Goodbye Heroin Letter

Today I was going to write about my son's "love affair" with heroin.  Then I saw this letter which was published by this girl's parents after she died, only a month after writing it.  The article about it is  here.

When Keven talks about heroin, its as if he's talking about an old friend, or a lost love that he misses.  Hearing him talk that way concerns me, but it also helps me understand a bit more of what he's fighting against. This letter says so much.  I am so sorry this young woman lost the battle.  How many more will die?  I can't stand it.  Something has to change.

Question:  Do you think if teens were to read a letter like this one that it would stop them from trying it that first time?

Hannah

Goodbye Heroin, by 17-year-old Hannah Meredith.

 Dear Heroin,

I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, made me steal from my family, on probation 'cause of you, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye.
I'm so ashamed of myself 'cause of you. I OD three times, you're a big risk to anyone that does it and to me.
So I'm going to be strong and stay away from you and never touch you again. My family have supported me all the way but I just kick them up the backside taking advantage of them.
Stole off my mother, granddad, Mam Iscoed. I borrowed money off her and didn't give it back. She's getting old now, and look what you've made me do, my nan — £120 stolen off her, once again 'cause of you.
I love my family from the bottom of my heart, it's not nice being called a junkie or smacked.
It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small, you made me feel like I'm worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.
You're out of my life now, don't need you no more. Yeah, you've messed me up nearly two and a half years of my life but I've still got my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you, going to college, getting a job and a car.
Then get on with my life and get my family's trust back. Stop offending, that's the only reason I was doing all that 'cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you.
I did love the buzz of you but you're not worth it. By losing my family, thinking about you p****s me off.
But not anymore, I'll make sure you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you.
I was brought up by a good family not a bad one, yeah I've had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you (Heroin) (gear), (smack)!!
You're a killer, you've killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I'm lucky that you haven't put me in a box cemetery. Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me 'cause they know I've been on you (gear) it's not nice when I've got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks.
The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking (corr), withdrawals, it's the worst feeling that you've put me through, being bad off you.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Well guess what (heroin) I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin.
Never again. Family comes first.
Hannah Meredith

Another Young Man Died

Someone Kev knew from Jr. High through High School passed away on Christmas.  He was a very athletic kid, seriously into BMX.  Because of all the injuries acquired in this sport, he was prescribed pain killers.  He got addicted.  He overdosed on Opana.  He fell asleep and never woke up.  What a tragic death, and can you imagine - going to wake your son on Christmas morning and finding him dead?

When will doctors learn how dangerous it is to prescribe opiates of any kind?  When will pharmaceutical companies, who seem to have a pill for everything, come up with an alternative to these addictive killers?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Still Miss Him

36 years ago today I lost my father to cancer.  I was 15 at the time, my brother 12 and my sister 10.  I had to grow up fast after that.  We still refer to him as "Daddy" because we never stopped calling him that.

His last months were very sad and traumatic.  They did things a lot differently back then.  He had several very invasive surgery's removing a lung, a kidney....I don't like to think about it.

He was a good father.  He was a blue collar worker that worked 60 hours a week to support us.  Every summer he'd take two weeks off and we'd have a family vacation - often driving to Minnesota, South Dakota, Maine - and once to the very tip of Mexico.

He was a WWII Vet and was a Paratrooper Medic at the Battle of Bastogne (I have the plaque they gave him).  He LOVED his mother, his wife, his children.  We had a very special bond - he had hoped for a daughter as his first born and got me :)

My love for music is because of my dad.  Our weekly ritual was to watch the Ed Sullivan Show together and I can remember seeing the first performance by The Beatles and even at the tender age of four, I was hooked!

I still miss him.  I wonder how my life would have been different if he had lived longer.  Would I have been the promiscuous party girl I was in my teens/early 20's?  I think having him around would have made me more stable, but I could be wrong.  Would I have met and married a nice man and had several kids?  Would I have gone to college?  What would Keven be like if he had Grandpa Gerald in his life?  Can the presence of a loving father/grandfather really make a difference?

At the time of his death I shut down emotionally.  I refused to grieve.  I had a traumatic incident happen the day of his funeral that still hurts me to this day (although I've forgiven the people involved).  I chose to stay stoned (smoked pot) every day for at least a year after he died.  So I do understand why some addicts use, it does ease the pain.  But luckily I got sick of it and just quit one day.

I do remember having one breakdown shortly after his death.  I was in Health Class and my teacher was Coach H., a popular football coach who had a daughter my age that also went to my HS.  I'm not sure what he said in class but it touched me and opened a wound and after the bell rang and the classroom emptied, I was still sitting stuck in my chair unable to move.  He asked if I was okay and I broke down crying.  I'll never forget the look on his face, he didn't know what to do.  I think he wanted to hug me but knew he couldn't.  He may have patted my shoulder.  I was crying because I wanted a father, I wanted my father but since he was gone, I wanted Coach H to be my father.  Weird, huh?  It was very embarrassing for both of us so I pulled it together and left.

I don't have a lot of pictures of my dad, he was always behind the camera.  I look like him, like his side of the family, and I think Keven does too.  This is the last pic we have of him with us kids:

Thanks for letting me share!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another Lost Friend

I went to visit both my guys today.  I saw Anthony first and we had a wonderful visit, but he did have some bad news:  one of his friends died recently of an OD.  They had seen each other just days before Ant got arrested.

Then I asked Keven if he knew the young man, and he said yes he knew him too.  In fact one of Keven's friends at rehab was really good friends with this kid so Keven told him and he broke down crying.  He got out his iPod and showed us a bunch of pictures of them.

My heart is breaking for his parents.  I don't know them personally, but yet, we all know them don't we?  They are us.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Russell Brand's Letter to Amy Winehouse

Several people pointed this letter out to me today.  Whether or not you're a fan of Russell, he knows about addiction - he was addicted to heroin and used it daily for 11 years.  He was able to stop.  Some of us can directly relate to his words, others, I hope will never have to experience what's its like to love an addict.  But I think it helps to understand, and he describes it eloquently.

I'll share the main points here, if you'd like to read it in it's entirety, you can read it here.

The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.

When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they've had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone.  It is impossible to intervene.


Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they’re not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil. 


Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12 I found recovery, through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive.

All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalisation doesn’t even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another one...

Warning:  If you are in a joyful holiday mood, save reading this for another day (or never) its not pleasant, but it is important.

In the last few months there have been several deaths in our little circle of people we (Keven and me) know.

Last night at Family Group ANOTHER one was announced.

3 from Cornerstone
2 of Kelsey's friends
1 of Keven's old buddies
1 of Keven's good friends

That's deaths that I have personally heard about...just one person heard of 7 deaths in the last few months.

The latest one, a guy from Cornerstone, may have intentionally overdosed according to Keven which I am sure is a rumor going around.  No one will ever know, and does it matter?

In two weeks Anthony is coming home.  Thankfully his grandmother is letting him live with her for a month because there is no way I want him here - we are coveting our peace and quiet.

I am afraid for Anthony.  He's NEVER made it.

Do you remember what was happening last January?

He was out of jail for ELEVEN days, used at his sober living home and ended up on LIFE SUPPORT!

Once he was better he went to another rehab and somehow from there he got busted again and was sent to prison for _______ months, which equals TEN MONTHS time served.

He told his gf that the first thing he wants to do is go to a meeting.  That sounds great.  I hope he does something different because I think he's living on borrowed time as it is, he's not going to have many more chances and he will end up dead...like his mother :(





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Hitting Bottom is Death for Some Addicts...

Today was the second day in a row that I witnessed Keven smile and laugh and did not see the "dark side".  He's at a meeting right now (they meet at picnic tables on the beach....nice!)

I am not thinking about what tomorrow may bring, I am just thankful that this ONE DAY was good.  As was yesterday.  That makes two days in a row...but the point is you can get caught up in the numbers and lose site of rejoicing in the ONE DAY.

In other news:  Kelly was over here last night, her mom dropped her off so she could visit me.  It was very sad.  She was so despondent, feeling so defeated, so mad at herself.  Her parents wanted to send her to Salvation Army but I think they are going to wait to see what happens in court and hope and pray for a drug ordered court program, hopefully PHOENIX HOUSE!

I told her it would be worth it to wait in jail for a bed to open and I think she would be willing to do that.  She is as thin as a rail when she's not using...yesterday I hugged her and wanted to cry.  She's also so beautiful (aren't they all?  youth is beautiful when its not tainted with drugs).

She said she wished there was some place on earth that she could go that there was no access to drugs.  But that place doesn't exist.  Its in jail and rehabs, small towns, suburbs, big cities, out in the boondocks.

My heart hurts for her because she's been doing this back and forth thing for years.  She had all my empathy until she started making excuses for WHY she started using again, she was lonely, she missed Ant.  Then I find out (from her) that Ant started using it in prison when he heard she was out here using it.  GEEZ!  I know how hard it is to stop when its calling your name night and day, but sometimes I think they look for reasons .... or am I just being really callous today?

I guess I wanted her to say "I need help, I surrender, I can't do it on my own, I've tried."

It seems like there are different types of addicts:  those who sincerely want to stop, those who sincerely wish they wanted to stop, and those who know they do not want to stop.

I think I am finally able to tell the difference when an addict really  wants sobriety and when they say they do but have no real intention of quitting.

I think I can finally recognize pure bullshit even when said with a straight face, perhaps even a few tears.  You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice:

defiant
defensive
in denial

The thing is, they flop back and forth so easily.

I think I've become less empathetic recently.  Kind of like I am worn out from it all.  I have to pick and choose who to invest my emotions in.  Its horrible to say this, but I have least hope for Anthony.  He's been doing this for seven years now and those of you who have read here for five months or more know he was "this close" to death in January.  I guess technically he was dead because a machine was keeping him alive.  That didn't phase him.

Neither did losing his mother when he was 14.

Anthony's mother died because of meth.  She chose that life.  She was never able to stop.  Having her two sons taken from her, having 80% of her body burned in a meth lab explosion, living on the street - NONE OF THAT was her "bottom".  Her bottom was death.  I have to face the fact sometimes that's how the story ends.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Family to Family Course

update:  
Please read the comments on this post, especially the one by Her Big Sad, it explains so much about why some people just can't stay off their drug of choice and end up in life cycle of misery.

Starting tomorrow night I will be participating in this 12 week course.  It was highly recommended to me by Kev's probation officer.  I'll be honest - coming to terms with his mental illness is in many ways harder than his drug addiction.  I get drug addiction.  But mental illness?  My kid?  Yet, it is what it is, I want to learn as much as I can. 

Here's the link for details if anyone is interested in learning more about it.

What does the course include?

• 
  
  
  
  Current information about schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and co-occurring brain disorders and addictive disorders
• Up-to-date information about medications, side effects, and strategies for medication adherence
  
• Current research related to the biology of brain disorders and the evidence-based, most effective treatments to promote recovery
  
• Gaining empathy by understanding the subjective, lived experience of a person with mental illness
  
• Learning in special workshops for problem solving, listening, and communication techniques
  
• Acquiring strategies for handling crises and relapse
  
• Focusing on care for the caregiver: coping with worry, stress, and emotional overload
  
• Guidance on locating appropriate supports and services within the community
  
• Information on advocacy initiatives designed to improve and expand services

How can I find a course in my area?Family-to-Family classes are offered in hundreds of communities across the country, in two Canadian provinces, Puerto Rico, and Mexico.

A Depressing but Real Story

I found this article linked over at Dad on Fire and read every word, the young man in the article reminds me of a combination of Anthony and Kev:  Ant the hugger, the one trying to save everyone else; Kev the giver, the one who can't pass a panhandler without giving something.  

Its a sad article but I need reality:

“He wanted to help everybody,” said his mother. “He wanted to save everybody.”
For three years after attending the wake for Brockton’s Shannah Duggan, Pacheco tried to save himself, waging a furious fight to keep the promise to his mother.

Nine times he admitted himself to a treatment facility, often spending days trying to find a bed. Once, he had himself imprisoned in a desperate attempt to break the drug’s hold.

He tried anti-addiction medications, substitutes, therapy, counseling — anything that offered a hint of hope. And he shared his pain, seeking help from family, friends, priests, workmates, strangers, counselors, judges, doctors and God.

But on Aug. 9, 2008, after staying off heroin for two years, Pacheco relapsed, overdosed and died."

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

82 Days Clean

K's been incarcerated for 82 days.  I like to look at it as "82 days clean and sober".  I wonder if he would have got this far if he weren't in jail.  I honestly doubt it.  The longest he'd gone before was 30 days.

The last time he was in jail (22 days) he used three days after getting out.

And the wonderful thing is...he goes straight into court ordered rehab.  That means if he messes up (tests dirty or violates probation in any way) he goes straight back to jail.

Never in a million years could you have convinced me that I would find such a sense of relief for my only child to be in jail, but I am grateful.  The way he was living, the alternative would have been the cemetery.

Of course that cycle could easily start again, but I am celebrating the positive until I have a reason not to.

Our Children Are Alive...

I just woke from a terrible nightmare, I literally woke myself by yelling "what are you doing!"  It was a dream about finding a message on K's cell phone from his dealer saying to come and pick up some drugs.  It was only a dream...

Then I checked my email and received one from a mother who lives near me who lost her 24 year old daughter to heroin three  years ago.  Lost...gone forever...

I'm not sure what to do, but I have to do something.  Something has to change.  Since finding out about K's drug use a year ago I've met so many of "us", parents that live in fear of what this dear woman who wrote me is living.

Obviously our government does not give a damn that tons of this crap (90% is coming from Afghanistan, the rest is from either Mexico, South America or Southeast Asia) coming into our country.  If it was not HERE they could not get addicted.  Sure, they could still find another drug of choice but none of them are as dangerous as heroin.

Teaching our kids not to use drugs obviously does not work.  Raising them right and loving them doesn't make a difference, at least not for all children.  How many of us have thought "it will never happen to my kid" or "My son/daughter knows the dangers of drugs and would never try them", etc. etc.  I THOUGHT THAT TOO.

I'm sorry.  I am just so upset about all this right now.  I want to DO SOMETHING.  I am tired of hearing heartbreaking stories as I helplessly sit by and watch more lives ruined and destroyed.

I think my nightmare was so upsetting because I know that there is a very strong chance K will go back to using eventually.  It just seems to be the way most heroin users finally stop....jail or death.   I will not give up hope that our kids can beat the odds, but the reality of the statistics are frightening.