Blogging Has Changed for Me

This morning I'm trying to catch up on blogs.  Its amazing to me that I used to keep up with over 100 blogs.  Now I read only the addiction related blogs plus a few that are very special to me for one reason or another (Erin, Bob, Joey, Linda, Iris, Shawna, Seano and Nikole).  Occasionally I get to read some of my other favorites (Max, Joe, Amber, Lilo, Dana, Deb) and a few music blogs, but I don't even comment most of the time.

I just don't have the emotional energy I used to.  Sad, but true.  I'm not the person I was once and that person is gone forever.  At least a part of her is.  As I said in a comment to "There is No Hero in Heroin":

I try to fool myself sometimes thinking there is an end in site…I’ve witnessed a few success stories and know that its possible. But like my son always reminds me – he meets lots of “old addicts” in jail and rehab and at meetings, but there are few old heroin addicts. My boy is in jail right now too. I am enjoying the peace and wondering what will happen next. I sat across from him yesterday, he looked so healthy, clean, handsome and hopeful. My boy. My only child. He’s never made it longer than three months in the last three years (I thought he made it nine months once but found out that was a lie). Part of me died when all this began. It was the part that held hope, experienced pure joy, and felt real peace at times. It will never come back and I’ve accepted that. I will settle for occasional hope filtered through reality, joyful moments and peace when I know for a fact he’s safe and clean (which as you know is rare).

Also, I've noticed that a lot of people that used to blog have quit. I think blogging has become less popular since the immense rise in FB users. Those of us who still blog seem to do so for one of two (or both of these) reasons:

- writing is in our soul
- we are passionate about something, so we write about it

I guess I fall into both categories.

What is my point? I don't know, this is just what came out when I sat down in front of the keyboard. I suppose my point is that addiction infiltrated my life and everything has been affected, my health, my peace of mind, my relationships, my finances, my social life and even my writing.

Two AA Slogans for today:

"We aren't bad people trying to get good.
We're sick people trying to get well."

"The disease is progressive.
So is recovery. "

I need to remember that Keven has a disease, a disease without a cure. He can control his disease but it will never go away completely. Accepting that is the hardest part of all this. Even after all the knowledge I've gained on this topic - I still want to BELIEVE that some day he will just be "all better". But like cancer, it can come back at any time. Recovery is a PROCESS not a one time (or two, tree, ten....) time incident. 

 Progress - not perfection. Right.  I'll take what I can get and keep hoping for the best.  Deep sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara