In Response to Comments....

I want to make sure that anyone reading this can "hear" the tone of what I am writing, that's one thing the written word loses - you can't necessarily tell if the writer is being defensive, and I want to make sure this doesn't come across that way.

Comments are the heart and soul of our blog community - without them we never would have found each other.  Two comments left on my last post inspired me to write this one so I could clarify my "behind the scene thoughts" that were not included when I said I was glad Jon and Ant were not at the same place as Keven.

First, I realize that Keven will always have other addicts in his life and negative influence to contend with.  I also know that he needs to learn to say no on his own two feet regardless of who is tempting him.  But, in the entire planet of human beings, Ant and Jon are the two that have had the most influence on him.  The ones that he used with the most, the one (Jon) that got him started and the one (Ant) that he frequently relapses with.  If I am starting out on a diet, I want to stay away from my friend who will shove chocolate cake in my face and tell me "one bit won't matter".   There will be others offering me cake, but its easier to say no to them.  When I feel more confident in my ability to say no to her, I will hang around her again - or maybe realize she was not the right friend for me all along.

My main concern is my son's recovery, so yes, I am glad those two are not in close proximity to him right now.

Second, and more importantly, I love Anthony.  I still do, I always will.  Aside from Kev, he is someone I've shed the most tears over, and spent the most time and energy (and money) trying to help (not enable, support).  So of course I feel bad for him.  As naive as it sounds - I had a lot of hope for him this time.  He's been in and out of rehabs and prison for years, always funded by the state, and now that our state is so financially f'd up, his funding was cut.  Its just a fact of life and he's going to have to find a plan "B".

And I care about Jon too.  But, Jon has been kicked out of every rehab he's been in.  Usually for using drugs or "fraternizing" with female residents.  This time he was kicked out for using Bath Salts.  Jon was also being paid for by the State, and that money could have went to someone who was more serious about recovery.  Jon was there because he had to be, he has never seriously followed a program, never humbled himself and is apparently not ready.  I feel bad for his parents who, like the rest of us, are in a lot of pain.   I want him to get better, but I want to do it far away from Keven.

Keven has grown a lot in the last few years and no longer idolizes these two as much as he once did.   But Kev is the guy that would do anything to save a friend no matter what the cost to himself.  In fact, a couple years ago Jon OD'd when he was with Keven.  Keven was on probation at the time and knew he'd go to jail but didn't care, he called 911 and kept Jon breathing with CPR until they go there.  Jon spent a few days in the hospital.  The cops did NOT take Keven in.  When he told them straight up that he was on probation they said, "okay, you did what most friends wouldn't do for this guy, just leave now".

And the cop was right, just a month or so ago Jon OD'd when he was with Anthony.  Ant pulled his body out of the car, left him on the sidewalk, drove away and called 911 hoping they'd get there before it was too late.

This is the life and death stuff our addicts deal with.  Scary and sad.

So, this big long post was to say, I get it, I know Keven has to learn to say no and that there will always be influences in his life.  And, I'm disappointed for Ant and Jon (although, I do have anger toward him cause he's the one that got Keven to use when he was 17....).





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

End of the World as We Know It, etc.

I just realized something....if the Rapture really does happen tomorrow I will lose a lot of blog readers AND I will lose my son!  He's a Christian (I used to be).

I know its not going to happen, but if by some chance it did, that would be very depressing, especially in light of the upcoming U2 concert.  I think Adam would be the only one left on the stage, and although he's an awesome bass player, it wouldn't be much of a show with our Larry, The Edge and that other dude.

I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend anyone.  Its just kind of hard not to make fun of something like this since its clear in the Bible that no one will KNOW when Jesus is coming back.

Today is Kev's 14th day at "United" and he should be allowed to call me.  I spoke with his counselor yesterday regarding an issue with his meds (he ran out) and used the opportunity to ask how he was doing.  He said, "Excellent.  He has a great attitude, participates in groups and asks good questions.  He seems to be embracing the concepts of the program.  But, he's young".

It was nice to hear those words.  I took them with a grain of salt because he just described "Keven at Rehab".  That's his MO every time, but what you see is not always what you get.  I will remain hopeful but realistic.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I have a good feeling...

All of my hopes and optimism are underlined in reality, but I can't help but feel good about "United Recovery Home".  They picked him up from jail today and he's there!  I got to see and HUG him when I dropped of his stuff.

The difference between this place and CS (the last place) is like the difference between the Hyatt Regency and a Motel 6.

At the last place, he was in a private home with a pool, shared a room with one other guy, and slept on a bed with a TEMPURPEDIC mattress!  They had a private bath, a maid that did the cleaning, and planned what they wanted to eat each week.  I could do on...but you get the idea.  The residents were mostly young white males with rich families or damn good insurance, there were a few other ethnicities and some females  as well.

This place is 6 men to a room - two sets of three high bunk beds.  Community showers and bathrooms.  One room with old couches and chairs for meetings, a couple of offices, a kitchen.   The residents are mostly lower income, a lot of older guys (like over 40), 80% Hispanic (its designed for Hispanic males but they decided to let others in too if they could pay, it is a fraction of what CS cost*), no females.

It reminds me of a hardcore, down and dirty recovery home where they don't mess around coddling the residents, they do what needs to be done.  But they also go to the beach, the movies, and the park so there is a balance of having some recreation too.

I am not knocking either place, I am glad he went to CS, the staff was phenomenal, the one on one attention was great.  He had "fun" because he was among his peers and everyone thought he was cool.  This place, I doubt anyone is going to be thinking of him as cool!  The guy in charge looks like Joe Average but has prison tats, which means the residents respect him cause he's one of them.

He was happy to be there and told me he loved me and would see me again in a month.  I feel hopeful.

*I just did the math, its 5 times less expensive per day!  Less than it would cost me to support him myself if he lived at home!

I don't regret sending him to CS,  he benefited a lot from it and made a very good (safe, older, mature) friend there.  But  a note to other parents contemplating spending their inheritance, their 401K or their child's college fund for Residential Rehab - you don't have to.  There are alternatives.  I guess we'll see how it goes.

He's Going into 90 Day Residential (again)

You know that they say:  The third time's the charm!  Yesterday Kev asked to stay in Recovery Court and go to another 90 day program, followed by sober living.  Part of me is very pleased that he made this decision and part of me is nervous because I know it means that he is seriously worried about his sobriety (which he admits).  So lets hope this experience is positive and puts him closer down the path to true recovery.

He still has one year to finish the four phases of Recovery Court which, if you don't mess up, takes 18 months.  He's already been it for 17 months and never made it past phase two.

I don't want to give the name of the new place on my blog but its the Spanish word for "united" so I will call it United.  It will be very different from the cushy environment he had at the last place.  United has 15 beds and caters mostly to Hispanic or homeless men.  Its located in "Little Saigon" so it will also be a cultural experience (instead of walking down the street to McDonald's, there will Vietnamese food).

Its further for me to drive and visit, but that's okay.  He's not allowed visitors for the first 30 days.

Now here's the DOWNSIDE:  United shares a building with another rehab, a much  bigger one that has about 75 people.  Guess who called me last night and told me he's going there for 90 days?  ANTHONY.  And there's another old drug friend who is already there.  They will only see each other when both facilities have a break at the same time and they are all outside smoking.  But --- its a bit of a concern to me.

In other news:  I haven't done anything creative lately so I am going to get out my paints and my pens today and see what happens.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Missin My Boy - and a rant

Some days I miss him a lot.  Like today.

I'm against locking addicts up in jail, sometimes it does more harm than good (what good does it do????)

What always fails to make sense to me is that the American Medical Association declared addiction to be a disease in 1956 - yet we are treating it as a crime.

The criteria for addiction as a disease:

Primary: The illness exists in and of itself. (But may manifest in addition to other illnesses.)

Chronic: Does not go away, heal spontaneously or remit.

Progressive: Over time it gets worse.

Symptomatic: Can be diagnosed by the way it manifests in a person’s physiology, behavior and lifestyle.

Fatal: If left untreated will result in death.

Treatable: Proven medication, therapies, and lifestyle changes do result in the ability to live without the abused substance

But we keep stuffing our jails and prisons with more and more drug addicts.  Sure, the commit crimes related to drug use (mostly theft to get money for their drugs) but what if we treated them instead of locking them up again and again.  Instead of all the money taxpayers spend on housing, feeding and guarding over these prisoners - how about it we spend it on some TREATMENT OF THE DISEASE instead?  Only the very wealthy (or the very willing to go deep into debt) can afford the outrageous cost of in-patient drug treatment (and that's with insurance).  Its not right.

Wow.  This was going to be a simple post about missing Keven, but it kind of got me going on one of my many pet peeves...


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Very Fortunate for Keven's Rehab

I have mixed feelings about writing this because I don't want to sound negative but I want to be honest.  Also, it makes  me mad but also makes me feel fortunate.

The current Rehab he is in is really, really good.  The people that work there, the personalized attention given to each person, the program structure, everything about it is high quality.  BUT, that's because you have to pay for it.  We have insurance that covered a large portion but check out how much Keven's 90 day stay would be without it:  $25,000!  Twenty five frigging thousand dollars.....that's almost a  year's salary for me when I am working!  For 90 days!  And the thing is - there are no guarantees.  If there was a guarantee that this would "fix" him it would be worth it because it would be like buying his future...but there are none.  A young man from there OD'd (and died) last week after completing the program and being out for less than a month.

On the other hand there is the Rehab he was in last year.  I am not knocking it, it was also wonderful but it was FREE to us and if we would have had to pay it would have been $9,000.  Still sounds like a lot of money but compared to 25 - 9 is not that bad.  I'd say that 90% of the people there were in the county paid program.
There were also very qualified and caring people working there, but the counselor/client ratio was a lot different and they simply weren't able to offer all the resources this other place has.

So the sad truth is - if you are "privileged" (i.e. have money) your get better treatment.  And even though my son was raised by a single  mom with a low income most of his live, he is still privileged because of his aunt and grandmother's generosity.  I don't know how the rest of my family feels about their "inheritance" being spend on Keven's rehab, but she said she would have spent it on his college education if not for this.  Don't even get me started on how depressing that is....college or rehab (i know many of you can relate).

So, all this to say - last night we had an AWESOME family group.  I wrote about it on my other blog.  Keven was called on the carpet and asked some tough questions that related to me.  I sat there listening with half my brain (the co-dependent half) thinking "oh no, this is so hard on him, poor Keven...) and the other half thinking "YES!  FINALLY SOMEONE HAD THE GUTS TO ASK HIM THIS QUESTION IN FRONT OF ME AND HIS PEERS AND FORCED HIM TO LOOK AT IT AND SEE IT EVEN IF HE WON'T CONFRONT IT DIRECTLY".  It was a breakthrough moment for me personally in MANY ways.

I even told the group and Keven that he did't have to use me as an excuse "I hate upsetting my mom" because guess what - your mom is stronger than she was two years ago when this hell started and she does not get upset in the same way and she can take it now!  It was awesome, cause it was TRUE!

Thanks for listening to all this.

I am headed out to Gilbert's funeral and will be reading  your blogs when I get home later.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Residential Treatment Is Helping Him

I am back at this blog.  I never can "quit" a blog even when I feel like I am ready to.  I found myself writing about Keven on my other blog and that was something I did not want to do.

So for the faithful few that continually read our journey I have some pretty good news:

Kev has been in residential treatment for two weeks now.  He likes it.  I hear him saying things that I know he has learned from the program.  For example, he's realized that he keeps doing the same thing over and over (returning home after jail or rehab) and he listed all the reasons it was too easy for him to fall back into the drug lifestyle here.  Therefore he won't be coming home.  I am grateful that he sees this and even though I will miss him a little bit, I am glad he will be on his own learning what its like to be responsible for himself.

So - please pray he can GET A JOB!  He will be allowed to look for one in a few weeks and is allowed to work as part of the program he's in.

I am keeping up with all of you and some of the news is excellent, some not so great.  But we have to remember we are all at different places on this road and at any time - it can all change (for the better or the worse).  Sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

This is Where I Am Hoping Keven Will Be:

We have been searching diligently for the last few days for an affordable place for Keven to do out-patient treatment. Its court-ordered so we don't have a choice in the matter but since I have to pay for it, I want it to be affordable and helpful.

(could not get the photos to post but the place looks like a resort spa, not a rehab!)

He was suppose to go into St. Joseph's Hospital Dual Diagnosis program (they have a good reputation) but they REJECTED him based on the fact he did not have enough days clean. That pissed me off. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

So I found this place: Sovereign Health of CA Treatment

Not only is it VERY affordable (they take my insurance and waive the part I would pay for myself) but its beautiful and the day to day stuff they do sounds wonderful...I WANT TO GO - they do yoga, swim, meditate, get group and individual therapy....sign me up. I need it more than he does! I wonder if I can fake being an addict for a few months?

So, lets hope he gets in. I just hope they will make an exception for him to miss some of every week for court and probation....

I am still not thrilled that he has to be treated for his "mental illness" because I don't think he has one. But my hands are tied on that issue.

Dual Diagnosis Treatment: How it works

Dual diagnosis drug day treatment along with sober living is offered at our Sovereign Health of California Treatment Center in San Clemente. The primary objectives in treating addiction and dual diagnosis patients in a rehab center are to decrease those costly, repetitive drug rehab services you may be having and to address your whole world and not just part of the problem. Our multi-disciplinary team provides an intensive, practical dual diagnostic drug treatment modality at our center to increase harmony and understanding between family members, friends and community.

We are committed to giving knowledge about aspects of life skills that will enable participants to think conceptually and maintain the ability to think critically after treatment and for years to come.

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Bipolar
• Panic Disorder
• Addictions

When you enter into day treatment and sober living at Sovereign Health, your treatment begins with a series of assessments. These assessments will determine the nature of specific psychological issues and the extent to which these issues will affect recovery from alcohol or drugs. The initial assessment is referred to a medical doctor and addresses treatment needs.

After this initial meeting, you’ll be seen by the clinical director to identify issues that need work while in treatment. The results of these assessments are used to formulate an individual treatment plan that will be used to treat each client’s unique problems.

By treating you as a whole person, we can help you get it right the first time, and end the revolving door approach that may be causing you so much lasting pain.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Good Rehab Advise from Nikki

I've known a lot of addicts over the last 30 years or so. When I stop and think about it, not many have never fallen back at least once or twice to their drug of choice whether it be alcohol, heroin or RX drugs.

Those that do have long term success didn't get there the first time. Once again I think of Nikki Sixx. Dad on Fire posted this today and its good stuff.

Here is what Nikki has to say about what makes a Rehab facility "good". Phoenix House, where Keven was last year, met 4 out of 5 (it was co-ed which is a shame because I can see the value in not having the distraction and temptation of the opposite sex around during the initial recovery period):

"So how does one separate the good from the bad? Experts and recovery addicts gave these five must-haves for any rehab program:

1. No amenities

The recovering addicts and experts were all adamant on this point. "Places that have lots of amenities automatically concern me, because this is not supposed to be a fun experience," says Dr. Ralph Lopez, an adolescent medicine specialist and associate professor at Cornell University Medical College in New York City. Lopez, who has ushered many people through the rehab process, says taking responsibility for your own mess -- making your own bed, clearing your own tray off the lunch table -- is a crucial part of recovery.

Sixx agrees. "They had me cleaning the toilets," he says.

It's also important to get over your pride, says Christopher Kennedy Lawford, an actor who abused drugs and alcohol for decades, beginning with an LSD trip at 13. "You need to get humble, to get on your knees," he says.

2. An experienced staff

Because people can call themselves addiction counselors with little training or experience, look for a psychiatrist on the staff who's certified by the American Society of Addiction Medicine, says Jon Morgenstern, a psychologist and vice-president of CASA. He says the others on the staff should be psychologists or social workers licensed in addiction medicine counseling, mental health counseling, or both.

Morgenstern also advises asking how long the clinical director has been there, since some centers have huge turnover. "If they've only been there six months or a year, that's not a good sign," he says.

3. Individual therapy

While group therapy is the cornerstone of addiction treatment programs, it's important to have individual sessions two or three times a week, Morgenstern says.

4. Gender-separate facilities

This isn't true for everyone, but experts say many addicts do better when they're not around the opposite sex, especially if they've been victims of sexual abuse. "If a woman was raped when she was drunk, she's not going to handle a co-ed setting well for most of her work," says Jeanette Friedman, a social worker in New York City who's helped many clients through the rehab process.

5. A good exit strategy

Because most programs are only 28 days -- and recovery usually takes much longer than that -- look for one that has a very specific plan for how to keep you sober after you get out, Friedman and others advise.

Sixx has one more piece of advice, and he says it's more important than any other: The addict has to be ready for rehab. He says he tried rehab in 1985, and while he got off heroin, he continued to abuse other drugs. It took him 16 years to try again and succeed. He says addicts need to be psychologically ready to "peel the onion" to figure out the underlying reasons why they turned to drugs. "It's a long process," he says. "You've got to deal with it head-on, and it fucking hurts."

Lawford agrees. He says he, too, needed to figure out why he sought the mental escape of drugs. "All addicts are running away from something. We just use different color sneakers," he says.

Sixx says despite all the ups and downs, this is a good time in his life. "I'm starting my life over again, and it's not so bad," he says. "Life is not a G-rated movie. Just because it's hard, it doesn't mean it's bad. It's beautiful." (full article here)

Nikki wrote an album of songs after he published "The Heroin Diaries". This one is called Life is Beautiful:

Finding a Good Rehab

This may be helpful info, it talks about a new site designed to help find a good rehab and avoid the sales pitch you often get by searching for one online:

The perils of online rehab finders.

CALL NOW FOR HELP, say the sites designed to assist people in locating addiction treatment services in their area. But when you call that 800 number to speak to a “rehab counselor,” chances are you end up getting a sales pitch for a specific for-profit chain of rehab centers, rather than an objective survey of all available resources and how they might fit your personal needs.

Perhaps it’s not surprising that the simple act of reaching out for help, for pertinent resources, is sometimes perilous online. Everybody’s got something to sell, it seems. Few sites offer objective information in detail, without special pleading of one sort or another.  Even Scientology, working under the alias of Narconon, has its own rehab register, featuring the 120 drug and alcohol centers operated according to the principles of that well-known expert on drug and alcohol problems, L. Ron Hubbard.

One workaround is to stick with government sources. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) has a decent one HERE.  But even government rehab finding pages are one-size-fits-all affairs, and sometimes suffer from a lack of regular updating.

Recently, the All About Addiction (A3)  website has rolled out a new rehab finder with some nice features that should go a long way toward filling the gap. Adi Jaffe, the site’s director and the motivating force behind the creation of the new rehab finder, is working on his PhD in Psychology at UCLA.  Jaffe’s original idea for a call center gradually morphed into a plan for an online tool. In an interview with Addiction Inbox, Jaffe expanded on the rationale for putting together a rehab finder he believes addresses some of the shortcomings found on other sites:

 “I decided to put together the rehab finder because I thought it was sad that with all the technology we have, the best way to find treatment was either to do a general Google search (cue paid ads by providers that charge a lot and can therefore pay for advertising) that results in lists upon lists of providers, or go the SAMHSA treatment locator, which only searches by location,” Jaffe explained in an email exchange. “I thought we could do better. I believe that if we can make it easier for people to find the right treatment we will increase enrollment in treatment because people will find treatment they can afford, and improve treatment outcomes because the treatment-client fit will improve.”

A further refinement is represented by a 20-question survey.  Questions about gender, employment status, health insurance, and mental health are designed to narrow the field of pertinent recommendations. Detailed questions about drug use, including amount spent per month, are also included. What the new rehab finder does NOT ask for is your name, your phone number, or your e-mail address, as other such sites commonly do. So there is no danger of follow-up sales calls or spam.

“For the most part, we don’t match people based on the treatment approach (CBT, MI, 12 step, or others), that’s been tried and failed – there seems to be little difference and we don’t know how to match there yet,” Jaffe said. “What we do is match on gender, age, insurance, mental health status, specific addiction specialty, and other factors like the need for detox, or specific treatments for specific drugs (like buprenorphine for heroin).”

Jaffe is now seeking funds for a study of the new finder’s effectiveness.  “I’d like to set up a few different versions (including a location-only search like SAMHSA’s) and see if our version works better,” he said. “It also lends itself to constant improvement based on the actual results obtained.”

As the A3 site says: Rehab is hard. Finding it shouldn’t be.

Source:  Dirk Hanson

Helplessly Hoping ~ Let Go Hang On

I just finished reading Peggy's blog, Helplessly Hoping, where she shares the details of getting her daughter Hayley into Detox to be followed by Rehab.

It's quite a story!  It seems like just yesterday that her daughter wanted nothing to do with recovery or getting better and now she's in the process.  The long, difficult, process has begun so we can hope and pray she sticks with it.  Peggy is relieved to have her there but it brings a new concern "will she stay?".

Do we ever stop wondering if they will stay on the right path?  Even after three years of staying clean someone I know and love dearly relapsed recently and it was devastating because I had not expected it.

Anna's daughter, Let Go Hang On, is also staying clean right now and is at home with her family.  Its been wonderful to read about her the last week or so - how she's been working in the yard with her dad, playing tennis with her sister, visiting her grandmother.  It sounds so healthy....yet she still has demons to battle.  Such a sweet girl.

Both these young women have loving families and so much to live for, so much potential (don't all our kids?)

Its funny, I see a bit of my son in almost all the addicts I know.  That makes me wonder if its they type of personality that becomes an addict or if its the type of personality you develop because you're an addict?

As for my son - he just left for probation.  I LOVE probation : )  I wish he could stay on it forever...just kidding...sort of.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Does this infuriate you as it does me?

First of all, thanks Ron for pointing out the Diane Sawyer report on heroin in the Suburbs. And thank you Diane for finally using your popularity to promote awareness.

BUT....isn't this a bit too little too late? That's what pissed me off. This is the kind of thing that really makes me MAD.

I have known about this problem for YEARS (even before my son started using). 

In this report they say they are shocked:

that its being done in broad daylight, in the suburbs by teens as young as Jr. High

at how addicting it is, that you can get hooked the first time you try it

that there are kids lined up for beds at treatment facilities but not enough beds to handle the number of addicts

that thousands of teens dying and thousands more are becoming addicts every day!

that only ONE out of TEN heroin addicts succeeds at rehabilitation (our kids are not numbers - but this is a scary statistic and I refused to let it define Keven, Anthony or Kelly. Although, I do believe its true).

DUH! If someone in the media would have listened to the FEW who tried to spread the word a few years ago instead of reporting on some of the ridiculous topics they choose, MAYBE something could have been done to prevent:

This is why I am doing what I can as an individual to increase awareness. I have joined a group (the name is still being agreed on) that partners with several other groups to promote CHANGE. This group was the same one that passed Prop. 36 here in California, so they know what they are doing and have the means to get laws into affect. I am honored to be involved.

Next month we are demonstrating on the court steps in one of the Biggest Cities in our State. I will be there with my sign. It will have a picture of Anthony and a picture of Keven. I am not sure what its going to say yet, but the idea is: Both of these young men deserved an equal opportunity for rehabilitation. One was pushed through the prison system, where he sits today at age 22. The other is moving forward with his life with 8 months of sobriety and a fresh start.

I don't get angry easily. I save my anger for things that matter, and this matters. 

Bottom line:

MAYBE IF OUR GOVERNMENT WOULD SPEND MORE TIME GETTING THE DAMN HEROIN OUT OF THE COUNTRY THERE WOULD BE NO NEED TO BUILD MORE AND MORE REHABS - BUT BECAUSE THEY KEEP LETTING IT IN TO RUIN LIVES THEN THEY BETTER START PAYING FOR US TO HAVE OUR KIDS TREATED AND RE-DESIGN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM TO GIVE ADDICTS A CHANCE INSTEAD OF TREATING THEM LIKE CRIMINALS. IF THEY THINK THE PRISONS ARE OVERFLOWING RIGHT NOW JUST WAIT AND WATCH AS MORE AND MORE TEEN ADDICTS BECOME ADULTS IN PRISON (if they live to be adults) AND AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF YOUNG ADULTS SPENDING TIME IN JAIL INSTEAD OF COLLEGE OR WORKING. IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING, BUT MOSTLY IT AFFECTS THE FAMILIES WHO LOSE THEIR CHILDREN TO THIS EVIL DRUG THAT IS ALLOWED TO BE SOLD (ILLEGALLY) IN OUR COUNTRY YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR.


Peace, Hope and Love (and sometimes anger),

Barbara

P.S. I still hear people say, "my kid will never try that stuff". FYI:

Almost ALL of us said that at one time. I hope parents of young children are thinking "how can I prevent my child from trying that stuff" instead of fooling themselves to think there kid is different.  It happens to all types of people, even kids with loving parents that have had a good upbringing. 


P.S.S.  Someone pointed out to me that my son deserves some credit for his recovery, that the court ordered program helped but that ultimately it was his choice (and continues to be each and every day).  This is very true.  I am proud of my son and tell him that often.  I guess I don't say it enough on my blog, but I am very proud of my boy.

You can't always stop them, but sure as heck can try.

My Ships Crossed in the Night!

Check out this timing!!!

Keven comes home tomorrow, Anthony got in today!





Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

I said no...

Ant came over today.  He asked if he could stay here a few days (his grandparents kicked him out again).  I said no.

I saw bruises on his arm.  He admitted he'd used.

He cried in my arms and said he didn't want to use anymore.

If Keven wasn't coming home in a few days I would have let him stay here, right or wrong.  But no way can he stay.  Just seeing those bruises would send Keven into a horrible place.  

Ant has two weeks till there's a bed open.  Two weeks is a long time when you have nothing to do and be in constant temptation.  No where to sleep, no friends to hang out with.  I am not blaming the system for his problems, I am just saying that the system is broken.  He's a wreck.  He looks bad.  I am scared.  There is nothing I can do.  I hate this.

(artwork by Nico)

P.S.  Now he's out in our driveway washing his gf's car listening to Pink Floyd:

Come in here, Dear boy, have a cigar.
You're gonna go far,
You're gonna fly high,
You're never gonna die,
You're gonna make it, if you try;
They're gonna love you.
Well I've always had a deep respect,
And I mean that most sincere.
The band is just fantastic,
that is really what I think.
Oh by the way, which one's Pink?

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Sitting up and Talking

We both burst into tears when I walked into his room yesterday and saw him SITTING in a chair!

Had a good, emotional visit.  Learned what really happened that night (note:  Coachella "brand" heroin is bad stuff).  It was wild seeing him "back".  Of course he says he's learned his lesson and this is it, etc. etc. etc.  They always say that.  But one of these times he will have to mean it and I am going to do my part in helping him succeed this time.

No one has every really given him an opportunity other than juvenile hall, then jail, then prison - and all the cheapest, least well-run sober livings.  He's never had a true rehab experience.

I called his Parole officer last night.  Yes, I know this is something I should let him do for himself, but he can't right now, and I rather err on the side of being too helpful than letting him get lost in the prison system again and repeat this process over and over till he's dead.  I have a very small window of opportunity and am going to use it to do all I can to get him in a rehab.

Anyhow, long story short he has a new parole officer who has never even met Anthony.  I told him about him.  At the beginning of our conversation he has said he's going straight back to Chino when he's released from the hospital (for parole violation) but I said PLEASE - he needs help, he's weak, he's sick, he needs a rehab.  So the PO agreed with me and said if Ant enrolls himself in a rehab (lock-down facility) he will allow him to do that instead of Chino.

There is only one free "rehab" which is the Salvation Army and I really don't think that's the best route for him.  He needs someplace like PH.  There are no funds left in our county to help him out so I am going to call around and beg and plea.  Something I never did for K.  But there's a drastic difference between someone who's in the "system" for the first time and someone who's been in and out of it since he was a kid and still has never been treated like someone who needs help.  K was so fortunate.

I have to wonder - why did they treat K so differently?  I don't know.  Maybe cause they could see he had a loving family and support from home etc so his chances were better.  They look at Ant and see a kid with  no family, who's dad's rap sheet fills pages, and think "he's just a low-life that is never going to change".

I am reading blogs but not commenting.  I am sorry for the sadness hardships I see some of you going through. 


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

He's Out and He's In !!! :)

After 89 days in jail, K is now at P. H.  He was happy to see us and I got about four warm hugs!  It felt SO GOOD.

He seemed upbeat and glad to be there.


Its a very positive environment and I will see him again TONIGHT for the family group meeting.  I am cautiously optimistic!!!!

Thanks for all of your encouragement and comments, I appreciate each and every one!

Song of the day:

Beautiful Day - U2

YES!

Got a call from PH.  She's on her way to pick K up at Lacy AND she invited me and my sis to meet them back at PH for the intake so we can see him for the first time in 89 days!  Hug him, touch him!  I had no idea parents were invited to this.  His PO told me to distance myself so I actually told her that I might not come up there --- but I can't miss this opportunity!

Then tonight Family Group happens so I will see him again.

I am a nervous - how will he react?  He better be happy to see me!!!

Two More Days Till He's Here:

K's Parole Officer called me tonight, I really like him.  At first he started to say "you'll need to pick him up at 6:30 am get him to his doctors then bring him to PH."

WHOA!  I did NOT want to pick him up.  I reminded him that K had 30 day supply of his meds with refills so it was not necessary to take him to his doctor.

Thank goodness...cause that would have been a nightmare.  I can see it now...me picking him up and him refusing to go and that would be the end of that.  Luckily he is arranging for someone else to transfer K straight from jail to PH.

Its a lovely old house isn't it?  He's so fortunate to be able to go there.  His PO is also going to remind him that this is a privilage to be able to be in this program and that he has to focus on himself...This is a very strict but GOOD program.  I am so grateful he was court ordered to go, there is no way I could afford even a week there let alone 90 days!

I'll be honest.  I am scared.  I am really scared.  K is used to having his own way (I can see how I went wrong in not allowing him to experience more consequences and making life "too easy" for him).  He will try every possibly way to make this experiences as "easy" as possible.  Its going to be HARD.  Way harder than jail.

Two more days.  This is what I've been waiting for, but I'm so nervous.

WE HAVE A DATE!

I just talked to P. H. they are placing K on November 19th!!  Its still over a week away and he's getting very anxious/upset again, so hopefully it will help him to have a firm date.  It means he won't be able to come home for his birthday, but maybe for Christmas :)

82 Days Clean

K's been incarcerated for 82 days.  I like to look at it as "82 days clean and sober".  I wonder if he would have got this far if he weren't in jail.  I honestly doubt it.  The longest he'd gone before was 30 days.

The last time he was in jail (22 days) he used three days after getting out.

And the wonderful thing is...he goes straight into court ordered rehab.  That means if he messes up (tests dirty or violates probation in any way) he goes straight back to jail.

Never in a million years could you have convinced me that I would find such a sense of relief for my only child to be in jail, but I am grateful.  The way he was living, the alternative would have been the cemetery.

Of course that cycle could easily start again, but I am celebrating the positive until I have a reason not to.