I Know You're Out There - We Need Each Other

I've often "felt" the thoughts and prayers of the people who read here. I was just at Ron's blog and read one word "speedballing" and literally my stomach feels like someone kicked me.

The first time I learned about speedballing was while standing in the principal's office of Keven's school with a cop listening to my high son tell me what he'd been up to the last few months...(Dec. 19, 2008 at 12:45 pm - a moment frozen in time for me).

If you don't know what it is, one word: DANGEROUS. Its injecting heroin and cocaine together in same syringe.

Also at this moment, I feel a connection with all of you. I know I am not the only parent sitting here with a tear in her eye, a fear in her heart, a pain in her stomach, crying out "please HELP Alex!"

My greatest fears in life are losing my son or finding out one of your loved ones ... I can't even say it. Damn it to hell. I am so pissed off right now.

This is not what I intended to write tonight. I just had to get it out.

HOW DO WE PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING TO OTHER FAMILIES?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

New Recovery Site and Antoher Installment of "A Year Ago Today"

Tom at RecoveryHelpDesk has launched a new site, I've joined and hope some of you do too.  Tom is a certified alcohol and drug counselor with many years experience.  I respect his philopsophy and have learned a lot from him.  The site he started is a place to learn and discuss, its called "junkjunk".

New Opiate Recovery Social Networking Site Launched:

junkjunk! is a new social networking site for people living with and seeking to overcome opiate dependence, their families and friends.
You can find it at junkjunk.ning.com
It’s free to join and all are welcome.

A Year Ago Today, Part Five (actually this happened a  year ago on Jan. 6)

Was he dead or alive?  It was the longest night of my life, asking this question over and over.

K had been home from the hospital (suicide attempt) for only five days and already some of his old drug friends  had come by.  This was back in the day when I still believed some of his lies and allowed him to manipulate or threaten me so he'd get his way.  Since I felt he was in a "fragile" state of mind, I allowed him to use my car at 8 pm to drive to his girlfriends to "say goodnight to her" since he hadn't seen her all day (she'd been at work).

The gf, "C" was not a drug user.  She had visited K in the hospital with me and I got to know her pretty well since we  had long drives there and back several days in a row.   So when she called me at 10 to ask if K was home, we both freaked.  He was suppose to be with her.  He lied to me.  He was out using drugs.

Long story short from 10 pm - 8 am the next morning I was either sitting in the front window hoping and praying he'd show up or driving around town with "C" on the cell phone giving me directions to every friend she knew of K's that did drugs.  I actually did catch a glimpse of my car at about 3 am but couldn't follow it so gave up and went home.

At 8 am he pulled up in front of the house.  I had his jacket in my hands and met him at my car.  "You're going to rehab right NOW!"

"I know mom, I need to."

I took him to South Coast Hospital ER, they had a drug program.  He'd been shooting coke/heroin all night and he was a mess.  They immediately gave him something to calm him down.  It was our first very expensive attempt at rehab and he lasted in there for five days.  I learned the three C's from a meeting there:  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. 

It was one of the worst nights I've ever had and I will never forget wondering if he was dead or alive.  I really thought I had lost him.