Heroin Sucks

Got a call from Keven today.  He tested dirty at "United".

He'd been there for 11 days.

They are letting him come back on Monday which is good.

He begged me to come home and you all would have been so proud of me, I was infuriated when he first told me and I said NO WAY ON EARTH.

So the plan was for his PO to pick him up and take him into custody.  She wasn't able to do that.

Our attorney called and said that since Keven did the right thing - confessed, is remorseful and knows how desperately he needs help - that I could pick him up an let him stay here the night and then bring him to court in the morning and they would take him into custody from there.

So he's home.  He's still high (he used late this afternoon and was immediately caught, someone told the director that they should test him).

Its very sad.  My anger has dissipated and now I'm just plain sad.  You see, I learned something new tonight.  Something I had never known before.  And it felt like a kick in the gut.

He admitted to me that he's never gone longer than a month without using.

A month.

He has a six month chip, I asked him what that was about and he says he was pretending so as not to get in trouble or upset us more than we already are.

He was very disappointed in himself, and he seemed kind of scared.  But, on the brighter side he has a sponsor again for the first time in a long time and he said he thinks with this new sponsor he's going to be able to really work the program.  Lets hope so.  I met the sponsor, I liked him a lot, he gave me his number.

So here we are again.

Ha, it would be "funny" if he and Anthony end up in the same cell.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Lost Youth? How Long Will It Take?

My entire family has only been together once in the last three years, last June.  Yesterday would have been another opportunity for a "family photo" but thankfully no one brought it up because it would not have been complete without Keven.  He's missed so many holidays, get-togethers, etc.  

Its hard for me to accept the fact that he may continue missing out for years to come.  I don't want him to miss out on these years of life, my 20's were fun, adventurous and relatively carefree.

When we were new to this evil disease, I, like most parents, thought it would only take a rehab or a jail visit or something of that nature to knock some sense into him. Once he had completed a good  rehab he'd figure it out and choose to move on with his life.  I wish.  It takes total commitment from him and a good solid recovery plan that is his top priority above all else.  It usually doesn't happen in the first few years, but I hope for him it does.

As Lou said on her blog today:

I'm convinced the road to recovery is long, winding, and paved with different recovery tools. There is a huge difference between "alcoholic" and "problem drinker". Between "substance abuse" and "heroin addict".
"If you are new to a family member's heroin addiction, do not be lulled by brief periods of sobriety (whether forced by jail /rehab, or voluntary). Heroin is a long haul. Heroin doesn't go away because of negative consequences. You don't just quit heroin. If an addict does not have a life long recovery plan--abstinence, the 12 steps, the 10 commandments, medication, or some combination of these-- heroin will be back."

Here is a link to her blog, please read it.  Even if you already know this (as most of us do) we have to keep educating ourselves so we can help others who are new to this.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

2nd Interview Yesterday

I had a second job interview at the law firm.  The job is low pay but I've come to the conclusion that most jobs these days are because employers can get away with it (at least here in CA).  I sensed that one of the attorney's wants to hire me - she made it obvious she liked me a lot.  But she doesn't make the final decision.  There were several others called in for a second interview as well.  So, I will wait and see.

Keven:  He's doing good.  Had a slightly bad day in court, but it turned out okay (nothing to do with drugs - he got a traffic violation).  I hope he's feeling as good as he looks.  The spark is back in his eye and he's been smiling.

Anthony:  Out of jail, on parole AND probation (didn't know you could be on both at once).  As far as I know he's staying out of trouble but I am keeping him at arm's length.

"Kelly" (I've accidentally used her real name here several times, hopefully that's not confusing.  She is Ant's ex-girlfriend).  She is the one I am currently worried about.  We are very close, she was friends with Keven long before she was Ant's gf.  Typically we talk every day or two.  I have not spoke with her since SATURDAY and she's only returned one of my texts to say "I will call you later, I'm okay" but she never called.  She's got to be out there using.

Once again my anger at Anthony is almost overwhelming.  Yes, it was their choice (kev and kel) to use again but if he was not back they would not have had it shoved in their faces and both of them would be doing so much better, especially Kel who had to deal with him breaking up with her on top of him getting to use again after 8 frigging months.  GRRRRRR!!!!

IF YOU ARE IN RECOVERY STAY AWAY FROM ANYONE AND EVERYONE THAT USES OR THAT YOU EVER USED WITH....NO EXCEPTIONS!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Crazy Things We Think and Do

Way back in 2009 when I first suspected that my son was "up to something" I tried listening to his conversations in hope of gaining some insight.  I even used a stethoscope to listen through his bedroom door!  How embarrassing is that?

The "funny" part of this is that I don't know what I would have done if I did hear something because I was drowning in denial at that time, unaware for my need to surface and breathe.  It was like I held my breath for months waiting for some dramatic event.

Then the dramatic even occurred.  The rest has been a long, tedious journey of ups and downs.

I do believe that knowledge is power, because the more I learned, the better I was able to cope.

Note to parents who are new to this:  The relapse issue was the hardest for me  to grasp at first.  Sitting in AlAnon listening to other parents talk about relapse after relapse, sitting in family groups listening to addicts say it was their second, third or fourth time in rehab.

That upset me.  I had the mind set that once the addict decided to stop using and got in a program and was serious - end of problem.  When I learned that "relapse is part of recovery" and accepted it, I was still disappointed, sad and/or angry when it happened....but I was never surprised and always knew it was not the end of the world.

Right now Keven has 16 days but now I find myself thinking "oh good, this must be the last time he's ever going to relapse because he's done it so many times now....this last time was the grand finale and he's finally done!!"

Ha.

I need to be careful with my expectations.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Its Saturday Again Already?

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to any of you who read this.  I've been catching up on blogs this morning and so far, mostly positive reports on what's going on with you and your families.  And as always, some very inspiring and encouraging posts.  I appreciate the blogs in this "community" and although wish we would have met for another reason - I am SO grateful we "met".

Keven was not allowed home for Thanksgiving because he did not put his pass in on time.  He really thought he could talk his way into it (typical addict thinking) so I was VERY relieved that they did not buy his "but I wasn't home last year and it would mean so much to my mom" line.  We have a small family to begin with and with Keven gone and my niece and great-nephew living in Germany it was super small this year, but that was fine with me (the turkey was extra good and there was more of it!)

Unfortunately I found out that he did use heroin last Saturday.  I knew he was high but I thought "surely he's high on something other than that ....."  Why did I think that?  I was wrong.  He confessed it to me and said he wants to tell his sponsor, his case manager and the guys at his house but he CAN'T.  He tested clean so they will never know, but he hates lying about his real clean date.

The reason  he can't tell is because of the court program.  He will get kicked out if he messes up one more time which means a felony and prison.  I happen to know that his attorney could probably keep that from happening if he messed up ONCE (she told me this) but he doesn't know that.

It bothers me that he can't be honest without losing his opportunity to stay in recovery but it is what it is, right?

He also told me how difficult it is for him to be around me, my sis and my mom.  He loves us and appreciates us but being around us after all he's put us through the last few years makes him so uncomfortable that he can't force himself to be friendly, he just wants to avoid us.  I am not sure what to think about that but its true...we will drive to and from his house to here every Saturday and not say more than a few sentences to each other the whole time.

So, he's coming home today.  I don't think he will use again but hey - I didn't think he'd use last week.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Hitting Bottom is Death for Some Addicts...

Today was the second day in a row that I witnessed Keven smile and laugh and did not see the "dark side".  He's at a meeting right now (they meet at picnic tables on the beach....nice!)

I am not thinking about what tomorrow may bring, I am just thankful that this ONE DAY was good.  As was yesterday.  That makes two days in a row...but the point is you can get caught up in the numbers and lose site of rejoicing in the ONE DAY.

In other news:  Kelly was over here last night, her mom dropped her off so she could visit me.  It was very sad.  She was so despondent, feeling so defeated, so mad at herself.  Her parents wanted to send her to Salvation Army but I think they are going to wait to see what happens in court and hope and pray for a drug ordered court program, hopefully PHOENIX HOUSE!

I told her it would be worth it to wait in jail for a bed to open and I think she would be willing to do that.  She is as thin as a rail when she's not using...yesterday I hugged her and wanted to cry.  She's also so beautiful (aren't they all?  youth is beautiful when its not tainted with drugs).

She said she wished there was some place on earth that she could go that there was no access to drugs.  But that place doesn't exist.  Its in jail and rehabs, small towns, suburbs, big cities, out in the boondocks.

My heart hurts for her because she's been doing this back and forth thing for years.  She had all my empathy until she started making excuses for WHY she started using again, she was lonely, she missed Ant.  Then I find out (from her) that Ant started using it in prison when he heard she was out here using it.  GEEZ!  I know how hard it is to stop when its calling your name night and day, but sometimes I think they look for reasons .... or am I just being really callous today?

I guess I wanted her to say "I need help, I surrender, I can't do it on my own, I've tried."

It seems like there are different types of addicts:  those who sincerely want to stop, those who sincerely wish they wanted to stop, and those who know they do not want to stop.

I think I am finally able to tell the difference when an addict really  wants sobriety and when they say they do but have no real intention of quitting.

I think I can finally recognize pure bullshit even when said with a straight face, perhaps even a few tears.  You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice:

defiant
defensive
in denial

The thing is, they flop back and forth so easily.

I think I've become less empathetic recently.  Kind of like I am worn out from it all.  I have to pick and choose who to invest my emotions in.  Its horrible to say this, but I have least hope for Anthony.  He's been doing this for seven years now and those of you who have read here for five months or more know he was "this close" to death in January.  I guess technically he was dead because a machine was keeping him alive.  That didn't phase him.

Neither did losing his mother when he was 14.

Anthony's mother died because of meth.  She chose that life.  She was never able to stop.  Having her two sons taken from her, having 80% of her body burned in a meth lab explosion, living on the street - NONE OF THAT was her "bottom".  Her bottom was death.  I have to face the fact sometimes that's how the story ends.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Quick Update...

Update - everything is back to the same scary stuff.  I don't know what to do.  I think he needs to be hospitalized.


When all else fails...

adopt a dog.
(details on "Sugar" later).

For the last two days since he used, I have seen my old Keven.  I don't know why, I know it probably won't last, but its there...the old smile, the old smirk, the old sweetness.  He brought his gf's mom over to meet my family today and we all sat in our yard for over an our chatting and laughing and telling fun stories.  It felt like the Twilight Zone to me...not used to such normalcy.  In a few minutes he's joining us at my brother's house for a BBQ of burgers, etc.  Not typical for even my old Keven (unless it was a "real" holiday like Christmas or HIS birthday).

Tom left a comment that is the only possible hint I have at why he may be acting so calm, so nice, so pleasant.  (details later...I'm in a hurry...sorry!).   I also wonder - did he not take his meds the last few days?  Does that make him feel better?  Is he just relieved that he relapsed and confessed?

Also, he's not bitching that I took his car away.  He started to yesterday but gave up.  This is so not like him.  I like this new behavior but I know better than to get used to it.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, LOVE, WISDOM!

I will read blogs tonight to catch up with all of you.

Love,
Barbara

The Morning After...

Last night this an old Duran Duran song kept playing in my mind:

"Don't say a prayer for me now, save it for the morning after...."

BUT, its the morning after and I feel okay BECAUSE you prayed.  Because you CARE.   Because you, the people who read this blog, have never left my side, have continued to support me and encourage me and educate me and hold my hand.

THANK YOU.

There is no update at this time.  He's sleeping.

I feel a peace at the moment because in a way, its like I was holding my breath for 9 months waiting and wondering if this would happen.

Each of your comments was so helpful.  I don't even know how to express how much this community means to me, but I think many of you understand.

More later :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He Relapsed

"Relapse" sounds so mild.  He used.  He shot up.  He lost his nine months sobriety.  He can barely keep his eyes open.  He looks like hell.  It was painful to see him in that condition.

I guess the positive is that he told me.  He didn't use yesterday when he stole the money.  He used today.  He says he regrets it.  He says he won't do it again.  He says he wants to go into an out-patient program.  He says ....blah blah blah.

His girlfriend broke up with him until he can prove he's not going to use again and just drove him to a meeting.  He can barely keep his eyes open.  I sure as hell hope they aren't pulled over because THIS TIME the cop would have ever right to arrest him.

Am I upset?  Of course.  I am very upset.  I am not surprised at all.  I knew it was coming the second he told me that he had a whole week until drug testing at probation.  I had hope after last night that he got beyond it, but it won.

Two of his friends that are also on probation with him both called and asked him to get hight today.  He went with Gilbert to a shooting gallery in Santa Ana.  I told him Gilbert is never allowed in this house again.  He said "I know".

He called Brad (his mentor) and Andrew (his best friend that has never touched a drug in his life) and told both of them.  He told my sister.  He told me he wants top work the steps and get a sponsor.  He said he has too much to lose, he can't go backwards.

What the hell ever.

I have no faith or trust in him right now.  He told me not to give him cash only visa gift cards for gas.  He asked me to buy "piss tests" (drug tests) to use on him whenever I wanted.  He is saying all this...but how will he feel about it tomorrow remembering the high?

Oh well.  As I was thinking earlier:  I don't have my son anymore.  I have this person that is really messed up.  If he leaves (to jail, a hospital, the streets) it won't be that difficult for me because the person that lives here in this house in my son's body is not my son.  He hasn't been for over a year.  I still love him just as much...but its like he's a shell for who Keven used to be.

One last thing:  he said he's glad I have this blog and all of you to listen to me talk about him and support me.  I am glad for that too.

For old time's sake, some of you will remember this photo from my first blog:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He almost used (with update)

I am still kind of shaken up so this will be short.


I had a feeling Keven was up to something.  He and his girlfriend were in his room.  I knocked and walked in and saw the look of anger on his face and said "I haven't seen that look since you used to get high".


As soon as the words left my mouth my heart dropped to my stomach.


WHAT ARE YOU DOING?


Nothing


YES YOU ARE!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!


I looked at is bed and saw CO2 cylinders and balloons.


He said he couldn't take it and needed something to get by but didn't want to use drugs so this was an alternative.  He cried.  I cried.  We talked.  He's going in to see his Dr. tomorrow.  He says its been building for days. He considered doing heroin but decided he didn't want to lose everything.


I am assuming he's telling the truth and has not used anything else.


I'm sad and scared and worried...again...its been a nice break from feeling this way but I guess its over.


UPDATE:
Had a good talk with him and his gf for about half an hour.  Its amazing how tight my chest is - you know that horrible feeling like something is sitting on top of your chest and you can't breathe?


Anyhow, he's glad I caught him.  He knows he needs to figure some things out so it won't happen again.  I thought he handled things in court well today (ha, I was wrong).  I think it will be okay....4 months and he will have year clean.  I know that doesn't really "mean" anything but he wants it bad.  He wants to say "a year".  I think he'll be able to...


He said he's not suicidal but if he can't help himself he may have himself admitted on a 5150.  


They only used one cylinder and he gave me the all the stuff so I could toss it.  He doesn't consider this a relapse.  I told him I would not call his PO this time but next time I will.  


How should I handle this?
I don't want him to be alone but I have to go to work tomorrow....




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

A Tale of Two Boys - What Makes the Difference?

I was just thinking that at this moment in time I am experiencing both sides of the addiction coin:  

Keven has 7 months sobriety.  We're both hopeful.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  I still have twinges of fear and moments of concern, but most of the time I feel calm and grateful.


Anthony has ? days sobriety.  It looks hopeless.  I feel discouraged.  This has been going on since he was 14 (8 years).  In and out of juvie/jail/prison, on and off drugs, well actually the only off time has been when he was incarcerated. 


My gut instincts tell me that Keven is going to succeed (I felt that about Bryan, Lisa's son too, as I read her post last night).  I feel so arrogant making that statement, but that's my inner self talking.  My brain of course is logical and knows not only is it arrogant to think that way, its stupid.  No one knows.  There is no guarantee.  Even after years of being clean a heroin addict can choose to use again.


And it can't be about hitting bottom because so many bottoms have been hit for so many of our loved ones. 


With Anthony, losing his mom to drugs didn't stop him.  Shooting up his best friend and watching him die from an OD didn't stop him.  Being kept alive by life support after his own OD, didn't stop him.  Living in the streets, stealing to survive, losing everything - none of that was "hitting bottom"?   Death is the next "bottom" and when you hit that one, its obviously too late.

These things don't matter to a heroin addict.  But how come some can stop and some can't?  What's the difference?  Determination?  Desire?  Commitment?  Having something to live for?  Hope? Fear? Help in the form of methadone/Suboxone?  "Hitting Bottom" obviously is not the determining factor. 

Some would say the difference is working a program - but that goes back to the question, why do some choose to work a program and stick with it and some don't?  Anthony went to NA meetings in jail 6 days a week.  The letters he wrote me were about working the program.  He sounded so positive and determined, but three days out and - he was using.  

Keven's program is court ordered, not by choice.  He has to go to 4 self-help meetings a week and he goes to two "Dual Diagnosis" meetings and to be honest I'm not sure if he's going to the other meetings or not, I don't ask, that's not my job his PO asks him about it.


I'm just thinking out loud.  I am frustrated.  I want there to be a formula:  "do this and you will have the desired result".  

But no, its so messy, so complicated, so heartbreaking.  We can't really understand it unless we were an addict ourselves.   Very few things in life are simple and heroin addiction seems to be close to the top of the chart of complex issues.

I feel numb today.  Not good or bad, just here.  I'm thinking of the people that read here.  Those that love addicts, are addicts and those that are probably thankful they can't relate to any of this.  You all give me support and courage.  Thank you.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Dad and Mom's Son

Their son, who was doing so well, had a relapse.  I'm sharing this but most of you who know them have probably already been to their blog and seen the sad news.


It can happen at any time for any of our loved one's.  Its not even my son and I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach when I hear that kind of news.


Why?  Why does it have to be this way?  Why do so many turn to drugs in the first place?  What is the answer?  How do we change things?


And what do you say?  What words can we possibly use to express to Dad and Mom how sorry we are to hear this news (all the while secretly being thankful it was not our child but knowing it very well could be at any time). 




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

So Much for my "Happy Post"

Earlier I wrote about how well the guys are doing....how Ant gave K some good advice and they were both pumped up about being clean and staying clean.

A few minutes ago K came to me and said "I hope he can make it two weeks till he gets in rehab".  Ugh.  He wants to get high. 

I understand.  I get it.  I can't relate to in on a personal level, but I hear about it all the time. 

Heroin can own your very soul.
Ant has never made it very long.
Almost dying seems to have lost its effect.

K told him if he used he could never come to our house again and he wouldn't hang out with him.  I'm proud of him for saying that.  I'm sad that he had to say it. 

I feel mad right now.  I feel angry and disappointed in him.  I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  I just want to grab him and shake him and scream "DON'T F-UP YOUR LIFE!"  He's finally on the right track, clean time, not that long to go on parole, a 90 day rehab set up, a girlfriend who's crazy about him, loving people in his life, a talent he can turn into a career.  

But, he knows all that.  It doesn't matter.  He wants to get high.  I'm prepared to cut him out of my life  but I don't want to.  I love him. 

I wish he could get on methadone or suboxone.

Another Bad Jail Visit

Had a bad day.  Don't even feel like talking about it.  I'll just say this:

Statistically speaking K will relapse and this is just the beginning of many years in the cylce of drugs/jail.

Spiritually speaking, anything can happen, he may choose to work hard on recovery and never use again.

Only time will tell.  I am just sick of it all.

Intervention on A&E

Do any of you watch this show?  Its kind of depressing but I watch it every week.  It seems like most people that go into treatment eventually relapse.  The odds just don't look good.  But I refuse to give up hope and I will believe the best until proven otherwise.  So far K's already relapsed three times, his longest time clean was only 30 days.   But this time...maybe its going to be forever.

THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS!  There are some great comments to this post.  Bottom line:  Addiction is a family disease and if the whole family does not get help (Recovery) the addicts chances of getting and remaining clean are slim. 

K Is Worried about Relapse

commonly known as "footballs" or "bars" in drug slang

He called again today and we had a bit of an argument over the phone. I brought up what changes will be made when he gets home and he got mad that I was talking about unpleasant things - he said his aunt never does that to him when she talks to him in jail. I said....I'm your MOTHER and this stuff needs to be discussed.

We also talked about his fears. He said he wants to get back on Suboxone and stay on it. He said he never realized how hard it would be to quit heroin or he never would have started. He said he was nervous because he used just three days after getting out last time (a 22 day stay).

He said, "Mom, if you catch me using I want you to send me to rehab."

I said, sure, but I would have to kick him out first because the only rehab i can afford is the cheap one for homeless people. He agreed to be homeless because he doesn't want to live this life.

What scares me is that I see how easily this COULD become his life....in and out of jail, on and off drugs....for years. I don't want that for my son. And I don't want it for me either.

So, he's already nervous that he will use. I told him the no friends rule, the no doorknob rule, etc. He was pissed off.

He also told me the reason he started using drugs was because of his life-long paranoia and anxiety, and no, he's not playing me when he says that. From a very early age (5) he has suffered from depression and anxiety. I waited till he was 8 to take him to a psychiatrist because I refused to believe there could be something mentally wrong with him. He went on and off anti-depressants and it helped (I take them daily).

But he's always been very anxious and had lots of unwarranted fears. He said that the drugs helped him with that, except for weed and coke which made it worse. But he loved Xanax and opiates for the relief it gave him. (yeah, it knocks you out so your not even aware of life, can't feel anxious if your not even able to stay awake...)

So I don't know if he has something wrong that needs to be addressed. I have spent thousands of dollars over the years for different doctors trying to find help for him (counseling and meds). I will take him back to our WONDERFUL doctor, Dr. Yang, for advice and Suboxone. Dr. Yang specializes in addiction but is a general MD as well as having a background in counseling. K loves him and so do I.

Ok. I just had to get this out. Now, I need to go to bed.