November 16, 2018

The Mother of a Heroin Addict?

As I read the description of this blog its hard to believe I am talking about ME. This was not suppose to happen. You raise your child with love and do your best and hope that any mistakes you make will not result in any serious damage.

Then something happens and everything about life changes...your child becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol.

People say "its not your fault, you did the best you could". Al-Anon says the most important thing to remember is the three "C's": You did not Cause it, You can not Control it, You can not Cure it.

I believe those things on the surface but deep down inside of course I blame myself! How could I not?!? He's my son.

Sometimes I find myself envying other partents that have husbands or wives. Doing this alone sucks and I also blame myself for bringing him into the world with a good-for-nothing father that proved to be even more disappointing than my already low expectations of him.

Short story on that: At age 30 I got pregnant by my ex-boyfriend. I did not love him, he did not love me. It was a one-night-stand with someone I felt comfortable with and had previously dated for two years.

When K was born "Bio Dad" showed a bit of interest, but not much. He would visit him for once a month for a few hours. No child support. K would never quite get comfortable around his bio dad because once a month is not enough to really bond. When K turned 12 I was struggling financially and filed for child support (I asked nicely at first but he said "if you force me to pay you I will never see K again").

Well, that ticked me off. It took a year to get the paperwork through the system and then I started getting monthly checks and the monthly visits stopped. Now bio dad would see K on his birthday and Christmas only (both in December).

By this time K had figured it out and decided he hated his dad. Of course what he really feels is hurt, rejection, and less valuable to him than his precious paycheck.

So yes, I blame myself for a lot of the reasons K decided to take the drug route. I searched high and low (at church and the Christian ministry I worked at) for a positive male role model to take K under his wing. A few men said they'd invite him along the next time they took their sons fishing or dirt bike riding, but they never did. The pastor of my church even met with me to develop a plan to help K when he was starting to show signs of rebellion, but nothing ever became of the plan. I don't blame these men - they have their own families, why should they reach out to a lonely boy craving the attention of an adult male (pardon my bitterness, it just burned in my heart as I wrote this, it will pass).

So K started latching on to any male that would pay attention to him...they guy that served us bagels every Sunday who was super cool and nice, the men we met trap shooting at the gun club, and a few others. But of course they were just strangers being friendly.

Then when he was 17 he met Jon at the gym. Jon was so cool, totally buffed out, and he immediately became K's body building mentor. When I met Jon and his girlfriend K told me that they went to the local community college and they were both so friendly I was glad he had some nice friends...though it did bother me a bit that they were older.

Well, I am not blaming Jon, I am just explaining HOW K got into heroin. Jon and his girlfriend introduced it to Keven and that was it. He became hooked immediately. He started using last October but I didn't know how serious it was until December (denial?).

So a nice kid with a mom who loves him meets another nice kid who's mom and dad love him (Jon has caring parents, a nurse and a businessman of some sort). Heroin addiction isn't just for hardcore druggies. Its happening to our CHILDREN in nice middle class neighborhoods where you don't even have to lock your doors cause crime is almost non-existent.

I just wanted to get this post out of the way. Sort of an introduction to my son and how he got started. It only took ONE TIME. O N E T I M E.

July 22, 2013

Welcome, or Welcome Back

I had this blog off-line for a long time.  I've gotten a few requests recently to put it back up so here I am.  I don't know how often I will write, but I will answer any comments left on old posts and try to write at least once a week or so.

During the last five years the most valuable part of my journey through this hell of parenting an addict has been the support, wisdom and care of the blog community.  I want to still be here for other parents.

Currently Keven has almost a year clean from heroin and meth (as of 8/24/13).  Its been a long year.  There have been ups and downs but way more ups.  He's working full time, making car payments.  Living like a "normie" in most aspects.

Every now and then I suspect something is up.  My gut reaction will kick in and think the worst.  But as of today nothing has happened other than a few one time bad choices.  This is why living One Day at a Time is so crucial.  I'd be a nervous wreck if I thought too far in advance.

Thanks for checking out this blog....there's a lot here from time gone by.  I still have a little book with the names of all the parents and addicts that I "pray for" daily.  Never a day goes by without me thinking of them.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

March 22, 2012

I just had to put another post here....

Keven has over 40 days clean right now.
This has not happened for at least a year or more.

His attitude, demeanor, outlook on life - have all changed.

He's the son I knew I was buried under the addiction, and for now he is back.

So, there is HOPE.

I am not naive enough to think this is the end of his journey, it doesn't really end.  He is going to meetings, getting counseling, etc.  It could be the end of him using heroin and other drugs...or it may not be.

For now, I am enjoying each and every second of his clear-headed thinking, sweet personality and enthusiastic attitude.

I miss writing about it.  I know there are people out there that have been touched or helped by this blog and that means THE WORLD to me.  I may still write here now and then, just don't tell my therapist!  ;)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

February 25, 2012

Goodbye Heroin Letter

Today I was going to write about my son's "love affair" with heroin.  Then I saw this letter which was published by this girl's parents after she died, only a month after writing it.  The article about it is  here.

When Keven talks about heroin, its as if he's talking about an old friend, or a lost love that he misses.  Hearing him talk that way concerns me, but it also helps me understand a bit more of what he's fighting against. This letter says so much.  I am so sorry this young woman lost the battle.  How many more will die?  I can't stand it.  Something has to change.

Question:  Do you think if teens were to read a letter like this one that it would stop them from trying it that first time?


Goodbye Heroin, by 17-year-old Hannah Meredith.
 Dear Heroin,

I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, made me steal from my family, on probation 'cause of you, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye.
I'm so ashamed of myself 'cause of you. I OD three times, you're a big risk to anyone that does it and to me.
So I'm going to be strong and stay away from you and never touch you again. My family have supported me all the way but I just kick them up the backside taking advantage of them.
Stole off my mother, granddad, Mam Iscoed. I borrowed money off her and didn't give it back. She's getting old now, and look what you've made me do, my nan — £120 stolen off her, once again 'cause of you.
I love my family from the bottom of my heart, it's not nice being called a junkie or smacked.
It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small, you made me feel like I'm worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.
You're out of my life now, don't need you no more. Yeah, you've messed me up nearly two and a half years of my life but I've still got my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you, going to college, getting a job and a car.
Then get on with my life and get my family's trust back. Stop offending, that's the only reason I was doing all that 'cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you.
I did love the buzz of you but you're not worth it. By losing my family, thinking about you p****s me off.
But not anymore, I'll make sure you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you.
I was brought up by a good family not a bad one, yeah I've had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you (Heroin) (gear), (smack)!!
You're a killer, you've killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I'm lucky that you haven't put me in a box cemetery. Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me 'cause they know I've been on you (gear) it's not nice when I've got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks.
The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking (corr), withdrawals, it's the worst feeling that you've put me through, being bad off you.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Well guess what (heroin) I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin.
Never again. Family comes first.
Hannah Meredith

February 21, 2012

My New Blog


I stopped writing here  but still care and pray for all the parents and addicts who faithfully read this blog for years.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

February 16, 2012

A Little Update

Still haven't gotten around to starting a new blog, and to be honest, I think if I do it won't be about this topic.  My life has been consumed with heroin/cocaine addiction for four years, I need to resurface, the real me, before its too late.  Having only one child. no husband/SO few "in person" friends and a boring job has probably added to the fact that I am so enmeshed with my son and his addiction.

Speaking of the boy - I won't bother telling you the latest drama (its tempting because it was pretty wild), I'll just hit the bottom line:  He's at a Recovery Ranch in another county.  He was in the cardiac unit of a hospital recently and has suffered heart damage from his drug use.  Another reason to stop now - before its serious.

I will keep reading your blogs, and commenting if I have something to add, and of course praying for you and your loved ones, and for you if you are the addict - some of my favorite readers :)

I'm just wiped out.  I need me time.  I'm depressed at the moment, but hopefully will be coming out of that soon.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
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