Enabling Checklist

I found this in some notes and thought it might be helpful as a reminder of things NOT to do:

• give or lend money
• provide a place to live
• rescue/fix problems
• supply a car or transportation
• buy or provide alcohol or drugs
• bail out of jail
• lie to cover up problems
• deny the addiction to others
• defend behaviors to others
• ignore or laugh at the problem
• argue, plead, beg, threaten, placate, bargain
• insist nothing can be done
• keep secrets for the alcoholic
• put yourself in jeopardy
• allow drunk driving
• take over responsibilities
• protect from negative consequences
• blame other people or circumstances
• avoid social functions
• provide employment
• finance school related expenses
• pay bills

IN OTHER NEWS:  GUESS WHO'S GOING TO U2 TOMORROW NIGHT AND IS SO EXCITED SHE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HERSELF???????????????????????????????????????  yeah, baby!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Every Day Is A New Opportunity To Do It Right

Thanks for all the comments on my last post.   I've had some good "soul searching" time yesterday.  Keven did too - they put him in a holding cell to go to court and FORGOT HIM there for 12 hours.  When he told me about it he was very calm and casual.  But I started to get really mad and he said to me "Mom, there's no point in getting upset over something you have no control over".  Okay - I get it, even my son is telling me to LET GO and STOP trying to fix all the problems.  I will focus on me, God knows I have enough to work on for myself without taking on the rest of the world, right?

In my opinion, my good friend Bruce has a song for every occasion.  Today's selection is:

But it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin

And can't stand the company

Every fool's got a reason for feelin' sorry for himself

And turning his heart to stone

Tonight this fool's halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell

And I feel like I'm comin' home
BUT, THESE ARE BETTER DAYS, BABY!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Bad Choice?

I got some comments about letting Anthony stay here and I knew a lot of people would view it as a bad choice.  I think I treat him differently because he's not my true son.  I know K has had people looking out for him his whole life and steering him in the right direction (not that it did any good). 

Anthony has had the opposite.  In fact his first arrest was at age 16 when he was pulled over in a car his father had stolen, his dad told Ant to take the blame for it so off to prison he went.  His mom almost died in a meth lab explosion, but she survived with burns to 80% of her body - only do die in a motorcycle accident a few years later.  So yeah, I feel sorry for him.  Yeah, I want to give him a chance.

If something negative comes of this, you can say "I told you so" and I will humbly admit my bad choice.  But for the next few days I want him to know he's loved, he's not just another addict that screwed up his life.  I hope he makes the right choices, and I hope I made the right choice in letting him stay here.

Time will tell.



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Nervous

I feel nervous for K right now.
We (the nurse at PH and I) are both concerned that his meds are off and were both thinking the same thing today:  he needs a better doctor.  We are working on that.  I just hope he's okay between now and the first of the year when he can get an apt.  I hate seeing him suffer.

Its weird - seeing him high and using I had so much anger and some compassion.  Now that he's not using and his mental health issues are so obvious, I feel only compassion.  Feeling compassionate scares me too....will I cross the line and enable?  Will I somehow mess up?

Ugh.  I hate this.  I hate worrying about how to treat my son instead of just allowing my natural instincts to guide me.  I hate not knowing what he needs.  In some ways its easier when they are using because its black and white, right now it feels so gray.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Jackson Browne talks about Drugs, Enabling and His Regrets

Some of you may know that I have a blog about Classic Rock music.  I was recently sent an interview with Jackson Browne to link on my site but I thought I'd cut and paste part of it here, its interesting that he never became an addict but talks about being an enabler and how devastating drugs and alcohol were to some of his loved ones. I admire his honesty.

Q: For years you ran with people who abused drugs and alcohol pretty intensely—Warren Zevon, Nico, David Crosby. Yet at 61 you seem unscathed.

A: No, I wouldn't say unscathed. Anybody that has alcoholism in their family is not unscathed, believe me. It doesn't even have to be a matter of your own drug-taking, but your enabling of others. In many ways you could say I enabled Warren. I've lost people to drugs—it didn't keep me from taking drugs, either. There were occasions when I couldn't died. I played around with all the drugs.

Q: You did?

A: Oh, yeah. But everybody did. You have to understand. You were just as likely to encounter somebody with a bag of heroin as a bag full of mescaline caps. I mean, it was just sort of back and forth that way, and eventually I sort of made a choice. But I didn't ever get addicted to heroin. I just stupidly, stupidly fooled around—in a way that endangered not only myself but others. I mean, like, at one point I shot up a friend of mine—and we realized with some horror that it was too much. We spent the next several hours trying to make sure that he, you know—I'm laughing about it now just out of a sense of outrage. The outrage that passed across his face. And he's such a good friend. I think he's permitting me to laugh about it, but in fact it was a horrible thing. Another time somebody passed me something that I assumed was coke in an airport. We were on our way to a concert, and I went into the restroom and was a bit greedy and I came out and I was like, "What is this shit?" And I sort of covered my mouth. We had to leave the airport and go to a hotel. It was heroin. I thought it was coke and it was heroin. Look, I'm telling you stuff that I would tell anybody if it was important to understand that you can definitely be in over your head and not know it. I count myself lucky that I didn't grow to like heroin. It's not something that really worked for me. On the other hand, there were other drugs that did. I began thinking that cocaine was really useful, and I began using alcohol because I never understood how uncomfortable I was in groups of people that were there for me—I started drinking when I started performing. At this point I don't take any drugs, and I don't think it helps. With the exception of some psychedelic drugs—I think that's helpful information, for me. But the people I took drugs with, many of them are dead now. I miss Lowell George every day. And a lot of my friends had to get sober or die—Warren Zevon created an incredible body of work because he was sober, not because he was out of his mind and berserk.

If you're interested in the entire interview its here

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

A Former Addict's Thoughts on: the "E" Word

 

These words come from a former addict:

"Just as little comforts in jail (a letter, a snack, a visit) make something rather unbearable tolerable, little comforts in life can make addiction tolerable. I can see (cause the lights are now ON and I am not in a dark place) how an addict needs total isolation and despair to find their inner fight."

Here is the link to her wonderful blog: 

My Sacred Insanity

When I found her blog I stayed up for hours reading every single post.  Her life story is full of tragedy, drama and heartache - but she has overcome every obstacle and still growing steadily on her journey. 

In today's post she talks about how it felt to look back on using meth, and how easily the good memories of using can pop up.  I think its so helpful to hear things from the standpoint of an addict or former addict.

The message she has for parents of addicts is one I hear over and over....but can never hear often enough.  A lesson I am STILL struggling to learn.

Yep, the dreaded "E" word.  

As I visit blogs lately I see a theme....some of us do things we know are enabling our children/family member.  Or we just slip and then realize "OMG I just enabled!"  Sometimes its a matter of not truly understanding the difference between Loving and Enabling.

Its something we all agree is NOT HEALTHY but so many of us fall back into that pattern and then have to live with all the negative consequences of how horrible it feels to want so badly to do the right thing, yet fail.

We feel guilty, embarrassed, angry at ourselves, worried what damage we've caused, concerned of the what others will think of us, self-critical, ashamed....the list goes on.

Its like enabling to the loved one of an addict is our form of RELAPSE.  We're  compelled to help because we LOVE our addict so much!  Its hard for the heart to agree with the mind when it comes to "help" vs. "harm".

So, all this to say, read Midnitefyrfly's blog.  She's a gem, a beautiful soul with a lot to say.

UPDATE!!!  Also another must read today is Lisa C's blog, Loving and Parenting an Addict, which is also on the "E" word.  I just read her post out loud to my sister and we both just nodded our heads in agreement through the whole things.  Sigh.  Can someone please hit rewind on my life and let me redo the last few years???? 

Checklist for Enabling Behavior

Like so many of you, I am thrilled that Lou (Subdural Flow) is blogging again!  She is kind of a mentor to some of us and I need her wisdom and experience and strength!!!

Today she has a great post that lists enabling behavior.  I am not sure if I can agree with not giving my son a place to live when he gets out, but I have made it clear that "one strike and you're out".

Denial in Action

I have a private blog that I rarely write on anymore, but I was looking back on posts from last December and found this about K:

Last night was another bad night at home, he also bent the rim on his car wheel which was just replaced weeks ago at the tune of $1,500 paid by me, my sis and my mom. I am going to resort to very tough love with him. I feel like I'm losing him - he's very depressed. Hasn't shaved in days. Hasn't taken care of anything he should be doing. Is getting all D's in school. Has missed a ton of school due to being unable to force himself out of bed. Drugs? Depression? Both? Something is wrong. This is not normal. If this was normal all the kids would be going through something similar.

Its so glaringly obvious to me now, but at the time I did not want to believe he had a drug problem.  I think in my case denial was a form of self-preservation.  It sounds selfish but I knew that if I acknowledged how serious his problem was my life as I knew it would be over (which is how I felt when I found out I was pregnant in 1990 - I'll save that for another day).  I also see the enabling that my family did over and over and over.

But to not recognize it would be to let my son die.  I have learned so much since the day I wrote that.  I was right - my life has never been the same, and never will be again.  But my son is still alive so far and is getting help.

IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR CHILD IS USING DRUGS - THEY MOST LIKELY ARE!  Of course when you confront them they will lie so you need to drug test them and take immediate action.  By action I mean stop giving them money, stop doing anything that will allow them to continue down that path.  Unfortunately sending an unwilling child to rehab rarely works, save your thousands of dollars until he/she asks (if they do).

I wish I would have know many of you back t hen.  Its been one year since I first realized K had used heroin and/or cocaine intravenously and I went into THREE MONTHS of denial!

I have some other posts from that time period to share later this week.

Here he is a few months before he started using.  Look how HAPPY he was!!!  The smile is fake but you can see it in his eyes.  His girlfriend was with him for a year, but she left him 4 months into his addiction.  I was so proud of her, and so sad that he lost such a nice girl.

Dogs...

Got a call from Ant in jail.  (see recent post).  He was so worried that his gf, Kay, was in jail too so I assured him she was safe at home under the watchful eyes of her parents.  He told me he was dope sick, scared and looking at long time prison.  He did NOT tell me that he was attacked by the police dog and required hospitalization prior to being booked into jail.  No, I found that out in a newpaper article that makes him sound like the most horrible criminal you can imagine.  :(

I considered linking the article from my local paper since they have no problem splashing his name all over, but its too depressing.

My brother's dog has been visiting all day and she is the coolest dog ever.  She was a three time loser with one more chance for adoption before being euthanized when my bro got her.  Yes, she's a little bit wild but super smart, super sweet, loyal and loving.

So I can't help but think of kids like Ant with no family (outside of prison), no money, no place to live, no  nothing.  How do they get that last chance?  Do they just get shuffled through the prison system all their life, having a kid or two here and there and leaving behind the next generation of hopelessness?  Ant already has a 2 year old son :(

I know I can't fix him or save him, but I can love him can't I?  Its so hard to NOT take this kid under my wing even more than he already is.  I will visit with him tomorrow when I go to see K.  It would be wild if they got to see each other - but they can get in huge trouble for talking to each other so it would be better not to.  K wrote him a letter today!  Weird.

By the way, this is Jade and Ant with K:

(click to enlarge)

Dogs have more chances than people sometimes.

A former spy with permission

I admit I used to spy on my son's myspace page to find out what he was up to concerning drugs and its how I found out he was dealing (before he was an addict).  Well now he has ASKED me to go on there for him and read his messages and respond to them and give people his address in jail.

The sad thing is, no one is writing him.  His friends dumped him long ago (except the ones that already know).

I feel weird going on there, but its nice to connect with his friends that know me and the ones that seem safe. I chatted with a few that thought I was him but told them up front it was me and they still wanted to talk.

I don't know if this is enabling or not.

Frankly with the other issue going on in my life, this seems minor.  I don't know how much more I can take but the breaking point is not far.

I am going to sell his truck while he's in jail...

K traded his car for a piece of junk truck while under the influence. Since them my family (well meaning but very enabling) paid to have the truck fixed so it will be driveable. We all HATE the truck. Its a monstrosity.

Well, K had his license revoked for a year and now that he's in jail again I think its time for the truck to go. He will be furious, he "loves" the truck. But who pays for gas, insurance and repair?

I also had his cell phone turned off today.

This time I can't be such a wimp.

I am also taking the doorknob off his door. I know some parents remove the entire bedroom door, but I don't want to do that (yet) partially because it will reduce the noise from his TV.

Any thoughts on the bedroom door issue?