Happy Birthday, Anthony

I never imagined I'd be adopted by one of Keven's friends; and for all the trouble/heartache  he's caused me, I never imagined I'd be so happy to have Anthony in my life.  But I am.

Today he is 24  years old and on a great path of recovery and spiritualtiy.  I'm so proud of him and excited for his future.  Sure, things could crash and burn, but the changes are so evident and so real, I think he's "done" for good.

He has a four year old son that barely knows him and he is determined to be a good father to him starting now, since he messed up for the last 4 years.

(that reminds me, he found out the other day that his father is getting a life sentence, which he deserves, imo)

So happy birthday, dear Anthony.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Not so great day

I'm exhausted.

Keven asked me if I could pick him and his gf up for his day pass, so I did and they hung out over here most of the day then went out to lunch.  While he was gone, Anthony called with good news - a bed finally opened for him at the Detox located in the adjacent rehab that Kev is in.  To make a long story short, I ended up doing his laundry for him and bringing it up there.  He's been homeless for a month, so I felt doing his laundry was a nice gesture.  So I sat there while they did his paperwork, I'm his emergency contact, he introduced me as his mom.  I hope he does it this time but I've learned better than to get my hopes too high where he's concerned.

He has such a sweet baby face.  I could see the desperation in his eyes.  He said he really wants this.  I hope so.

So then I drove back here, stopped for gas and (don't laugh!) drove off with the nozzle still in my gas tank!  I ripped it off the pump.  I stopped my car and set it aside and looked around (knowing I'd have to pay for it) no one saw me.  I decided to be honest anyhow.  $194.00!

Then I came home to let the dogs out before I went to my brother's for a BBQ and ended up letting one of the cats house.  So now I am sitting here hoping he comes back in.  No BBQ for me.  Can't leave with Black Jack on the loose.

I just want to go to sleep.  Keven seemed good, and now maybe Ant will get some help (they kept calling him Tony and I was wondering who the heck Tony was!).  They probably won't see each other much, and I'm not too worried about that.

I just needed to vent.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Ant and Kev Updates and question on "Clean Dates"

Anthony is still in my life, though he's not in Keven's.  I talk to him a couple times a week and sometimes he comes over to grab a bite to eat or something like that.  The other night he was here to pick up his tattoo kit and he looked so defeated, so tried.  He's not the charismatic, talkative person he once was.  He's trying to get into a rehab but there is no funding so he continues to use and get by day to day.  He and his gf have no where to live.  I won't let him stay here.  I still love him and it hurts to see him like this.

Keven seems to be doing great.  You know how it is, you want to celebrate the progress they are making but it could so easily come crashing down, you learn to just be thankful for each day and have as few expectations as possible.  He has four months clean thanks to the cops catching him before he used.

That brings me to my question:

There are a lot of theories on determining how much clean time you have.  I am not a stickler one way or another, I don't count his time too much anymore, but I like to have a general idea of how long its been so I know how long he's had it out of his system.

He is being told several things in rehab:

1.  You need to change your clean date to the day you got busted because you would have used that day.

2.  You can't count the time in jail as real clean time.

3.  You have NO clean time as long as you are taking any type of meds for depression and anxiety.

I laugh at the third one because anyone who understands brain chemistry and sees the difference in a person on or off meds knows that this has nothing to do with using drugs or not, it has to do with maintaining the ability to do life well.  I am a wreck if I stop taking my anti-depressants so I just keep taking them.

What do you think?  Just curious.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update on the boys...

Yesterday's visit with Keven was great (again!).  I have never felt so hopeful or excited about his recovery process, but the knowing voice in my head keeps reminding me "be cautiously optimistic, don't have expectations, be realistic, mellow out.....".  Its a fine line between balancing the hopeful joy and setting yourself up for disappointment.  He sees the hopeful side of me, I keep the other thoughts to myself, but we've talked about relapses before and he knows that it won't be a shock to me "if something happens".

dangerous people

One of the most important aspects of recovery is Staying Away From Dangerous People !

And, one of the ways you become an addict is to hang around one.

This is what's happened in the case of A and his new girlfriend. (I can't even stand to write his name here anymore, but I do still care even though I wish I didn't).

A few posts back vented about how I want to blame A for Kelly and Keven's relapses because they were just fine till he was out of prison.  I know...its their own choice.  It was not A's fault, but he did play a role.

Now I am struggling again with the blame game because He got his new gf is addicted.  She'd never even seen heroin before he entered her life.  Now she's hooked, he's on Prop 36 and trying to stay clean and he calls me complaining how hard it is to deal with an addict!

(Insert mean laughter here along with "HA!  NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!")

Actually, its way too sad to  laugh about.  I would never laugh at something like this.  I don't even feel like saying "I told you so, or now you know how it feels".  I just feel totally sad that another person (she's 18) has fallen into the deep dark hole.  I hope she can crawl her way out.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Fake It Till Ya Make It

That's actually a very powerful tool - faking it till ya make it.  When you act confident, next thing you know you are feeling more confident and no longer have to fake it.

I am faking it today.  I have a lot going on including a job interview!  I'll let you know how it goes later.

Got a call from Anthony last night at midnight.  He had court yesterday and was looking at 5 years in prison for violating parole:  missing appointments, possession of heroin and paraphernalia, possession of an RX that was not his.  BUT, in reviewing  his huge file they noticed that he had never been offered any type of court mandated drug program.  The judge gave him One Last Chance and put him on Prop 36.  So if he messes this up he's looking at a loooooooooooooooong time behind bars.

I won't even get into my thoughts on drug offenders getting five years when rapists sometimes get less...I'll save that for my post on Luke Whyte and Voices of Justice.  That post will be coming up soon.

I told Ant that the only way I can be in his life is if it does not involve Kels or Kev.  I will not help him, give him money, give him rides, give him jack crap.  I will only give him honesty and a listening ear.  I will not even give  him encouragement or advice.  I've done all that, it obviously didn't do much.  I wanted to walk away from him, but I'll be there for the next few months until he lands himself back in prison.  And, if by some miracle that doesn't happen, it will be nice to see him succeed.

I didn't talk to Keven yesterday but am hoping he's doing better.

To all my fellow Irish friends (and those who love an excuse to party)

Question:  What nationality are you?  
I'm French Canadian / Irish.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is There Hope for a Kid Raised in the Justice System?

Who is to blame?

I  recently wrote about how angry and disgusted I was with Anthony.  Since then my feelings have gone back to empathy and compassion several times, only to hear something that shot them right back up to anger and disbelief.  I will spare you all the ugliness of what's he'd doing now.

The thing is, I really do love him and even though I have vowed to remove myself from his life I hope that by some miracle, he will turn his life around.  I've done all I can, and he still says "no one cares, no one is helping me, poor me....."  I find it very insulting to heart that - but more than that, I find it sad because at some level he probably believes it.

So the question on my mind today is, did he ever  have hope?  A kid raised by drug addicts/criminals who's spend more time incarcerated than free for the last 9 years?  He's 23 but is he really?  Did he ever have a chance to grow up and mature or did he just learn to survive?

Who's to blame?  Its easy to say he made his own choices and he could have got off the drugs and earned an honest living.  Those of us who love addicts know it doesn't make sense, its not a simple choice, its a gut-level commitment that involves moving forward, falling, getting back up and starting over.

Taking the drugs out of the equation completely - can we blame his mom for abandoning him to her meth addiction and dying when he was a young teen?  Can we blame his dad for leaving him in a stolen car in hopes that he wouldn't be convicted of grand theft because he was only 16?  (he was convicted, his first felony charge)

He has most of the characteristics of a psychopath which experts believe is caused by genetics, environment or both.  So who is to blame?


Why do I feel a need to blame anyone?  I guess because when I think of the photos of him as a boy, a cherubic face with a mischievous smile, my heart literally hurts.  I am so angry at him for what he's done (and continues to do) recently because he's hurting others not just himself.  But part of me wants to grab him and hold him and believe that my love can save him.

But of course, I know damn well, it can't.

P.S.  Decided to check his Facebook page to see if he's been on there.  I am filled with anger and "hate".  I feel like deleting everything I just wrote about him.  Maybe he really is evil?  I give up.  I hope he stays away from his 3 year old son and gives that poor kid a chance at a normal life.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Some People Can't Be Helped

I am not the type to give up hope and think of someone as a "lost cause", but sometimes its necessary, its called for, its the right thing to do.

I'm referring to Anthony.  I won't go into what he did (and it has nothing to do with Keven) but I will say it involves violence, stealing, endangering others and making a half-hearted suicide attempt.  Right now he's in the hospital, he was dropped off there early this morning by his now former girlfriend, she left him and said he attempted suicide but apparently he is asking to leave because he just called and asked me for a ride.

I said one word, "no".  He hung up on me.  I will call the cops if he comes to my house.  I do have a few more of his belongings which I will be dropping off at his grandparents this afternoon.

Its sad but my prediction is that he will either be in and out of prison the rest of his life, or, the rest of his life will be a very short period of time.  He's a psychopath, a sociopath.  He is not just an addict, it goes far beyond that.

I'm aware that most addicts exhibit many traits of a psychopath/sociopath and a narcissist, but he embodies every trait to the extreme.  I believe he's a danger to society and you won't here much about him from here on out because I have finally and forever given up on him.

I feel bad for his brother and his grandparents and I think his 3 year old son is much better off never knowing his father.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Read Between The Lines

I can't say why I am so upset.  But maybe you can guess.  I've written about Anthony because I have nothing to lose in writing about his actions on my blog.  My son is very depressed, anxious and, well, basically a wreck.  Yet I see him trying so hard to keep it together.  Let's just say he has disowned his "brother" and I have also disowned my "other son".

I am more angry than sad.

I've asked myself - was is worth it investing so much of my love, time, money, energy and constant encouragement into Anthony's life for the last two and a half years????  I would have to say NO.  It was not.  Because the times I believed in him, I always had a huge doubt inside because of his history.  He has never been able to stay off drugs or our of prison/jail/juvenile hall.

I chose to look at his positive side but now I wonder - did he ever really care, did anything I say mattered or was I just a great person to have on his side because I was so kind and generous?

I insisted that if someone gave him a chance, some unconditional love, some hope - he could do it.  He could overcome.

Well, go ahead and I say it, because I agree completely:  I was naive, arrogant to think I would make a different, fooled, used, and mostly STUPID.  I admit all this - its obvious and I KNEW BETTER but still forged ahead thinking the best of him.

I am just done with him completely and he is done with me too.  He is mad at ME because of something I said to him related to who he used drugs with the other day.  He is not a nice person, and sadly, I think it goes beyond his addiction.  He grew up with parents that did drugs in front of him and were in and out of jail and I think the combination of his genetics and environment left him with some very serious issues.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Mission Accomplished - He's Home!

After ten months, the trio is together once again.

Kev and Kels are both working their program.  Ant says he wants to.  Lets hope and pray that he doesn't go out again and if he does, he doesn't take either of them with him.

Got the best hug ever and a gorgeous hand drawn card that I will scan and share later.  I am exhausted.  Left the house at 7am, just got home.





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Accepting the Things We Can Not Change....

Anthony did not get out today.  But, all parties (him, Kels, Kev) are handling it with maturity by accepting the things they can not change.  I am impressed.

After getting up at 5:00 am and getting out to Norco, we got a call from him saying that they just told him (as in this morning!) that he can't get out till Sunday because he's on "high control probation" and has to see his PO within a certain amount of hours after leaving prison.  So that means I will drive out on Sunday to pick him up but Kels will not be able to go with me.

She had an elaborate day planned, had her hair and nails done, got a sexy new outfit, several surprises for him and got the day off work.  So she was disappointed but going with the flow.

It seems a bit ridiculous to me that prison waited till literally the last minute to say "guess what, you don't get to go home today after all!".  I will stop here so I am not tempted to say anything mean about our prison system.

Check out my other blog for something I am putting over there related to prisons, I was going to put it here but want more people to see it.

Thanks for caring about Ant.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TILL HE'S OUT!

(photo from last January during one of the brief moments they had together before Ant was back in prison)



Anthony has served a ten month sentence so we (his grandparents, brother, girlfriend, Keven and me) are very excited for the big day.  FRIDAY!

Kels and I will drive down to Norco and arrive by 7:30 am, wait two hours and then get to hug him for as long as we want.

First stop after that is a noon NA mtg. for the two of them (his request) at which time I will drive to get Keven and then see a HUGE reunion of "the brothers".  They have been like two ships* in the night for the last two years.  Then off to Grandma's house to surprise her (she doesn't except him till Saturday) and then all of us will go to lunch which my generous sister offered to pay for.

I think this warm welcome will get him off to a good start.  Mail has been slow in prison the last month and he thinks we are all mad at him and wasn't sure who was coming to get him.  Ha.  I will drive the "good car" and he will have a huge birthday gift waiting for him and I will chauffeur them to the meeting.

I am looking forward to it - but mostly to seeing Keven and Anthony reunite.  Kev and Kels are both going to tell him straight up - one word, or even "that look" about drugs and we are out of here.

*drug addicts in the system would be more appropriate



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another one...

Warning:  If you are in a joyful holiday mood, save reading this for another day (or never) its not pleasant, but it is important.

In the last few months there have been several deaths in our little circle of people we (Keven and me) know.

Last night at Family Group ANOTHER one was announced.

3 from Cornerstone
2 of Kelsey's friends
1 of Keven's old buddies
1 of Keven's good friends

That's deaths that I have personally heard about...just one person heard of 7 deaths in the last few months.

The latest one, a guy from Cornerstone, may have intentionally overdosed according to Keven which I am sure is a rumor going around.  No one will ever know, and does it matter?

In two weeks Anthony is coming home.  Thankfully his grandmother is letting him live with her for a month because there is no way I want him here - we are coveting our peace and quiet.

I am afraid for Anthony.  He's NEVER made it.

Do you remember what was happening last January?

He was out of jail for ELEVEN days, used at his sober living home and ended up on LIFE SUPPORT!

Once he was better he went to another rehab and somehow from there he got busted again and was sent to prison for _______ months, which equals TEN MONTHS time served.

He told his gf that the first thing he wants to do is go to a meeting.  That sounds great.  I hope he does something different because I think he's living on borrowed time as it is, he's not going to have many more chances and he will end up dead...like his mother :(





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Yep, There Are Plenty of Drugs in Prison

I haven't mentioned much about Anthony lately - partly because I haven't been writing here all that much and partly because I was disgusted with him and hurt and worried.

He had come up with several stories about why he NEEDED money and if he didn't get it he would be beat up.  I know for a fact that yes, you can get seriously beat up in prison for owing money because the guys that are in there for years or life don't care if they get in more trouble - but they do care if they don't get their money.

So yeah, I gave him some here and there.  The last time I told him if he ever asked again I would hang up on him.  Then...I didn't hear from him for weeks.  Until today.

I got a letter from Chino which was a big surprise since he's been at a different (more pleasant) prison for months.

His letter explains how he landed back at the place he hates.  He staged a fight knowing that the punishment would mean being sent back to Chino to finish out his sentence.  His reason - to get away from the drugs.  I am going to share a bit of what he said in  his letter...the question is, does he mean it? AND Is it even the truth?  If it is true and he does mean it, maybe, MAYBE, he has a chance.

"Momma, sorry I haven't called but I'm back in the hell hole.  I staged a fight so I could get kicked out of here back to Chino.  I couldn't be around all the dope.  I was having serious trouble trying to quit and was at the point that I rather be dead then use again.  The guilt and fear of paroling with a habit was eating away at me so I started a fight and didn't stop till I was pepper-sprayed, cuffed and caged like an animal for 13 hours. Then my happy ass was transfered back to Chino.  I'm disgusted with myself for what I've put my loved ones through.  I feel bad for the guy I fought, but to me I was not fighting him I was fighting my addiction."

He gets out in January so I hope that's enough time clean to give him a chance.  His girlfriend will have 6 months when he gets out.  If things turn out that he uses and she goes back down with him - I will disown them both.  I have to.  I love them too much to watch it.

I will never disown my real son...I have much more hope for him than I do Ant.  He is home on a pass today and had lunch with his ex-gf and now is hanging out with a safe friend a few houses down.  He seems very quiet and withdrawn today, but that's not unusual.  I know he's not using.  I just hope it stays that way.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sweet Prison Visit!

Seeing Anthony today was great!

I had never been to a prison before, it sounds so intimidating compared to "jail" but it was a lot nicer place.  This is not Chino, he got transfered.  Chino is notorious for violence so I am glad he's no longer there.

Here is a photo where I spent my Sunday:

The interesting thing about this place is that its surrounded by houses and a really nice park!!!  It was in a rural area, tons of horses and ranch style houses.

We got to sit at a table with him for four hours!  He looked so healthy and is huge from working out constantly.  It was very special.  The inmates all seemed so much more mellow and less scary than what I am used to seeing at OC Jail.  I'm not sure why that is.

Ant signs up for some college classes this week and is managing to stay away from drugs.  He said there are drugs EVERYWHERE in there but he has too much to lose this time.  I can only hope and pray that he means it, time will tell.

As for my "real" son, I haven't seen him much this weekend but the reports from my sister are that he seems "good".

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Speaking of Anthony...

I get to see him next Sunday!  This will be the first time since he was incarcerated back in March.  He was transferred to a different "facility", this one in Norco.  His gf and I are going out there to for visit, I will get a hug!

I wish I could be completely happy about it but its hard to be happy when Kev is doing so poorly.  He's so depressed.  We had an incident this week and I can't even talk about it.  I feel like he's on the verge of something - either turning the corner towards a real recovery, going back to jail, or death.  Lets hope for the first one.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Anthony Update

Haven't said much about Anthony or Kelsey later - but no news is good news!  Kelsey has over 30 days clean, is still in a really great sober living/rehab house and got a great job!  She looks and sounds great and I am very proud of her.

Anthony has been writing more than ever and his letters sound so positive.  I got a six pager today and his words were very sincere and mature.  I can see a big change in him, I think he's really "getting it" this time and I have more hope for him than ever.  He said some funny things in the letter too that cracked me up which was another good sign.  He says he is THANKFUL to be in prison right now and be forced to have time to think.  He also said he feels "forgiven" by himself and that's a first.  He's always been so hard on himself.

He asked me to check out his ex gf's myspace for pics of his boy to send him.  I love this one, apparently he inherited his father's talent for music :)

P.S.  Keven is at a meeting at Phoenix House tonight, likes his new therapist and seems to be doing "okay" at the moment.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update on Anthony and Kelsey plus another item for the "DOH!" file

Anthony has been writing me a lot since he was put back in a two-man cell for 23 hours a day.  His letters are always positive, honest and grateful.

He also wrote Keven and since the letter was in the same envelope as mine I read it.  He told him how HUGE he's getting from working out all the time (he has the body type that puts on muscle just by looking at a barbell, and Keven has been working out at the gym for months and still isn't all that defined....)

He told Keven that if he's using they can't be friends cause he's "done'.  Well, I've heard this before and I will believe it when I see it.  I hope its true.

He says he's NOT going to do dope in prison anymore, his "clean date" is June 11.  It still burns me up that heroin is so readily available in there!

I surprised Kelsey today by stopping by her rehab for a quick visit.  I brought her some letters from Anthony and a pack of cigs.  She looked really good and was her usual hyper talkative self.  I got a great hug, she's such a thin girl, but she looked healthy thin not druggie thin (big difference).

In other news - my son used my credit card to buy clothes, food and get a piercing.  I gave him my credit card months ago to use for GAS only.  He used it for gas only.  I was so proud of him.

But then I had to have a new card issued and decided to get his name on it in case he ever needed it in an emergency (how stupid of me, it was like handing him a wad of cash and saying "don 't spend it).

Here I am thinking he was being responsible with my credit card but really he was only fearful of using it because it had my name on it.  The second he could get away with using if for other items he did.

Needless to say he no longer has the card, in fact I closed the account.

Another lesson learned the hard way by me.  DOH!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Hitting Bottom is Death for Some Addicts...

Today was the second day in a row that I witnessed Keven smile and laugh and did not see the "dark side".  He's at a meeting right now (they meet at picnic tables on the beach....nice!)

I am not thinking about what tomorrow may bring, I am just thankful that this ONE DAY was good.  As was yesterday.  That makes two days in a row...but the point is you can get caught up in the numbers and lose site of rejoicing in the ONE DAY.

In other news:  Kelly was over here last night, her mom dropped her off so she could visit me.  It was very sad.  She was so despondent, feeling so defeated, so mad at herself.  Her parents wanted to send her to Salvation Army but I think they are going to wait to see what happens in court and hope and pray for a drug ordered court program, hopefully PHOENIX HOUSE!

I told her it would be worth it to wait in jail for a bed to open and I think she would be willing to do that.  She is as thin as a rail when she's not using...yesterday I hugged her and wanted to cry.  She's also so beautiful (aren't they all?  youth is beautiful when its not tainted with drugs).

She said she wished there was some place on earth that she could go that there was no access to drugs.  But that place doesn't exist.  Its in jail and rehabs, small towns, suburbs, big cities, out in the boondocks.

My heart hurts for her because she's been doing this back and forth thing for years.  She had all my empathy until she started making excuses for WHY she started using again, she was lonely, she missed Ant.  Then I find out (from her) that Ant started using it in prison when he heard she was out here using it.  GEEZ!  I know how hard it is to stop when its calling your name night and day, but sometimes I think they look for reasons .... or am I just being really callous today?

I guess I wanted her to say "I need help, I surrender, I can't do it on my own, I've tried."

It seems like there are different types of addicts:  those who sincerely want to stop, those who sincerely wish they wanted to stop, and those who know they do not want to stop.

I think I am finally able to tell the difference when an addict really  wants sobriety and when they say they do but have no real intention of quitting.

I think I can finally recognize pure bullshit even when said with a straight face, perhaps even a few tears.  You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice:

defiant
defensive
in denial

The thing is, they flop back and forth so easily.

I think I've become less empathetic recently.  Kind of like I am worn out from it all.  I have to pick and choose who to invest my emotions in.  Its horrible to say this, but I have least hope for Anthony.  He's been doing this for seven years now and those of you who have read here for five months or more know he was "this close" to death in January.  I guess technically he was dead because a machine was keeping him alive.  That didn't phase him.

Neither did losing his mother when he was 14.

Anthony's mother died because of meth.  She chose that life.  She was never able to stop.  Having her two sons taken from her, having 80% of her body burned in a meth lab explosion, living on the street - NONE OF THAT was her "bottom".  Her bottom was death.  I have to face the fact sometimes that's how the story ends.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Ant Update

Anthony's gf, "Kelly" got to visit him for the first time (this stay) yesterday.  It was a full contact visit so they got to hug and hold hands.  She said he's doing great and has a job two days a week.  The rest of the week he stays busy doing tattoos and practicing guitar.  Doesn't sound too bad for being in prison!

I know for a fact that Kelly relapsed but didn't ask her if she mentioned it to Ant.  I'm staying out of their business.  I write him about once a week to remind him I am here and that I love him.  I'm glad he's doing so well.

Thanks for all the comments...Keven is about the same, I am doing better.  Taking a lot of deep breaths and reminding myself to take it one hour at a time

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara