I was very happy this morning (if you want to know why you can check my other blog, too hard to explain here).
Then when I got home Keven was having a hard day. He went to probation today as (he goes every Mon. and Thurs.) and they were all told that there would be no probation on Monday due to Memorial Day.
Because of this "everyone" was offering him drugs since suddenly they had an entire WEEK before the next drug test and "they" offered him whatever he wanted. One guy said he had a rig and heroin waiting at home.
Keven was tempted to the point that he was sick, literally. He told me how much he loved the high. He described it in detail.
I said "but is a 30 second high worth losing everything over?"
He said "yes, its that good." He reminded me that people who have 20 years or more sometimes relapse. He feels like he will never win this battle.
He's also upset that he has not been diagnosed and therefore has not been helped. He feels like he will never be normal nor be in control of his impulses, horrible thoughts and the feelings of paranoia.
He still feels that something "bad" is going to happen but he's not sure if he will be doing something or if it will be done to him.
It feels like things go forward one step and then backwards two. I feel helpless. I don't know what to do. Some doctor must be able to correctly diagnose him.
:(
P.S. On a positive note: he is super close to getting his high school diploma.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
April 19, 2010
Even more anger
I am scared.
Not to the point of calling the police or anything, but I will if I have to. He finally told me that three weeks ago he woke up feeling the same way he used to feel when he was on drugs. He is barely able to control himself but is trying. We have another urgent appt. with his dr. tomorrow but last week's obviously didn't help. He says he's taking his meds but I know he stopped one (on drs. approval). Why does he have to suffer this way? I blamed it all on the drugs but so much of it is the mental illness...which is means its with him for life even if he stays off drugs.
Why does life have to be like this?
I feel sick. I don't know what to do. I am trying not to worry. I just don't know what he's capable of doing. He is aware that he doesn't want to be this way. I see it in his eyes - he's even more scared than me.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
Not to the point of calling the police or anything, but I will if I have to. He finally told me that three weeks ago he woke up feeling the same way he used to feel when he was on drugs. He is barely able to control himself but is trying. We have another urgent appt. with his dr. tomorrow but last week's obviously didn't help. He says he's taking his meds but I know he stopped one (on drs. approval). Why does he have to suffer this way? I blamed it all on the drugs but so much of it is the mental illness...which is means its with him for life even if he stays off drugs.
Why does life have to be like this?
I feel sick. I don't know what to do. I am trying not to worry. I just don't know what he's capable of doing. He is aware that he doesn't want to be this way. I see it in his eyes - he's even more scared than me.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
March 21, 2010
Things Have Not Always Been This Calm
Someone that is newer to reading here left a comment that reminded me of how calm things have been (well, relatively speaking) in the last 6 months. No, they were not always that way. I'd say from mid 2006 up until his 3 month jail stay in August 2009 followed by 3 months in rehab, things were usually anything but calm.
Some memories:
- the first time I picked up the phone and heard someone say "This is Officer ______ from the Orange County Sheriff's Department, we have your son detained...." He was 15 at the time, got a ticket for public intoxication when a group of teens were caught smoking weed and drinking at the local park. Get this (this is funny in a sad way) I believed him when he said it was the first time he'd ever done those things. I. Believed. Him. Dang, was I naive. That episode sent us to a diversion program which required both of us to attend a classes for several months. The classes had no affect on him whatsoever but it opened my eyes to what was going on in today's teen drug world.
- there were several other calls from the Sheriff but the worst was the time I called them to come to my home and arrest my son. I will never forget the anger and hate in his eyes as he mouthed the words "f___ y___ b____" from the backseat of the patrol car as they drove him away.
- there were quite a few times he would go into rages for up to an hour or more at a time. Those were the hardest to deal with. I felt helpless, scared but mostly just in shock at the "monster" living in my son's body. My sweet, loving boy was gone (thankfully he's back!) and this anger filled crazed maniac had taken over.
- of course there were the "I'm in jail" phone calls followed by many calls from jail telling me tales of his gang member cellmates who were in for charges like murder and armed robbery.
- one of the worst calls I got was after his friend had OD's and he'd kept him alive with CPR as he called 911. He was too shaken up to drive home after that incident. The officers told him he saved Jon's life, but Kev knew the truth: he almost killed Jon.
There are lots more stories like these, and of finding drugs in his room, watching him in withdrawls, seeing his track marks for the first time, hearing him cry in pain while dope sick, and on and on it goes.
Today I am grateful that he's in the next room, doing homework, in for the night and back to being sweet, considerate and thankful. I see him struggling, I hear the deep sighs and watch the other signs of anxiety in his expressions and actions.
Right under the surface of my joy at having my son back is a deep dark fear that he will relapse. I try not to go there, but even if I don't think about it, I feel it in my chest weighing on my heart.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
Some memories:
- the first time I picked up the phone and heard someone say "This is Officer ______ from the Orange County Sheriff's Department, we have your son detained...." He was 15 at the time, got a ticket for public intoxication when a group of teens were caught smoking weed and drinking at the local park. Get this (this is funny in a sad way) I believed him when he said it was the first time he'd ever done those things. I. Believed. Him. Dang, was I naive. That episode sent us to a diversion program which required both of us to attend a classes for several months. The classes had no affect on him whatsoever but it opened my eyes to what was going on in today's teen drug world.
- there were several other calls from the Sheriff but the worst was the time I called them to come to my home and arrest my son. I will never forget the anger and hate in his eyes as he mouthed the words "f___ y___ b____" from the backseat of the patrol car as they drove him away.
- there were quite a few times he would go into rages for up to an hour or more at a time. Those were the hardest to deal with. I felt helpless, scared but mostly just in shock at the "monster" living in my son's body. My sweet, loving boy was gone (thankfully he's back!) and this anger filled crazed maniac had taken over.
- of course there were the "I'm in jail" phone calls followed by many calls from jail telling me tales of his gang member cellmates who were in for charges like murder and armed robbery.
- one of the worst calls I got was after his friend had OD's and he'd kept him alive with CPR as he called 911. He was too shaken up to drive home after that incident. The officers told him he saved Jon's life, but Kev knew the truth: he almost killed Jon.
There are lots more stories like these, and of finding drugs in his room, watching him in withdrawls, seeing his track marks for the first time, hearing him cry in pain while dope sick, and on and on it goes.
Today I am grateful that he's in the next room, doing homework, in for the night and back to being sweet, considerate and thankful. I see him struggling, I hear the deep sighs and watch the other signs of anxiety in his expressions and actions.
Right under the surface of my joy at having my son back is a deep dark fear that he will relapse. I try not to go there, but even if I don't think about it, I feel it in my chest weighing on my heart.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
December 27, 2009
I'm So Worried
Well, just got a call from one of K's friends. He tried to convince her to go pick him up because he wants to leave...he's in another anxiety attack. She talked him out of it (I hope to God) and promised not to tell me - then she called me. I am glad she called but I feel SICK with worry. I am suppose to pick him up at 8:30 am tomorrow for a probation visit.
Why would he be doing so good, so content and then go the extreme opposite so quickly?
I really don't know how some of you parents that have been dealing with this for years have survived. I feel like throwing up.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
Why would he be doing so good, so content and then go the extreme opposite so quickly?
I really don't know how some of you parents that have been dealing with this for years have survived. I feel like throwing up.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
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