Update on Anthony and Kelsey plus another item for the "DOH!" file

Anthony has been writing me a lot since he was put back in a two-man cell for 23 hours a day.  His letters are always positive, honest and grateful.

He also wrote Keven and since the letter was in the same envelope as mine I read it.  He told him how HUGE he's getting from working out all the time (he has the body type that puts on muscle just by looking at a barbell, and Keven has been working out at the gym for months and still isn't all that defined....)

He told Keven that if he's using they can't be friends cause he's "done'.  Well, I've heard this before and I will believe it when I see it.  I hope its true.

He says he's NOT going to do dope in prison anymore, his "clean date" is June 11.  It still burns me up that heroin is so readily available in there!

I surprised Kelsey today by stopping by her rehab for a quick visit.  I brought her some letters from Anthony and a pack of cigs.  She looked really good and was her usual hyper talkative self.  I got a great hug, she's such a thin girl, but she looked healthy thin not druggie thin (big difference).

In other news - my son used my credit card to buy clothes, food and get a piercing.  I gave him my credit card months ago to use for GAS only.  He used it for gas only.  I was so proud of him.

But then I had to have a new card issued and decided to get his name on it in case he ever needed it in an emergency (how stupid of me, it was like handing him a wad of cash and saying "don 't spend it).

Here I am thinking he was being responsible with my credit card but really he was only fearful of using it because it had my name on it.  The second he could get away with using if for other items he did.

Needless to say he no longer has the card, in fact I closed the account.

Another lesson learned the hard way by me.  DOH!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Kelly Update

I wasn't going to write today, I want to spend my time on-line getting caught up with each of you.  Even if I don't comment, I am reading!  I'm just super tired today.

Yet, I am writing because Keven just told me the latest.  Keep in mind that Kelly's parents have kept her with them for days without letting her out of site.  The goal was to keep her clean until her court date (tomorrow) then ask the court to put her in rehab.

Last night they left her alone to attend a very important event in her younger brother's life (I feel sorry for the siblings of addicts).  She somehow convinced her parents that there was an NA meeting at the local church and had them drop her off there, so they felt that she would be okay for a few hours.

Sigh.  Long story short - she called Keven in hysterics cause she used with a girl and the girl passed out and she was alone and afraid.  Keven was at an NA meeting but left to pick her up, then brought her back to the meeting with him and about ten people talked with her.  From there he brought her home to her parents.

It never ends does it?  She was not dope sick, she just wanted to get high and the second the opportunity presented itself, she did.  This is not shocking this is normal addict behavior, but its still baffles my mind.

I'll call her mom later to see what's going on.

Does it ever stop hurting to see these young people ruining their lives?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Hitting Bottom is Death for Some Addicts...

Today was the second day in a row that I witnessed Keven smile and laugh and did not see the "dark side".  He's at a meeting right now (they meet at picnic tables on the beach....nice!)

I am not thinking about what tomorrow may bring, I am just thankful that this ONE DAY was good.  As was yesterday.  That makes two days in a row...but the point is you can get caught up in the numbers and lose site of rejoicing in the ONE DAY.

In other news:  Kelly was over here last night, her mom dropped her off so she could visit me.  It was very sad.  She was so despondent, feeling so defeated, so mad at herself.  Her parents wanted to send her to Salvation Army but I think they are going to wait to see what happens in court and hope and pray for a drug ordered court program, hopefully PHOENIX HOUSE!

I told her it would be worth it to wait in jail for a bed to open and I think she would be willing to do that.  She is as thin as a rail when she's not using...yesterday I hugged her and wanted to cry.  She's also so beautiful (aren't they all?  youth is beautiful when its not tainted with drugs).

She said she wished there was some place on earth that she could go that there was no access to drugs.  But that place doesn't exist.  Its in jail and rehabs, small towns, suburbs, big cities, out in the boondocks.

My heart hurts for her because she's been doing this back and forth thing for years.  She had all my empathy until she started making excuses for WHY she started using again, she was lonely, she missed Ant.  Then I find out (from her) that Ant started using it in prison when he heard she was out here using it.  GEEZ!  I know how hard it is to stop when its calling your name night and day, but sometimes I think they look for reasons .... or am I just being really callous today?

I guess I wanted her to say "I need help, I surrender, I can't do it on my own, I've tried."

It seems like there are different types of addicts:  those who sincerely want to stop, those who sincerely wish they wanted to stop, and those who know they do not want to stop.

I think I am finally able to tell the difference when an addict really  wants sobriety and when they say they do but have no real intention of quitting.

I think I can finally recognize pure bullshit even when said with a straight face, perhaps even a few tears.  You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice:

defiant
defensive
in denial

The thing is, they flop back and forth so easily.

I think I've become less empathetic recently.  Kind of like I am worn out from it all.  I have to pick and choose who to invest my emotions in.  Its horrible to say this, but I have least hope for Anthony.  He's been doing this for seven years now and those of you who have read here for five months or more know he was "this close" to death in January.  I guess technically he was dead because a machine was keeping him alive.  That didn't phase him.

Neither did losing his mother when he was 14.

Anthony's mother died because of meth.  She chose that life.  She was never able to stop.  Having her two sons taken from her, having 80% of her body burned in a meth lab explosion, living on the street - NONE OF THAT was her "bottom".  Her bottom was death.  I have to face the fact sometimes that's how the story ends.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Good News / Bad News

I'll get the bad news out of the way first.


Just received a call from "Kelly", she was in the hospital as a result of an OD.  She is fine physically but in a lot of trouble legally and obviously because of her addiction.  I had distanced myself from her this week because I knew she was using and didn't want her around my home (still talked to her daily by phone).  So I can't say I was surprised.


What really looks bad for her is that she was at court this morning for a possession of paraphernalia charge (she got it with Anthony - remember back when he was chased down by a K-9 patrol dog? She was driving the car that day).  So when she goes to court for this new charge, the judge will see that immediately upon leaving the court today she went and bought and used heroin.  She will most likely face some jail time.  I kind of hope she gets some time followed by a court ordered rehab.  She may lose a job she loves (groomer at a pet store) and fall behind in college, but if that's what it takes, so be it. Nothing else has worked so far.


She was crying to me because her dad said "You don't love me!" when she called her parents.  I explained to her that if feels that way to a parent.  We had a good talk.  Of course she swears that it was the "last time".  Sigh.  Keven just shook his head and said "Mom, I really mean it when I say I am never going to use again."  Dear God, I want to believe that with all my heart - and I do.  Time will tell.


Now for the GOOD news:


Guess who got a job today after 10 months of unemployment?  ME!  And not just any old job, a job working for a friend who I have wanted to work with for YEARS.  Its part time and I will work partly from home.  I will write more about it on my other blog if anyone is interested.  I am STOKED.   Now I can actually pay for my own lunch when I go out with my girls every Friday, I can pay my bills, I can put gas in my car!  I will still have to live very, very frugally but I've got that down to a science after the last ten months :)


I am celebrating by having a Starbucks after work with my friend Lauren, I know...pretty wild, huh?  But for me, its wild enough!  No more drama!




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara