did the best speech of all.  Why was it good?  Because he just spoke so innocently and honestly the truth and by doing that he made everyone laugh really hard (the only laughter of the whole service) and everyone went "awwwww" and I think he said some things that needed to be said.  Yet I know Keven didn't PLAN it that way, it just came out that way.

He told the story of how they met at probabtion and how he was a bit surprised when this gang looking guy (you can tell from the tats on the neck) sat down and started talking.  He said "the next thing you know Gilbert had invited me to his mom's for the best frijoles in the world."  Then he said how much his daughters loved him because when they saw him they would each grab onto one of his legs and not let go and he'd walk around with them like that.  He talked about how Gilbert asked to see how Keven lived so he brought him down here to South OC and Gilbert felt out of place at the mall, but at home at Keven's house.  He talked about how he felt cared about and safe with Gilbert, how they could talk about deep things and he trusted him, etc. etc.  It was very moving and I think it showed everyone there a side to Gilbert they weren't aware of (the side that had a gringo for a friend!).

Then Gilbert's son spoke.  Wow.  Just a child, a little boy.  Losing his dad in such a horrible way at such a young age.

Gilbert's father spoke in Spanish so I didn't get much of it, but he cried even though he tried so hard not to.

It was very emotional.  I just can't get over how he looked so non-dead.  I never, ever, ever want to see my son in one of those caskets or hear of any of your sons, daughters or loved ones in one of them either.  It was painful to see this young man - so full of life when I saw him weeks ago - gone.  A shell.

Thanks, I needed to share this.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Very Fortunate for Keven's Rehab

I have mixed feelings about writing this because I don't want to sound negative but I want to be honest.  Also, it makes  me mad but also makes me feel fortunate.

The current Rehab he is in is really, really good.  The people that work there, the personalized attention given to each person, the program structure, everything about it is high quality.  BUT, that's because you have to pay for it.  We have insurance that covered a large portion but check out how much Keven's 90 day stay would be without it:  $25,000!  Twenty five frigging thousand dollars.....that's almost a  year's salary for me when I am working!  For 90 days!  And the thing is - there are no guarantees.  If there was a guarantee that this would "fix" him it would be worth it because it would be like buying his future...but there are none.  A young man from there OD'd (and died) last week after completing the program and being out for less than a month.

On the other hand there is the Rehab he was in last year.  I am not knocking it, it was also wonderful but it was FREE to us and if we would have had to pay it would have been $9,000.  Still sounds like a lot of money but compared to 25 - 9 is not that bad.  I'd say that 90% of the people there were in the county paid program.
There were also very qualified and caring people working there, but the counselor/client ratio was a lot different and they simply weren't able to offer all the resources this other place has.

So the sad truth is - if you are "privileged" (i.e. have money) your get better treatment.  And even though my son was raised by a single  mom with a low income most of his live, he is still privileged because of his aunt and grandmother's generosity.  I don't know how the rest of my family feels about their "inheritance" being spend on Keven's rehab, but she said she would have spent it on his college education if not for this.  Don't even get me started on how depressing that is....college or rehab (i know many of you can relate).

So, all this to say - last night we had an AWESOME family group.  I wrote about it on my other blog.  Keven was called on the carpet and asked some tough questions that related to me.  I sat there listening with half my brain (the co-dependent half) thinking "oh no, this is so hard on him, poor Keven...) and the other half thinking "YES!  FINALLY SOMEONE HAD THE GUTS TO ASK HIM THIS QUESTION IN FRONT OF ME AND HIS PEERS AND FORCED HIM TO LOOK AT IT AND SEE IT EVEN IF HE WON'T CONFRONT IT DIRECTLY".  It was a breakthrough moment for me personally in MANY ways.

I even told the group and Keven that he did't have to use me as an excuse "I hate upsetting my mom" because guess what - your mom is stronger than she was two years ago when this hell started and she does not get upset in the same way and she can take it now!  It was awesome, cause it was TRUE!

Thanks for listening to all this.

I am headed out to Gilbert's funeral and will be reading  your blogs when I get home later.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

How Cool Is This ???

I think many of us have wished we all lived close enough to meet up once in awhile face to face.  I'm very excited to say that I will be meeting up with one of you soon (I won't say who in case she doesn't want me blabbing it all over my blog).

I wish we could have a big party sometime, I guess we'd have to plan it for smack dab in the middle of the USA to be fair - so that would be KANSAS!  Perfect, we'll meet at Ron's house!  We know he is the king of throwing a good party......

:)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Happy Birthday, Keven

Today is Keven's 20th birthday.  He had a court date and I went with him.  It was a positive day, everyone noticed that he's making progress and they were impressed that he accepted a new limitation that was put on him without his usual "negotiating tactics".  Then they judge, DA, his attorney, the inmates in custody, the bailiffs, and the entire court room sang happy birthday to him - I could tell by his expression that he got a major kick out of that!

The judge noted that he is still the youngest person in her program.

Later on his attorney called me to tell me that they talked about Keven in chambers today because of Gilbert's death, wondering how he handled it.  His PO said he took the news with maturity but she and everyone else agreed they needed to keep an even closer reign on him and be sure his time is well structured.

Of course there are no guarantees.  I found out that Gilbert was actually a resident of PH when he died.  He went out on a pass, bought heroin, used it in the car and they found his dead body just blocks away from PH.  His funeral is Friday, Keven requested a pass to go.

I am very tired.  I am thinking of many of you tonight.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another Heroin Death

One of Keven's close friends OD'd on Saturday.  He was found alone, dead, after shooting up heroin.

I have to write about this young man because I am very, very sad.  I don't know if this happens to other people, but my heart literally aches sometimes and that's how I feel today.

This morning I drove Keven to probation.  When he got back in the car he handed me an envelope that his PO had given him, it was some photos of Keven and Gilbert taken about a month ago at the NAMI walk (they both volunteered to help).  As I sat smiling at the great photos of these two handsome guys I heard Keven say "he's dead".  It was one of those moments that you just want to shake your head and say "no, I didn't hear those words, lets pretend you didn't say that....lets rewind and start over because he can't be dead...."

But he is dead.

The first time I met Gilbert was when Keven brought him home to spend the night, he had met him at Phoenix House and Gilbert had no where to go.  This was not unusual because Keven knows I let his friends stay here for a night or two when they need a roof over their heads.  I was a bit surprised because Gilbert was older (26) and had the obvious tattoos of a Mexican gang.  He didn't seem like a gang member - he was so polite, softspoken and friendly.  Apparently he got hooked on Oxy after an on-the-job injury which led to heroin use.  But at the time he and Keven were clean (this was before Keven's initial relapse so he had about 7 months clean at the time).

Gilbert came over several times after that and I also saw him at court a few times.  He ended up moving back in with his mom and four sisters in a two room apartment in Santa Ana.  His family loved Keven and had never had a white kid at their house before so they made a big deal out of serving him lots of good Mexican food.  Keven looked up to Gilbert.

The last time I saw him he was in a dress shirt and tie and looked like a young professional.  He was smiling and excited about a job interview he had that day.

What happens between moments like that and the moment they pick up again?  I don't know.

Gilbert has two young daughters, age 5 and 7.  Since he was part of Recovery Court they are planning to do a toy drive so that his children will have some gifts on Christmas.  The judge will announce it in court tomorrow.  I am sure there will be lots of tears, to know Gilbert was to love him.

This will be the second time in less than a week that I have sat in a room with a group of people and listened to an announcement that one of their peers/friends had OD'd.  The last time was Thursday night at Family Group at Cornerstone.  I didn't know the young man that people were crying over that night but it still upset me.  This time, it will be painful because I will share in the grief.

I sat in our car and cried after Keven told me.  He just sat and stared out the window.  I said "Aren't you upset?" and he said "You have to be prepared for this to happen when you live this lifestyle".  Well when he said that.... I LOST IT.

I WAS ANGRY!


I yelled at him and said "F____ this lifestyle!  You don't HAVE to have this f_____ing lifestyle!!!"  I'll spare you the rest of my rant but he hadn't seen or heard me go off like that in probably a year.  I let a lot out that needed out.

In a way maybe it was good for him to see me so heartbroken over someone that I didn't even know that well - he could probably imagine what I would be like if he died.  I don't think I could bear it.  I think my body would simply implode and I would crumble to the floor dead.

Everyone in  Recovery court loved Gilbert.  Its kind of interesting to notice that most of the heroin addicts are non-Hispanic.  The Mexicans are usually the ones selling the drugs, not getting addicted to them.  They fill the jails around here for violent crimes (gang related) and drug sales - but most of the addicts are the middle class white kids.  I could tell he was special to the Judge because she'd always call him Gilberto and pronounce it the right way....and his smile was killer.  He was just a doll.  A good son, a good father....he had left his gang life and was doing all the right things before he got hooked on damn opiates.

I hate opiates.  I hate them.  I can't believe another person is dead...and this time too close to home.  There was a third person who also died in the last few weeks so the word is out that there is some "bad shit" on the streets.  ITS ALL BAD SHIT!

I told Keven if he decides to have this lifestyle and use again to go far, far away because I can't take much more.

I was also denied unemployment today because I didn't make enough money in the last 6 months to qualify for it.  AND to top that off, I am paying $333.00 a month for Cobra to keep my health insurance but they have not been paying for my meds so I have to wean myself off Effexor because I can't afford it and its not a safe drug to take yourself off.  But I am not going to borrow any more money from my family and I don't see another choice because I am not paying over $200 for a months supply of it.

This has been a terrible day.

Oh and to top all that off, it was 35 years ago today that my father died.

I hate this day.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

There is no "Safe" place.....me rambling on

The only time I feel assured that Keven has no access to drugs is when he's in the county jail.  This is not true of our state prisons, but its very hard to sneak anything into the county jail and much easier to get caught.

Right now he's out shopping for himself for clothes, his birthday gift from us.  We have him cash.  Hard, cold cash.  We wondered if it was a wise choice but then realized if he wants to use, he will use.  He doesn't need our money to get high.  He does however really want some new jeans.  I think he will be okay.

Last week one of the residents at his rehab who was recently graduated died of an OD.  Last night Keven's closest roommate decided to take off and leave the program because he wanted drugs more than recovery.

Anthony is in prison trying to say no to drugs and will be out in a month.

There is not safe place to go.  No new city, environment or situation that is going to stop an addict from using IF HE/SHE WANT TO USE.  They will find a way.

So here I sit, thinking about my boy turning 20 in a few days.  I never imagined this kind of life for him.  The depression, the constant battle with the desire to use, the feelings of no hope for the future.  Its very sad.

I've learned to separate myself as much as possible.  I've thought about worst case scenarios.  I know this could be going on for many more years.

All we can do is live one day at a time.  I feel very non-emotional today.  Kind of empty.  I love him more than anything but I feel like I don't really know him.  He's not the little  boy I raised that laughed and played and talked my ears off.  He's distant and polite.  His eyes look dull.  He's quiet.  He's not high, but he's not happy either.  I hope he finds peace someday


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Amazing Attorney

She only works with addicts and dually addicted clients.  She charges very reasonable fees.  She would do her job for free if she could.  She cares.

She texted me today to ask how her "superstar, Keven" was doing.  I told her he was doing good and looking for a job.  She called him to encourage him.

Do all attorneys do stuff like this?  Even when they are paid in full and no longer retained by us?

I think she cares.  I really do.  Keven already told me that when he is finally done with this program and stands up in court to give his speech (they each give one when they complete all four phases which in his case will be another YEAR from now) he is going to say "I wouldn't have been able to stand here today if it weren't for S______ (attorney's name)"

Yeah, we had to pay her to keep him out of prison and in Recovery Court, but it was worth it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

One's Working the Steps and One's in PC in Prison

Earlier today I wrote about how when I go to pick up Kev for the weekend we drive home in silence.  Well today instead of hitting the CD player to hear Eminem (I like his new CD), Keven chatted with me almost all the way home.  Wow.   One thing he said was "I feel different, I can feel something happening inside me.  I don't know what it is but I've been working the steps, calling my sponsor every day and I think its something to do with that".

Never thought I'd hear those kind of words from Keven the anti-12 Stepper.

Also got a letter from the other one, Ant.  I don't know if I should say this because apparently its really serious if anyone you know from prison finds out you went into PC*, it gives you a really bad reputation.  He asked to go in to get away from all the dope.  I have a feeling there was more to it (owing money?).  Either way he is in there with all the homosexuals and his "best friend" is a transsexual female who is totally cool and beautiful.  I think if this former male is now a female (she had gender reassignment surgery) she does not belong in a male prison but out govt. says you go to the prison of the sex that you were born with.  So there's a hot chick in prison with all the guys.  No wonder she's in PC!  He also is enjoying all the gay guys telling him how cute he is, he says it nice to get complimented.  I don't know about Ant.  My hopes for him are not too high.  I feel an ache in my chest when I think of him...

"Kelly", Ants girlfriend is going to be 6 months clean when he gets out.  IF he brings her down to his level and gets her using again, I will be heartbroken.  I love this girl and have watched her get her life together, working full time, doing all the right things but wonder if she will throw it all away for "love" if he tries to talk her into getting high.

I didn't mean for this to be son long....


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

*protective custody

Its Saturday Again Already?

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to any of you who read this.  I've been catching up on blogs this morning and so far, mostly positive reports on what's going on with you and your families.  And as always, some very inspiring and encouraging posts.  I appreciate the blogs in this "community" and although wish we would have met for another reason - I am SO grateful we "met".

Keven was not allowed home for Thanksgiving because he did not put his pass in on time.  He really thought he could talk his way into it (typical addict thinking) so I was VERY relieved that they did not buy his "but I wasn't home last year and it would mean so much to my mom" line.  We have a small family to begin with and with Keven gone and my niece and great-nephew living in Germany it was super small this year, but that was fine with me (the turkey was extra good and there was more of it!)

Unfortunately I found out that he did use heroin last Saturday.  I knew he was high but I thought "surely he's high on something other than that ....."  Why did I think that?  I was wrong.  He confessed it to me and said he wants to tell his sponsor, his case manager and the guys at his house but he CAN'T.  He tested clean so they will never know, but he hates lying about his real clean date.

The reason  he can't tell is because of the court program.  He will get kicked out if he messes up one more time which means a felony and prison.  I happen to know that his attorney could probably keep that from happening if he messed up ONCE (she told me this) but he doesn't know that.

It bothers me that he can't be honest without losing his opportunity to stay in recovery but it is what it is, right?

He also told me how difficult it is for him to be around me, my sis and my mom.  He loves us and appreciates us but being around us after all he's put us through the last few years makes him so uncomfortable that he can't force himself to be friendly, he just wants to avoid us.  I am not sure what to think about that but its true...we will drive to and from his house to here every Saturday and not say more than a few sentences to each other the whole time.

So, he's coming home today.  I don't think he will use again but hey - I didn't think he'd use last week.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Why Am I Surprised By This?

I think Keven got high yesterday while home on his day pass.  Not heroin high, but something.  I could see it in  his face although he denied it.  I am 99.9% sure that I am right.  This bothers me to the level that I don't even want to see him, talk to him or have him home on Thanksgiving.  I have to see him Tuesday to take  him to a Dr. Apt.

I can't believe he would be so stupid (actually I can believe it, I am just using this terminology to express myself).

I'm going to need your strength, hope and experience in the next few months because I have a feeling Keven is going to change his mind about not wanting to live here, but he doesn't have a choice.  Even his grandmother (who has always told him she would never make him leave) is in agreement that life is better when he's out of the house.  WAY better.

When I was new at all this I had so much more compassion for my son.  I still have some, but it wears thin after a few years when they've been given chance after chance and still choose to f-up their lives.

Thanks for reading this and caring about us.  I feel disconnected and alone these days.  One thing I don't like about not working (besides no income!) is that I feel very isolated being alone most of the time.  Too much time to think, not enough interaction with other people.  Blogging helps fill some of that void.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Distance is a Beautiful Thing

I love not having Keven live here.  Its so peaceful, so wonderful, so enjoyable.  I feel only a slight bit of guilt for saying that.

He's home on a pass today but is out with friends.  He says he does not want to come home and live when he is done with the 90 day treatment, I sure hope that's true because I am not going to let him.

Its raining here so I am enjoying a quiet afternoon and trying to catch up on some of your blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Yep, There Are Plenty of Drugs in Prison

I haven't mentioned much about Anthony lately - partly because I haven't been writing here all that much and partly because I was disgusted with him and hurt and worried.

He had come up with several stories about why he NEEDED money and if he didn't get it he would be beat up.  I know for a fact that yes, you can get seriously beat up in prison for owing money because the guys that are in there for years or life don't care if they get in more trouble - but they do care if they don't get their money.

So yeah, I gave him some here and there.  The last time I told him if he ever asked again I would hang up on him.  Then...I didn't hear from him for weeks.  Until today.

I got a letter from Chino which was a big surprise since he's been at a different (more pleasant) prison for months.

His letter explains how he landed back at the place he hates.  He staged a fight knowing that the punishment would mean being sent back to Chino to finish out his sentence.  His reason - to get away from the drugs.  I am going to share a bit of what he said in  his letter...the question is, does he mean it? AND Is it even the truth?  If it is true and he does mean it, maybe, MAYBE, he has a chance.

"Momma, sorry I haven't called but I'm back in the hell hole.  I staged a fight so I could get kicked out of here back to Chino.  I couldn't be around all the dope.  I was having serious trouble trying to quit and was at the point that I rather be dead then use again.  The guilt and fear of paroling with a habit was eating away at me so I started a fight and didn't stop till I was pepper-sprayed, cuffed and caged like an animal for 13 hours. Then my happy ass was transfered back to Chino.  I'm disgusted with myself for what I've put my loved ones through.  I feel bad for the guy I fought, but to me I was not fighting him I was fighting my addiction."

He gets out in January so I hope that's enough time clean to give him a chance.  His girlfriend will have 6 months when he gets out.  If things turn out that he uses and she goes back down with him - I will disown them both.  I have to.  I love them too much to watch it.

I will never disown my real son...I have much more hope for him than I do Ant.  He is home on a pass today and had lunch with his ex-gf and now is hanging out with a safe friend a few houses down.  He seems very quiet and withdrawn today, but that's not unusual.  I know he's not using.  I just hope it stays that way.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Family Group

I'm seeing a difference in Keven with his stay at Cornerstone.  Just got back from the Family Group.  Its more like an open support group and Keven shared something that was very intense and powerful.  I don't feel comfortable sharing what it was, but it was related to me.  It was a moment I will never forget.

He also got his first sponsor and hopefully will work the steps with sincerity this time.

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is This The New Suboxone?

Keven told me about this a few weeks ago, he said that the medical doctor at his rehab is already using it on some people and may use it on him. I don't like the idea of him using it unless he absolutely has to.  He found a way to abuse (and make money off) Suboxone but it sounds like it would be harder to get away with that with Vivitrol.

Opinions anyone?

FDA OKs Drug to Treat Opioid Addiction

Vivitrol Can Help Treat Addiction to Heroin and OxyContin

By Bill Hendrick
WebMD Health News

Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

Oct. 14, 2010 -- The FDA has approved a drug already used to treat alcohol dependence to help treat patients with addiction to heroin,morphine, and other opioids, including prescription painkillers such asOxyContin and Vicodin.

Vivitrol, a long-acting formulation of naltrexone given by injection once a month, was approved by the FDA to treat alcohol dependence in 2006. The FDA has now approved Vivitrol to treat and prevent relapse after patients with opioid addiction have undergone detoxification.

Vivitrol is in the class of drugs known as opioid antagonists, which block the brain’s opioid receptors, leaving patients unable to get high if they attempt to use opioids.

The FDA approved the use of Vivitrol on the basis of data from a six-month study that compared Vivitrol to placebo treatment in patients who had completed detoxification and who were no longer physically dependent on opioids.

You can read the rest of the article here.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  FLASHBACK MEMORY....It was 2008, I was visiting with my high school sweetheart who turned into a 30 year long heroin addict/drug counselor.  He was educating me on Subutex and Suboxone.  I had never heard of those things.  Ignorance truly was bliss....now I could write a book on heroin addiction.  Ugh.

Characteristics of an Addict....

Lisa at "Loving an Addict" wrote something on her blog today that really hit me:

My expectations are that my son will never be truly "concerned" with my well being. My expecations are that my son will make his decisions based on what is most interesting/best for him; without thinking about others, including but not being limited to me. My son will continue to run his life in a somewhat selfish mode, even if it doesn't include drugs.




I feel this same way. Occasionally Kev will say "how are you, Mom?" or ask what's new with me but I always feel like its an expected pre-requisite to please me.

Many of us have shared about the characteristics of an addict and noticed that our addicted loved ones seem to be cut of the same cloth! Being self-centered is one of those lovely attributes of my boy. He's very self focused and always puts his wants first.

Do you think this is one of those traits of an addict? Or do addicts develop this trait because of the way the drugs/alcohol affects their thinking? Or, is it just a coincidence that many of them seem to be this way?
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Residential Treatment Is Helping Him

I am back at this blog.  I never can "quit" a blog even when I feel like I am ready to.  I found myself writing about Keven on my other blog and that was something I did not want to do.

So for the faithful few that continually read our journey I have some pretty good news:

Kev has been in residential treatment for two weeks now.  He likes it.  I hear him saying things that I know he has learned from the program.  For example, he's realized that he keeps doing the same thing over and over (returning home after jail or rehab) and he listed all the reasons it was too easy for him to fall back into the drug lifestyle here.  Therefore he won't be coming home.  I am grateful that he sees this and even though I will miss him a little bit, I am glad he will be on his own learning what its like to be responsible for himself.

So - please pray he can GET A JOB!  He will be allowed to look for one in a few weeks and is allowed to work as part of the program he's in.

I am keeping up with all of you and some of the news is excellent, some not so great.  But we have to remember we are all at different places on this road and at any time - it can all change (for the better or the worse).  Sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thank you

I've come to the conclusion that this blog has evolved into something other than what it was originally intended to be.

It began as a place to connect with other parents, to reach out to parents who were "new" at dealing with addiction, and to encourage and be encouraged.

Over time it seems to have lost that focus and is more of a journal of events in the life of my son(s).

I believe that because we are all different and each have a unique relationship and circumstances with our children, that "one size" does not fit all.  What works for one family may be harmful to another.

My mistakes have been learning experiences.  I know more about heroin addiction than I want to know. I am taking this journey one step, one day at a time and will never lose hope for my son no matter how bleak things look.

I will still read your blogs and if you would like to keep up with me you can find me on Facebook or on my other blog "Writing From the Inside Out".

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thank you....

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

"Round Here" by Counting Crows, because sometimes it takes one to know one....

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you, angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

Well, I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know

Maria says she's dying
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

She parks her car outside of my house and
Takes her clothes off, says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions but we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping though my hands

Sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning

She says, "It's only in my head"
She says, "Shh, I know it's only in my head"

But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says, "Man, you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"

Then she looks up at the building
And says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something

Round here she's always on my mind
Round here, hey man, got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early and nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late

I, I can't see nothing, nothing round here
You catch me if I'm falling, you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me? 'Cause I'm falling down on you

I said I'm under the gun round here
Oh man, I said I'm under the gun round here
Well I can't see nothing, nothing round here

Going to Visit Him in Jail Today

I was so angry when he got arrested the other night.  But after it sank in, I started to feel more worried than angry.  He seriously was doing better.  He was home by 10 pm for curfew every night except the night he got arrested...his excuse that night was a flat tire.  His excuse was real because I had to go find the car where he left it (in a safe no tow zone, which I appreciated) and have it towed.

Also, he had been going to his all day out patient every day and admitted to me that he LIKED it.

Lastly, he had not done drugs, but he had drank alcohol on several occasions and that's what got him.

I don't want him to get kicked out of Opportunity Court over this.  I don't want him to spend too  much time in jail over it either.  I want him to get back to the outpatient....

But its not what I want, its what Judge Lindley wants.  She is very fair and compassionate and wants him to succeed but how many chances does he get?

I've taken his calls and he sounds so tired, they have not given him his meds since he got there so that's three days of little sleep and no medication which is NOT RIGHT.   His PO took the meds when she arrested him so I know t hey have them.

So, right or wrong, good or bad, I don't care - I am going to visit my son today.  I miss him.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

This is my blog home....

I have been very depressed lately (nothing to do with Keven) and haven't been blogging much but I miss it.  I miss my blog friends.  I miss a place to share my heart and thoughts.

So, I am going to write here.  It may not always be about my son anymore, because part of RECOVERY is me getting my life back and that's the stage of the journey I am on.

I have a lot to say and I think one of the reasons I've felt down lately is because I've kept so much bottled up inside.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

HA!!! It Didn't Last Long!

Guess who's back in jail?  His PO and four cops showed up last night and hauled him off.  Don't worry, I am not upset, I am looking forward to the peace and quiet.  I hope they keep him for awhile this time.

Oh- the reason, a dirty test for alcohol.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Quick Update...

I stopped counting Keven's "clean days" months ago.  But I do know its been over a week and a half, he's attending out patient rehab, he's been in by curfew every night, he's hanging out with good safe friends AND he has been pleasant to be around.

Enjoying it while it lasts!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update from last post....

Wow.  What an ugly scene.  As I was driving over to Angel's mom's house (where she lives) I called my friend VV who has known Angel even longer than I have and has been through all this addiction stuff with her.  VV is someone I consider an expert on addiction as a recovered (recovering?) alcoholic with many years of sobriety, many sponsees, much wisdom and a lot more gutsy than me.  This was not the first time she and I showed up at the same house for the same reason....

Long story short it was unpleasant and Angel admitted she's ruining her life but just doesn't care.  Not much you can say to that.  I told her I did care and therefore had to say goodbye to her for now because I could not bear to watch it any longer.

The disgusting monster of a man she's involved with was there, but he was too afraid to show his face knowing that two old ladies in their 50's would kick his ass - seriously.

Angel was coming down from being high.  She didn't look terrible but I saw the bruises and sores on her arm.  I asked if she was using heroin and she said no but I am almost certain that she is - heroin doesn't make you look as bad as meth does, so that's my reasoning.

I came home to my non-emotional son who seems to live with a scowl on his face.  He was heading out to Norco to give Kelly a ride home from her visit with Anthony - I chose not to go this time.  I have not interest in seeing Anthony.  I don't even really have an interest in seeing Keven but until he actually does something to violate the rules of the house/probation I am putting up with him.

Addiction affects the family, the friends and everyone else that knows and cares about the addict.  The addict goes alone their merry way, aware that they are ruining their lives and causing others pain and heartbreak but they can't, or won't, change.

Its very unenjoyable to put it mildly.









Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

INFURIATED !!!

I haven't mentioned my friend, Angel, lately since this blog is about Keven.  So as a reminder I will say she is one of my closest friends in the world, someone I love like a daughter because she's only 25, so she is young enough to be my child.  I have known her for 9 years and went through the horror of watching drugs (meth, heroin) destroy her life and then watch her TRIUMPH over them for THREE years and live a wonderful, drug free life as as the beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and sweet woman she was born to be.

Last year she re-hooked up with the MONSTER that she used to use with and its been downhill since then.  She's lost her money, her looks, her friends, her health, her everything.  I think she still has a job but I wonder what the hell they think of her, I hear she looks like "shit".

I have remained close with her through the last year and done all I can do to help (which we all know is not much) but for the last couple of months she has not wanted to see me and now is not returning my calls or texts.

Her sister has confirmed that she is in a very bad place.

Its one thing when you see your own child go through this....its horrible.  But for some reason seeing Angel go through it AFTER EXPERIENCING THREE YEARS OF SOBRIETY it makes me more angry than anything.  I am mostly angry at HIM - the MONSTER who is an older man that uses her and she ALLOWS it.  He uses her in every way imaginable.  Its sick, its much more dangerous to her than the drugs.  Its disgusting.

I woke up at 10:30 this morning feeling too depressed to get out of bed (no reason to be depressed....I don't know what's wrong with me).  But when I got the email from Angel's sister I got angry.  I am going to drive around and find her today and make her look me in the eye.  It may not serve a purpose but I have to do it.  I have to look at her and convey to her how much I love her.

I have a bad feeling that if I don't see her now, I may never see her again.  I love this woman.  I want to slap her, but I love her.  Damn these drugs.  DAMN THEM!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Walk

Earlier this year I participated in NAMI's 12 week course for families of people that were mentally ill.  At that time Keven was under a doctor's care who diagnosed him both as bi-polar, then later schizoaffective disorder.  Yes, he was hallucinating and had major paranoia, but after months of buying into his "illness" the truth slapped me in the face:  he is not mentally ill, he is an ADDICT that has messed his life up to the point that he has symptoms of mental illness.  And yes, he has some "mental and emotional problems" who doesn't?  I suffer from depression to the point that I consider suicide several times per year - seriously consider it - but I am not mentally ill.

So its a bit ironic and unnerving that the program Keven is in through court  is very involved with NAMI and one of the qualifiers is that you mut be dually diagnosed with addiction and mental illness.

Today Keven is at the annual NAMI walk up in Huntington Beach "volunteering".

I think NAMI is very helpful for the people that have true mental illness.  I think that people do have psychotic breaks and need help.  But I think its rare compared to how often things are diagnosed.  Bipolar for example - is it an illness?  I know lots of people who fit the description of it and we just say "that's Joe, he's just that way" and he lives his life. I don't know.  I am not an expert but I am very leery of the whole Pharmaceutical Industry and therefore the mental health industry....it really is an industry moreso than any other "health agency" because once they have you convinced your mentally ill you are hooked for life on their meds - there is no cure.

Read Kris's blog, "Borderline Families", if this topic interests you.  She's an advocate against mental illness industry and Big Pharma and has inspired me to look deeper into it, which is how I formed some of my new opinions on this topic.

I am glad Keven's up there "volunteering" (his PO made him do it) because he's out in the fresh air among people in a festive atmosphere and that is positive.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Finally Getting Caught Up

I have been visiting blogs and just got done crying (tears of joy) at a few wonderful examples of positive changes that have happened in the last 6 months for some of your children.

"Children" is an interesting term.  It makes you think of a child, a young person, but we use the same word to describe adult children.  It sounds weird to hear my own mother say she has three children.

Anyhow....I am rejoicing with some of you right now.  Others are still in the trenches where I seem to be.  I am letting consequences occur and have a funny feeling the judge is going to be angry at Keven tomorrow.

Did I mention he swallowed a bunch of drugs (his leftover heroin and cocaine) before court last Tuesday because he knew he was going to jail?  He was HIGH in court and doesn't remember the judge telling him certain things.  I had NO IDEA he was high.  He didn't look or act it.  In fact he was articulate and polite as he sat there cuffed to the chair.

So....I know he didn't do one of the things she required and won't be surprised if he gets another night in jail.  Oh well.  It seems to be his home away from home lately.

Hope we all have a good week.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

This is Where I Am Hoping Keven Will Be:

We have been searching diligently for the last few days for an affordable place for Keven to do out-patient treatment. Its court-ordered so we don't have a choice in the matter but since I have to pay for it, I want it to be affordable and helpful.

(could not get the photos to post but the place looks like a resort spa, not a rehab!)

He was suppose to go into St. Joseph's Hospital Dual Diagnosis program (they have a good reputation) but they REJECTED him based on the fact he did not have enough days clean. That pissed me off. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

So I found this place: Sovereign Health of CA Treatment

Not only is it VERY affordable (they take my insurance and waive the part I would pay for myself) but its beautiful and the day to day stuff they do sounds wonderful...I WANT TO GO - they do yoga, swim, meditate, get group and individual therapy....sign me up. I need it more than he does! I wonder if I can fake being an addict for a few months?

So, lets hope he gets in. I just hope they will make an exception for him to miss some of every week for court and probation....

I am still not thrilled that he has to be treated for his "mental illness" because I don't think he has one. But my hands are tied on that issue.

Dual Diagnosis Treatment: How it works

Dual diagnosis drug day treatment along with sober living is offered at our Sovereign Health of California Treatment Center in San Clemente. The primary objectives in treating addiction and dual diagnosis patients in a rehab center are to decrease those costly, repetitive drug rehab services you may be having and to address your whole world and not just part of the problem. Our multi-disciplinary team provides an intensive, practical dual diagnostic drug treatment modality at our center to increase harmony and understanding between family members, friends and community.

We are committed to giving knowledge about aspects of life skills that will enable participants to think conceptually and maintain the ability to think critically after treatment and for years to come.

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Bipolar
• Panic Disorder
• Addictions

When you enter into day treatment and sober living at Sovereign Health, your treatment begins with a series of assessments. These assessments will determine the nature of specific psychological issues and the extent to which these issues will affect recovery from alcohol or drugs. The initial assessment is referred to a medical doctor and addresses treatment needs.

After this initial meeting, you’ll be seen by the clinical director to identify issues that need work while in treatment. The results of these assessments are used to formulate an individual treatment plan that will be used to treat each client’s unique problems.

By treating you as a whole person, we can help you get it right the first time, and end the revolving door approach that may be causing you so much lasting pain.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Anthony Update

I talk with him often because he has an illegal cell phone in there.  Last night he begged me for money and had some story about why he HAD to come up with the money and that he WOULD pay me back.  I told him this was the last time unless he really did pay me back.

His younger brother was arrested in an undercover drug bust....they had been following him for days.  The irony is that Timmy never even used drugs, let alone sold them, until a few months ago.  Then he went "big time" immediately and now is in jail with a felony charge and a $200,000 bail.   Anthony is FURIOUS that after all this time Tim decided to "be stupid".

I just feel bad for their grandparents...I talk to his grandmother at least once a week (well mostly I listen).  Its not fair.  But its not fair to any of us.  Life is not fair right?

I totally  understand now how someone can distance themselves almost completely from their own child.  Sometimes its the only way to survive.

I hope I don't have to do that.  So far so good - one whole day has passed :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I want to think the best....but really, why would I?

Sigh.

Is Keven ready to quit?
Or is this just the beginning of a looooong process that may or may not end in the next ten years....or in his lifetime.

There are so few success stories.

I remember when I thought he would be one.

I guess this "second chance" (LET'S SEE HOW ABOUT TWELFTH CHANCE?) could be the one?

Who the hell knows.

I am slowly catching up with all my blog friends.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Once Again He Gets a Chance

The court he is in is called "Opportunity Court" but dang, how many opportunities does he get?

He is in jail today and then will start an "Intensive Out Patient Program for Dual Diagnosis".  He will wear a drug patch 24/7 and be monitored daily with a Breathalyzer for alcohol.  He will attend 90 NA meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, and follow a contract.  If he does not follow the contract he is out.  They wanted me to pay for Sober Living and I am already going broke paying for all his meds, therapist, etc. etc. etc. so I said this is his one last chance and the JUDGE told him the same thing:  "One call from your mother and you're out."  I didn't want him to come home but its pretty clear that he has not room to mess up so we'll see how serious he is.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE COMMENTS, THEY SUSTAINED ME THROUGHOUT THE DAY AND ARE FULL OF WISDOM, COMPASSION AND EXPERIENCE.  THANK YOU!

Talked to a lot of people today:  Gina (Kev's PO), three of his friends who called me (the good kind), heard from his therapist, his mentor, Brad,  who didn't even know what was going on just happened to call me.

FINALLY heard from the addict himself.

He was very sad, he admitted he needed help, he knows he's not allowed back in our home, he knows he's looking at jail (how long we don't know).  He's planning to come home this evening to shower and change and then I will drive him to Brad's house where he will spend the night and then Brad will drive him to court in the morning so he can turn himself in.

I was calm and rational and told him I would never give up on him, but that everything has changed from this point on.

We'll see what happens next.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He Ran and is High

Tomorrow Keven is suppose to start an Out Patient Rehab.  He came home a little while ago, took money from our purses and told me he's on the run.

He said he'd been using today and had been drinking all weekend.

I told him if he left not to come back because he is no longer welcome in this house if he is using.  He said he hates himself and can't control his actions and will probably die tonight.

I called his PO and left her a message.

There is nothing else I can do.  I am numb.  I am going to go to bed like it was a normal night and go to work in the morning and live my life and hope that he gets thrown back in jail before its too late.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Cloud

I am catching up on many of your blogs and see that, sadly, most of us are still living with the cloud of addiction permeating our lives.  Even when we WORK HARD at not letting it bother us, the fact that we WORK SO HARD is evidence that its there is a problem.

A constant fear, anger, stress, worry....

I am so tired of it.  Its strong again like it hasn't been in months.  I feel like he's on the verge of something big, not something good.

I want my life back.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I just invited Ken Seeley to my blog....

I mentioned a few days ago that Keven's therapist works closely with Ken Seeley (some of you know him from A&E show "Intervention") and they would like to document Keven. I wrote about it here but then deleted the post because I had some facts wrong.

What I do know is that they will be coming to my home Tuesday to film. FILM! ME! Me, the woman who won't even post her own photo on her blog who likes to fade into the background and go unnoticed. But I will do anything if it helps Keven and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity - to get Ken Seeley's opinion and help with my son, that's a no-brainer. (I wonder what Tom from Recovery Help Desk has to say about this).

I don't know all of what it will entail, I am taking it one step at a time and seeing how it unfolds. Keven is 100% for it. Will he be honest with them? It doesn't matter, they will see through the lies and even the lies will be helpful insight into what's going on with Kev.

So, I invited Ken and Mcayla (Kev's therapist) to this blog. I feel safe because its invite only but thought I should let me readers know.

I am tempted to go back and see if I said anything negative here about the show "Intervention" because I have very mixed feelings about the it, but I think the show I blasted here was called "Addiction".

The new show that they are planning is about TREATMENT not just about the actual intervention (which is just a tip of the iceberg of recovery).

Ok, I will post a picture of myself because I need to get used to this. Here is one I took a few weeks ago when I must have had something to smile about...Those days are few and far between but I am going to get my life back before its too late. I will be 51 one week from today - I don't exactly have a lot of time left to meet my a guy, fall in love and get married but that's what I hope for someday.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update on the Documentary....

Ken Seeley contacted me today and personally asked me if Keven would be willing to be the subject of a case study. He said it would be filmed but would not be used for the TV show, but they may ask him later to be on the show. Kev's therapist thinks he is such a unique combination of "issues" that he would be the perfect candidate for them to study and learn from.

And what do we get out of it? TREATMENT FOR KEVEN at no cost to us and AN EXPERT in the field of addiction digging in to my son's life to HELP him. That seems too good to be true, but its also very scary.

The only catch is, if you can call it a "catch", is that Keven has to be 100% honest with them. They want to start filming ME in our home on Tuesday. TUESDAY! This is happening FAST and I am a bit stressed. Its not like one of those things where they follow us around with a camera, its more like an interview....but ongoing for several weeks or months I think...

Keven already told me he doesn't want to go to "go away" to any rehab (and I can't force him).

If he is not going to agree to go the treatment they are offering, then why would we bother to do this? Unless it was to help them, which of course I want to do but not at the expense of our own well being.

I hate this. I should be excited about it but it is not sitting right for me for some reason. Maybe because I doubt Keven will be 100% honest.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He's Home - Sort Of

Here is the plan made by his PO and agreed to by me:

He will attend "IOP" (intensive outpatient program) for several months.  The first three weeks are the most intense.  He goes five days a week and comes home to sleep here.

He  do 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
In the program he has a social worker, a psychiatrist, trained therapists, meetings, groups, etc.

the rules:  If he drinks or uses he is OUT of the house and must live in a sober living home.

In the midst of this I am 90% sure that he;s bulimic.  I know its rare for males but he throws up a lot after he eats.

I'm starting to date a bit here and there --- what do you tell a guy about your son when he's a dually dignosed mess?

I'm Ready to Tell Him to He Can't Live Here

First of all, I decided there is no way I want to be on that TV series. It would be more stress than I need or want and Keven is not capable of making a good decision right now so I will make it for our family. NO.

Second, I am so pissed off at him. I don't have the energy to go into it but he thinks he can come waltzing home out of the hospital with no consequences. He admits to me that he was there hiding from his PO (btw, his tests all came back clean so he hid for nothing).

His PO is going to give him several choices:

1. If you want to go home you have to do the Outpatient Program for three weeks, its 9 - Noon M-F.

2. If you don't want to do that you go back to Phoenix House

3. If you don't want to do that you can sit in jail till you decide what to do but you are NOT going home to pick up where you left off, you need HELP.

AND if he does not remove the "no visitors" and allow her to visit him tomorrow she is going to drop his ass from the program which means he does time for his crime and has a felony on his record.

I didn't tell him any of this, she is going to tell him and then it will be discussed with the psychiatrist at the family meeting tomorrow night.

He told me he doesn't want to live with us anymore. FINE! Move the hell out. He can't be homeless (part of probation requires you have a stable living environment).

I am just sick and tired of his life causing me so much stress.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara