Suspicious Mind

Will there ever be a day when I can see my son and NOT be suspicious?

I feel comfortable trusting him when he's in Rehab and going to Probation twice a week.  That equals at least four drug tests a week.  But I dot that uncomfortable feeling today.

As I mentioned in my last post, he went bowling today.  I thought after bowling he would be driven back up to United...but he and the other guy that came with him both live here in MV and so they got permission to visit their families while they were all the way up here for bowling.

Well, Keven's family was NOT HOME.  I came home from my class at about 2 pm, said hello to the dogs, sat down to eat my salad and then our of nowhere I hear "Hi, Mom" and Keven appears.

I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND MY HEART WAS POUNDING.  It never in a million years occurred that he would come over while no one was home and crawl through a window.  And he was not alone, he had the "new girl" with him.  Her name is "J".

They both sat and talked to me for a few minutes then they went outside to smoke.  I had no suspicious at all.  UNTIL.....it was time for them to leave and they said goodbye.  I was waiting for him to ask me for a ride since its kind of hot out today and because he ALWAYS asks for a ride, always.

When I asked if they wanted a ride he said "No, we've got it handled" and left.  But I saw this look in his eye that made me feel suspicious.  Maybe it was a look of guilt (I can imagine what they were doing here alone for hours....).  He knows I am leery of this girl.  She seems nice and apparently doesn't use drugs but she's a girl!  I know how girls are especially with him.  She's the one that initiated contact with him when he was in jail!

So....he can't be up so something drug-related, right?  That would be so stupid.

Also, because I didn't expect him over here, there was a bottle of Vicodin on my bathroom counter and a wallet with my life savings in it near my bed.  Nothing was touched.  Why can't I follow the advice I give others:  Don't worry till you have something to worry about.




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sick Feeling in Pit of My Stomach

UPDATE:  He called and said everything was fine, etc.  He seemed fine. He reminded me that its Family Group night (last one!) and that he is not going to "blow it" this close to his next step in recovery.  I still feel sick, but a tiny bit better.

My mother's instinct is in overdrive and I feel like throwing up.

Today he and Anthony went to Anthony's parole appointment.

1)  Why does Keven need to drive him?  Anthony is responsible for himself
2)  Why is Keven taking care of someone else's business when he has  his own things to do today
3)  Why do I feel like this?

Would they really use?  Would they really throw it all away?  Would Keven risk going back to jail, losing his families support and possibly living on the street?  Would Anthony/Keven allow the other to fuck up so soon after committing to each other that they were going to support each other's sobriety?

I don't know the answers to these questions but they could easily be yes, yes, yes......

I texted him and said get home and leave him there you have an eye dr. appt.  He text back ok.  We'll see what happens.

Dear Parents that are New to This,

I used to hate reading blog posts like the one I just wrote.  I felt so hopeless like this awful lifestyle never ends.  Eventually I accepted that it may not end as soon as I'd like.  If your child has not relapsed yet, they may be one of the very rare exceptions.  Its part of recovery - relapsing happens.

I hope with all my heart that my gut feelings are wrong and that Keven and Anthony are just enjoying each other's company.

I feel like cussing, crying and curling up in a ball.  I will update later when I know whats going on.

QUESTION:  Do you think its common for someone to relapse when they are getting close to a milestone, in this case moving to sober living?  It seems like a way of putting a hold on life rather than facing the unknown or the fear of moving forward.

PLEASE let me be wrong....please, please, please







Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Paranoia? No, Real Thinking

I'm glad this situation solved itself before I wrote about it.  The short story is something out of the ordinary happened today with Keven and my first reaction was:  he's using!  he's lying to me!  he's being irresponsible!

Immediately the pit in my stomach started to ache and churn, my heart hurt, my anger was rising, I was a mess!

All this was before I had a chance to hear the whole story.  I may have over-reacted a bit, but my thoughts were based in past experience.

Everything is fine, there was a logical explanation (he has a special meeting he has to attend) and I apologized to him for my suspicions.  The real shocker, when I apologized his response was:

"its alright, Mom, I understand"

WOW.  Wherever my defensive, angry son ran off to, I hope he stays missing, this new kid is so much easier to get along with :)



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

It Seems Contradictory

What happens when someone says "Don't think of a yellow submarine"?  You usually think of a yellow submarine (perhaps even this one!)

There are basic "tools" you learn to survive the turmoil and heartbreak having a child addicted to heroin.  We all know them.  One of them is to distance yourself emotionally for your own self preservation.  I get this, and its one of the most valuable of the tools.

But...

It seems like when something is up I am either obsessed with worry or obsessed with telling myself to "let go".  Either way the focus is on him and I am miserable.  Its like trying not to think of a yellow submarine.

I understand why many parents do better when their addict is not living in the home.  Out of site...not out of mind, but at least not constantly aware of every mood, action, etc.

Tonight he had a fight with the gf.  This is normal for teen couples.  But for him and her - it could mean so much more than just an argument.  You know what I'm saying.

So I am spending the evening telling myself not to worry, forcing worry from my mind every five seconds and having knots in my stomach even though I am "not worrying" because I have "let go".

Thanks for listening.

Special thoughts going out tonight to all of you who are having an exceptionally difficult time.





Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Craving Heroin, or Crack, or Coke or all three...

I was very happy this morning (if you want to know why you can check my other blog, too hard to explain here).

Then when I got home Keven was having a hard day.  He went to probation today as (he goes every Mon. and Thurs.) and they were all told that there would be no probation on Monday due to Memorial Day.

Because of this "everyone" was offering him drugs since suddenly they had an entire WEEK before the next drug test and "they" offered him whatever he wanted.  One guy said he had a rig and heroin waiting at home.

Keven was tempted to the point that he was sick, literally.  He told me how much he loved the high.  He described it in detail.

I said "but is a 30 second high worth losing everything over?"

He said "yes, its that good."  He reminded me that people who have 20 years or more sometimes relapse.  He feels like he will never win this battle.

He's also upset that he has not been diagnosed and therefore has not been helped.  He feels like he will never be normal nor be in control of his impulses, horrible thoughts and the feelings of paranoia.

He still feels that something "bad" is going to happen but he's not sure if he will be doing something or if it will be done to him.

It feels like things go forward one step and then backwards two.  I feel helpless.  I don't know what to do.  Some doctor must be able to correctly diagnose him.

:(

P.S.  On a positive note:  he is super close to getting his high school diploma.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Even more anger

I am scared.
Not to the point of calling the police or anything, but I will if I have to.  He finally told me that three weeks ago he woke up feeling the same way he used to feel when he was on drugs.  He is barely able to control himself but is trying.  We have another urgent appt. with his dr. tomorrow but last week's obviously didn't help.  He says he's taking his meds but I know he stopped one (on drs. approval).  Why does he have to suffer this way?  I blamed it all on the drugs but so much of it is the mental illness...which is means its with him for life even if he stays off drugs.

Why does life have to be like this?

I feel sick.  I don't know what to do.  I am trying not to worry.  I just don't know what he's capable of doing.  He is aware that he doesn't want to be this way.  I see it in his eyes - he's even more scared than me.





Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Anger

He's so full of anger again.
He'll hardly say a word to me.
This is how it used to be.
I know he's not using.
He asked to see both his doctors.
The worry never ends does it?
I am so tired.
I have to go to work now.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

They gave his bed away...

UPDATE:


Thank you all for your comments.  Thank you Lou for your knowledge of the court system and how things work.  I feel better.  I got the tears out and am back "in the moment".  He is safe.  PH is working hard to get him back.  It will work out.  I spoke with him, he sounded okay.  I love that kid so much.  

I'm crying my eyes out right now.  PH had to give his bed away to the next person on the waiting list.  I understand they have to follow rules, but he will probably be out tomorrow and now he has no where to go but home or possibly back to jail to wait.  I am upset.  I just want him to go back there, it was helping him so much.  He waited 90 frigging days in jail for a bed to open there and now he's back on a waiting list.

I felt so hopeful and now I'm just scared to death of what could happen if he comes home...he won't want to leave.  He's not rational.  damn it.

Words

Lou made a comment after my last post that was a very helpful reminder to me.  One of those things you "know" about your child but forget in times of concern.  I'm sharing it because I've noticed several our sons seem to have very similar personalities (harder to say about the daughters) so this may be something you deal with too.

She said "I tried analyzing..what does he mean by THAT..? Not everything my son says makes sense. Sometimes he just "talks" to hear himself talk. Sorting out his thoughts, I guess."

This is very true of K as well.  The fact is, K is a "talker" and also has a habit of trying to purposely "get my goat".  He takes great pleasure when he can shock or upset his aunt and/or me.  I am much more calm (usually) and remind myself that this is just K talking and thinking he's funny and clever.  So I am glad Lou reminded me to remind myself of that!

I have tried to break him of this habit, but he still does it.  Just the other day he called from PH and said "mom, I got busted they're kicking me out".  My response was a very calm "you did not".

Of course there is a part of me holding my breath waiting to hear him laugh because there was the time when I was standing in line to board a plane and he called and said "I got arrested again" and I said "you did not" because I KNEW he was in court that day.  Well he did get arrested....ugh.

He has a very charming, charismatic personality and part of that includes a lot of TALK that I need to remind myself is nothing more than him thinking out loud or playing the "watch mom get all upset and then I say "not really!" game - which I hope he outgrows soon.

Song of the day:

Words - Train

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

P.S.  Have you ever noticed that goat's pupils are slanted, not round like most animals?  What's that all about?

Worry Doesn't Work & Al-Anon Mtg. Update

 We all know this, but its so hard not to worry.

Yesterday as I went back through each of my posts to change K's name to K instead of K_____, I saw for myself all the worrying I have done in the past few months.

It didn't change anything to fret and worry, it just took away from that moment.  And really each moment is all we have.

Putting things into practice takes time and effort but its worth it.  I worry a lot less these days.  On the other hand...I have a lot less to worry about when he's locked up or in rehab!  So please refer me back to this post next time I am worried to pieces.


~~~~


Went to an Al-Anon mtg. last night.  I have yet to find one that is "friendly".  I always read about how friendly everyone at Al-Anon is but once again I felt like an outsider and no one approached me or said hello to me.  I am very shy in groups but didn't let it show and smiled and tried to look approachable praying that someone would say hi to me first, once that happens, I am fine.  I just panic if I have to approach a stranger in a group (I can walk up to anyone one on one, something about groups causes me to have major anxiety).


The woman who sat next to me all night turned her back and started talking to someone else the second the meeting was over.  I hung around for a moment watching everyone ignore me but then started to have a panic attack and left.  The meeting itself was very depressing, story after story of kids living on the street, in and out of rehab, etc.  Needless to say, I didn't like it.  I like the tools and the concept but I've tired 4 meetings in different locations and with the exception of one I felt like I was intruding in a club that didn't really want new members.  Of course I leave thinking "it must be me" and it takes weeks to get the courage to go to another one so I may just give up on the whole concept.  I get more out of  reading "Courage to Change" and your blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara