Urgent.... Updated

Thanks for all the comments...Waking up to them was like getting a warm hug from all of you.  I know Keven's pattern and he's always better in the morning....its like a cycle.  But it will escalate throughout the day.  I stayed in his room last night so he could sleep and now he's going to Probation.  When he gets home I will talk to him about what we need to do...since nothing is helping him so far.  I mentioned the hospital last night and he said he might need to go, but then he seemed to calm down, so I dropped it.

He thinks it could be a spiritual thing since the meds don't work and he feels that the hallucinations are evil and trying to get him.

He did not mention wanting a clean needle today - which is what I was hoping.  Of course that doesn't mean he won't use.  There is nothing I can do about it if he does.

Tomorrow is his last appointment with his wonderful psychiatrist (he's retiring, good for him, bad for us).   I have to work so I can't go but I emailed him my concerns.  One problem is that his current doctor, Dr. H believes he has BP and his new doctor that has only seen him once thinks he as OCD.  I think Dr. H would know since he's seen him weekly or bi-weekly since January.

I hate this.  I hate when he seems okay only to find out he's not okay at all, just trying to protect me from how bad it is so that my life is affected.   I love him so much.

P.S.  Currently he's on:
Risperdal
Depakote
Neuronitn
Abilify
Welbutrin
Trazadone (for sleep)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He's seeing things again, really bad things.  He's freaking out.  I am going to stay up with him tonight.  He wants to use tomorrow.

WHY CAN'T ANYONE HELP HIM?  WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Why can't he get a diagnosis?  He thinks he has Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, if he can figure that out why can't the dr?  Why aren't the meds working?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE WORKING BUT HE JUST TOLD ME HE'S BEEN HIDING IT FROM ME HOW BAD THINGS WERE until he broke down tonight.

What am I suppose to do?  Sit by and watch him suffer and want to either use or kill himself to escape the demons (literally - that's what he sees) that are plaguing him?

He starts the day out manic and then cycles into this really freaky hallucinatory state.  I am afraid that if I take him to the hospital and they lock him up he will have an even worse breakdown...but I may not have a choice.

damn it....why do I ever think things are better?  they never are!

Hallucinations are most often associated with the mental illness schizophrenia. However, hallucinations may also occur for those with bipolar disorder when either depression or mania has psychotic features. Hallucinations are one possible characteristic specifically of Bipolar I Disorder; other less severe types of manic depression (Bipolar II and Cyclothymia, for example) by definition exclude the presence of hallucinations.

Psychosis

:Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality, typically including delusions (false ideas about what is taking place or who one is), hallucinations (seeing or hearing things which aren't there), and disorganized thinking.

Psychosis is associated with the manic phase of bipolar I disorder, schizophrenia, andschizoaffective disorder. Other conditions where psychosis may be present includepostpartum psychosis, dementia, depressive episodes, Parkinson's disease and multiple sclerosis. The use of certain illegal drugs, including methamphetamine, can bring on psychotic episodes.

source:  About.com

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is Bipolar Contagious?

The title is just me being facetious.  But, seriously, I feel like I am on a roller coaster myself and need to get off.  I feel like my last post was really bizarre.  What happened was really bizarre.  All the details I left out were really bizarre.

So the conclusion is living with Bipolar is really bizarre.  Yet at this moment I have hope again.  I also have to remember that this is a lifelong illness that is not going to go away so I need to accept that instead of getting so upset when he has an episode, because unfortunately these episodes can last for weeks at at time.  Learning to manage it is all we can do.

The good news is I picked up a book I got at the library the other day called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" by Julie Fast.  I had seen her website and to be honest, once I saw she was selling something I lost interest.  I assumed it was another person trying to make a buck by getting you to buy an e-book or something that was really nothing more than info they cut and paste from somewhere else that you could have found for free.

But she's very legit and has an excellent reputation.

So I open the book and read the chapter describing all the symptoms of Bipolar.  Yes - it takes an entire chapter, which she titles "Multi-polar" because the name Bipolar is very misleading.  Most people think its means "highs and lows" or "manic depressive" but its so much more than that.

I had learned the basics of Bipolar in the NAMI course but this book goes into great detail and I am wondering why I didn't recognize sooner that Keven has all the symptoms (which is good news considering it seems like there is something mysteriously horrible wrong with him - but apparently a lot of what he's going through is typical).

Here is an outline of what I learned, I have seen every single thing described here in Keven (they think he has BP1)

• 
  
  Bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes (symptoms of both a mania and a depression occurring nearly every day for at least 1 week) and one or more major depressive episodes. Bipolar I disorder is the most severe form of the illness marked by extreme manic 
  episodes.
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Bipolar Psychosis article by Julie Fast

  
  
• 
  
  Depression
• Mania
• Psychotic symptoms (delusions and hallucinations)
• Paranoid symptoms
• Intense anger and irritability
• Anxiety
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Inability to concentrate
• Suicidal thoughts
• Self harm

What really got me was that she used two illustrations that happened to her and Keven has had the EXACT same things happen to him:  1) looking down at his wrists and seeing them bleeding (a hallucination) and 2) feeling so angry that you have to hit something, yell or start a fight to get relief.

I don't know why this makes me feel better but I do.  Knowing that she has this disease and is successful and relatively happy gives me hope.  She was also 19 when she first started having symptoms.  Its very common for mental illness to show up in young adults.

I love my son so much.  I hate to see him suffer.  I hate to suffer along with him.  For years he's been telling me he won't live to his 21st birthday.  What if that's true?  I don't want to regret not having done everything I possibly can to help him while I have the chance.  I need to convince him that he his symptoms are "normal" because right now he thinks he's going off the deep end and is afraid of what he might do.  I need to calm him down so that he can gain more control (hopefully).

I don't know what I'm talking about but it sounds good...

I am going to bed now.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Different Focus

When I started this blog it was called "The Needle and the Damage Done".  At that time my son was active in his addiction to heroin and I was living the nightmare that is familiar to many parents who read here.  Since August 20, 2009 the focus has slowly changed, and although my son still thinks about and talks about heroin every day, its no longer the number one issue we are dealing with.

I changed the name to "Recovery Happens" when my son entered into a rehab after three months in jail.  I felt hopeful.  I wanted my blog to reflect that.

In January 2010 while living in a rehab, my son admitted himself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital.  He had five months clean from drug use but was experiencing intense panic attacks and thoughts of suicide to the point that he knew he needed to be "locked up" for a few days.

At that time they took him off all his medication and diagnosed him with Bipolar Disorder.  Part of me was relieved because it sounded like he only had "one thing wrong" now, but the truth is all the other things he experienced are part of Bipolar!  (panic attacks, severe depression, obsessive thinking, paranoia, general anxiety and mood swings).

I joined NAMI and began learning all I could about Bipolar and continue to learn and find resources.  Although there doesn't seem to be a support network of blogs out there, I've found blogs written by people diagnosed with it, but not many by family members (if you run across any let me know!)

This is really hard to say, to admit.  I feel ashamed and naive but I want to be honest:  When I first heard Keven was Bipolar I was relieved.  I thought it was the answer to all his problems.  He would take some meds, feel normal and be able to avoid heroin.  Life could resume as planned and he would have a productive future and supply me with plenty of grandkids.

I wish.

Bipolar, as I'm seeing firsthand, is very serious and very complicated and he may or may not be able to function in the world like most people do.  I am still in denial about that possibility, I mean - he seems fine most of the time!  He looks so normal!  He has friends, drives, has a girlfriend, talks to groups, meets all his legal obligations...Surely he's going to be JUST FINE.

I am hoping for that.  I want to believe it.  It IS possible.  But in the meantime each day is a new adventure in "how he will feel".  I can almost sense an aura around him of constant discontent.  Its like he's always fighting it, always one step away from something negative.  When he's with his friends he seems distracted, that's the only time I hear him laugh.  Around the house he shows little emotion or is grouchy.  Last week was hallucinations and fear, who knows what next week will be like.

So, all this to say, I may be focusing on talking more about Bipolar here.  I still have my "other boy" who battles addiction to heroin, but for now, he's nice and safe in prison.  I feel kind of lonely in this Bipolar stuff.  I don't even know how I would encourage a parent of a young adult that's been diagnosed.  But I do know all about drug addiction so there is no way I am going to stop reading, caring about and praying for all the people that are still in the thick of that evil battle.  I am well aware that Keven is always one step away from picking up a needle again.

Thanks to all of you who read here and care about my boy and me.  I appreciate you beyond what words can convey.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class 10

Tonight was my last official class, next week we have a pizza party and can bring our family members, Keven said he'd go so I hope he follows through I really want him to be there.

I have learned so much from this class, and the support and hope I've got has been wonderful.  Luckily our group can stay together and meet once a month in someone's home, I really want to stay in touch with everyone.

So much of the information I've gained has been helpful and hopeful.  I think I've mentioned that two of the young women that help lead the class are both "diagnosed" and you would never know in a million years, they are both intelligent, sweet, attractive, confident, ambitious, I could go on and on, they are my favorite part of the class and I will miss them tremendously.

One thing I learned from one of them tonight (I swear she is like an encyclopedia of knowledge - with first hand experience of bi-polar!)

I told her that Kev's doctor said he was having delusions, not hallucinations.  Now, I heard this second hand via Keven.  He does not allow me to talk to his doctor (which irks me that I support him yet legally the dr. doesn't have to talk to me).

My question was:  What is the difference between hallucinations and delusions and are they part of bi-polar or do they always indicate schizophrenia?


She explained it really well.  Delusions are thoughts, hallucinations are the senses reacting to the thoughts.  Hallucinations can be visual, audible or even a sense of smell or hot or cold or whatever.  For example if you thought someone was hiding in your house to "get you" you could see them even if they weren't there.  Its not uncommon for someone in the manic stage of Bi-Polar to have them.


We just happened to have a guest speaker tonight who has worked in the mental health field for 24 years.  She shared her story.  She is schizophrenic.  HER STORY WAS INSANE (oops, no pun intended).  She is writing a book and I would not be surprised if its a movie someday similar to "A Beautiful Mind".  She lived with imaginary friends, super powers, paranoid ideas, etc. for YEARS all alone and undiagnosed.   Yet there she was:  a wife, mother and long term worker in the field, devoting her life to helping others.  Dang.  I hope she writes the book soon so everyone can read it!

Bottom line:  Mental Illness is SO COMMON and can be treated.  A large percentage of addicts either use drugs to medicate a mental illness OR their drug use induces a mental illness.  It depresses me to put a label on my son and it kills me to see him suffer, but at least we are getting some help.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class Three and Learning More About My Son

Tonight for the last half of our three hour meeting we went around the room and shared about our loved one and their diagnosis.  It was heart wrenching.  Several tears were shed.  I think in many ways its hardest for a spouse who's husband or wife becomes mentally ill in the middle of what was once a great marriage.  One woman shared that her 18 year old son has already determined that he will never have children in fear that he will pass his dad's bi-polar along to his own children, and he also lives in fear of it himself.

People throw around the term "bi-polar" likes its not that big of a deal, but for someone who has it or is living with someone who has it, its horrible.  I don't even want to list the things Kev has been diagnosed with.  Its funny, I have no problem sharing about his drug use, but still have a hard time even using the term "mental illness". 

When it was my turn to share I started with his mention of suicide at age 6.  My first warning sign.  I  also shared the worst night of my life (well one of them) which involved Keven in a wild and violent frame of mind, high on who-knows-what - I thought one of us was going to die that night.  I thought it would be him.  By some miracle, I talked him down and a few days later he was in rehab (the first of three times, the third time was Phoenix House and I am so THANKFUL for that place, I highly recommend it to anyone with addiction or dual diagnosis.)

Forgive the rambling way this post is written, I know its not composed very well but I just need to get it all out so I can sleep.

The very final person to share tonight was the man who leads our class.  I think quite a few of us cried during what he shared.  I'll just say this:  there is so much hope for people with mental illness that get help and keep taking their meds.  Some people have lived through nightmares are are living fulfilling lives today.

Lastly I will share something Keven said to me tonight.  He's been spending a lot of time with "Kelly", Anthony's girlfriend.  They have been close friends for years.  They went to an NA mtg. last night which brought up a lot of bad memories for him.  He told me about how he and Kelly would stay up all night shooting cocaine and how he'd come home to go to bed and lie in his bed and cry because his arms hurt so much and he felt so damn helpless like he would never be able to get off the coke and/or the heroin.  I can't tell you how grateful I am today to hear him talk about this stuff rather than live it...and I also ask myself "why didn't you do something sooner?  how could you be so blind?  what were you thinking?"

I'm still scared every day that he may break down and use.  I am not fooling myself that he's "better" but he has made tremendous strides and I am so proud of him.  I love him so much.  I am such an emotional wreck after hearing all those stories tonight....

I've been reading your blogs - the mix of good and bad news.  I'm so glad I have all of you to share with.  I know we've come to care a lot about each other and our children...and I am thankful for the people who read here just to be supportive, and those that are fighting addiction this very moment, or who have overcome it.  We're all in this world together and we need each other.  

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

If I can diagnose him, why can't anyone else?  What's it going to take?  How many times does he have to go to jail or the psych ward?  I am getting him yet another new doctor that will take his illness seriously and give him a chance to survive life outside in the normal world.

The attack he had last night was so bad that they thought he was having an epileptic seizure.  No - that's what my son goes through, that's his panic attack.  He lives in fear of them and discovered that the only cure is being high on some form of opiate or benzos.

My personal conclusion is (and no, I am not putting all the blame on doctors but it does diappoint me that I have been pursuing mental health for him for over half his life and yet no one has been able to help us .... yet)

he became addicted to the drugs he uses because he had to self-medicate   None of the psychiatrists he's seen since age 9 has properly diagnosed this issue so he when he discovered something that worked,  Oxy, Xanax, Heroin....he kept using till he got addicted and now he's a felon .  My hope is that he lives to see his 19th birthday which is MONDAY.

This is all from a long article, the whole thing is HERE.   I'm frustrated, angry and feel helpless.

Studies find that people with constant levels of high anxiety stay on guard and “wired” for possible threats in their environment or in a situation, even when told or they know that the situation is non-threatening. A person with anxiety is always on edge, tense, and has a hard time calming their inner self. So while they may appear calm on the outside, on the inside they remain a bundle of nerves, easily set off, scared or startled.

Panic Disorder:


According to the American Psychological Association, each panic attack peaks within about 10 minutes. Sometimes attacks repeat in clusters for up to an hour after the initial attack, with associated fear over the possibility of another attack. Subsequent attacks may occur days and even weeks later.
This element of fearfulness is called anticipatory anxiety. People fear having another attack while performing the same activity or being in the same situation as when a previous attack occurred. Anticipatory anxiety can be so extreme that people turn away from the outside world for fear that another attack will be set off.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), panic disorder can also happen with other disorders. Depression and substance abuse commonly occur simultaneously with panic disorder.

About 30 percent of people with panic disorder abuse alcohol and 17 percent abuse drugs, such as cocaine and marijuana. This drug abuse can be attributed to unsuccessful attempts by a person with panic disorder to alleviate the anguish and distress caused by his condition.

Symptoms of Panic Disorder

If not recognized and treated, panic disorder can be devastating because it can interfere with relationships, schoolwork, employment and normal development. It is not uncommon for a person with panic disorder to experience an anxious feeling even between attacks. People with panic disorder will begin to avoid situations where they fear an attack may occur or situations where help might not be available. This happens with both adults and children with panic disorder.

1. Are you troubled by repeated and unexpected “attacks” of intense fear or discomfort for no apparent reason? YES
2. During such attacks, do you experience at least four of the following symptoms? YES to  ALL
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • pounding heart
   • sweating
   • trembling or shaking
   • shortness of breath
   • choking
   • chest pain
   • nausea or abdominal discomfort
   • “jelly” legs
   • dizziness
   • a feeling of unreality or being detached from yourself
   • fear of losing control
   • going crazy
   • fear of dying
   • numbness or tingling sensations or chills or hot flashes
   
   
   
3. Do you have a fear of places or situations where escape or getting help might be difficult, such as a crowded room or traffic jam?YES
4. Do you have a fear of being unable to travel without a companion?  No
   
5. For at least one month following an attack, have you felt persistent:YES (always)
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • concern about having another attack?
   • worry about going crazy?
   • need to change your behavior to accommodate the attack?
   
   
   

In summary, panic disorder results from having panic attacks. Panic attacks are episodes that come “out of the blue.” They peak within a few minutes and cause feelings of terror and alarming physical symptoms.

People often are convinced during the attack that they are dying and describe a panic attack as the most distressing experience that they have ever had. As a natural response, people dread the next attack and often avoid places or situations where they have had panic attacks.**

**Or start using drugs to avoid them.  If a doctor would give him something to help maybe he could stay away from the illegal, addictive shit and have a chance at life.  :(

New Development in My Son's Case

Sat in court all day expecting one of two outcomes: Drug Court program OR 6 months jail time. While interviewing him for the Drug Court program the health dept. determined that its highly possible that K is suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness which is why he uses drugs (to self medicate), (aka dual diagnosis).

This doesn't surprise me at all. I've been trying to convince psychiatrists since he was 8 that there was something wrong with my son, that he was not like other kids. They always diagnosed depression and gave him meds for that and I told myself they knew more than I did and always hoped for the best. But who knows a child better than his own mother?

When he took an overdose of pills (intentionally) and was placed in a psychiatric unit for 72 hours I thought that finally someone would diagnose him properly. Since he was an "adult" (he'd been 18 for only 2 friggin weeks at the time!) I never got to talk to the doctor's. But the report didn't say anything new, just that he needed to get into counseling. So, I got him into counseling and got no where with that. The counselor had K convinced that I was responsible for all his anger, hate etc.

So I don't know....Maybe he's bi-polar. His main symptoms have always been s anxiety, fear and paranoia with bouts of depression and childhood migraines which are now gone.

So....I guess in some ways this is good news? That he will get the help he needs. I am going to go visit him tomorrow.

Here is what the program they want to put him into is all about (and this sounds like it will help him more than jail time!)

Recovery (MIOCR) Court

Funded by a grant obtained by the Orange County Sheriff’s Department through the Mentally Ill Offenders Crime Reduction Act (MIOCR), the Recovery Court is a voluntary program for misdemeanor offenders suffering from chronic and persistent mental illness. The participants must have a diagnosis of schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, or major depressive disorder. The program provides participants with psychiatric services which may be initiated in the jail. Once the offender is released from custody they are provided with on-going psychiatric services and mental health counseling, drug and alcohol abuse counseling, residential treatment, and assistance in accessing medical services, employment counseling, job training and placement, government benefits, and housing. The program involves frequent court appearances, regular drug and alcohol testing, meetings with the Recovery Court support team, and direct access to specialized services.