Ant and Kev Updates and question on "Clean Dates"

Anthony is still in my life, though he's not in Keven's.  I talk to him a couple times a week and sometimes he comes over to grab a bite to eat or something like that.  The other night he was here to pick up his tattoo kit and he looked so defeated, so tried.  He's not the charismatic, talkative person he once was.  He's trying to get into a rehab but there is no funding so he continues to use and get by day to day.  He and his gf have no where to live.  I won't let him stay here.  I still love him and it hurts to see him like this.

Keven seems to be doing great.  You know how it is, you want to celebrate the progress they are making but it could so easily come crashing down, you learn to just be thankful for each day and have as few expectations as possible.  He has four months clean thanks to the cops catching him before he used.

That brings me to my question:

There are a lot of theories on determining how much clean time you have.  I am not a stickler one way or another, I don't count his time too much anymore, but I like to have a general idea of how long its been so I know how long he's had it out of his system.

He is being told several things in rehab:

1.  You need to change your clean date to the day you got busted because you would have used that day.

2.  You can't count the time in jail as real clean time.

3.  You have NO clean time as long as you are taking any type of meds for depression and anxiety.

I laugh at the third one because anyone who understands brain chemistry and sees the difference in a person on or off meds knows that this has nothing to do with using drugs or not, it has to do with maintaining the ability to do life well.  I am a wreck if I stop taking my anti-depressants so I just keep taking them.

What do you think?  Just curious.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Can Brain Malfunction Be Reason for Men Cheating?

This may not seem related to the subject of this blog, but it is.  I've heard a lot about Dr. Daniel Amen and the brain scanning he does to treat issues such as depression, anxiety, addiction, and apparently - cheating.  


I haven't formed an opinion on whether or not I trust his theory, but if I had and extra $5,000 - $10,00  lying around,  I'd check it out just out of curiosity.  It would be fascinating to see the results of Keven's brain, and my own.


Here it the entire article (its not long) and here is the gist of what it says:

"I think we should start by looking at their brains. How would we ever know if it was just bad behavior or a brain acting badly unless we looked? Psychiatrists, whom these people come to see for help, are the only medical professionals who rarely look at the organ they treat. Psychiatrists still make diagnoses today as they did in 1841, when Abraham Lincoln was depressed: by talking to people and looking for symptom clusters. Imagine if a cardiologist or an orthopedic doctor acted that way!"  

If he's right, then we should all be able to solve our issues with the right chemicals and nourishment of our brain.  That sounds way to simplistic to me, but it sure would be wonderful wouldn't it?  No more cheating spouses, no more psychopathic murderers, no more ADDICTS.


A lot of people think he's a "quack" and some of the reviews I've read from people who have been to his clinic and some of their stories are alarming.


As of yesterday, Keven is seeing a doctor we had used two years ago.  Some people also think his philosophy is wrong and that he is a "dangerous" doctor.  There has been an interesting controversy surrounding him but out attorney thinks he's a great doctor for addicts so .... I am trusting her judgement.


What are your thoughts on brain scanning etc?  Have you or anyone you know ever tried it?  Just curious.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Year Ago....Underlying Mental Health Issues

I was just reminiscing about last year at this time and wanted to share this for anyone feeling absolutely scared to death, confused, and possibly hopeless.

That's where I was last year at this time.  Looking back over some old blog posts I can recall feeling so lost, so confused, and not knowing what was going on with my son.

He was experiencing some pretty heavy delusions/hallucinations.  At the time I never described it because it seemed so personal, and so awful.  But since those are a thing of the past (I'll tell you why in a minute) I'll give you some examples of what it was like for us back then....

- he often saw a dead man hanging in his closet
- while driving, sometimes when he looked in the rear view mirror he saw someone in the backseat that was not there
- he saw and FELT people walking by him that no one else could see but he swore were real
- he felt that there was someone following him that wanted to kill him

Wow, no wonder I was a total wreck, and just imagine how horrible he felt.  Just for the record - he was not actively using at that time but may have been using in between drug testing which he means once a week he could get away with it since he was tested twice a week.

I had him seeing what I felt at the time was an excellent psychiatrist who also counceled Keven.  He spent a long time talking to him (at no extra charge) each week.  His diagnosis was extreme, he started out saying he was bo-polar and then switched that to schizo-affective disorder (similar to schizophrenia).

Luckily I had just completed NAMI's 12 week course for families of the mentally ill.  It was an intense course and I learned a lot.  I didn't accept either of these diagnosis because it didn't add up for me.  About that same time his psychiatrist retired and we were recommended to someone new.

I shared with his new doctor that I thought Keven was on all the wrong meds (I can't remember all of them, but one was Lithium).  He slowly took him off to get an idea of who the "real Keven" was.  After some trial and error he finally found the right combination of drugs and diagnosed him with what I knew was wrong all along:  panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and depression.  It was the wrong meds that were making him have delusions in the first place because he was not bi-polar or schizo-affective).

And guess what people with those disorders (or a combination of them) often do to feel better?  Right - they get high!

So the point of this post is two things:

1)  ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR OWN GUT INSTICTS ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES!  You may not be en expert in mental illness, but you are an expert on your family.

2)  Many, many addicts are considered "dually diagnosed" meaning they have an underlying mental illness that contributes to their choice to use drugs in the first place.  One of the qualifications to be eligible for the court program that Keven is part of is to be dually diagnosed.  His judge believes that if both issues are treated, the addiction and the mental illness (which could be anything from depression - schizophrenia), the addict has a better chance of recovery.  Court monitors both.  Keven's PO used to come over when he lived here and literally pour out all his meds to count and make sure he was taking them every day.

3) Being on the right meds does not guarantee that the addict will stop using, but it sure makes it easier than if they are on the wrong meds or no meds when they need some. (the ones he's on now are all very common meds with little or no side effects).

4) No matter where you are today - things change.  I hope and pray that things change for the better for all of us.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Borderline Families

Kris of Borderline Families has been writing about a new book that's out:

"Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America" by Robert Whitaker.

For those of us who have loved ones who've been diagnosed with mental illness, this is a MUST READ book. Robert Whitaker's research is extensive and includes many, many case studies. The bottom line: Psychiatric Drugs are likely doing More Harm than Good, and the lifespan for a person on these meds continuously drops drastically.

I have always feared in the back of my mind that this could be the case. I've written about it here many times. I want to believe that the right combination of meds will solve all Keven's problems, but really - I don't know if they are helping or making him worse, or what...He seems better these days, but if the long term affects are a 25% shorter lifespan???

Anyhow, please read what Kris has to say. She is far more articulate than I could ever be.

Peace, Hope and Love,Barbara

NAMI Class 7

Went to class tonight.  I looked like hell cause I had been crying but that trurned out to be good because it prompted one of the young women that leads the class (and just happens to have the same diagnosis as Keven) to come over and talk to me.  It was VERY helpful.

I have to keep being an advocate for my son and I am going to insist on going to the dr. with him and discussing med options.  He's on an SRI which is not helping the depression enough, he needs an SSRI.  Also one of the anti-psychotics is bothering him so much, I found one that may work that has less side effects.

And, thanks to Lori, I also was able to get his dr. to follow through on something he mentioned months ago but never did - test him for ADD/ADHD.  He has ADD.  No big shock there.  So HOPEFULLY those meds will help to.

So many meds.  It seems unnatural.  But living in an altered state of mind (when not on any drugs) is not natural either.  :(

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class Three and Learning More About My Son

Tonight for the last half of our three hour meeting we went around the room and shared about our loved one and their diagnosis.  It was heart wrenching.  Several tears were shed.  I think in many ways its hardest for a spouse who's husband or wife becomes mentally ill in the middle of what was once a great marriage.  One woman shared that her 18 year old son has already determined that he will never have children in fear that he will pass his dad's bi-polar along to his own children, and he also lives in fear of it himself.

People throw around the term "bi-polar" likes its not that big of a deal, but for someone who has it or is living with someone who has it, its horrible.  I don't even want to list the things Kev has been diagnosed with.  Its funny, I have no problem sharing about his drug use, but still have a hard time even using the term "mental illness". 

When it was my turn to share I started with his mention of suicide at age 6.  My first warning sign.  I  also shared the worst night of my life (well one of them) which involved Keven in a wild and violent frame of mind, high on who-knows-what - I thought one of us was going to die that night.  I thought it would be him.  By some miracle, I talked him down and a few days later he was in rehab (the first of three times, the third time was Phoenix House and I am so THANKFUL for that place, I highly recommend it to anyone with addiction or dual diagnosis.)

Forgive the rambling way this post is written, I know its not composed very well but I just need to get it all out so I can sleep.

The very final person to share tonight was the man who leads our class.  I think quite a few of us cried during what he shared.  I'll just say this:  there is so much hope for people with mental illness that get help and keep taking their meds.  Some people have lived through nightmares are are living fulfilling lives today.

Lastly I will share something Keven said to me tonight.  He's been spending a lot of time with "Kelly", Anthony's girlfriend.  They have been close friends for years.  They went to an NA mtg. last night which brought up a lot of bad memories for him.  He told me about how he and Kelly would stay up all night shooting cocaine and how he'd come home to go to bed and lie in his bed and cry because his arms hurt so much and he felt so damn helpless like he would never be able to get off the coke and/or the heroin.  I can't tell you how grateful I am today to hear him talk about this stuff rather than live it...and I also ask myself "why didn't you do something sooner?  how could you be so blind?  what were you thinking?"

I'm still scared every day that he may break down and use.  I am not fooling myself that he's "better" but he has made tremendous strides and I am so proud of him.  I love him so much.  I am such an emotional wreck after hearing all those stories tonight....

I've been reading your blogs - the mix of good and bad news.  I'm so glad I have all of you to share with.  I know we've come to care a lot about each other and our children...and I am thankful for the people who read here just to be supportive, and those that are fighting addiction this very moment, or who have overcome it.  We're all in this world together and we need each other.  

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Tonight at PH Family Group we learned about family roles.  I am a "Placater/People Pleaser".  No surprise there. K is the "Acting Out Child".  Its about your original family of origin but often you keep that same set of traits, which I have. 

Its also called Co-Dependent - big time.

Found out he's going to be released to come home Feb. 17.
After 6 months of having him gone - he will be back.

I have mixed feelings.  I want him to succeed.  I want him to be himself again.  The meds he's on are strong and the look in his eyes tonight was dull.  I guess that's an improvement over "anxious".

Here is a PDF of what we talked about tonight, maybe you can recognize your family role:

Family Roles by Claudia Black

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Working on Overwhelming Project

I had no idea how taxing both emotionally and physically this project would be.  I am tired and feel sick and I am only half done.  I am creating a document for the judge that will evaluate K's case next week.  Its a summary of his mental health history.  Its making me realize that I knew something was wrong, I took action, but I did not push hard enough for results and/or he seemed better.  Wish me luck.


I need to feel better, my boyfriend arrives tomorrow for a week long stay to celebrate my birthday.


I wonder if K will be out for my big day?  (50!)  I kind of hope so, but I kind of hope not.  Sigh.  Its never easy having a concrete describable thought when it relates to loving a heroin addict!

K Is Worried about Relapse

commonly known as "footballs" or "bars" in drug slang

He called again today and we had a bit of an argument over the phone. I brought up what changes will be made when he gets home and he got mad that I was talking about unpleasant things - he said his aunt never does that to him when she talks to him in jail. I said....I'm your MOTHER and this stuff needs to be discussed.

We also talked about his fears. He said he wants to get back on Suboxone and stay on it. He said he never realized how hard it would be to quit heroin or he never would have started. He said he was nervous because he used just three days after getting out last time (a 22 day stay).

He said, "Mom, if you catch me using I want you to send me to rehab."

I said, sure, but I would have to kick him out first because the only rehab i can afford is the cheap one for homeless people. He agreed to be homeless because he doesn't want to live this life.

What scares me is that I see how easily this COULD become his life....in and out of jail, on and off drugs....for years. I don't want that for my son. And I don't want it for me either.

So, he's already nervous that he will use. I told him the no friends rule, the no doorknob rule, etc. He was pissed off.

He also told me the reason he started using drugs was because of his life-long paranoia and anxiety, and no, he's not playing me when he says that. From a very early age (5) he has suffered from depression and anxiety. I waited till he was 8 to take him to a psychiatrist because I refused to believe there could be something mentally wrong with him. He went on and off anti-depressants and it helped (I take them daily).

But he's always been very anxious and had lots of unwarranted fears. He said that the drugs helped him with that, except for weed and coke which made it worse. But he loved Xanax and opiates for the relief it gave him. (yeah, it knocks you out so your not even aware of life, can't feel anxious if your not even able to stay awake...)

So I don't know if he has something wrong that needs to be addressed. I have spent thousands of dollars over the years for different doctors trying to find help for him (counseling and meds). I will take him back to our WONDERFUL doctor, Dr. Yang, for advice and Suboxone. Dr. Yang specializes in addiction but is a general MD as well as having a background in counseling. K loves him and so do I.

Ok. I just had to get this out. Now, I need to go to bed.