NAMI Family to Family Course

update:  
Please read the comments on this post, especially the one by Her Big Sad, it explains so much about why some people just can't stay off their drug of choice and end up in life cycle of misery.

Starting tomorrow night I will be participating in this 12 week course.  It was highly recommended to me by Kev's probation officer.  I'll be honest - coming to terms with his mental illness is in many ways harder than his drug addiction.  I get drug addiction.  But mental illness?  My kid?  Yet, it is what it is, I want to learn as much as I can. 

Here's the link for details if anyone is interested in learning more about it.

What does the course include?

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  Current information about schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and co-occurring brain disorders and addictive disorders
• Up-to-date information about medications, side effects, and strategies for medication adherence
  
• Current research related to the biology of brain disorders and the evidence-based, most effective treatments to promote recovery
  
• Gaining empathy by understanding the subjective, lived experience of a person with mental illness
  
• Learning in special workshops for problem solving, listening, and communication techniques
  
• Acquiring strategies for handling crises and relapse
  
• Focusing on care for the caregiver: coping with worry, stress, and emotional overload
  
• Guidance on locating appropriate supports and services within the community
  
• Information on advocacy initiatives designed to improve and expand services

How can I find a course in my area?Family-to-Family classes are offered in hundreds of communities across the country, in two Canadian provinces, Puerto Rico, and Mexico.

Who Is He?

I was talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone earlier and he asked how K was.  He made a remark about how poorly K had treated me in the past, the mean and hurtful things he had said to me at times.  I was taken aback for a moment because I have not thought about that at all recently.  

K has been polite, considerate, slightly affectionate, agreeable.  I blame it on the drugs!  (the medications he's on not the illegal kind).  But seriously, he is not the same young man who was so angry and prone to outbursts of rage.

Who is this young man?  What is my son really like?  

I'd say the last two years have been so drug-infused that its impossible to separate who he really is from who the drugs created him to be.  During the time he should have been maturing and developing into an adult, he was numbing himself and running from reality.

The last six months have been drug free.  90 days in jail.  90 days in rehab, the last 45 days seeing a GOOD doctor that is monitoring his medications closely and actually spends time talking to him instead of pushing pills at him like the last one.  

I don't know if K knows himself right now.  I think he's gained confidence, has some hope, has learned tools for recovery and has a calmness he's never had before.  I guess I'll have to patiently wait and see who emerges as time goes on.  I know the meds are keeping his true self to emerge,  but, without them, he would not even have the opportunity to get this far.  I believe he would not have been around much longer living in his previous state of mind and living that lifestyle.

No matter what, I could not possibly love him any more, or any less, than I always have and always will.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara


(Painting by Jim Dandy)

Deja Vu - Sort of

I don't have the energy to say too much at the moment so I'll keep it short.

He's back in the hospital, which is where he was a year ago on 12/29/08.

I want him to get on the right meds in the right doses. 

PH is going to discharge him but HOPEFULLY they have a bed open for him in a few days when he gets out.

I'm So Worried

Well, just got a call from one of K's friends.  He tried to convince her to go pick him up because he wants to leave...he's in another anxiety attack.  She talked him out of it (I hope to God) and promised not to tell me - then she called me.  I am glad she called but I feel SICK with worry.  I am suppose to pick him up at 8:30 am tomorrow for a probation visit.

Why would he be doing so good, so content and then go the extreme opposite so quickly?

I really don't know how some of you parents that have been dealing with this for years have survived.  I feel like throwing up.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Anxiety - Thank You - Retrospect

Saw K today and its almost unbearable to see him in the stages of anxiety.  I can see it in his eyes, his breathing, his behavior.  He was able to talk more about it today, which really helps him.  He also told me it helps to talk about his "drug stories" because it takes the edge off wanting to use (I knew this because he sometimes tells me stories I rather not hear).  He doesn't talk about drugs (specifically)  in group because it triggers people, so one guy there, that doesn't have a drug problem, offered to let K share his stories with him.  K says its been a huge help to him to get it "out of his head".

I hate that he needs to be medicated just to get through life, but what alternative is there?  Life is hard enough as it is, why do some people have so much more to deal with?  Why do some people seem to be "okay".  Is anyone really "okay"?  

Thanks for the nice comments about the interview I did with Alltreatment.com.  I had never done anything like that before so it felt a bit vulnerable.  Speaking of that - I also appreciated the comments on the story I re-told about what happened last year at this time.  Its interesting to write something the day it happens, then write about it again a year later with retrospect.  I have a few more stories like that to share in the next few weeks.  Dec/Jan were like a nightmare last year.

Sometimes I feel like I should NOT be sharing all this, that its too personal, that it could possibly hurt K in some way at some time.  But when I get an email or a comment that says "thanks, what you said helped me" I know that its the right thing to do and K would agree.  Amidst all his "issues" he is very compassionate and empathetic towards others and likes knowing that some good can can come from something so dark.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

If I can diagnose him, why can't anyone else?  What's it going to take?  How many times does he have to go to jail or the psych ward?  I am getting him yet another new doctor that will take his illness seriously and give him a chance to survive life outside in the normal world.

The attack he had last night was so bad that they thought he was having an epileptic seizure.  No - that's what my son goes through, that's his panic attack.  He lives in fear of them and discovered that the only cure is being high on some form of opiate or benzos.

My personal conclusion is (and no, I am not putting all the blame on doctors but it does diappoint me that I have been pursuing mental health for him for over half his life and yet no one has been able to help us .... yet)

he became addicted to the drugs he uses because he had to self-medicate   None of the psychiatrists he's seen since age 9 has properly diagnosed this issue so he when he discovered something that worked,  Oxy, Xanax, Heroin....he kept using till he got addicted and now he's a felon .  My hope is that he lives to see his 19th birthday which is MONDAY.

This is all from a long article, the whole thing is HERE.   I'm frustrated, angry and feel helpless.

Studies find that people with constant levels of high anxiety stay on guard and “wired” for possible threats in their environment or in a situation, even when told or they know that the situation is non-threatening. A person with anxiety is always on edge, tense, and has a hard time calming their inner self. So while they may appear calm on the outside, on the inside they remain a bundle of nerves, easily set off, scared or startled.

Panic Disorder:


According to the American Psychological Association, each panic attack peaks within about 10 minutes. Sometimes attacks repeat in clusters for up to an hour after the initial attack, with associated fear over the possibility of another attack. Subsequent attacks may occur days and even weeks later.
This element of fearfulness is called anticipatory anxiety. People fear having another attack while performing the same activity or being in the same situation as when a previous attack occurred. Anticipatory anxiety can be so extreme that people turn away from the outside world for fear that another attack will be set off.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), panic disorder can also happen with other disorders. Depression and substance abuse commonly occur simultaneously with panic disorder.

About 30 percent of people with panic disorder abuse alcohol and 17 percent abuse drugs, such as cocaine and marijuana. This drug abuse can be attributed to unsuccessful attempts by a person with panic disorder to alleviate the anguish and distress caused by his condition.

Symptoms of Panic Disorder

If not recognized and treated, panic disorder can be devastating because it can interfere with relationships, schoolwork, employment and normal development. It is not uncommon for a person with panic disorder to experience an anxious feeling even between attacks. People with panic disorder will begin to avoid situations where they fear an attack may occur or situations where help might not be available. This happens with both adults and children with panic disorder.

1. Are you troubled by repeated and unexpected “attacks” of intense fear or discomfort for no apparent reason? YES
2. During such attacks, do you experience at least four of the following symptoms? YES to  ALL
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • pounding heart
   • sweating
   • trembling or shaking
   • shortness of breath
   • choking
   • chest pain
   • nausea or abdominal discomfort
   • “jelly” legs
   • dizziness
   • a feeling of unreality or being detached from yourself
   • fear of losing control
   • going crazy
   • fear of dying
   • numbness or tingling sensations or chills or hot flashes
   
   
   
3. Do you have a fear of places or situations where escape or getting help might be difficult, such as a crowded room or traffic jam?YES
4. Do you have a fear of being unable to travel without a companion?  No
   
5. For at least one month following an attack, have you felt persistent:YES (always)
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • concern about having another attack?
   • worry about going crazy?
   • need to change your behavior to accommodate the attack?
   
   
   

In summary, panic disorder results from having panic attacks. Panic attacks are episodes that come “out of the blue.” They peak within a few minutes and cause feelings of terror and alarming physical symptoms.

People often are convinced during the attack that they are dying and describe a panic attack as the most distressing experience that they have ever had. As a natural response, people dread the next attack and often avoid places or situations where they have had panic attacks.**

**Or start using drugs to avoid them.  If a doctor would give him something to help maybe he could stay away from the illegal, addictive shit and have a chance at life.  :(

K Is Worried about Relapse

commonly known as "footballs" or "bars" in drug slang

He called again today and we had a bit of an argument over the phone. I brought up what changes will be made when he gets home and he got mad that I was talking about unpleasant things - he said his aunt never does that to him when she talks to him in jail. I said....I'm your MOTHER and this stuff needs to be discussed.

We also talked about his fears. He said he wants to get back on Suboxone and stay on it. He said he never realized how hard it would be to quit heroin or he never would have started. He said he was nervous because he used just three days after getting out last time (a 22 day stay).

He said, "Mom, if you catch me using I want you to send me to rehab."

I said, sure, but I would have to kick him out first because the only rehab i can afford is the cheap one for homeless people. He agreed to be homeless because he doesn't want to live this life.

What scares me is that I see how easily this COULD become his life....in and out of jail, on and off drugs....for years. I don't want that for my son. And I don't want it for me either.

So, he's already nervous that he will use. I told him the no friends rule, the no doorknob rule, etc. He was pissed off.

He also told me the reason he started using drugs was because of his life-long paranoia and anxiety, and no, he's not playing me when he says that. From a very early age (5) he has suffered from depression and anxiety. I waited till he was 8 to take him to a psychiatrist because I refused to believe there could be something mentally wrong with him. He went on and off anti-depressants and it helped (I take them daily).

But he's always been very anxious and had lots of unwarranted fears. He said that the drugs helped him with that, except for weed and coke which made it worse. But he loved Xanax and opiates for the relief it gave him. (yeah, it knocks you out so your not even aware of life, can't feel anxious if your not even able to stay awake...)

So I don't know if he has something wrong that needs to be addressed. I have spent thousands of dollars over the years for different doctors trying to find help for him (counseling and meds). I will take him back to our WONDERFUL doctor, Dr. Yang, for advice and Suboxone. Dr. Yang specializes in addiction but is a general MD as well as having a background in counseling. K loves him and so do I.

Ok. I just had to get this out. Now, I need to go to bed.