A Year Ago....Underlying Mental Health Issues

I was just reminiscing about last year at this time and wanted to share this for anyone feeling absolutely scared to death, confused, and possibly hopeless.

That's where I was last year at this time.  Looking back over some old blog posts I can recall feeling so lost, so confused, and not knowing what was going on with my son.

He was experiencing some pretty heavy delusions/hallucinations.  At the time I never described it because it seemed so personal, and so awful.  But since those are a thing of the past (I'll tell you why in a minute) I'll give you some examples of what it was like for us back then....

- he often saw a dead man hanging in his closet
- while driving, sometimes when he looked in the rear view mirror he saw someone in the backseat that was not there
- he saw and FELT people walking by him that no one else could see but he swore were real
- he felt that there was someone following him that wanted to kill him

Wow, no wonder I was a total wreck, and just imagine how horrible he felt.  Just for the record - he was not actively using at that time but may have been using in between drug testing which he means once a week he could get away with it since he was tested twice a week.

I had him seeing what I felt at the time was an excellent psychiatrist who also counceled Keven.  He spent a long time talking to him (at no extra charge) each week.  His diagnosis was extreme, he started out saying he was bo-polar and then switched that to schizo-affective disorder (similar to schizophrenia).

Luckily I had just completed NAMI's 12 week course for families of the mentally ill.  It was an intense course and I learned a lot.  I didn't accept either of these diagnosis because it didn't add up for me.  About that same time his psychiatrist retired and we were recommended to someone new.

I shared with his new doctor that I thought Keven was on all the wrong meds (I can't remember all of them, but one was Lithium).  He slowly took him off to get an idea of who the "real Keven" was.  After some trial and error he finally found the right combination of drugs and diagnosed him with what I knew was wrong all along:  panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and depression.  It was the wrong meds that were making him have delusions in the first place because he was not bi-polar or schizo-affective).

And guess what people with those disorders (or a combination of them) often do to feel better?  Right - they get high!

So the point of this post is two things:

1)  ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR OWN GUT INSTICTS ABOUT YOUR LOVED ONES!  You may not be en expert in mental illness, but you are an expert on your family.

2)  Many, many addicts are considered "dually diagnosed" meaning they have an underlying mental illness that contributes to their choice to use drugs in the first place.  One of the qualifications to be eligible for the court program that Keven is part of is to be dually diagnosed.  His judge believes that if both issues are treated, the addiction and the mental illness (which could be anything from depression - schizophrenia), the addict has a better chance of recovery.  Court monitors both.  Keven's PO used to come over when he lived here and literally pour out all his meds to count and make sure he was taking them every day.

3) Being on the right meds does not guarantee that the addict will stop using, but it sure makes it easier than if they are on the wrong meds or no meds when they need some. (the ones he's on now are all very common meds with little or no side effects).

4) No matter where you are today - things change.  I hope and pray that things change for the better for all of us.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class 10

Tonight was my last official class, next week we have a pizza party and can bring our family members, Keven said he'd go so I hope he follows through I really want him to be there.

I have learned so much from this class, and the support and hope I've got has been wonderful.  Luckily our group can stay together and meet once a month in someone's home, I really want to stay in touch with everyone.

So much of the information I've gained has been helpful and hopeful.  I think I've mentioned that two of the young women that help lead the class are both "diagnosed" and you would never know in a million years, they are both intelligent, sweet, attractive, confident, ambitious, I could go on and on, they are my favorite part of the class and I will miss them tremendously.

One thing I learned from one of them tonight (I swear she is like an encyclopedia of knowledge - with first hand experience of bi-polar!)

I told her that Kev's doctor said he was having delusions, not hallucinations.  Now, I heard this second hand via Keven.  He does not allow me to talk to his doctor (which irks me that I support him yet legally the dr. doesn't have to talk to me).

My question was:  What is the difference between hallucinations and delusions and are they part of bi-polar or do they always indicate schizophrenia?


She explained it really well.  Delusions are thoughts, hallucinations are the senses reacting to the thoughts.  Hallucinations can be visual, audible or even a sense of smell or hot or cold or whatever.  For example if you thought someone was hiding in your house to "get you" you could see them even if they weren't there.  Its not uncommon for someone in the manic stage of Bi-Polar to have them.


We just happened to have a guest speaker tonight who has worked in the mental health field for 24 years.  She shared her story.  She is schizophrenic.  HER STORY WAS INSANE (oops, no pun intended).  She is writing a book and I would not be surprised if its a movie someday similar to "A Beautiful Mind".  She lived with imaginary friends, super powers, paranoid ideas, etc. for YEARS all alone and undiagnosed.   Yet there she was:  a wife, mother and long term worker in the field, devoting her life to helping others.  Dang.  I hope she writes the book soon so everyone can read it!

Bottom line:  Mental Illness is SO COMMON and can be treated.  A large percentage of addicts either use drugs to medicate a mental illness OR their drug use induces a mental illness.  It depresses me to put a label on my son and it kills me to see him suffer, but at least we are getting some help.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class 7

Went to class tonight.  I looked like hell cause I had been crying but that trurned out to be good because it prompted one of the young women that leads the class (and just happens to have the same diagnosis as Keven) to come over and talk to me.  It was VERY helpful.

I have to keep being an advocate for my son and I am going to insist on going to the dr. with him and discussing med options.  He's on an SRI which is not helping the depression enough, he needs an SSRI.  Also one of the anti-psychotics is bothering him so much, I found one that may work that has less side effects.

And, thanks to Lori, I also was able to get his dr. to follow through on something he mentioned months ago but never did - test him for ADD/ADHD.  He has ADD.  No big shock there.  So HOPEFULLY those meds will help to.

So many meds.  It seems unnatural.  But living in an altered state of mind (when not on any drugs) is not natural either.  :(

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class Four

Its kind of hard to explain what we learned tonight - it was about the brain and how if functions.  It was interesting to actually see photos of what a normal brain looks like compared to a brain with schizophrenia. 

We learned about the genetic component and what the percentage risks are of inheriting the disease.

One thing I learned was that schizophrenia is not necessarily a life long disease, it can be treated and never come back after a few episodes.  Bi-polar, panic disorder, major deppresive disorder, etc. are lifelong and need to be medicated.

We learned how all the brain chemicals work and it totally made sense as to why certain meds help certain conditions.

What I personally walked away with tonight a big question:

If addiction is a disease why can't it be treated like panic disorder or bi-polar?  Why isn't there a drug to balance the chemicals in the brain of an addict?  I do believe that addiction is a disease (took me years to accept that but I finally do).  But IF its a disease then why can't it be treated like all other diseases?  Its just as serious, or more serious in many cases, than mental illnesses, where's the medication to help the alcoholic stop drinking or the heroin addict to be able to say no or the smoker to stop smoking?  So maybe its not a disease.  I am confused.  Oh well, its way too late to be thinking about this tonight.

Lets keep encouraging each other, I know a few people need some extra support right now.

P.S.  There is a new social networking site for young adults/teens with mental illness.  If you are interested let me know I will post the link.  I have not checked it out but the young woman that leads our class spoke highly of it.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

NAMI Class Three and Learning More About My Son

Tonight for the last half of our three hour meeting we went around the room and shared about our loved one and their diagnosis.  It was heart wrenching.  Several tears were shed.  I think in many ways its hardest for a spouse who's husband or wife becomes mentally ill in the middle of what was once a great marriage.  One woman shared that her 18 year old son has already determined that he will never have children in fear that he will pass his dad's bi-polar along to his own children, and he also lives in fear of it himself.

People throw around the term "bi-polar" likes its not that big of a deal, but for someone who has it or is living with someone who has it, its horrible.  I don't even want to list the things Kev has been diagnosed with.  Its funny, I have no problem sharing about his drug use, but still have a hard time even using the term "mental illness". 

When it was my turn to share I started with his mention of suicide at age 6.  My first warning sign.  I  also shared the worst night of my life (well one of them) which involved Keven in a wild and violent frame of mind, high on who-knows-what - I thought one of us was going to die that night.  I thought it would be him.  By some miracle, I talked him down and a few days later he was in rehab (the first of three times, the third time was Phoenix House and I am so THANKFUL for that place, I highly recommend it to anyone with addiction or dual diagnosis.)

Forgive the rambling way this post is written, I know its not composed very well but I just need to get it all out so I can sleep.

The very final person to share tonight was the man who leads our class.  I think quite a few of us cried during what he shared.  I'll just say this:  there is so much hope for people with mental illness that get help and keep taking their meds.  Some people have lived through nightmares are are living fulfilling lives today.

Lastly I will share something Keven said to me tonight.  He's been spending a lot of time with "Kelly", Anthony's girlfriend.  They have been close friends for years.  They went to an NA mtg. last night which brought up a lot of bad memories for him.  He told me about how he and Kelly would stay up all night shooting cocaine and how he'd come home to go to bed and lie in his bed and cry because his arms hurt so much and he felt so damn helpless like he would never be able to get off the coke and/or the heroin.  I can't tell you how grateful I am today to hear him talk about this stuff rather than live it...and I also ask myself "why didn't you do something sooner?  how could you be so blind?  what were you thinking?"

I'm still scared every day that he may break down and use.  I am not fooling myself that he's "better" but he has made tremendous strides and I am so proud of him.  I love him so much.  I am such an emotional wreck after hearing all those stories tonight....

I've been reading your blogs - the mix of good and bad news.  I'm so glad I have all of you to share with.  I know we've come to care a lot about each other and our children...and I am thankful for the people who read here just to be supportive, and those that are fighting addiction this very moment, or who have overcome it.  We're all in this world together and we need each other.  

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

1st Family to Family Meeting

Just got home from the NAMI meeting I wrote about yesterday.

Lots of hurting and confused families.  There were 25 people there representing about 12 different loved ones.  Most of the participants were there for their children (Keven being the youngest represented and the oldest being 58!  This very elderly lady was there to learn more about her 58 year old daughter's illness.)

I walked away with several things but I'll share the overwhelming feeling I have right now:

Gratefulness.

I am so thankful:

- that Keven wants to be well and willingly takes his meds (so far)
- for the Recovery Court program that recognized he deserved a chance and was a valuable human being rather than a criminal (all drug offenders deserve this!)
- that he has such a damn good psychiatrist that actually TALKS to him for a half hour each visit and has put him on the right meds
- that this meeting is one mile from my house!  Some people drove a long distance to get there, I lucked out

Two other things I learned: 

1)  Lithium works well for a lot of people but if you stop taking it and start again it loses its efficacy.   

2) It was easy to see who was angry, in denial, sad, frustrated and desperate, etc.  I guess I would fall into the category of being worried but hopeful.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

NAMI Family to Family Course

update:  
Please read the comments on this post, especially the one by Her Big Sad, it explains so much about why some people just can't stay off their drug of choice and end up in life cycle of misery.

Starting tomorrow night I will be participating in this 12 week course.  It was highly recommended to me by Kev's probation officer.  I'll be honest - coming to terms with his mental illness is in many ways harder than his drug addiction.  I get drug addiction.  But mental illness?  My kid?  Yet, it is what it is, I want to learn as much as I can. 

Here's the link for details if anyone is interested in learning more about it.

What does the course include?

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  Current information about schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and co-occurring brain disorders and addictive disorders
• Up-to-date information about medications, side effects, and strategies for medication adherence
  
• Current research related to the biology of brain disorders and the evidence-based, most effective treatments to promote recovery
  
• Gaining empathy by understanding the subjective, lived experience of a person with mental illness
  
• Learning in special workshops for problem solving, listening, and communication techniques
  
• Acquiring strategies for handling crises and relapse
  
• Focusing on care for the caregiver: coping with worry, stress, and emotional overload
  
• Guidance on locating appropriate supports and services within the community
  
• Information on advocacy initiatives designed to improve and expand services

How can I find a course in my area?Family-to-Family classes are offered in hundreds of communities across the country, in two Canadian provinces, Puerto Rico, and Mexico.