Never In My Wildest Dreams....

I remember finding out I was pregnant.  I actually screamed into the phone at the nurse who called with the news:  "No!  NO!!!!"  Obviously it was an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy.  I cried for weeks, mostly because I was grieving the loss of my life as I knew it, as a carefree single woman free to live life as she pleased, responsible only for herself.

But as the weeks turned into months and I felt my baby move inside me, I fell in love.  Madly in love.  I had no idea if it was a boy or a girl, but I loved him/her with all my heart before he/she was even born.  That love exploded when I gave birth to a perfect little boy.  I had never knew love like that existed, that it was possible, it was all new to me and being a mom was the Best Thing That Ever Happened.

Years went by.  There was always something unique about my son.  He was a lot like I was growing up - often withdrawn and depressed but still had fun and enjoyed life for the most part.  There were struggles but we got through them and as far as I knew Everything Was Fine.

I was wrong.  The drug years started.  Arrests.  Drug diversion programs.  Suicide Attempt.  Rehab.  In patient, Out patient.  More Arrests....well you know the story if you read here.  And for the last 8 months He Has Not Used Drugs.

I thought maybe life would take a turn for the "normal".  Sure, there was a diagnosis for Bi-Polar that was very serious, but it could be treated with the right meds.  He had plans for the future.  He's dating a nice girl.  He is doing things to help others and staying out of trouble.  But now it looks like Things Are More Serious Than We Thought.

We don't have a diagnosis yet but I can't find anything anywhere that is giving me hope.  His symptoms are worsening.  This is the age when "it" usually manifests itself.  He has all the signs of "it".  We go to his psychiatrist again today (I'm going broke paying for him).  Even if Keven is doing all the right things to care for himself there is still No Guarantees in Life.

Never in my wildest dreams would I be thinking about my son's future in terms of whether or not he will be able to function like a normal adult, if he will be able to live alone, hold a job, have friends.  I don't want him to have "it".  Sure, there are meds to control it - but do you know what those meds do to a person?  I do.  I've learned all about it in my NAMI classes because many of the people in the class have schizophrenics in their lives.  Even with meds, life will never be "normal".

My own life did not turn out as planned.  I accepted that and changed course and have no regrets at choosing to have my son.  But now it looks like his life will not turn out as planned either.  I may not even get grandkids.

They say it takes six months of symptoms to diagnose "it" but I can't wait that long.  He is in danger.  He needs some sort of help now.  I don't know what will happen today at the Dr. visit.  I will keep you posted.

Still don't know if I am making this blog private or not.  I want to protect him.  Yet on the other hand, I want to fight against the stigma mental illness carries so running off and hiding because of it is the opposite of the message I want to send.  Its very complicated.

Thanks for reading this....

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara