No More Putting off the Inevitable _UPDATE

Things are not going well.
I talked to the hospital and his doctor and the plan was in motion until he woke up and said he refuses to go.  He begged me to wait until Monday and see if he was "better".  That would be funny if it weren't so sad.  So as of right now we will go to Dr. H at 2 pm as planned and take it from there.  I don't want to call the cops to get him to the hospital...I don't think I can stand seeing that happen again.  I've done it before and I will again if I have to.  I feel sick and numb at the same time.

In the meantime his Probation Officer showed up here unexpectedly!  She was here to check his meds.  She didn't seem to notice that he had been high last night, and I didn't tell her.  She'll test him Monday.  If she would have brought a drug test he'd be on his way to jail right now.  Jail is not the solution for him.

I guess today it's "one minute at a time".  I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel very helpless, afraid and confused.

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Hello dear blog family....I'm very tired.  Up most of the night.  Will spare you the details and give you the facts:

- he smoked heroin yesterday
- he said it was either that or suicide
- I said, then you need to be hospitalized
- he said "okay"

He didn't want to go right then, and I didn't push it, but of course my concern is that he will change his mind.

First we are going to his last psychiatrist appointment.  He had planned to go alone, but I am not leaving his side for one second today.  I will let him talk privately but I want to let Dr. H know our plans and hopefully he will agree.   I am surprised he hasn't suggested it before.

My fear is, nothing will help him.  This will be the pattern for his life.  Six months of meds have not helped so far, and then he had to open the door to heroin again!!!  So now he's fighting that demon and the ones that he sees.  PLEASE LET THERE BE A COMPETENT DOCTOR EVALUATING HIM AND HELPING HIM!


I know its silly to worry about money at a time like this, but its a constant stress for me and there are still over $1,000 of bills from last time he went in.  They are in his name but I signed the "responsible party" agreement so eventually all this will catch up to me.  Thank God his dad has insurance for him because I don't even have any for myself.  I will "let it go" and deal with it later.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Urgent.... Updated

Thanks for all the comments...Waking up to them was like getting a warm hug from all of you.  I know Keven's pattern and he's always better in the morning....its like a cycle.  But it will escalate throughout the day.  I stayed in his room last night so he could sleep and now he's going to Probation.  When he gets home I will talk to him about what we need to do...since nothing is helping him so far.  I mentioned the hospital last night and he said he might need to go, but then he seemed to calm down, so I dropped it.

He thinks it could be a spiritual thing since the meds don't work and he feels that the hallucinations are evil and trying to get him.

He did not mention wanting a clean needle today - which is what I was hoping.  Of course that doesn't mean he won't use.  There is nothing I can do about it if he does.

Tomorrow is his last appointment with his wonderful psychiatrist (he's retiring, good for him, bad for us).   I have to work so I can't go but I emailed him my concerns.  One problem is that his current doctor, Dr. H believes he has BP and his new doctor that has only seen him once thinks he as OCD.  I think Dr. H would know since he's seen him weekly or bi-weekly since January.

I hate this.  I hate when he seems okay only to find out he's not okay at all, just trying to protect me from how bad it is so that my life is affected.   I love him so much.

P.S.  Currently he's on:
Risperdal
Depakote
Neuronitn
Abilify
Welbutrin
Trazadone (for sleep)

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He's seeing things again, really bad things.  He's freaking out.  I am going to stay up with him tonight.  He wants to use tomorrow.

WHY CAN'T ANYONE HELP HIM?  WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Why can't he get a diagnosis?  He thinks he has Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, if he can figure that out why can't the dr?  Why aren't the meds working?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE WORKING BUT HE JUST TOLD ME HE'S BEEN HIDING IT FROM ME HOW BAD THINGS WERE until he broke down tonight.

What am I suppose to do?  Sit by and watch him suffer and want to either use or kill himself to escape the demons (literally - that's what he sees) that are plaguing him?

He starts the day out manic and then cycles into this really freaky hallucinatory state.  I am afraid that if I take him to the hospital and they lock him up he will have an even worse breakdown...but I may not have a choice.

damn it....why do I ever think things are better?  they never are!

Hallucinations are most often associated with the mental illness schizophrenia. However, hallucinations may also occur for those with bipolar disorder when either depression or mania has psychotic features. Hallucinations are one possible characteristic specifically of Bipolar I Disorder; other less severe types of manic depression (Bipolar II and Cyclothymia, for example) by definition exclude the presence of hallucinations.

Psychosis

:Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality, typically including delusions (false ideas about what is taking place or who one is), hallucinations (seeing or hearing things which aren't there), and disorganized thinking.

Psychosis is associated with the manic phase of bipolar I disorder, schizophrenia, andschizoaffective disorder. Other conditions where psychosis may be present includepostpartum psychosis, dementia, depressive episodes, Parkinson's disease and multiple sclerosis. The use of certain illegal drugs, including methamphetamine, can bring on psychotic episodes.

source:  About.com

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara